Journal de Henry

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

I’ve decided to buy a boat

It’s been a very interesting exploration

I heard someone calling into a radio show with a fixer-upper boat for sale… a 24 foot (7.3m) fiberglass boat for $1000

An insanely low price almost regardless of condition

On a whim I decided to call the guy back… turns out I was the only person that called. Went and looked at it with the owner, it was predictably a mess

But maybe a salvageable mess?

That evening I looked more into these boats, apparently they have an especial reputation for seaworthiness in the bumpy waters Alaska is known for. This piqued my interest in a big way

All along, I knew my Dad wouldn’t like the idea one bit. I’ve been aware that I have some internal (& external…) conflict with him for a long time, and I live right next door to him / on his property.

As I learned more about these boats, I made the unpleasant discovery that sometimes if the wrong parts are rotten, the boat has to be completely stripped down to the hull & effectively rebuilt. I started to think that maybe this wasn’t such a good bet. When I took a closer look at this boat I could see that indeed, some parts were pretty rotten. It might need such a rebuild.

But something strange happened as I researched this rebuilding process: I began to be fascinated by the process itself. I’ve always enjoyed doing this kind of tinkering & projects, and this would be the mother of projects, with the ultimate payoff in the form of a really solid boat.

I came across all kinds of comments online… “run, don’t walk away” “$$__$$”

But I started to not care… as I outlined all the different possibilities, I started to see that I really couldn’t go wrong

If it’s such a trash heap in the end, I could always resell it for what I got it for (a basement sum) or a loss… that’s ok

Even if I put a bunch of money into it and then had to scrap it… I kind of don’t care. I’ve been broke before, at this point it doesn’t carry much of a sting for me.

Sure it may cost some $10,000, but that’s worth it to me. Sure I’ll screw some things up as I work on it. Sure it will be a lot of work. I’m just to the point of greeting those things as challenges to be met. What is life if not doing things? If not doing the things I want to do? My worries about what my Dad would think were fading rapidly. My friends telling me it was a terrible idea was immediately apparent as their projected fears.

And I could see that my own fears of what would or could happen were only that… I was imaginatively projecting forward all kinds of uncomfortable situations… they became transparent. They’re nothing but imagination. Just like my fantasies of having the best time on the boat in the sun are imaginative projections. I have no way of knowing what will happen. I’m just greeting each day, each new situation, as it comes.

And it is delightful. The freedom here is palpable.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

“To put it into a physical analogy, it was as if I were to gather up my meagre belongings, eradicate all marks of my stay on the island, and paddle away over the horizon, all the while not knowing whence I go … and vanish without a trace, never to be seen again. As no one on the mainland knew where I was, no one would know where I had gone. In fact, I would become as extinct as the dodo and with no skeletal remains.”

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

Folks, this enjoying & appreciating stuff really works. Just keep at it.

Source: having a great fucking time rn

[solvann]

Awesome! Do you plan to document the restoration process somewhere? Would love to see that.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

I wasn’t planning to!

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

The Psychic Battlefield

Yes this is fair, though I think it gets away from the topic. It’s accurate that I have a lot of delight involved with this project and many others. And all this power nonsense has been happening in me. I’ve experienced this before in a different context. No one cared about the thing that I thought was proving something It’s not watertight because sometimes people do care, they will give that reward, think you’re ‘great.’ And it is in my head - and my heart - that’s exactly the issue! So …

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

EE

Actuality imminent!

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

My belief has been that my single status - and individual cases of rejection - are a reflection of my quality as a person.

I’ve just subverted this narrative by seeing that so long as I’m not free, I know that I’m falling short of what’s possible in this life

Further, anyone that I’m being rejected ‘in favor of’ is also falling short of that. Perhaps they can temporarily sustain some belief that they are good, or that the person they are falling in love with is good. But it is not genuine.

This is where we are all frauds - trying to sell belief that we are some ‘good,’ or believing that someone we love is ‘good,’ when we are not and they are not. And we have not attained our potential.

[Andrew]

@henryyyyyyyyyy

My belief has been that my single status - and individual cases of rejection - are a reflection of my quality as a person.

Good to see, however, I assume there is more to this, because;

@henryyyyyyyyyy

I’ve just subverted this narrative by seeing that so long as I’m not free, I know that I’m falling short of what’s possible in this life

It’s not a subversion to transfer the subject and object in a sentence to arrive at the same belief.

“I am not good enough”

You are more than “good enough” to enjoy this moment, and continue to progress and enjoy discovery and more freedom.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

Further, anyone that I’m being rejected ‘in favor of’ is also falling short of that

You can’t actually know this, and it sounds like “cope” to me.

Maybe they have had PCEs and become free already. Maybe they will have a blissful life of love and conditional happiness.

Maybe, it doesn’t matter at all because they are not you, and you can only change yourself.

@henryyyyyyyyyy

This is where we are all frauds - trying to sell belief that we are some ‘good,’ or believing that someone we love is ‘good,’ when we are not and they are not. And we have not attained our potential.

Speak for yourself! I am the genuine article here. JK. Sorta😎

All critique aside, I guess there is more to what you are seeing about the situation than a few sentences.

