Yes this is fair, though I think it gets away from the topic.
It’s accurate that I have a lot of delight involved with this project and many others. And all this power nonsense has been happening in me.
I’ve experienced this before in a different context. No one cared about the thing that I thought was proving something
It’s not watertight because sometimes people do care, they will give that reward, think you’re ‘great.’
And it is in my head - and my heart - that’s exactly the issue!
So it requires something bigger to satisfy.
It has indeed 
Now engaging operation: Frisky Lamb II
This was useful to hear. It seems I’ve had some version of masculinity that requires that I do all the work myself. You’re right, it can be delightful to get help from others. Even paid help. I’ve always considered that a failure or it would raise alarm bells that something was going wrong.
Which brings us to…
Yes, this is accurate, but…
It is still about power/status, just in a larger sense. The concept is that if I’m able to be successful with this project, it ‘proves’ something about ‘me,’ that I am ‘good.’ And it’s not just about the project itself, because the success or failure of any particular project brings in the involvement of my income, my upraising, my family situation, my friends - my whole life. This isn’t a power play to do with any other particular individual, but has to do with my place among other men or even humanity at large.
I’ve just had an excellence experience by myself at the beach in the dark considering the actual world and all this power stuff
Upon getting home, I realized that the emotions I’ve been having relating to my ex and her new partner / old friend of mine has everything to do with power
Essentially my belief has been that she ‘won’ by breaking up with me and still being with someone
Further to that, my friend ‘won’ by dating the girl who I desire to be with
In this situation, I am the loser - on two fronts.
However, this investigation as well as the excellence experience at the beach put paid to that belief: there is no power in the actual world. It is apparent.
Any power dynamic exists only in my belief. I’m feeding a false narrative, which exists only in my heart (and in the hearts of all humanity) by continuing.
Already there’s a new lightness. I’m interested to see how far it goes.