I’ve had that a lot with my tiny house: “wow, I understand now why people get houses the normal way.”
Richard told me a story of trying to be a homesteader and do everything rustically and he had this epiphany: power tools / modern technology is great!
We don’t have to do everything weirdly, to be free!
Sensible means sensible, not “the opposite of everyone else” 
12|21|21
The solstice! While I was observing my vibe-charge movement last night I had a rush of thinking I might become free, and thought it would be really cool if I became free on the solstice. A lot of people seem to become free this time of the year for some reason. Richard in early November, Peter and Vineeto at the end and beginning of the year, respectively. Srinath early November. Geoffrey became free in September. It’s interesting. A lot of these (all of them?) were in the Southern Hemisphere too, so really that’s midsummer for them. I’m plunged in darkness right now in Alaska. It’s a very introspective environment. Seasonal depression is common here.
But I am not free today, so I guess it won’t be on the solstice. I guess that’s not what happened! Just some imaginative hopefulness.
I’ll take it as encouragement (:
–
I have some uncovering to do: where does ‘delight/perfection’ fit into Kiman’s model?
It seems there’s very little vibe energy happening, but it is in the love spectrum which is interesting considering that love is a double-removal.
Sorrow does seem to have a debilitating effect which is antithetical to freedom.
It’s altruism that gets me over the finish line. So that’s love.
Only ‘I’ can remove ‘I’ so ‘I’ need the altruism-love to finish things off. I need love as the motivator because otherwise I’ll just stay in ‘me’ and keep self-pitying and all the rest.
A few times last night I was experiencing, ‘everyone I have ever known is cheering me on to finish,’ which I have had a couple of times before. Awash in love.
I found that I could get close to ‘doing it’ by channeling my love for my partner. But I was side-tracked at the last minute by a practical consideration (?) and its ‘implications,’ just another way of saying fears… it is an objection for me rn. So I can look at that.
I just realized - it’s still the solstice all day! So maybe I’ll become free on the solstice after all, hehe
–
A wound between my partner and I is, housing.
We lived together a bit over a year ago, but it was really chaotic and difficult and I wanted ‘out,’ to have my own place. That hurt her a lot. So there’s still an injury there. And then I wonder, ‘why isn’t there as much closeness?’ But it’s because of that injury.
So last night I ‘escaped’ freedom by going into, ‘we should live together’ as a way to heal that injury and thus allow closeness again. Well, maybe. I don’t know. But it is obviously a different playing-field. I’m really not quite ready to commit to living together. I guess that’s my injury. Hmmmmmmmm
I’m scared of potential ‘chaos’ and ‘difficulty,’ because I’m afraid of that feeling-bad in myself.
It’s good that I cracked ‘chaos’ the other day, that makes this much easier to approach.
A friend pointed out to me (somewhat?) accurately that maybe spiritual work is not most easily done in a chaotic environment
I agree and disagree… that is clearly where my attention and interest lie, so for me the best thing to do is ‘dive in’ and explore.
I also see my approach right now as ‘as direct as possible.’
I’m attempting to become free the same way a Saturn V rocket reaches space.
A lot of bouncing around. A lot of G-forces.
What I have right now is, ‘intensity.’ So I’m using it.
Really I’m the chaotic one now, lol.
I’ve been making so much progress too though. It doesn’t feel destructive. I guess that’s the ‘Saturn V rocket’ part.
It’s interesting with the rocket metaphor because there’s so much power moving and energy, but also that’s an incredibly precision-engineered piece of machinery, with years of work behind it. What I’m saying right now is, “I’m ready.” “I’ve done my countdown, there is not time but the present to hit the ignition and just go.”
And I’ve never done it before, but I’ve done loads of planning for this to happen.
I guess one difference is that I’m capable of changing course with new information coming in. I have more steering capability. It’s not just, “outer space or bust.”
So far the information coming in has been confirmation.
But I do have this ‘housing niggle.’
What it comes down to is, there are a bunch of practical considerations with moving which mean that a certain degree (?) of commitment is useful.
Wow ok that’s a belief
That was fast lmao
What does it mean, those words, “do you want to live together”
It’s setting up a plan, which is subject to change.
It means saving money for her, as well as maybe she could pay some small rent which would be helpful for me.
It means being around eachother a lot. Which can go well or not well. That’s the part that’s the most spicy in all of this. Making that judgment call.
I can see that I’m swinging so wildly between, “this person is great I want to be around her all the time (love)” and, “We should break up immediately, this is a waste of time.”
Again… chaotic. Emotion-fuelled. Maybe not the best space to be making promises from.
Where is intimacy, closeness in all of this? Really that’s what the housing question is about. Removing that wound.
I’m trying to remove her wound.
Damn this is provocative for me.
I’m in the right place.
Nurture. It’s nurture.
Us moving in together won’t heal her wound.
The best thing I can do is, ‘freedom.’
Then, these decisions won’t be being made from emotion in the first place. I’m re-wounding her all the time by swinging so wildly.
I remember realizing this a couple years ago: I was always trying to plan out my life for it to be good, and then I could see that I made the best / clearest plans when I was clear/free/happy+harmless. In other words, my time is always best spent becoming more free than trying to ‘arrange things.’
Obviously a certain amount of arranging things is necessary to move forward……. as a physical being…
Either way the best thing is to become free. And the best thing right this second is to get back to H+H to think more clearly as well.
I’ll need a lot of lightness to have the momentum to make it through this issue productively. Perfection is the aim.
–
I’m extremely happy with myself, yesterday I had a really difficult conversation with my partner. I’ve always ‘acquiesced’ in the past for ‘peace,’ but it was at my own expense. Then I’d run away. And now I’m not doing that. I have a voice, I have preferences. It’s quite simple. I just had to not be afraid, and I did it. It really felt like the first time in my life that I’d ever done it without backing down. It was clear.
I don’t know how my life is going to be now. It’s stepping into a new space of autonomy. I know I can take care of myself now.
Something funny happened which is that I’ve carried a bit of an ‘edgelord,’ ‘dark’ energy with me essentially ever since I started having adult PCEs. It was a way of protecting myself from others. Giving myself the space to operate. And with communicating the way I did with her last night, I could see it wasn’t there anymore. I didn’t have to wear fear/darkness on my chest to ‘ward others away.’
I don’t have to keep others away anymore. God that feels good.
I’m safe to be what I am, now.
It’s also related to not being afraid of being alone anymore. Saying, “I don’t like ‘X’”, actually saying it, means she could decide she doesn’t want to change ‘X,’ and go away.
So I’m saying, really to myself, that ‘X’ is important enough to me that I’ll risk that. It’s allowing myself that option / freedom of movement.
–
Accidentally overshot lightness into fear again! Ok, where is lightness: it’s now
I’m still scared of other people: why
I think they can hurt me
With their vibes
I don’t have to feel their vibes at the same time as them.
My vibe can be: ‘perfect.’
Them being upset or annoyed with me is perfect. It’s natural. It’s the way things are.
Had a breakthrough around sex last night: I was making an assumption, that sex is good, that everyone likes it. No. It’s momentary experiencing. It can be anything. It’s bigger than ‘good.’ Far bigger. Everything is far bigger than ‘good.’ It’s a sensate experience that happens now.
And so is everything else. Everything that is, is now.
This typing is not of lesser importance than ‘sex.’
Not of lesser importance than ‘girls.’
Nothing is of ‘lesser importance.’
That means I have nowhere to go or be. That means there is no offense anywhere, and no FOMO.
No, ‘left out.’
It’s the ‘negative charge’ which tells me, “I need to get elsewhere.” And the ‘elsewhere’ that I go to, is the positively-generated fantasy.
I stop the system for her, for them. For everyone I’ve ever met. I don’t have to keep leaving them, rejecting them to go into my fantasy.
The best life is here and now.
Freedom happens because I see that it’s the best thing to do for everyone, beyond all other options.
