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I have just made a substantial existential breakthrough in my investigations around love. If any of you have been reading my journal for awhile, you’re aware that I’ve been banging my head against a wall for a long time with limited success. It turns out this is largely because it was my head that I was banging…
I have had a recent victim of my loving vibes since the fall when I met a new woman. I will spare the details but the usual patterns appeared of obsession and anxiety. Having been through this a number of times since starting actualism I was able to keep my hands in my pockets and closely observe myself, never descending into madness for long. Every experience was a gold mine of evidence.
She lives in another state and after a whirlwind visit she is flying out of town tomorrow. Seeing my own feelings repeating once again with little benefit to show, coupled with reading everyone’s recent excellent posts here, gave me particular motivation to crack the case. Especially forward in my mind was the very slow progress on this front that I have seen. Something new was needed.
I asked myself - How can I investigate this?
Crucially, I caught myself before launching into intellectual conjecture, as is my habit.
I just sat there contemplating the situation until a fact emerged: I could see that I was sitting here, concerned about what she thinks of me. This is the nature of all the anxiety, from which all the rest of the narratives I conceive originate.
The operative adjective here is concerned.
From Oxford:
worried, troubled, or anxious.
“the villagers are concerned about burglaries”
Similar:
worried
anxious
disturbed
perturbed
troubled
bothered
Once I had realized that concerned is a word describing a vibe (specifically, my habitual vibe when considering romantic prospect), I was able to isolate and place my attention directly on that vibe.
In the light of my unwavering attention, the concern let itself dissolve within seconds. The critical fact is that the concern depends upon (is) my fear, and I know clearly and experientially that fear will get me nowhere - no closer to my goals, and far from the way I wish my life to be. Furthermore, with the knowledge of the contagious nature of emotions, I am aware that I am exuding additional fear which this girl I’m interested in can certainly feel and become infected by. This is a completely unacceptable outcome.
Upon the dissolution of my fear, I discovered I was on ‘the other side.’
Not in a PCE, but in a state of peace in which my previous narratives hold no water. I am not a victim. I am not missing out on anything. Here is another person with her own life, her own goals, her own insecurities, who is figuring out how to live. Perhaps that life will involve me further, perhaps not - there is no way to know, as the present is all that is happening. Everywhere I look is shimmering & glorious - the cars passing my office window show the ceaseless action of humanity - tall trees stand stately still, and a glorious blue sky hangs in the cold.
This is the first time that I have experienced this outcome after this investigation, and it is also obvious that it is the first time I have used this approach for this investigation. I have used a similar approach for other less central investigations with good success, but it has taken some time to get to this - my personal sacred cow.
It’s amazing to see the 900+ posts and untold words and hours that I have put into this investigation. Perhaps it was all necessary, for me.
Maybe the next person can save a few years, though 