Journal de Henry

1|3|22

I’ve been more or less inhabiting barren for the last several days, with numerous discoveries arising thanks to being willing to be there.

In the past I had always fled as fast as I could into a new reality, a new hope.

At this stage, for me, ‘barren’ is the absolute best place to be because I can see ‘me’ extremely clearly. Crystal clear. Without ‘getting up to flee,’ me is happening right in front of me.

Strangely, because I want to be here, it’s painful but not painful. It’s very odd. I can see how one could enter enlightenment from here.

The sweetness is coming through frequently, and it’s not coming from me.

I can’t rush the ‘barren’ experience, because it would mean trying to ignore things. The observations and removals have to happen at their own pace. What I can do is, allow the barrenness to happen as completely as I can, much in the same way as allowing the sweetness to happen. It’s the beginning of allowing ‘out-from-control’

I’m beginning to experience ‘nothing can go wrong’ because not being afraid of ‘stark, barren,’ nothing can really hurt me anymore.

All my worst fears are right in front of me, in fact I’m being hit by them constantly now. But as I said above it’s what I’m doing, on purpose. I understand that this is where I need to be.

I have found myself attempting to ‘bring my friends along with me,’ I have tremendous drive right now to share with others ‘my discovery.’

I see this as human ‘fellowshipping,’ like how Frodo has to get his fellowship around him before he goes to Mordor.

‘I’ want to have my buddies around me as protection.

I’m not sure what will have to happen for me to drop that. I think it will drop automatically as part of the barrenness.

I could see talking to a couple of people last night that they couldn’t tell what I was experiencing. I was trying to ‘bring them here.’

That’s probably reckless on my part. It’s for ‘me.’ They can’t come if they’re not ready.

‘I’ partly conceptualize these human beings ‘I’ call ‘my friends’ as these helpers for me to become free. So I have to drag them along with me. But I have to be considerate of where they are, what they are wanting, what their capabilities are. It’s no good for me to rush anything. That is a recipe for later problems.

It’s no problem for me to share this or that tidbit. But any pressure at all is going to be problems.

There’s also an element of bragging/showing off. “Look where I am! Look at what I can do!”

That is actually going back into reality. It’s ‘my’ accomplishment. I’m bringing home my little drawing to mommy to show off that I am ‘good.’

What do I think that gets me? Security… love… all that gets me is more humanity, codependency, insecurity. I’m waiting for their approval. I won’t get it for long, it returns to rejection.

It also means my own rejection has primacy.

I’m doing the same thing with Discourse: ‘I hope these people will approve of me, I hope these people will find me impressive.’

And hoping they will ‘be where I am’ ‘understand me.’

Interesting.

It’s a bit funny bc I simultaneously/alternately want to impress people (“be above them”) and have safety from people (“be below them”), depending on how confident I am in any moment… in other words what my emotional charge is moment to moment.

Proud = showing-off, insecure = desiring protection.

But it all depends on ‘knowing what’s happening,’ ‘the one who wants control’ being supreme.

Opposed to what Peter says, “I don’t know what’s happening to me,” “Out from control,” “allowing it to happen,” “I am the universe experiencing itself being alive.”

What is in the way of perfection?

Still waiting for others to entertain me

I imagine that I ‘feel better’ with them here / performing a certain way. That’s fantasy

In actuality I’m a bit sick, low energy, I don’t want anyone around right now.

What’s happening is already perfect. Pre-eminently perfect.

Objections are very few, gossamer-like

I made a connection last night that I was fantasizing about asking this girl out, but that the fantasy did nothing for me… it was a mental rehearsal for something that would never happen (at least, the way that I was rehearsing), and something I’ve rehearsed many times with many different girls without anything happening (again, the way that I imagined). I could see that the actual moment of interacting with someone is a totally different category than whatever fantasy-‘rehearsal.’

And if anything all the rehearsing is holding her at a distance, it’s preventing any interaction from ever happening. Really the way it would work is, I just find myself somewhere. I find myself talking with her, I find myself saying this or that. It’s all surprising, it’s not planned. Any planned interaction would be wooden… not a recipe for anything sincere, for anything that I want to happen. It’s antithetical to freedom.

Which also explains why it has never worked out for me in the past, the entire ‘being’ that I’ve been in with attraction has been a block to anything good happening.

Everything that has happened with me and my partner has been circumstantial-coincidental, a total surprise. We’ve put effort and growth into everything good and sincere that has happened between us, ‘I’ have done that work but it never went according to my plan. Ever since the beginnging.

Part of what’s been valuable about opening up rejection again, about going back into ‘barren,’ is that I can see that it’s the same old me, I can see where I’ve always gone wrong in the past. The connections are adding up. And now it’s now, I have the opportunity to be different with all the awareness that I have now. I don’t want to squander what has happened, everything that I have done.

With this girl that I’m attracted to, I don’t want more of the same, for me to be going to her from insecurity hoping for her to fill a hole in me.

I know it can be different than that, and it’s something I can do right now, from here on this couch typing this. It starts now (just as it has started from all the other ‘now’s’ going backwards). Because it is always now.

Just right now she is somewhere, doing something - who knows what. Actually existing.