[Andrew]

Further, and to attempt more usefulness;

There is a natural grieving process with relationships ending not unlike someone dying.

It’s more than tempting to try and short cut it. However, the quickest way to make sure it drags on for years is to try and short cut it.

Obviously, you have read me going through this same territory, and I have thought the same thoughts.

Each time I saw something, I went “great! I am free of that now!” But, I wasn’t.

It really does seem that one is going in the opposite direction of intimacy to let go of each layer of coping mechanisms and really discover the next layer of coping mechanisms.

It’s turtles all the way down. To a point. I am not there yet, however the answer isn’t “everyone is a fraud” and wham! I am feeling great!

What is the feeling before one starts thinking that everyone is a fraud? That your ex won’t and can’t possibly be happy?

Is it a cloaked feeling of malice?

One isn’t expected to otherwise paint a rosy picture and hope one’s ex is happy with their new love interest either.

It’s pointless in both directions. One is moving psychologically, and thus psychically “getting up to the same old tricks”.

[Andrew]

One series of thoughts, which is still running in the background is the fact I was also not happy with my ex. I broke up with her many times.

There are whole posts about me struggling with that at the time. Reacting, breaking up, getting back together, having another reaction, breaking up. Coming up with some reason to be back together.

It’s natural to idealise the relationship. To hold a rosy picture. Very normal. From there one can beat oneself up “I should have done this! If only I had been a better actualist!” The drive is centred on the illusion of the rosy picture held firmly in one’s chest. Like a locket with only the smiling pictures, and none of the discontent.

[Andrew]

And so, bargaining starts.

She can’t possibly be happy with anyone else!

All she needs to do is remember how happy we were.

She will discover that it’s all a fraud. He can’t possibly be better than me.

Of course, he most certainly can be better than me. A better fit for her vision in life.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@Andrew

What is the feeling before one starts thinking that everyone is a fraud? That your ex won’t and can’t possibly be happy?

It’s more just that everyone (including me) are missing out on how amazing and perfect everything can be. And as far as I can tell, the approach they’re taking isn’t getting them closer. And there are things I can do that do get me closer.

I’m taking all this as motivation more than anything.

I saw a couple months back that I was never going to be satisfied with anything less than being free. I’ve seen too much. I’ve already been in a few relationships and by the mid-point I was always thinking, “is this all there is?”

So I’m just going for it.

This is all a reminder for me that this love stuff is not the main show.

@Andrew

It’s more than tempting to try and short cut it. However, the quickest way to make sure it drags on for years is to try and short cut it.

There’s no denying I’ve gone this route quite a few times. I’m aiming to be sincere about all this, I don’t know for sure if this particular tack is the right approach. A bit more time may tell. But it did move the needle on feeling better when I realized it.

The nice thing about ‘everyone is a fraud’ is it takes care of fomo. My life isn’t ruined because one person isn’t interested in me. I’m right where I want to be, because I’m going in the direction that gets the goods. I’ve been seeing the evidence of that as I’ve investigated through all this over the last 6 months.

@Andrew

And so, bargaining starts.

She can’t possibly be happy with anyone else!

All she needs to do is remember how happy we were.

She will discover that it’s all a fraud. He can’t possibly be better than me.

Of course, he most certainly can be better than me. A better fit for her vision in life.

Except that I’ve been / am a fraud too! I can see it in myself very clearly. I’m not living up to what I want to be. There’s more to be done. And there’s nothing for that situation but to do it.

It’s just a redirection of energy.

[Andrew]

@henryyyyyyyyyy

It’s more just that everyone (including me) are missing out on how amazing and perfect everything can be. And as far as I can tell, the approach they’re taking isn’t getting them closer. And there are things I can do that do get me closer.

Comparison without all the facts is rumination.

As far as you can tell? What can you really know about “their approach” except your projections?

You factually have almost nothing in your bag of “as far as I can tell”.

Maybe they are having PCEs everyday, blowing their minds in bed, and will post tomorrow that they became free during one particularity good session.

Stick with the facts that you can 100% be sure of.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

She told me she wanted to be in a relationship with an emphasis on love

I don’t know anyone that has frequent PCEs. I hardly come across anyone that is even interested. And she herself was only ever superficially interested

It’s true that I don’t know what they’ve been up to. My insecurities are that everything you’ve just been describing are what’s occurring. It seems unlikely.

But I suppose it doesn’t matter one way or another. The only question is what I’m doing

[Andrew]

@henryyyyyyyyyy

My insecurities are that everything you’ve just been describing are what’s occurring. It seems unlikely.

But I suppose it doesn’t matter one way or another. The only question is what I’m doing

Precisely.

Unlikely or not, it is absolutely irrelevant.

You are factually missing out on 8 billion other experiences of life. It’s also unlikely they are having PCEs everyday and doing anything towards that.

So what?

[Andrew]

As you know better than me, feeling good is on a tangent to compensatory fixes.

Fomo? It’s a fact you are “missing out” , countering that with “it’s unlikely anyone else is having a better time” is coping. Bargaining too.

A tangent at 90 degrees to that spectrum is feeling good.

[Andrew]

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

I’m just glad I’m not taking the usual life direction, that’s all.

Being glad about that means being ok with not being somewhere else. I am where I am