–
Ok, lightness and intent are in my experience now. I can go back to the housing thing.
Living-together.
Proximity.
I’m afraid just thinking about it.
I’m afraid because still, now, when I’m around her I frequently feel fear. Ok, that’s great. That’s simple. Now I can look for that. I know how to drop fear now. I’ll just do that every time.
There are no stakes. If she’s here, great, I’m happy. If she’s not, great, I’m happy.
I don’t want her to have to sacrifice her happiness and freedom for me. If that’s what’s going on. I want her to go.
Happiness is bigger than anything ‘I’ need.
The actuality is bigger.
The direct experience
Housing: yes or housing: no is pretty immaterial.
I don’t know in this moment if we will or if we won’t.
I certainly don’t know if that experiment would heal her.
I don’t know if I’ll want to change course in the future.
How could I know that?
It is clear that my light ambience increases overall lightness. It is the best thing to do.
I want for her happiness. Housing is the least of the issues with that in mind.
Still there is fear for me at that proximity.
I can make ‘fear’ a non-starter.
That means, ‘unconditional.’
That means, ‘there is nothing that will make me feel afraid.’
That means, no objections. No matter what.
There is nothing that can happen that will make me feel fear.
What can happen?
Yesterday was very emotionally intense. I had a ton of fear. So I can get into those things.
Any fear, is happening now.
‘Me’ is happening now.
I had the most viscerally obvious awareness that it is ME that will be removed last night. I thought I might become free in the next moment, because that’s how it happened for Geoffrey:
And not some dissociated ‘I’ with enough quotes not to be me, but me right now thinking this.
This was what happened next, for him:
There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.
I was walking on a dirt path, in the shadows of the trees, a few hundred meters from home, with a big smile on my face, when everything stopped.
I saw the vortex that is ‘me’ drastically slow down, as it could not move in the overarching stillness, and evaporate, as it had no substance but movement.
Then there was nothing left. And nothing missing.
For me, I got excited about maybe becoming free. Hm hmm
As long as there’s me, it’s so dirty. Selfish. Everything has to come back to me. “I want my way.” I want my way. Simple as that.
So much pain.
And just like he says. There’s the actual world. Just waiting patiently. Forever. Hopefully it doesn’t take me forever. I don’t have forever.
In a way I do. It’s not a big deal if I die. I’ve had a good life. I’ve done really well.
What is double-removal? I looked it up but didn’t get any relevant results 
After crashing into brick walls several times, I settled on ‘It is best not to delve into altruism’. Because I’d then unconsciously introduce that into my day-to-day living:
If I don’t help somebody because I have an important work to do, “me” won’t take kindly to it because it desires freedom and altruism seems to be a necessity for it. A part of the subliminal mind goes, “If I am not even able to let go of this silly self-centered ‘important’ work for the sake of somebody else, how can I even dare to think of altruism(self-immolation for the sake of everybody else) and actual freedom.” This would create a continual war within me, which takes me away from feeling good.
Altruism I think can only happen by itself. “I” can only be observant of whatever that interferes with excellence or feeling good. Emotions interfere by creating ‘me’. Most thoughts interfere because they stoke emotions. Any action on our part besides observing how they are playing out may not yield much benefit.
I coined it myself but on the AFT site it’s referred to via how love is ‘palliative’ (aka in response to negative emotions aka covering negative emotions aka 2-layers).
So the negative is still there, the love comes on top to protect ‘me’ (basically on the animal level this is to keep me from laying down and dying of depression).
What I was able to observe directly was that the negative was always there, sometimes growing sometimes weakening. And then the loving feelings would come in and warp my vision to an even greater degree. That’s the double-layer; the negative is still lurking under the positive. For me specifically, the loving-fantasy is usually very visual, to the point where it is as if a movie screen has dropped in front of my vision, I can literally no longer see the actual. My awareness is not on the actual information coming in my senses, or actual thoughts/memories. It is on the loving fantasy.
–
Richard defines altruism as a one-time event, the full self-sacrificing moment of ‘complete altruism.’
In the normal world this is illustrated by someone heroically sacrificing their own lives to save someone else, in a drowning incident just for example.
In actualism terms, it is ‘me’ heroically sacrificing/self-immolating for the good of all humanity. That can only happen once.
It is something that ‘I’ do, though the action does in the end consist of ‘me’ “allowing it to happen” (as in, allowing the universe to bestow freedom upon me). The altruistic moment is the stepping out of the way and allowing.
The smaller altruisms could perhaps be related to caring.
Caring is interesting because for most people, caring is usually like “they want ‘x,’ so I will give them ‘x.’” It’s very simple.
With some context, it’s clear that such caring creates codependencies. That’s an interesting scenario, because once that is visible it means that ‘always giving them ‘x’’ is NOT caring. Because we know that it results in more suffering for them and for everyone.
In the end, the caring that moves the needle the most is for me to become happy/harmless/free. In whatever specific situation, but also in the big way as in self-immolating once and for all.
That context means, it’s no longer about ‘giving them x all the time,’ which I don’t want to do anyway. Which takes care of:
The most important work is: becoming free. Of course it would be silly to stop, ‘becoming free’ because someone else wants their petty thing. That is in the larger context hurting them.
That’s the type of altruism/caring that I’m working to connect myself more directly to.
12|23|21
Major breakthrough/realization yesterday.
Following my direct observations of moving vibrational charges via Kiman’s analogy/observation, my sensitivity and awareness of emotional tone has been increased for the last few days. It’s more clear than ever what perfection consists of for ‘me,’ as well as how the emotional states inter-play with one another.
My current situation, to simplify somewhat, is that I am seeing a girl who I have been seeing for 3 years now, and the entirety of our relationship has been ‘open’ as in, if she wants / I want to see someone else, we are free to. For the most part it has still looked monogamous for 95% of the time, though there have been occasional other people involved for periods. There has also been just as much felt jealousy, possession, and codependency as in any conventional monogamous relationship, but with the awareness that we want eachother to be free and happy.
She started dating a good friend of mine (side note - what exactly is friendship?) a couple months ago, and with the beginning of that relationship our dynamic with eachother turned upside down: where she had most-often been the insecure ‘chaser’ and I the prideful ‘leader/’the one who would run away,’ we flipped in the emotional paradigm. This was very educational in terms of emotional dynamics, and it almost ended the relationship more than once.
I also had the benefit of having been in her place before, and fully-knowing the amount of discomfort I was causing her with my insecurity, and now knowing first-hand the insecurity-suffering that she had previously been experiencing. Since the beginning of the arising of jealousy I was determined to remove it.
–
She has been visiting for the christmas holiday, and with her return to town my emotional tone became increasingly panicked/insecure. This was identical to the last time she visited. Luckily, in the intervening time I had been making tremendous progress in being happy & harmless, as well as in my increasingly clear view of the dynamics that were operating between us. My motivation to understand and remove the ‘me’ that was in the way has been greater than ever before.
Shortly before she returned to town, I met a man who I spoke with at length late into the night about all things humanity, as well as another girl who I similarly connected with. With both individuals there was tremendous naivete and enjoyment, verification of the work that I have done.
Seeing this girl was further illustration to me of freedom: I was delighted to be able to delight with another human and to still be able to see my partner.
Shortly after my partner returned home, in addition to dividing her time with my friend that she was dating, she became mutually romantically attracted to the man who I spoke with at length.
This was incredibly threatening to me. I have found myself vacillating between extreme clarity and delight, all of us delighting and having a wonderful time together, and greater jealous-insecure fear than I have ever felt in my life.
–
This came to something of an inflection point yesterday: the man I met, my partner, and I, all went snowboarding at a local ski resort, on the man’s dime (I don’t have money for such pursuits).
I could see pretty immediately that I was having a lot of trouble getting out of my own way and having a good time.
I left to take care of a practical consideration: fresh wax for my snowboard.
When I came back, I looked and found them: I looked up and saw them on the chairlift, her with her arm around him. I could see that they were having a sweet, close time together.