This is fertile ground for me.

Overwhelmingly sweet

‘I’ would rather be in the fantasy/reality

I do it for them, for her, for me, for him.

The actuality is here waiting. I remember seeing it

But it means giving up on the fantasy, forever.

To be here instead.

It’s really magical. More magical than I ever had the capacity to remember

The magic doesn’t fit in ‘my’ memory. It’s not compatible

Faltering between wanting to see people and wanting to hide in a way that indicates self

Both are perfect options right now

Why do I not want to be seen?

I’m afraid of their response… of not being understood… once again, of rejection.

Why does it always come back to rejection?

I believe that rejection is bad

It’s people’s natural defense

They reject because it is human to reject

It is part of the makeup of, ‘human’

Humanity

History is full of rejections big and small

Families and relationships are full of rejection

I want them to see how ‘good’ I am, I don’t want them to see how ‘bad’ I am, how weak I am, destitute, broken, helpless, confused.

All ‘me.’

Here, the actual. Here, ‘me.’

Physically tired, head hurts a bit, cut off from sweetness somehow… I am looking for a way out

My grandiose plans didn’t pan out… as always!

Have to find perfection in ‘tired.’

I’m keeping it ‘over there’ at a safe distance from myself right now

Conditional

(cont.)

What are my wounds?

I want to have a good time with people, I feel lonely

I want to have a good time with myself, I want to be happy

…your endless neediness born out of being alone in the world. The cause of sadness and loneliness [aka sorrow] is not, as is commonly believed, alienation from others. The single reason for being alone and lonely is from not being what-I-am. By not being this flesh and blood body just brimming with sensory organs, but being, instead, an identity within ‘I’ am doomed to perpetual loneliness and aloneness. ‘I’ am fated to ever pursue an elusive ‘Someone’ or ‘Something’ that will fill that aching void.

When I am what-I-am, there is no void. By being what I actually am – this body only – I have no need for others; hence I also have no need to place the burden upon them to fulfil that what was lacking. Not only do I free myself from that perpetual pursuit, but I also free others in my company from the task ‘I’ impose upon them. Being this sensual body is actual fulfilment, each moment again. Nevermore will I be needy, greedy and grasping. Nevermore will I plot and plan and manipulate others. Nevermore will I have to prostitute myself to others to assuage those main attributes of the identity within: being lost, lonely, frightened and cunning. Being what-I-am is to be free-flowing, spontaneous, delightful … and it is fun, for one can never be hurt again’.

That ‘someone’ or ‘something’ take myriad forms, none of which ever fill said aching void.

None of ‘my accomplishments’ ever fill it.

1|4|21

In a half-awake state, it became clear that I haven’t felt wanted in my family, I feel a burden.

I have worn identities, represented here as clothing, as a way of ‘covering myself up,’ ‘altering myself,’ both to look like something else than what-I-am in hopes of being want-able, and as armor.

Around a year before I was born my mother had a still-born girl and to that point in her life that was the hardest thing she had experienced

When I was born it was into that depressive hole… but of course I could not fill it.

I’m sure it was hard on my father as well, both the still-born and my mother being unhappy for that long period. Darkness at home.

My siblings have always called me sensitive… that is where I developed that sensitivity. I tried to run away from home when I was 3 or 4.

Something I’ve noticed in myself is, in fighting games, I always favor the long distance weapons. I don’t like to be in the thick of things, in the muck & the mire.

I like to reach in, lay down my influence, and leave, untouched. I don’t like to be touched.

At the same time I have this exhibitionism - wanting to be seen, but not touched.

And at the same time, I do want to be touched. But on my terms.

And at the same time, I want it to be loose, carefree, spontaneous.

All of these cannot coexist.

It’s really interesting because freedom seems to check so many of these boxes… there’s a meme in the meme time page, ‘do you want oblivion?’ and when ‘I’ am not there, there is no ‘me’ to be threatened. So there is no problem.

The controller.

I keep wanting everything to be on my terms because I’m so insecure.

When I was a baby it didn’t feel so good, so I developed a mis-trust of the world. But it wasn’t the world, it was just that my mother was having a hard time. It’s not even her fault, that’s just how it happened.

I couldn’t see the world, but I could feel emotions. So a fingerprint was created. A way-of-being.

I’m sure these stories I’m creating aren’t accurate completely. So many other things have happened in my life. But, the feeling is accurate. That is useful to me, to see what I am feeling.

I don’t have to ‘wear clothes’ anymore. It’s ok to be naked, it’s ok to be seen, because I look the same as everybody.

I’m removing my clothes because that is where the return to spontaneity is.

Because I don’t feel wanted by others, I don’t want myself either. I wish I was something else because I imagine that if I were, I would be wanted.

Strangely, when I am wanted by others, such is the strength of my feeling-identity that I reduce their importance: if they want me, they must be a fool! I am worthless.

I also have something in common with my partner, which is trying to escape from ‘me’ by shooting for grandiose aims. There is megalomania in that.

And yet it still comes from insecurity.

I saw last week that insecurity is because ‘I’ am helpless. Nothing I try works. My greatest plans fail. Everything fails. There are little pockets of ‘success’ that turn to ash in my mouth before the week is out - every time.

