12 | 23 | 24
I have recently been experientially finding how my enmeshment within the rest of humanity makes it impossible to immolate.
I was socialized to always give sympathy to others that are suffering, as a way of ‘caring.’ However, the limitations of that approach are becoming more and more apparent in my life.
I can see that as long as any others have objections to being happy - which is a universal condition - then they have the leverage over me to illicit sympathy. As long as I am sympathetic, I am not experiencing happiness or (ultimately) harmlessness, though I have believed that what I was doing was the most harmless approach.
It’s not ultimately a harmless approach because it verifies the suffering for myself and for them - they got one more ‘vote’ in favor of the validity/reality of their suffering.
I have been working a job as a social worker which has been making this dynamic more apparent than ever.
Sympathy as a response is practically mandatory in this field, and as such I see it more both in myself and in everyone around me. I can see and feel their grief as they consider the positions of the clients, the heaviness in the room during meetings. This is contrasted with the peace I have experienced during PCEs as well as my general baseline of late. I’m very pleased to have had that contrast to make this situation apparent.
It’s clear to me that for me to be publicly happy in such a situation would be taken as an offense, both by whoever is suffering, and by all those around me who are being sympathetic.
As a result, I have found myself quite uncomfortable trying to figure out how to navigate. I have been afraid of being ‘outed,’ creating an entirely new neurosis in the equation! My fear has essentially been that if someone perceived me as happy while someone else (or themselves) was suffering, that it would illicit an aggressive response.
But now I see it’s pretty straightforward - the sympathy is not, contrary to popular opinion, harmless.
Crucially, my biggest fear in the situation related to dealing with an aggressive person.
I have some history in my early 20s of aggressive people in my life that I can now see left me with a very avoidant and timid existence. Luckily I can now see the line of causation clearly, which means I can easily interrupt it: when I see myself being avoidant or timid, I can see the connection to fear of aggression. When I see the fear and do not give it any sustenance, it quickly fades - along with the auxiliary emotions and behaviors.
Upon piecing these things together, I experienced a substantial intuitive breath of fresh air - it felt like opening a room I hadn’t opened in a long, long time and letting it air out. Some memories that I hadn’t remembered in awhile popped into my head, a pattern I have repeatedly experienced when in a rarefied good space.
Already at work I have had some encouraging interactions, where I would start talking to someone that I was told was having a terrible time, but after a short time they seem to be doing just fine. Perhaps a few minutes ago they were indeed struggling, but it must have passed quickly - and I’m certain the lack of sympathy helped.
I can see how this dynamic is holding everyone in thrall, it’s part of what makes it taboo to be happy and harmless. However, that is nothing but superstition - it’s amazing to see how all the ‘state of the art’ psychology falls apart on that one point alone. In the end, it was all just a belief. There is something far better.