My insecurity flared. I was in deep emotional distress, and I could see that it was as a direct outcome of the sweet, close time that they were experiencing together.
The entire arrangement that her and I have set up, has been to allow for freedom-of-movement for her and for me, which was also what allowed for me to be able to meet with the other girl I mentioned above. I knew the sweetness that that moment consisted of. I also knew that my insecurity caused her distress.
The only thing in the way was ‘me.’ I couldn’t get out of the road with this issue. I knew that I was the only problem with the situation.
For the rest of the day I kept my attention on the insecurity I was experiencing. I was able to speak my mind with her and tell her what I was experiencing, while the man was on another part of the mountain for a few hours.
She and I went back to the lodge for a meal together, and while I was waiting for a bite to eat, shortly after peeing (incidentally, I frequently experience PCEs while/after peeing, to the point where we have a joke together: pee-PCEs), it suddenly hit me:
All my delight with her was completely conditional.
I was happy with her so long as she is giving me attention / delighting with me / sleeping with me.
As soon as any of those shift, I am no longer happy or harmless. I become miserable, moody, insecure, depressed, lash out, complain.
And the ‘happy’ is really possessive too: ‘I’ am happy, because ‘I’ am getting the love and attention that ‘I’ want.
I realized that I had to make it unconditional:
It doesn’t matter what she does.
It doesn’t matter how she interfaces with me or doesn’t interface with me at any one moment.
It doesn’t matter who else she connects with. It doesn’t matter what she does with her day. It doesn’t matter how she talks with me. It doesn’t matter how she listens to me. It doesn’t matter how chaotic or ‘straight-laced’ she is. Nothing about what she does, should shift:
What I can be, is happy to see her. Every time. No matter what.
–
For me, it has the character of some friends of the family (basically friends of my parents) that I have in my life.
They don’t have any expectation of me ‘showing up’ in a certain way.
They aren’t offended or bothered by anything that I happen to be getting up to in my life at any one time.
There’s enough distance that anything I report to them, isn’t threatening to them. It’s interesting. Everything is interesting/an adventure.
That’s what I can be, for her. And it doesn’t mean we can’t do anything particular, too. If what we mutually want to do is passionately make love for hours, great. If what we mutually want to do is talk, or each do our own thing, great. If she doesn’t want to see me that day/week/year, that’s ok. She is her own person. I know I’ll be happy regardless, and happy to see her regardless. If she shows up and wants to tease me, or yell at me, or attempt to manipulate me, it does not matter. I am happy to see her (though I may show her the door, lol).
–
This was epoch-shaking for me, and I actually was kicked into an extended EE in which I went upstairs and told her about the realization and thought for a bit that I may have entered virtual freedom as a permanent state, though the emotional tones came back after 45 minutes or so.
In any case, my approach is now obvious and it’s essentially the opposite of everything I was doing before.
Where before everything was about the love and attention that I needed from her, and an uncomfortable attempt at ‘giving her freedom,’ now the answer is always there: I am happy for her / happy to see her. She is no longer ‘within my sphere of influence.’ I can now clearly see that she is an individual human being, and that I never possessed her to begin with. It has a completely different character than anything I’ve ever experienced before.
It’s clearly connected to my own autonomy of what I experience when I’m alone, too: I have always been trying to ‘set up’ love-situations / sex-situations, from a distance: scheming for it to happen always.
Now, for the first time, the only place I have to get to is: actually free.
And I get to give her actual caring, rather than caring as a part of my scheme to get love/attention/sex.
It’s as if I have laid down a great burden. I have never felt like this in my adult life (indeed since sexual awakening around age 12 - that is 20 years of my life!)
Sorrow & anxiety are my constant background, which generates the necessary charge for desire to occur / be desirable
The desire-fantasies only look attractive because I’m unhappy now… in the actuality there is no felt differentiation between anything I could be doing now, and whatever imaginative fantastical scenario ‘I’ can dream up (for this ‘me,’ it most often has to do with some sex-scenario)
12|23|21
What’s up, Tiger Lily?
The actual is the only thing that can be happening
This moment is the only thing that is happening
I only think that ‘this’ is better than ‘that’ because I am an emotionally-generated being.
I’ve already seen this move with my realization at the ski resort.
Not to mention the thousands of past realizations which have changed me.
It’s just a matter of getting down the essential realizations between me and freedom.
I can see that I still experience some suffering/fear when anticipating my partner sleeping with someone else.
For some reason it’s less with the guy she’s already seeing.
He is a friend (again… what is a friend? Someone who I assume is ‘good,’ who ‘cares about me.’ That is a belief in the end…).
Which means the situation in general is belief-based
It’s definitely even more threatening if I imagine her sleeping with someone I don’t know, and especially if I think that they are so awesome.
Me vs. them status.
I’ve seen me flexing status most obviously in the past when I’ve had a belief that the girl on my arm is super attractive. I want others to see me with them in that situation.
I feel safer with the guy she’s already slept with because there’s a ‘stable situation’ where she sees him some of the time and me some of the time, but that’s a belief too: there is no stable situation in actuality. Things are changing all the time. There isn’t security in that.
She could begin to find him much more attractive than me and decide I’m not worth the trouble. Kaput.
Ok, I’ll humor myself.
Let’s say that in this situation she’s more likely to want to run off with the new guy, leaving me in the dust
The real issue here is that I think he’s cool, so when I project onto her I believe that she believes he’s cool.
This is threatening because obviously if he’s cool I must be not as cool, meaning my position is in danger.
In many ways I believe it’s already a lost cause.
It may well be. Love makes people do all kinds of things…
By seeing my own insecurity-fantasy, I can see ‘me.’
They hit it off
She visits him at a later date
They have a magical time traveling around somewhere
They proceed to ditch me and have an amazing life together
I am lame, left-out, and love-less.
Which is already what I’m feeling, right now lol.
Ok, time to reset to feeling-good.
I’ve noticed that the smallest, stupidest things can reset ‘me.’ Like, just looking at something that I like for 2 seconds. It’s convenient for actualism.
Ok, back in a good space
Let’s look at that again.
They’re off having an amazing time without me somewhere far away
It’s on an emotional scale because ‘I’ feel that amazement in that moment for a split-instant, and wish that I was feeling ‘amazement.’
That means that the operation of it is the same as my own moment of fantasy, it’s just that I have no problem projecting it on another person whereas I can’t project such things onto myself anymore because I’ve gotten too discouraged with life to believe it.
Wow ok that’s much bigger than expected
No wonder I was feeling so bad about this lol
I believe that I am a lost cause…
I’m just trying to use actualism to hang onto some shred of happiness… by that I mean girls…
Wowwwww
I’d even given up on “having an amazing time with girls.”
Like, I’m taking it for granted that it won’t be that great of a time
This is blowing my mind
This also means that I don’t genuinely think I can be free. Because ‘amazing time’ is one of the steps on the way to ‘free.’ I’ve been just holding some mediocre freedom substitute in mind.
Well. It’s good that that mediocre substitute was something I could lean on enough to get me this far to figure this out!
This is so much bigger than I thought. The actual potential.
I can have an amazing time. Of course I can have an amazing time! Every day can be a ball. There is no reason why not.
That means: start right now. Right now can be an amazing time.
Still a bit of resistance with that one. What’s the resistance?
Some part of me thinks something is wrong with what is happening
I don’t like where I am and what is happening
Where do I think I should be?
The projected fantasy involved traveling somewhere tropical.
I’ve had PCEs in tropical places. So it’s my own memory, re-projected onto them, and then it’s “I wish I could have that, I can’t have that.”
I’ve seen in myself sometimes a sense of ‘trapped’ in where I am.
It has to do with my parents, I’m worried about what they’d think if I went somewhere else.
All of this is so inter-connected.
Once again there have been psychic bonds placed.
What do the psychic bonds consist of?