I’m constantly amazed that I’m still an actualist, because I have never been anything for this long before. I always have had to bail because it would stop working.

But it’s not my success exactly… well, it sort of is.

But really the reason it works is because of the universe, not because of me. Things just work this way, I’m just aligning with that. Credit to me. But still.

When I look back into my life history, it’s so circumstantial. I just wound up here. All the little moments of seeing.

I’m not a ‘young man’ with all that entails, I’m a human being. This human being. I do a lot of different things, at different times there are different things to be done. Right now, it’s ‘become free’ but later it will be something else. I’m also taking care of random practical things all the time or looking at various entertainment.

(Cont)

Still thinking about that girl that I saw the other day, running a fantasy of asking her out. And I’m still blocking myself, I think it would be weird / unwelcome to ask her out at her place of work. That’s a belief, that that would be bad. Clearly persisting.

From my own side, I would be unbothered. So I think there’s something different about other people from me.

I do know that many people don’t like that, that it would be unwelcome for them.

So then I’m caught in-between, not wanting to give up the fantasy but also feeling like any step forward is ‘wrong.’

Nowhere safe in that. Either option feels bad.

Here I am, actually existing. I’m sitting in a cafe, coffee with cream and a cookie at hand. I even have a sunlit view of a mountain.

It’s very cold outside, and very pretty.

Part of how identity has gotten me into ‘spots’ in the past has been with running away with a plan before I know the first thing about the situation. I don’t know if she’s interested in me, if she’s in a monogamous relationship already, if her life is full, if she’s not looking for romance, if she would have any interest in all this ‘becoming free’ activity. But my fantasy pays that no mind. It charges ahead with a scripted dream of everything that I want to happen.

“Becoming free in the world as-it-is, with people as they are.”

That means, “miserable and malicious.”

That’s what constitutes humanity. At the core.

Do I continue to wait forever and a day for everyone else to become free first so my fantasy can eventuate? No… that would most likely be long after I’ve died.

Until then, arguments and sorrow are to be expected.

That means: no fantasy. It’s just not there. This girl I’m thinking of has her baggage, her sore spots, her hang ups, her beliefs, her own sources of anger and sorrow.

And I’ve had enough experience now to know that I won’t be able to just reason her out of it. There is no ‘perfect thing to say.’ If there were, it wouldn’t have taken 30 years since Richard becoming free for a handful of free people. Richard is plenty articulate.

Even with my fantasy coming ‘true’ I know I’d be dissatisfied, because I can’t just be in bed 100% of the time. I can’t be like ‘high-mindedly discussing life’ 100% of the time, either. I’d find something to have a problem with.

Not to say that it might be worth doing. I guess I just don’t know. So many judgment calls to be made, and at age 32 I have such limited judgment and experience. There’s something sweet in that. Young & dumb. I can work with that.

Right now my ambience in that is, ‘nervous.’

I can find the excitement in that.

There’s aliveness in that.

It means I care.

It’s been a long time since I’ve cared this way.

Buddhism did a number on ‘care.’ Not to mention the other various things I’ve done to cope. I’ve been ‘cool’ for a long time, that’s no good for care.

Sincerity.

I am alive.

I want to live the best life possible. That means, working with the facts. It requires a certain amount of adjustments. Working out contradictions. Deluded is what we are. That’s the starting point.

What a strange existence this is.

What I have to do right now is, become free of ‘pretty girls.’

And, become free of ‘you can’t ask them out.’

‘You shouldn’t talk to them.’

The implication is that they are made of fine china, a misplaced word speaks disaster

If that’s how they want to be, they can. Just seems like a miserable existence.

I suppose I’ve always vibed with sensitive people, lol.

Sensitive in that sense just means, ‘afraid.’

We are all afraid. But are we so afraid that we cannot speak?

Sometimes. I suppose that is the state of humanity. There are some people who can speak. Who can take some steps.

And that’s who I’d like to hang out with anyway. Which means, there’s no harm that comes with rejection if I say something. If she cannot or doesn’t want to speak, then there is no loss there.

I have been existing in ‘hope,’ in ‘potential’ that doesn’t exist. All that matters is the actual.

This life is what is happening now.

I’m still waiting for others to ‘perform.’

They will never perform. They will never give me what I want, because I am insatiable.

All that is left to do is enjoy and appreciate what is actual. The way it is, now.

(cont)

I had a little cough that I was trying to hold in in the cafe but it was a bit tortuous, eventually I realized it was best for me to leave. People aren’t super comfortable with coughing people these days.

Nothing bad in any of that. Now I’m back at work, where I can let out a cough every now and then with no harm done. That’s good for this body / that body. It’s nice to simply do what’s best. No need to hide.

I have a persistent fear of people being mad at me which is worth chipping at for a bit.

If I’m sincerely being engaged with life and aiming to do what’s best for this body / every body, then it’s pretty silly for anyone to get mad at me.

And even with being an identity and doing silly things with frequency, their anger doesn’t help matters. It’s a force.

When I’m troubled by their anger, it has power over me. I’m verifying it.

