I didn’t get into this in my previous post but yes that is exactly the character of the realizations I was having.
Basically in an identity-centric bid to be an actualist (and thus gain some imaginary brownie points), I was taking on the dissociative belief that all was already perfect and that power didn’t exist. As a result I found myself frequently unsympathetic/uncharitable with anyone in suffering or in the grips of various human machinations.
One of the effects of this has been that the most important element of inspiration to become free, eg the passionately felt desire to end the child abuses, murders, suicides, tortures etc etc was essentially rendered toothless in a numbed-out psyche. I see this as monstrous actually now.
Beyond the specifics of who or what (eg, illuminati or no), this is a fact. There are powerful individuals & groups actively engineering suffering at grand scale(s) for their own benefit. For the first time in a long time, I find myself deeply disturbed & stirred by this. It’s obvious as well that the only thing to do about it is to become free, and it’s obvious the connection to enjoying & appreciating to facilitate that. All that is left is to do that.
For a long time I have been trying to figure out why I couldn’t seem to get my motivation going properly toward becoming free, and it seems I finally have the answer. I can hardly believe that it has finally happened, and I could not have predicted the sequence of events or psychological/attitudinal shifts that were involved to get here.
It also makes evident a lack of solidity when it comes to my identity or any identity. I could only uphold that identity via those specific beliefs & feeling-associations. Only a few targeted beliefs was enough to topple an entire wing of ‘me,’ with seemingly more to follow.
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Yes I don’t think it fits well either, but I didn’t know how else to describe it… I was and am astounded by the physicality of everything that exists (and that is all that exists).