“you are hurting us.”
That is what they tell me. Directly. With suffering etched on their faces. They believe it, and then I believe it.
I’ve danced out of this one with nifty ‘actualism intellectuality’ in the past, with ineffective results.
It has to be experiential.
Those psychic bonds are currently my ceiling on experience.
I can use the anger as motivation. That is what is needed here. This is my life. So much wasted life. A ceiling on life.
They were trying to manipulate me into leaving my partner earlier. She / the situation is “too chaotic” for them.
They were feeling bad / scared and they placed that bad feeling on me, as “the one who is causing the bad feeling.” That is their reality. I could see through it when it was her but not with me.
They don’t like the way I live my life and they try to manipulate me to do it differently.
It’s an interesting situation because my house is built right in their driveway so they see my comings and goings
And I go to them when I’m freaked out by money things. That has to stop. That’s part of what gives them that power.
When my partner is in town my psychic energy is directed toward her, but when she is out of town a large amount / most of it is directed toward family.
I owe them money too, that is part of where their power comes from.
I don’t have a counter to that in this instant. Time to get back to feeling good
I’m this little animal scrabbling for safety
I’ll suck up to anyone to feel safe in whatever moment.
In this case it’s with my Dad. He has power over me.
Beyond any money involved, the psychic power-control is there.
If he doesn’t like something, I ‘jump.’
I don’t allow myself to think, to fully operate.
To be happy.
He can’t actually hold me down and make me do anything.
That’s the final control. Anything less than that doesn’t exist. If I really choose to do something, I can. No one can prevent me.
I psychically believe he can stop me still.
He can shout at me. He can wave his arms. He can stamp his feet. He can threaten all kinds of terrible things. But it’s up to me what I do.
I’ve been through that before with someone else. I know I don’t have to be manipulated that way anymore.
It was a little easier because I was able to just ‘break things off’ with them, it was with a partner. There’s a socially-approved way to do that which isn’t frowned on too much.
With parents it’s a little trickier. But, people understand cutting them out when they’re really unreasonable.
Which means, my issue here is that I think my parents are ‘good,’ ‘reasonable.’
Which. Is just not true. As can be demonstrated by their emotional responses even tonight. It’s obvious that they’re in their emotions, that they’re not thinking clearly. They’re acting from pure fear. They think that by manipulating me they’re averting disaster.
So I can continue to skillfully divert their fears, which I was able to do with little trouble tonight - and with more practice I will only get more proficient. And, should they choose to escalate things beyond reason, yes I can in fact leave them. I don’t have to stay. I can, indeed, “break up with my parents.”
And I can energetically break off my dependence on them, tonight.
This seems to be another domino falling from the realization at the ski resort: I can’t keep my partner “within my influence.”
By the same stroke I have been living within my parent’s influence.
I take their feedback so seriously. I take their psychic waves as important, at face value. I feel that I have no choice. I feel squeezed. But the door is always there for me. In fact there never were any walls or door to begin with. Just this open world.
My belief has been that my parents were between me and, ‘awesome.’
When I was a little kid, I had to ask their permission to go spend the night at a friend’s house. That was my definition of ‘awesome.’ So, I had to have their approval. There was more than one tearful night of bum-out when my parents shut me down from doing those things that I wanted to do. They ruled my life. And I just never realized that I never turned that off!
I don’t want to hurt them just to hurt them, but I also can’t live my life half-way just because they’re scared for me.
I don’t know how this will be resolved. I can see that I’m on a precipice.
I get ‘shut down’ by my parents, and my ambience is like a whipped dog. And then my partner sees me that way and she is not attracted to me. And insecurity is sown. She would be attracted to someone that does not have that psychic bond. As well she should, lol.
How do I break out of this?
My identity is, ‘child.’
All the rebellious music & posturing lives inside of the identity ‘child,’ it isn’t freedom from it.
My intention in 2010 was: the best life possible. For me and for everyone I know. We all die one day.
I can’t sacrifice that because my parents are sad about how I’m living.
That’s what I did in 2010. I remember. I was starting to really live, and they ‘reeled me in.’ It was the exact same narrative.
Now I have a blueprint. I know what I have to do. I know how to do it. I know I’m not a threat to society, to myself, or to them. I’m just living.
I know that I can’t avoid hurting their feelings. It’s not worth it to live halfway in a vain attempt to avoid hurting them. One more human life wasted.
Awesome. Perfection. I connect well with the word, ‘awesome.’ I know that word well. I can feel it inside myself. I can be awesome. I can live awesome. Why not? Because it’s too scary for someone? OF COURSE it’s too scary for someone lmao. Most of what I’m doing is too scary for someone. In this case, too scary for my parents.
They are just two someones. I’m not scared. I’m just alive, right now. Life is just happening. I don’t see a problem with doing this or that. The security comes from ‘now.’
One more step toward ‘insane.’
What is ‘awesome,’ for me? What am I blocking?
Going out at random hours is a big one. I’ve done it some, but I do always feel guilt. I know they worry.
I still do it, though. So all that’s happening is guilt. And maybe I do it less than I would otherwise. And then I feel lame… because I’m blocking awesome… and feeling like a whipped dog. Lame.
I am the only one that can ‘awesome.’
I can only do my own awesome. No one will hand it to me. My parents will never, ever give it to me. They want me safe, not awesome.
They don’t want me to live the best life possible. They want me to live the safest life possible.
Safe…
Never taking risks.
Damn, this is big
Chaos.
Intelligence.
My own intelligence.
I figure for myself out how to live. They don’t tell me.
By living-actually, the facts are paramount, there is no doubt, which means that their doubt holds no water. It has no weight. There is no reason at all to be scared, of anything. No fear they can generate counters that basic fact.
If I am doing something I am not sure about, and they offer a viewpoint, that is different. Perhaps I can learn from what they say. But if they offer me a fear, and I am not afraid, and I can see the facts of the situation, there is no amount of their fear that can dissuade me. Because the fact is there.
That doesn’t mean I completely disregard their fear. I care about them. I don’t want to trigger their fear needlessly. But it is no longer a prime directive of mine.
I’m going to need more motivation to finish the job on this one.
–
I’m in an interesting spot: my usual prime directive is no longer there the way it was (girls/sex). I find lurking beneath it, ‘awesome.’ And then it turns out ‘awesome’ was being blocked by my progenitors (picked that word up from Richard! Thanks, Richard).
So here’s lil ol me, destined to be forever ‘not-awesome.’
A life of non-awesomeness.
Sounds kinda… lame. Those are the poles:
Awesome ---------------- Lame
^Henry
(this is the precise amount of awesome that my parents allow me to have)
So you’re telling me, that there’s a whole world of awesomeness out there, and I’m going to not awesome it up to the utter maximum, because of my parents?
Sounds like something a lame person would do.
You don’t want to be lame, right?
Want to be awesome, right???
Wouldn’t it be awesome if I was free of my parents?
If I was autonomous on my own two feet for the first time in my life???
I have a good friend who was born in a cult and had to figure out for himself how to get out of it. I find that very impressive. I see that my current situation is quite similar to what he must have experienced.
Everything that I have lived my life under for my whole life.
I ventured out a few times to ‘explore the world’ and then ‘had my face kicked in’ by the world a few times and then would return home with my tail between my legs. So I ended up feeling pretty discouraged about my own autonomy.
That’s more or less where I find myself today. I’m really happy that I’ve done all this actualism stuff and built a house (80% of a house?). That’s pretty neat. But my overall ambience is still pretty nervous. I know they’re ‘over’ me still.
Walking around, just waiting to be beaten by them. The interesting thing is I’m never sure when it’s coming. I remember having a really fun time of life and then they’d come in and attack me. They thought I was doing the wrong thing.
The wrong thing, that’s a funny one.
I suppose I should just do the exact same things as them
As if that was possible lmao
It’s literally impossible. This is amazing
–
Still not done. It has to be experienced. Freedom.