I’ve had some luck lately with seeing anger as simply silly. Not helping at all. I say something or wait for them to chill. A lot of times when I do that people end up apologizing. When they’re given a few beats, they realize it’s silly too. Often they have a moral response against themselves. I can’t do anything about that, but either way often the anger doesn’t last long.

Someone that’s frequently angry is pretty unhappy. All that desire for control, and they’re pushing everyone away from them.

I don’t have to play by their rules. I don’t have to hang around. I certainly don’t have to be controlled by their desire for control. They aren’t right just because they are worked up. I don’t have to apologize. I don’t have to do anything. There is nothing that must be done.

It is a natural human emotion which I fully expect to occur at close-range many more times in my life. It would be very surprising if it didn’t. That is the state of humans on this earth.

Part of the deal. The actual world.

Will that be the obstacle that forever keeps me from releasing?

Nothing shatters my love-fantasy quite like anger. She’s not supposed to be angry with me. It doesn’t follow the script. The script with anger is, ‘everything is all messed up.’ Obviously for ‘me,’ that’s reason to be upset, unhappy, discontent, depressed etc. etc.

Well, no longer.

The deal now is, ‘happy & harmless.’

She’s angry? That’s cool. Happy & harmless.

I’m alone? Ok. Happy & harmless.

People don’t want me around? They are disgusted by me? They reject me (& tell their friends!) chill. Happy & harmless is what I do.

There’s still variation in my experiencing the last couple of days, but the overall tone is quite stark. Cold. It’s interesting, everything has a bit more ‘bite’ to it.

Right now it’s 6 degrees F here in Juneau (-15 C for all you commies out there :wink: ) and my tiny house has limited heat capabilities so it’s been cold inside. I was feeling lonely last night and the cold really complimented that feeling. I climbed into bed and was even cold in bed for awhile to really bring it home! Until I came to my senses and found a sleeping bag to put on top of my blankets.

There is something about the cold which brings out ‘lonely.’ I’d guess the heat of another body connects to that at a very deep level.

The perfect time to investigate!!!

It was very telling just in terms of, ‘what is best for this body.’ I’ve been a bit sick this week as well, and so my energy levels are very depleted, I’m not very motivated to do much of anything. Even playing video games often feels like too much effort. So my negative narratives will come in, ‘I’m so lazy’ ‘I never do anything’ ‘lonely,’ but literally the best thing for me to do is lie in bed in my cold house under a million blankets with a cough drop. And then once I’d had enough of lying in bed, I did get up and play video games for a bit and it was fun actually.

But not much of that matches with any narrative I have. It’s all based on girls. And that narrative means that ‘disgust,’ ‘rejection,’ ‘anger,’ are all very heavy for me.

No more. It’s all happy & harmless now. Stark vibes for a few weeks / months? Believe it or not, also happy & harmless.

I think I have been semi at loose ends of what to do with my free time lately. It has always been focused around friends & girls, but that is starting to tatter. I wonder what will happen. I’ve been playing some video games, but I can only do that so much. Watching movies or shows is very hit & miss. Last night I found myself narrating my own action (of doing ‘not much’) which had the effect of amusing me thoroughly and gave me a high awareness. I suppose technically I’m always doing something, I don’t have to be doing ‘SOMETHING.’ Like, I’m breathing right now. That’s something. It’s just identity that wants me to be doing something. Something I can report back as, ‘good.’

Really I’m reporting it back to myself, but it’s the same thing to report it back to the rest of the other ‘selves.’

In my mind I’m running over and over again my own thoughts & actions, checking & re-checking for ‘good.’

I can see it happening in real-time right now

Like, it’s not enough to sit here peacefully. I also need to make sure I’m sitting here peacefully ‘correctly.’

Peace is here & now.

Something consistent about wondering where my friends or partner are and feeling lonely

Reading the simple actualism PCE page and it’s doing work for me, there’s something about magic/sweet/the actual that contains everything all at the same time. I guess everything that is is right now… Even if I’m remembering something, the remembering is happening right now. So everything is literally right now. It’s like I can perceive everything at the same time. Maybe that’s infinitude.

Everything is either experienced as now, or as a memory/fantasy (these two are functionally the same thing).

So I’m making a choice, do I live in memory/fantasy, or do I live actually here, where everything is happening? Where everything is. Where what is, is happening.

And it is magical…

The remembering-fantasizing is happening now, so I’m just making that choice to use my moment of experiencing on remembering-fantasizing. So it’s a pretty simple choice then, would I rather remember-fantasize, or actually be here (as in, ‘me’ is out of the picture/reduced)?

The key here is the emotional tone… the ‘being…’

The being wants to feel something about what’s ‘happening’ / has happened / ‘will happen.’

It’s so delusional…

1|5|22

Claudiu’s post seems to have set me straight. I have indeed been existing in love, perfection does indeed have a significantly different character.

My jealousy is entirely predicated on love, because it is making the assumption that if my partner falls in love with someone else, that that is a desirable state and that I am ‘missing out.’

With no love as an essential ingredient, there is no ‘missing out.’

All the kissing, sex, staring into eachother’s eyes are just window-dressing for the love

While I was driving home I was getting small glimpses of the actual and it was immediately clear that all these things, ‘love,’ ‘relationship,’ whatever ‘approach to life,’ ‘philosophy,’ I have legitimately block the view to the actual.

