@geoffrey described how his family members are always projecting emotions onto him, going so far as thinking that he’s mad at them at times, the same thing would be happening with love. Just by being nice to be around, kind, caring, they’ll think there’s love happening even if it’s not. I don’t think it’s all that much of an issue.
The “I love you too” thing is an interesting one which I’ve also faced before, it comes down to 2 things: are you telling your partner about actualism (and what it entails) or not, and that there is morality around being secretive / deceptive / duplicitous. Lying is one of the things that bothers humans the most, but that isn’t reason enough for it to never be the right answer. Richard uses the example of the Nazis coming to the door asking if you’re hiding Jews under your floorboards, but there are other situations where it may be genuinely the best thing to do.
If you’ve determined - sincerely - that it’s better to not tell your partner about actualism, then you’re going to be faced pretty immediately with that “I love you too” situation, and it would be pretty damn weird to not say “I love you too.” So the simplest thing would be to just say it, allow her to experience the love (even if it’s not technically there), and carry on the business of actual caring (or caring to the best degree you’re capable of).
I will say though that Richard says that there are hardly any situations he has to lie in and hadn’t told a lie in years and obviously he lives with another actually free person and has made a habit of being with people at least interested in freedom over the last ~35 years. So that’s also worth consideration.
I personally am taking the route of telling prospective partners about actualism, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right approach for every situation. It’s a fact that 99% of people won’t become actualists, something like 97% won’t grasp it very well, and maybe 90% will think it’s a bad thing once they hear about the ‘no love’/'no emotions aspect.
Another thing is that generally those who grasp for love & the performative trappings of love the most are the most insecure people. The purpose of love is palliative / reassuring, and a happy / assured person doesn’t have to jump into it as often.
Mostly I think it’s a non-issue because by being a caring, kind, attentive person, you’re checking all the boxes that love purports (and fails) to.
I’m remembering something else from early in my previous relationship, which is a bit of a version of actualist morality, and that was thinking “ok, no love allowed… I know! I’ll just be cold & distant!”
That is NOT it.
I think it’s easy for the identity to guess at that and it goes back to confusing the trappings of love with love itself.
It’s not ‘against actualism’ to take a partner on a nice date, buy them flowers, or tell them that you like them a lot. Yes those things are normally associated with love, but love itself is an emotion. It’s missing the point to go on a fatwa against showing love to a partner and then be ultra cold & distant with them. All that’s happened is now you’re feeling cold & distant, which is certainly not the same as feeling good.
A free person is someone that can do anything under the sun, but it’s coming from the mind freed of sorrow, malice, love, & compassion. Sometimes that means booking a vacation to cancun with someone you like hanging out with.