What is, awesome?
There can’t be anything more impressive than becoming free.
Building a rocket to mars is basic compared to becoming free.
Someone actually enjoying their life is unheard of in humanity.
That’s what I’m doing. Becoming free.
I’m sitting at a computer in the dark in the middle of winter in Alaska, unpacking and watching my own psyche to remove all obstacles to freedom.
Am… I … awesome???
My parents certainly aren’t going to stop me becoming free. They could lock me in the basement and I’d keep going.
It no longer matters if anyone else thinks I’m awesome. They don’t understand because they can’t understand. The actual is invisible to them.
It no longer matters if my parents are scared. They can’t understand either. They probably never will.
–
Ok… so going back to the initial fear that started all this
What if she hooks up with him because she thinks he’s awesome
Travel is neat. It’s interesting. It can be awesome. But it’s just not as awesome as becoming free. It’s nowhere close.
I’m on the edge of perfection now.
If she can’t see me, she can’t see me. That’s ok. That’s just where she is. She is attracted to what she is attracted to, because she is she.
I’m locked in now.
I’m gazing down at all humanity.
Living their fears
Chasing their desires
I want them to be happy. Most of them won’t be happy much. That’s what it is, to be a human. A struggle most days. A bit of happiness and harmlessness sprinkled in there. But just a sprinkle.
The passionate ones usually become deluded and/or dull.
Some people come across actualism, and discard it, not understanding the words their eyes are passing over.
And then there are a few people beavering away. Sometimes people ask me ‘how many actualists are there?’
Well, on the forum there are like 5 lol
There are definitely more out there that aren’t on the forum, but it’s still not many people. I would guess less than 100 that ‘get it’ or care enough to get anywhere with it.
I can’t imagine ‘getting it’ and not doing anything with it. People forget, though. I’ve almost forgotten a few times. But I haven’t. I’m here. It’s way too late to forget.
The last of the obstacles are dropping away. I’m not sure there are many more bigger than girls and family.
I know a lot of people whose greatest fear is the loss of friends and family. So to become free of those is big. Good work, Henry. The result of a lot of focused work. A lot of figuring-out. A ton of naivete and sincerity. That’s what I have done. It’s really wonderful. I’m really happy with and for myself.
What’s left to do? Are there any more objections?
Is there anything here that isn’t perfect?
My house is a bit messy. That’s ok, I can clean it. Right now, it’s messy. Maybe someone else wouldn’t like it but right now I don’t have to care.
I may have the long covid. That’s ok. It’s a fact of what’s happening. This is what I’m doing. Having the long covid doesn’t keep me from becoming free.
My partner may experience someone else as more attractive to her.
That’s still spicy for me.
Why does it bother me?
I’m still insecure about, ‘awesome.’
I’m not quite experientially all the way to ‘awesome.’
It’s still a bit too theoretical. I have to get there.
“my life is awesome and I do awesome stuff”
I’m still depending a bit on others for verification about ‘awesome.’ So it will never come. Or if it does it’s for something stupid
And I miss freedom because of that.
What happens if I’m not awesome to others?
They reject me.
So maybe it’s freedom = rejection. Worst-case scenario.
I’m already being rejected all the time. Is perfect happening now? No, but it’s because of ‘me.’
It’s not rejection preventing freedom, it’s me.
Because I’m bothered by the rejection.
I’ve been down this road a couple times but couldn’t finish the job before
I have the framework for not experiencing rejection: they are not in my sphere of influence. But I haven’t experientially completed it.
It’s interesting because the realization was so clear. There was the EE. But for whatever reason it didn’t fully wipe things out.
The good feelings don’t stick around. Like, I hang out with some people and say some stuff and they think it’s smart and maybe they think I’m hot and I feel good about it but then later I’m back to my baseline.
And then from my baseline I’m still down to fantasize about girls and by the same stroke be afraid of their rejection.
‘I’ keep coming back over and over and over.
It’s not possible to position any girl or girls in such a way that I don’t return to feeling bad. ‘Me’ is always still there. It actually doesn’t matter if I’m rejected or not rejected because I return all the same.
I’m always there.
I make others the objects of my fantasies and then get upset when they don’t play the role according to how I imagine it should go.
I have a whole fantasy-life I’m holding onto as if it will happen if only I hope hard enough
It’s never going to happen. Never, never, never ever.
What is happening is the actual world. And I’m still ignoring it. Even right now.
Why not jump in now?
The actual looks just enough like my fantasies that I keep the fantasies going. “Maybe I will still be able to get what I want.”
But they’re all generated from my or someone else’s memory/experience/imagination.
It will never happen that way again. It can’t.
Everything is a one-off.
Everything that happens is only now. The world is only happening now
That’s what the actual world is. This is it.
Pure sensorial.
Enjoying and appreciating this sensorial world, now.
The fantasy just doesn’t exist at all outside of my imagination.
And yet I’ve been invested up to this point living there / visiting it quite often. I guess the investment has been because I thought I could get it.
It just doesn’t work that way. The fantasy isn’t there
Living in my imagination, because I’m in sorrow, thus missing what’s actually happening.
That’s what I’ve been doing.
What is the sorrow there for?
To make me have sex and to make me be ‘pro-social.’
Wait, why is the sorrow there?
It seems to be unconsciously triggered by past memories of sorrow
The original sorrow was there instinctually but it has no useful role to play anymore in my life. It’s just happening out by habit now.
So the actualism (eatmoba) is there to remove all the sorrow. Because the unconscious is reset when I don’t feel the sorrow when the trigger occurs.
When there’s no sorrow there’s nothing there for me to do anymore.
Nowhere I have to go anymore.
I don’t have to ‘go over there’ to be happy or awesome or perfect anymore.
12|24|21
Everyone has their own little angle of what they want to happen and they’re pulling heartstrings in an attempt to force it to happen
I’m letting them pull my heartstrings, rather than do what’s sensible. Rather than living the best life.
Choosing that version of security, over and over. A life of bondage.
–
Something has definitely shifted, my freedom of movement is experientially more open now.
–
Time seems to have a social component for me, it’s what I use to make sure I’m ‘on schedule’ with everyone else. When I don’t care about being ‘on schedule,’ ‘on the same page’ with everyone else, time can drop away.
–
I’m used to being so tightly interfaced with others on the vibe-level that I have to be constantly sheep-dogging them to ensure that everyone is in the ‘right place.’ That’s what all the comforting is about. Similarly when I’m struggling then I run to them to be comforted by them. Really we’re all keeping eachother in humanity, where the suffering is.
All the little fantasies, adventures, heart-strings, suffering-tones.
I’m interested in the constant anxiety/sorrow-drone that ‘I’ am. That’s ‘my’ background.’
When I was in Ballina Richard said that the core of my unhappiness is being locked out of paradise (PCE). ‘I’ can’t live there, and I know it. That would explain why I don’t think I can be awesome, because I’ve tried over and over in different ways but it only lasts in short little times and then something ‘human’ boots me out.
And then the human alternative to ‘awesome,’ is lame, so then eventually ‘lame’ become entrenched.
It works out ok because at least I’m not so prideful to never admit that anything is wrong. I found a journal entry from 2015, when all this really began for me. There was a poem that referenced a PCE, and a couple pages later a checklist that included: “research therapy.”
I knew I had a problem. And that’s what got me here. I’m happy about that.
So ‘lame’ has been my bedrock to make progress. And now it’s all that’s left. ‘Lame.’
It doesn’t even matter what I accomplish anymore, I can transform it into ‘lame.’
I was lucky enough to go on a sailing adventure for the month of May, and I still feel lame. I had some incredible sex like 2 hours ago and I still get to feel lame. I’ve written a poetry book. I know a bunch of stuff. I don’t experience hardly any social anxiety anymore. I don’t know if there’s anyone I’m afraid of still. I’m working the chillest job in history and living in a house that I built of my own design and with my own hands. And still: lame. It’s kind of impressive
Oh and I happened across the method to uncover the meaning of life.