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1|5|22

Richard on the ‘short-cut path’ to freedom:

the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless. (At worst … well, fill in your own nightmare/ your own screaming heebie-jeebies scenario).

…the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago had no precedent to assure ‘him’ it was possible yet ‘he’ was entirely confident – with the certainty pure consciousness experiences (PCE’s) confer that it be ‘his’ destiny to manumit the body ‘he’ held in bondage.

Thus ‘he’ never had any doubt – ‘he’ was freed of doubt by that very absence of choice – an actual freedom was possible, in ‘his’ lifetime, for this flesh and blood body. (Any doubt comes from choice; for most people choice implies freedom – the freedom to chose – yet as choice means options there is always doubt; an actual freedom comes about by there being no choice whatsoever … hence the word destiny).

I still have doubt… more confidence must be found.

Richard describes it as, ‘absence of choice.’

So, I can check off my various choice-objections.

What is one of my choices?

To give up on the whole freedom thing… I can see immediately that my interest is to go into love

And to go into ‘cool,’ ‘competent,’ ‘impressive’

Interesting

1|7|22

Thinking about ‘cool’ today

It’s a felt experience

Excitement involved

Judgment of the other and myself in terms of value, ‘cooler than,’ ‘not as cool as’

Impressiveness, being someone that can do things that others can’t do

Based on relativity between people and ‘scarcity of coolness’

Not everyone can be cool… if they were, they wouldn’t be cool anymore

It is defined by the cool-uncool interplay

‘Uncool’ is insecure, anxious, timid, performative… incompetent…

‘Cool’ is the mirror of all those… self-sufficient, self-sustaining, having no problems… literally cool, calm, collected… and getting the girl in the end, of course.

That’s where a lot of my trouble has been… it’s not part of the ‘cool’ narrative for the girl to choose someone else.

It’s also not much to be ‘cool’ and for it to not be recognized by others… especially the other ‘cool’ ones. Aka the ones that I experience as cool.

This isn’t a very stable situation, it’s the same as with love. It’s not frequent for two people to experience eachother as cool, and it’s not likely to last either.

I’ve been a lonely ghost in my life looking for ‘cool enough’ people to associate with me, and alternately not feeling cool enough to hang, and feeling that those around me aren’t cool enough to hang.

What do I get from coolness?

Respect

noun
1.
a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

So it’s wanting to be admired. ‘Being’ admirable.

So it is connected to love.

Lovable.

The status of being connected to love.

Which means, I get to experience love.

This makes sense because it’s connected to rejection: if I’m cool, I’m respected, I’m admirable, I’m loved, there isn’t rejection.

So I’ve spent all this time trying to clean myself up / dress up in such a way that I can avoid rejection.

Because the felt moment of rejection is scary and I’ve seen that when the other rejects me, then I reject myself.

In the rejection of myself, I’m rejecting my own experiencing, which is a dissociation from experience. Which is… the pits.

As in, the abyss.

Enjoying + appreciating is the opposite… a full engagement with my own experience, enjoyment of my moment of experiencing, appreciation of everything that is happening just as-it-is-happening.

I will not reject myself. The others will not stop rejecting me, but there is no sting when I decline rejecting my own experience.

1|7|22

I’m always waiting to get outside verification that I’m ok, that I’m safe, that I’m loved, but the verification can’t happen to the degree that ‘I’ need it… ever. It’s forever not quite enough.

I’ve seen this before and it’s not quite been enough for me to drop it.

I do have the clearer comparison now that love doesn’t hold a candle to actual experiencing.

So, with cool still chasing an aspect of love, then it still is less than the actual experiencing… it is another identity in fact, which will forever keep the actual from becoming apparent.

‘I’ am still hanging onto cool, which means I’m still hanging onto desiring love from the other.

‘Cool’ is more general-universal than romantic love… it’s interesting that I was faster to release (most of) romantic love than I’m being to release the general love of ‘cool.’ It connects to more people.

This makes additional sense as it seems to me at this stage that my personal greatest motivation is a very wide-angled desire to do what is best for all humanity

So ‘cool’ is the love version of that.

Claudiu’s advice about making 3 categories of emotion (negative, positive, and felicitous) rather than just 2 (negative, positive) is useful for this. No longer do I need to be either ‘cool’ or ‘uncool,’ I can now be ‘cool,’ ‘uncool,’ or the third alternative, felicitous/happy/harmless.

It’s very obvious the harm that is done by ‘cool,’ as if I am cool then another must be uncool. This characteristic clearly comes from the love as it has the same logic: more love directed toward one implies less love directed to another.

By being happy-harmless-felicitous, I am essentially retiring from the game altogether.

The love is literally no longer preferable to me compared to actual experiencing - for me and for them.

By playing the ‘cool’ game, I am feeding a love-based narrative.

And there is so much delight here! So much peace! How could I give that up for the sake of, ‘cool’ - especially knowing the pernicious effects of love more intimately now.

Just another love-narrative.

I’m clearly experiencing any love as ‘zero-sum,’ if someone else is getting some then I’m not getting it

The same is extant with cool… when they are admired-respected-seen as cool, then it reduces my coolness.

Marching orders are simple: unhitch ‘cool,’ and direct all energy toward ‘happy-harmless-free’

I notice a clear pattern in friendship, the age old “best friend”.

One will be attractive, one less attractive.

One is “cooler”, the other “funny”.

It’s very rare to see two “besties” that are equally cool, attractive, funny, charismatic etc.

It’s the contrast that the cooler one wants. It’s the reflected glory the uncool wants.

In my opinion, there is nothing cooler than someone genuinely off the beaten track. Unknown, anonymous. In a realm of freedom that i can’t even imagine.

Actually free seems to fit the bill. :sweat_smile::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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@henryyyyyyyyyy (man those y’s! :grinning:) I can see you going through a lot of investigational churn in your diaries. That is generally a good thing methinks. But one can get caught up in the details. Ultimately it is likely the ‘you’ that wants love will always be there, right up to the point of self-immolation. You may whittle it right down in an impressive manner and create a relatively happy and harmless ‘you’ in the end, but for the most part ‘you’ will still be there warts and all.

The good thing about investigation is that you start to get a sense of the ‘shape’ or the ‘flavour’ of ‘you’. Your own very brand of subjectivity with its idiosyncrasies, jealousies, fears, insecurities etc. As a feeling being I found that while it was good to steadily become happier and more harmless, it was even better to see all of me as a whole and to have an acceptance of ‘me’ as ‘I’ am. To do this I had to repeatedly go into purity, via PCE’s, EE’s or even near-EE’s. Purity will bring ‘being’ into relief, demarcate it and give you that acceptance. I don’t mean some deep self-love thing. Just an acknowledgement of the ground reality of your subjectivity, as ‘you’. Eventually you realise there is nothing much you can do about being. It just is what it is. It’s a T-rex that the actualist is forever trying to turn into a fluffy poodle. That’s when the next step will begin to appear into view.

So in summary: maybe investigate a little less, focus of seeing/feeling being as a whole and accepting it as what ‘you’ are, juxtapose purity and being. Let me know how you go. I’m curious to see if this changes things for you.

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This is super useful for me too @Srinath it is exactly what has been going over in my head recently. This realisation that no matter how much I attempt to whittle myself down I will always be the same ‘me’ at the core, and it is only the experience of purity which seems to release me even if just temporarily from the burden of being.

Just like @henryyyyyyyyyy I have spent an enormous amount of time exploring all the corners of ‘me’ but it seems lately for me investigation is hitting the same dead end, it all leads back to the feeling being called me. I have been going back and forth contemplating how to reduce myself even further but it is becoming clearer that past a certain point this doesn’t seem to be effective, it only seems to create internal conflict, like you said I am trying to turn the T rex that is me into a fluffy poodle and I just won’t budge.

This is really exciting to read though so thanks for that great post :blush: Perhaps a slightly different approach is needed at this point.

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I hope we have some sort of archive for these posts @Srinath

Gold.

It reminded me of what I saw a month ago; how ‘we’ automatically overlay a pre-existing moral/religious/ethical code over actualism to create ‘actualism’.

The TRex must allow itself to become extinct. Only the comet/meteor of pure intent will make this possible, only the naivete of a willing self, that Iost corner, that forgotten kid, is “dumb” enough to be smart enough for that to hit home.

vive l’extinction

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Thank you Srinath, this had the effect of ‘waking me up’ somewhat and I’m adjusting my orientation. I can see that I’ve been leaning on investigation to the point of it becoming another crutch, and as you say there is no turning a t-rex into a poodle.

I also experienced this as quite unsettling, which I’m taking as nothing but a good sign.

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I realise I might have inadvertently set up ‘happy and harmless’ against the awareness of being here, so let me rephrase. Pursuing happiness and harmless moment to moment come what may is what what will gradually separate out purity (me as this body) from being (‘me’ as feeling being). Its not that we are trying to purify being (can’t because rotten to the core etc.) but trying to see being for what it is and distinguish me from ‘me’. Investigation will help to further demarcate being as a whole but it is an accessory tool rather than the main thing.

As one goes up the happy and harmless imitative ladder (feeling good, great, excellent, perfect) this difference between me and ‘me’ gets more pronounced. That’s why it is important to eventually get to frequent EE’s and ultimately PCE’s. They give you a very clear separation between me and ‘me’, which is much harder to discern when one is simply feeling good.

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1|10|22

A bit down atm, where is purity?

Interestingly this ‘down’ comes juxtaposed with a ‘high’ yesterday afternoon and remarkable clarity. I have noticed this juxtaposing as a pattern in the past as well.

The noticing is moving me closer to perfect

Tired, which is definitely effecting me

All more ‘me’

My upset earlier was because my partner decided to hang out with someone else tonight instead of me, and changed her mind at the last minute to do that

It could be because she has some aversions to me, she has told me that there are some things she’s been experiencing, which I really appreciated hearing and explains some other things.

Obviously I don’t know what happened tonight precisely but assuming my fears that it’s because of the aversion are correct, that’s still ok. It’s because she as human, just as I am human and everyone is human.