How the fuck is that lame
It’s not lame, it’s me that’s lame
The ‘lame’ is what’s in the way of perfection
Just cruising along in ‘lame…’
From urbandictionary:
“Adjective used to describe someone who is boring, uncool, or just sucks in general.”
Boring! Uncool! Just sucks in general!
Yup, that’s me!
Ok, where’s perfection at
Well. The fantasy doesn’t exist. All that’s happening is this. So. Where is ‘lame?’
‘Lame’ is just ‘me.’
When am ‘I’ happening? Where is ‘me?’
‘Me’ is the passionately-generated being. ‘I’ am happening because emotion is happening; emotion is happening because ‘I’ am happening. I am the feeler. I’m at the abyss. The door is there.
Everything is super bright/shiny right now. It’s the actual shining through my vision.
Not much ‘lame’ happening right now. But it is there. No fantasy there.
I am perfect, it is perfect, he is perfect, she is perfect.
“Adjective used to describe someone who is boring, uncool, or just sucks in general.”
‘Boring’ is a good tell here because ‘boring’ is ‘me’ tuning-out.
‘I’ tune out when I don’t like what’s happening / am afraid of what’s happening. So sometimes someone will tune me (or whoever) out when they decide that I’m a waste of time aka not getting them ‘where they want to go’… in other words… I don’t match their fantasy.
Which like. Of course. It’s actually more trouble if I DO match their fantasy!
They’re not looking at me really, they’re looking at their little fantasy ‘cue card’ and then looking over at me squinting like, “does this line up” but they’re chasing a delusion. There isn’t any fantasy, it straight up doesn’t exist.
And they’re missing the actual human standing in front of them.
So boring isn’t really a status, it’s a reaction that people have. There are some people that a lot of people experience as ‘boring,’ and then everyone is like ‘ya that guy is a bore’ but really they’re all just having the same rejection-experience.
It’s the same thing with ‘crazy,’ ‘that guy is crazy.’
Ok. I can live with that. It sorts things out.
I don’t have to get their approval to not be lame. Their approval isn’t connected to anything actual.
But I still think I’m lame. Because I keep feeling sad-lame.
Actually I can respond to ‘uncool’ now, because by not being afraid of others anymore (thanks to yesterday’s exploration around my parents - my ultimate authority), I don’t have to keep being chickenshit. I can catch that and cut it off immediately. Boom, I’m cool now. Problem solved.
“Just sucks in general”
That’s my feeling about life
Tbh I’m seeing the shortcomings of my approach to actualism, basically riding around the countryside chopping the head off whatever my biggest objection is at that moment. This has worked very well for reducing the amount of ‘big suffering,’ but it hasn’t necessarily moved up my day-to-day baseline, which I can now clearly see does not weaken that background suffering which verifies that ‘life just sucks in general.’
So that’s what I have to do now, just be in the best mood I can because that’s what rewrites all the unconscious feeling-memories that are really driving ‘everything sucks.’ At this point it’s not really about any particular objection, it’s just an overall tone about life. And it’s very weak. It’s like weak tea. It’s weak because of the work I’ve done removing objections, so I’m happy about that still.
I suppose it was always going to go this direction because of the intellectual ‘entrance’ I made into actualism. That’s good though. Now I’m here. Time to finish off the ‘feeler.’
I got a rush of adrenaline typing that. It’s the final boss, and it doesn’t get to be on the stage I’m used to (“smart”). It’s like playing through a video game, getting super good at the combos weapons movement mechanics throughout the whole game, and then I get to the final boss and all the mechanics, all the inputs are different now, none of the weapons are familiar. But I’m ready in a different way. It’s obvious what’s left to do, which has only happened because of all the other work that’s been done.
It’s not like it’s totally unfamiliar. But it is not happening on the intellectual level anymore.
‘The brain has multiple memory systems (…) explicit (conscious) memories mediated by the hippocampus and other aspects of the temporal lobe memory system [and] implicit (unconscious) memories mediated by the amygdala and its neural connections. Only by taking these systems apart in the brain have neuroscientists been able to figure out that these are different kinds of memory, rather than one memory with multiple forms of expression (…) it has been possible, through studies of experimental animals, to map out in great detail just how the fear system of the brain works. Although much of the research has involved laboratory rats, there have also been studies of a variety of other mammals. Remarkably, the results in all these species lead to the same conclusion. Learning and responding to stimuli that warn of danger involves neural pathways that send information about the outside world to the amygdala, which determines the significance of the stimulus and triggers emotional responses, like freezing or fleeing, as well changes in the inner workings of the body’s organs and glands. (Henry note: this explains the connection of emotions to body-feelings/chakras) There is also evidence that the amygdala of reptiles and birds has similar functions. The implication of these findings is that early on (perhaps since dinosaurs ruled the earth, or even before) evolution hit upon a way of wiring the brain to produce responses that are likely to keep the organism alive in dangerous situations. The solution was so effective that it has not been messed with much, and works pretty much the same in rats and people, as well as many if not all other vertebrate animals. Evolution seems to have gone with an ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ rule when it comes to the fear system of the brain (…) research into the brain mechanisms of fear help us understand why emotional conditions are so hard to control. Neuro-anatomists have shown that the pathways that connect the emotional processing system of fear, the amygdala, with the thinking brain, the neocortex, are not symmetrical – the connections from the cortex to the amygdala are considerably weaker than those from the amygdala to the cortex. This may explain why, once an emotion is aroused, it is so hard for us to turn it off at will’.
It’s like finding the rosetta stone. Just like that everything makes sense. Of course, LeDoux and co. couldn’t have ever guessed that one could delete that system through a purposeful psychodynamic approach.
It makes perfect sense in the end that it took a naive ‘boy from the farm’ to bust out into freedom. If Richard was too wise, he would have known better than to think he could become free.
And of course Henry is far too lame to ever become free… that is for uh… how do I categorize the free people anyway…
Weirdly, I seem to categorize them as a bit lame too… they’re like these nerds. They’re obviously not impressive in the way a celebrity tends to be impressive.
That explains why I’ve been not quite headed toward true north. I’m distracted by charisma.
Ok, nothing for it but to dig into charisma.
Charismatic people get attention and sex. They get what they want in situations. That’s what I want… “what I want.”
Just another asshole. That’s what that is. One more Genghis Khan, subduing the world under his heel (and sleeping with its women).
It’s the caring that keeps me from Khaning.
It’s not worth it anymore for me to ‘take’ from others all the time. That’s the outcome of charisma: I am powerful, I get what I want, and they chase me. I want them to be happy too. Me being charismatic means they don’t get to. I’m cool, they’re not. I’m awesome, they’re lame.
They’ll probably keep feeling lame a lot anyway, but it doesn’t help matters for me to keep confirming it to them.
Everyone can be free. It’s for everyone. I can be free.
‘Charisma’ is preventing freedom for them, AND for me.
It reminds me, I have a friend whose ‘home frequency’ is, “hot” as in, “lusty.”
So for her, “hot” is preventing freedom for her and for others.
For me, it’s charisma. I want to flex power on everyone.
Sex is one obvious reason why. Actually I can knock that one out right now: I don’t have more or better sex when charisma is flying around. I scare the other. It doesn’t make for a delightful time in the sack. Over time it gets worse and worse. I am DONE with that.
It would be really funny if that realization made me free. Sounds right somehow.
The other aspect is defensive:
If I’m charismatic, I’m ‘winning’ every interaction, which means I’m not ‘losing’ every interaction, which means I’m not experiencing ‘Shook’, ‘chickenshit,’ ‘weak,’ ‘pathetic,’ ‘loser,’ ‘lame.’ I’m a winner (obviously). But I am hurting the other. If I’m winning the interaction, they are all the above. I even saw it on my Dad’s face the other night. I found his weak spot and went for the neck in an instant of anger. It was only a flash but it was enough.
That’s why I’ve been an edgelord, I want to kill them (energetically) before they kill me. That’s been more or less my energetic home base ever since I was having tons of PCEs (before actualism) in the end of 2016. I would take huge weed edibles and wander around in a PCE for a couple of days. This repeated for about a month.
Somewhere in there someone punctured my naivete, and I moved into ‘edgelord’ as a defense.
It was almost definitely my father. I can feel the energetic memory.
And then I directed that same edgelord at any other man that I got into an extended discussion with. If I could scare them, then I was winning.
Kill them before they kill me.
If I’m unkillable (as in, they destroy my fantasy, sending me into the abyss of sorrow) because I don’t even have a fantasy I’m dependent on, then there’s no need for the edgelord anymore.
The main thing I care about at this stage is becoming free.
If this or that girl rejects me, I’m ok. I know this because it has happened and I’m ok right now. ‘Awesome’ is no longer inaccessible for me.
The only remaining fantasy is ‘charisma,’ but I’m sinking that one right now.
They can’t sink ‘freedom’ because it can’t be disproved. And I’m too obsessed to be shot down at this stage. Several people have tried recently and it only slowed me down for a few minutes at most.
People must be able to see some change in me, because more people have been trying to ‘intercept’ me.
It’s because I’ve been more bold with my words. “Ya I’m going to become free. It’s the only way things can go at this point”
And then they’re like “ah fuck”
“He’s going crazy” lmao
Little do they know I’m pretty unbothered by that
What a funny situation
So yeah that’s what happened back in January 2017, my Dad managed to shoot me down on the energetic paradigm and I’ve been carrying that ever since… though, luckily continuing actualism from behind the hastily-constructed palisade walls of ‘edgelord.’
Thank you, edgelord! You’ve done well, you can finally retire.
I’m literally wearing a black hoodie with a skull on it so this is all especially on the nose/obvious/hilarious
A glyph to protect me from others. A psychic wall of protection.
Ok, I’m dancing around the main topic rn. Back to it.
PCEs exist. I’ve SEENT it.
That’s where the naivete comes from: “hey so uhhh this is a thing”
It’s not about the words they throw at me, it’s about the felt moment of fear itself.
They communicate: “you are not safe”
And ‘I’ respond: “I am not safe”
It’s hypnotic really
And it further trains/reifies my ‘being:’
“Everything sucks”
Thus meaning:
“I suck”
Thus meaning:
“I am lame / my life is lame / life is lame”
And I used charisma as the way out. Past that now though.
So now it’s “naive/perfect/happy/harmless” again. Which is what I was experiencing in the end of 2016/the beginning of 2017, before the psychic wound/control was inflicted/internalized.
So the source is, “am I safe”
In the actual there is safety. Nothing can go wrong.
In ‘nothing can go wrong,’ there is no, ‘lame,’ which is my core frequency as a being.
Nothing can go wrong.
I was here a couple weeks ago and then my partner came into town and I went down in flames (somewhat) for a bit. It was very up & down. But very very instructive. I used it with a ton of efficiency to be honest. Not much affective energy wasted. Good work, Henry. Can thank naivete for that. And the intelligence which can clearly see that actualism is working.
–
I still feel threatened by, ‘rival.’
That would be my Dad as well as other men looking for female attention.
Still seeing-experiencing everything through winning & losing, where ‘winning’ is embrace, sex, gazing into one another’s eyes, and ‘losing’ is uhhh “literally any other outcome.”
I know that they’d kill me if they could. I know that that’s what the being really wants. Kill everyone between me and love. That’s inside of me.
I guess I find that scary! Haha
This just in: “Local Man Finds Being Murdered Scary”
Reminds me of on the sailing trip I got into an energetic bust-up with another man and I could see the violence just under the surface
People kill for not much when the mind is in the place for it
Love is a famous motivator for it. Kind of mind-blowing that people are blind to the relationship there.
Must be willful.
Ok, I definitely don’t want to be murdered.
It has to do with how seductive the fantasy is
If I’m so attracted to the sexual love-fantasy that I sleep-walk into a situation where someone murders me, it’s because I was equally blinded by love-sex as the murderer is.
I can read the situation well enough to recognize when that is coming.
Just like I can recognize when someone else is getting manipulative with me. I know I don’t have to be controlled by that.
I still want to ‘get mine.’
Which is to say, I’ll clearly still happily sleep-walk into such a situation if sex was at the end of the tunnel. AND, I’m clearly comfortable with bumping someone else off if I feel threatened enough. As demonstrated by the fact that my imagination goes right there. It’s in my fear-fantasy.
There are two different things happening here: an archetypal fantasy/fear-situation, and the sensible-actual approach to a situation where another being is scared of losing something and potentially could commit violence.
In the archetypal situation, the outcomes are always a winner and a loser, with the extreme ending in death.
In the actual we still have a bunch of being-motivated humans running around.
I can be free of the archetype though. The closest thing is like Tom Bombadil or something. He can be a placeholder.
It’s probably impossible to murder Tom Bombadil. Actually I can imagine it. Sort of like the ending of Princess Mononoke.
We’re talking about the actual here, though.
Ok, speaking straightforwardly, someone could indeed murder me. I have a physically beating heart with physical blood which can be physically spilled.
As such, I can indeed be physically murdered by a jealous rival.
There’s nothing I can do that can alter this fact.
But I am pretty sure that it’s unlikely to happen when I’m existing happily + harmlessly.
And it is more likely to happen when I jump into a jealous/controlling interplay.
A psychodynamic battle.
Basically The Iliad
I took a class in college on violence that was centered on The Iliad.
We took the class in concert with the local prison, actually we met in the prison and half the class were prisoners.
Some of them were in for life, for murder.
So it was less academic than usual.
They reported the nature of violence being madness… they’re not even sure what happened. Basically this:
Neuro-anatomists have shown that the pathways that connect the emotional processing system of fear, the amygdala, with the thinking brain, the neocortex, are not symmetrical – the connections from the cortex to the amygdala are considerably weaker than those from the amygdala to the cortex. This may explain why, once an emotion is aroused, it is so hard for us to turn it off at will’
Suffering.
That’s confirmed in the way the Iliad talks about violence, too. There’s tons of retribution, it keeps escalating.
It starts as a fight over a pretty girl, too.
Same as it ever was.
–
If I’m not playing that game, I can’t lose. I can’t be a loser.
If I’m not adding to the equation, because I have nothing to gain and nothing to lose, then the odds of being murdered are very low, because I’m contributing nothing to the psychic inter-play.
I am no-one’s enemy.
There is nothing to desire.
–
I told my parents that it was a bit funny that they were worried about me because I’m just chilling, and my dad said, “that’s why we’re worried about you.”
A human is not supposed to be happy, harmless, naive. It’s considered unsafe, fool-hardy.
I suppose for most of history that has been accurate: no one had ever become free, so by and large being happy harmless and naive later led to greater heartbreak.
Well, that’s the gamble I’m making.
So far there have indeed waves, but that is all in the road-map. No surprise there, and nothing I can’t handle.
I’ve become essentially adept at spotting my feelings happening, intercepting when necessary, getting back to feeling good, analyzing, and successfully actually removing the trigger. That’s become consistent & even easy. I have the same satisfaction doing it as I get when I dribble a soccer ball: the satisfaction of knowing what I am doing. The satisfaction of an expected input resulting in an expected outcome.
There are surprises too, but they are delightful surprises.
And there are obstacles, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. That’s where my interest is, now.
All this is to say: I see that they are concerned, but it’s nothing that can dissuade-discourage me.
The psychic bonds are done. There may be a return of feeling, but the necessary damage has been done.
–
What remains?
Love is still there. Fear of loss is still there.
There’s a bigger thing happening here.
I have a great time with a girl and I fall in love.
I want to have that great time all the time.
Ok, why not have that great time all the time?
I think she’s a necessary ingredient.