I can see right now that often my intellectual process has resulted in a ‘split,’ that I keep my investigations in a bubble of ‘intellectual’ to somewhat distance from ‘me,’ from life itself.

It has still helped me in that when I can shift my mood successfully, change happens.

I can be more direct than that now.

This is life, it is happening right now. These things are actually happening.

All these people really are running around the world experiencing all this suffering.

I’m still trying to make ‘partner yes’ work, probably out of a scarcity mindset

Because I am scared of rejection from other women still, so I anticipate that I will be rejected and that that is bad

And I’m scared of being alone / by myself

Her having a good time with others is a problem for me because of the above

And I assume that being around her will be a good time (“is a good idea”)

The situation definitely makes / has made me uncomfortable, unhappy, sad.

She has her humanity and in all likelihood won’t stop having it. The ball is in my court at this point.

The other guys also have their humanity and also likely won’t stop having it.

And right now I have my humanity, too. That’s what these feelings are.

It doesn’t matter if I feel that I can justify them to someone else, it still has the effect of making my evening miserable.

I also am aware that I’m effecting her with those emotions.

That means it’s likely that I’m ruining her evening, too.

I think part of why I’m hanging on is I know the seductive power of love, and I’m afraid of what will happen if I don’t use love anymore

But love includes desire, and desire is what is leading to the ruining of the evening. So I’m also signing up for this to continue, when the lover continues. When I continue.

Love made me forget, for quite a bit of this evening, that I can have a good time by myself. I thought I needed her for that. I was taking for granted that this is worse.

And then I need her to do something, or there’s a problem. It’s a demand.

I can’t locate, ‘problem’ right now.

It’s there but it’s very thin

There are some things that I’d like, but anything that exists I can do something about. When it’s just a fantasy there’s nothing to do, it’s just yearning

Like just now my back was a bit uncomfortable so I changed how I was sitting

If I’m interested in someone I can ask them on a date

But a fantasy is just a dream. It doesn’t do anything useful. It generates suffering. It’s not anything that’s here.

It doesn’t have facticity. It doesn’t even tell me anything useful. If it’s something I can plan off of, that’s different. But a fantasy is a phantasm. It dissolves when I go toward it

Trying to arrange things that can’t be arranged

And then when it doesn’t work out how I dreamed, I get upset. It ruins my night

I don’t know a lot of stuff, I can’t tell how a lot of situations will play out. So I just chase the fantasies. It’s superstitious in nature.

I draw some thin association and then try to believe in it, try to chase it, but it’s not there. Maybe very occasionally it’s there by luck.

And I want it so badly that I’m willing to continue engaging in this haphazard process. Including the ‘night is ruined’ part. I’m willing to sacrifice innumerable evenings and days for that small chance that the fantasy will pan out how I want.

It really just doesn’t. Disappointments stack up. The feeling is soured. Resentment comes.

Looking for some past self that can handle this situation and finding no one.

I guess it’s just me, then. Ok.

1|12|21

What’s foremost for me? I can continue to benefit from thinking about jealousy & the larger insecurity there.

I definitely haven’t had an overall sense of enjoyment of my life. Everything has been married to, ‘need to get the girl.’

So when anything happens that doesn’t align with ‘getting the girl,’ its a major problem for me.

I have a stake.

I can do everything because it’s sensible rather than because of ‘being.’

It’s just a question of seeing it at this point.

Connecting to the sensate moment of apperceptive experiencing.

The perfection that is happening now.

“Everything is perfect, always has been, and always will be.”

That’s a lot of perfect. That’s a long time, ‘always.’

That’s a lot of past. That’s a whole foot-long subway sandwich.

I’m eternally at war with everyone else.

Trying to get mine.

“I am Good”

Peace is here.

I want peace more than I want anything else. That’s how self immolation is going to happen.

Actual peace. Nothing fake will do.

Perfection exists in the absence of me…

We actually roam the earth, I am actually sitting here.

The facts of the situation.

It’s a fact that the others experience aversion and desire and will inevitably experience both aversion and desire toward me. It is inherent to humans.

The possibility is there for me to cease ‘being.’ For my ‘being’ to cease completely.

What is ‘being’ doing?

Interrupting perfection. Making schemes. Taking offense. Fantasizing. Being fearful about things. Disliking. Rejecting. Loving. Desiring. A feeling of ‘falling.’

There is no abyss.

I create the abyss.

The falling is ‘me’ not liking something

Rejecting, trying to escape

What is there to escape from? This is all there is.

What need is there to escape? I am safe. Nothing can go wrong.

I’m telling the others that something bad is happening. When I believe that something is going wrong.

I’m making them afraid, too. They feel afraid just as I feel afraid.

I’m contributing to them feeling afraid. They’re all afraid on and on.

1|14|21

Deleted reddit last night because I took a walk at the beach by myself yesterday and had a super-clear time, outside the influence of anyone else.

Thinking about Richard’s statement, ‘a naive enthusiasm to undo all the conditioning’ as well as the noticing that Vineeto and Peter became free in eachother’s company, and Richard became free after intensive time spent with Devika… it’s clear that solitude was a big part of his process as well.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time on my phone, previously it was instagram, twitter, reddit, facebook. Awhile ago I dropped facebook and twitter to a large degree, and a couple months ago I deleted the instagram app. With that deletion a large amount of my attention turned to actualism, as well as to reddit. It seems that in moments of negativity the mind seeks ‘something to do,’ and these apps serve as a ready answer - literally always within arm’s reach.

With solitude in mind, reddit got the ax last night as well.

Already this morning I’ve seen my awareness ‘look’ for the app… amusingly, the app ‘discord’ has a similar-looking logo as reddit had, and several times I have urged myself to click on it, to get that dopamine hit… but there is no reddit there. Nothing to click on. I’ve had a similar experience with the other apps listed above before.

Eventually I ran out of interest to my phone, and my interest turned to areas of my life that I have been avoidant of: financial concerns and the ongoing construction of my house. I can see that I’ve been fearful of them, that I have tried to sweep them under the rug in various subtle ways.

And to my delight, I found it quite simple, quite easy, to approach the task today. And all because I removed the temptation/time-suck* of reddit.

I don’t have a major issue with such platforms in the larger sense, but I have been increasing my interest/desire to become free lately, and so it only makes sense to remove obstacles to that. This is one such obstacle.

Interested to see what comes next!

*Something interesting about ‘time-suck,’ considering that time doesn’t exist… it’s always now… with that in mind, is ‘reddit’ really what I want to do with my only moment of being alive? No… it’s a cover for me being unhappy about some other stuff. I noticed when I was looking to open the app that it came instantaneously on the heels of a bad feeling… more to find there!

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(cont)

Just accomplished in less than an hour a house-wiring task that I’ve put off for about 2 months… a remarkable occurrence.

This is not just because of the reddit thing, it’s part of a long-gestating shift.

Primary involvements include my prioritization of relationship - in many ways the last 2 months have been about unlearning the primacy of loving my partner / girls in general.

Additionally, the larger purity-perfection becoming the dominant force gave me the sufficient comfort and confidence to delete a social media addiction and create the space to then approach this task which previously would send me into avoidance.

Also implicated in this is the shift from using investigation to approach everything, to a more hands-on / ‘beer’ based tactic since being pointed in that direction by Srinath

Happy to be here. The difference in ease is startling.

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Yes the difference in ease is exactly how I found it, glad you’ve found it the same!

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(Cont)

A bit of felt threat via a ‘rival in love.’

Is it a fact that attraction is a one-way street? That once she’s interested in someone else, it’s already over?

I don’t think so. If she engages with me, there is potential. Hm

Something I’ve been trying to judge lately has been, ‘how do I decide what is worth it?’

Maybe a good model is, ‘comparison.’

I could hang out with her, or I could have coffee alone. I could do my own solitary thing.

I could hang out with her, or I could hang out with someone else. If there is another option, then I have that option.

That’s where my fear of rejection comes into play: I have a mindset based on scarcity. I’m afraid that if I lose her, that I will have ‘nothing.’

That it will be ‘hard,’ ‘unlikely’ for something else to happen.

Are there people ‘out there’ who are interested in the same things as me, that want to ‘play tennis’ with me?

One area that I’m moving into right now is that intimacy is ‘happy to be here,’ ‘the correct thing is happening in my life,’ ‘no objections.’

I definitely have a gap between my current experiencing and that.

What objections do I have?

I keep thinking I need a girl… that’s definitely a Henry thing. I can use Srinath’s advice, to ‘accept my ground of being,’ here.

Yes. That is Henry. “I need a girl.”

And then there’s perfection.

No one playing tennis with me right now…

I’m just here by myself in my little house, typing away on the laptop while a lil’ Hazel English bumps in the background. ‘Love is Dead’ - how appropriate!

If a girl were here, things would be different than they are, but they are what they are so they’re not different than they are.

the above conditions are utterly vital – entirely confident/ absolute certainty (PCE) freed of doubt/ absence of choice – else any invocatory destiny will be, at best, fruitless.

Hm… Freed of doubt… absence of choice.

What does it take for me to have that?

More experience.
More comparison of the options.
More PCEs/EEs.

[cont.] every body is but a missed heart-beat or two away from death each and every day and then death is your constant companion; an ever-present reminder that to die without having ever lived fully – as in totally fulfilled, completely satisfied, utterly content – is such a waste of a life.

That brings into awareness the current-time importance of becoming free. How can I forever wait for the conditions to be perfect before I allow myself to be happy, to enjoy, to revel in existence? I have done that for so long already…

I will die one day… perhaps today…

So the line of connection right now consists of:

‘Rival’ exists (physically as another human, and energetically as a felt belief in me).

With the existence of ‘rival,’ I am apparently willing to feel fearful.

With the moment of fearfulness happening right now, I’m saying that “I will feel happy once the conditions change” (rival goes away / ceases existing).

However, I don’t really have a timeline on the rival going away… especially because plane tickets exist so my partner can always visit him lol

That means that whenever he (or whatever new rival) pops into my awareness, I will feel fearful.

So my current-time experiencing is: ‘fearful.’

Obviously ‘fearful’ is effecting other bodies, as well as this body.

‘Fearful’ creates situations where I act out of ‘fearful,’ impulsively attacking others completely unnecessarily.

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