I know intellectually that that isn’t true but it has to be deeper.
I’ve had a quite wonderful few months, during which time for the most part there hasn’t been much female attention.
I think I’ve still been imagining myself to be ‘in relationship’ though which means my belief is that I’m ‘under her umbrella’ somehow, so the belief maintains: “I’m with her.”
So I can attach that good time to her.
That, ‘under her umbrella’ is obviously a belief.
In actuality I’m just there.
Just as right now in actuality I’m just sitting here physically alone in this house.
I don’t even know for sure if she’s alive or dead.
That pretty much takes care of rejection for me, right now.
Something about ‘leaving me for rival’ still drives me nuts for some reason though.
“She is choosing him”
“He’s having sex with her and I am not”
“They are up into the night talking and talking and I am not”
“They are having powerful mind-blowing experiences together and I am not”
They all seem to lean on the “I am not” aspect.
Really “I am not” implies: “I am having a bad time”
Which is ‘my’ background whenever I am not in the fantasy (“A fantas-tic time”).
The negative charge.
I can beat this right now using imagination-memory & resetting my vibe to ‘perfect.’
I have some perfect cheetos and am becoming free of the human condition in the woods in the wintertime in Alaska. Perfect.
I want for her to be able to connect with others for the same reason that I want to be able to connect with others: because it is wonderful to be able to do that.
So they aren’t ‘rivals,’ they are ‘other living humans.’
The world is a surface that we can wander. I can wander, she can wander, everyone can wander.
Sex is just one such wandering.
I am in a dream
I have one foot in and one foot out
I want for her to be free. None of this exists in the actual world. None of it
Talking late into the night is one such wandering.
There is no such thing as a rival
There is no such thing as a lover
A ‘lavir’
A ‘revol’
It doesn’t matter. It’s not there.
She can be free. And I can be free. Right now.
It starts with this freedom: there are no roles.
There is no relating.
There is no identity.
We do actions.
We exist.
There are no offenses.
We do what is sensible.
My clarity is profound.
‘Profound’ is a belief.
Her freedom is my freedom
The freedom I ‘give her’ is the freedom I give myself
What I do, is not make her more afraid.
I do not give her false constraints.
I do not psychically bind her.
–
The only thing making me not-free is me.
I have no more excuses. No one else I can blame it on.
Nothing else to be removed but me.
I’m so thin right now
(Cont.)
–
It wasn’t my Dad who scared me back into ‘safety’ in 2017. I did it to myself. I got scared of death.
I was using edibles to get PCEs and I became afraid of their side-effects.
Memory interruption/disruption.
I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to make it in the world if my memory was disrupted too much.
I’ve dabbled with drugs a bit since then but there’s always been a bit of fear involved. And the overall fear has made PCEs a bit less accessible as a memory or as something I can get to.
It may be that the different way time is experienced in PCE, ‘I’ take as a threat, as in ‘something is wrong with my memory,’ as in ‘I won’t be able to make it in the world.’
When I was very young I’d wander around my neighborhood, have a great time, lose track of time, and then my parents would get upset with me for being late back home.
It’s a very old conditioning.
Today it’s one of my big fears / anxieties too, being late to things or if someone else is ‘late’ I take it as this offense.
Obviously making it to things at an agreed-upon time is just useful, but there is definitely something to uncover here in terms of fear.
I don’t need to jettison all memory in order to become free.
Obviously the free people are doing just fine operating in the world.
The world without time.
There is no time, but our physical bodies do exist.
But I can detect what my physical body wants apperceptively/sensorially. I don’t need memory or time to do that.
I can notice the effects of drugs and alter my behavior accordingly via observation-apperception.
There doesn’t have to be fear there for that process to take place intelligently.
I remember I became afraid that I was damaging my kidneys
I went to a doctor and they said my kidneys were fine but that my iron levels were low. So I took iron supplements for a little while.
It does seem that marijuana is implicated with anemia. And with electrolytic disturbances, which explains some other things.
Our data suggested that chronic use of cannabinoids can lead to deterioration of hematopoietic cells. Chronic use of cannabinoids was consistent with subthreshold/subclinical megaloblastic anemia with iron deficiency. Inflammatory cells, especially neutrophil and monocyte counts were higher in SG compared to CG. Thus, recovery of subclinical hematological parameters should be considered in cannabis use disorder patients.
So it seems my concerns were not unfounded.
The difference is that now I’m not leaning on weed.
So the fear-memory is still there, still returning in relation to the PCEs, even with the weed absent from my life.
Simple prescription: get back to ‘perfect,’ as a start. Then re-approach.
There is nothing in a PCE that threatens my health.
If anything it’s one of the absolute most health-ful things I can do, considering the detrimental effects of stress.
–
This fear lives inside the larger fear: my eventual death.
I have been holding my thanatophobia at a distance for a couple years now, with a belief that I had overcome it. It’s clear to me that it was only a partial removal, with the belief protecting me from approaching it again for a time.
Death is a fact that will happen one day. No amount of squirming changes that, so it’s for the best to become free of the fear.
I think downplaying sex or any pleasurable experience doesn’t work. The fact that our mind thinks them testifies that our being felt them pleasurable and therefore want them again.
But when there is no desire, there’ll be no yearning and no need to rationalise.
Just like when we are not craving our favourite food, we are bleh about it. And the desire is caused by the “self”. So thinning out self will automatically lead to losing desire and the perfection of the present pulls us back into itself. So more pces is the best possible antidote to any yearning. And of course, it helps plenty to see things like:
Seeing that no number of orgasms is helping me become free.
Desiring sex and finding relief in it is only perpetuating the cycle. So it’s better to see the stressors that I time and again wanting to be relieved from.
Lust is nothing but the beginning orgasm. And no lust can stop without culminating in organism, although the arc of orgasm can spread over many days. So lust itself is useless because on top of it failing to help me become free, it is keeping me in the same cycle.
Cultural conditioning that went to the pleasure of sex on top of the actual pleasure of sex.
Emotions that seem to accentuate and heighten the pleasure of sex on top of the actual pleasure of sex.
How emotions spoil the pristine feeling of having sex.
How the stress that builds up tends to increase the salve after orgasm. So the problem is stress or its cousins.
How there’s an addiction associated with any pleasure that we yearn, just that only few are socially condemned. Dopamine surge from heroin and the consequent craving for it is NOT fine, but dopamine surge from sex and orgasm and the consequent craving for it is natural just because most believe so? Doesn’t it look somewhat fishy?
@henryyyyyyyyyy I am not sure that charisma itself is at fault in selfishness.
As an ex “charismatic Christian”, (that’s a real thing if you otherwise didn’t know), Charisma literally translates to being a “favour or gift”.
" In English, charisma has been used in Christian contexts since the mid-1500s to refer to a gift or power bestowed upon an individual by the Holy Spirit for the good of the Church, a sense that is now very rare." Charisma Definition & Meaning - Merriam-Webster
Charisma is the ability to, in most situations, make people feel good. One gives the feeling of feeling good.
Of course, the sting in the tail is the sales spin that then follows. Essentially, i made you feel good, now buy this; “insert anything here".
I’m not experiencing any downplaying, if anything I had a mind-blowing sexual experience yesterday and can clearly see that it is an incredible sensory experience. What I am trying to become free of is my desire for sex, my desire for pleasure, which is different.
I can appreciate sexuality purely in the moment AND avoid going into dissociative fantasies about sex during times when I am not having sex.
Agreed.
I disagree. Sex is possible beginning in a PCE, developing during a PCE, and ending during a PCE. Lust is not an essential ingredient of orgasm. I have experienced lust-less sex and it’s far more enjoyable than the lustful/normal version.
I can see the connections between what you’re describing about stress and its cousins. There are a ton of cultural and animal layers that all confirm, SEX = YES
And I agree completely about the highly addictive cocktail that sex/love/sex-love all involve. I’ve been having loads of significant and increasingly-obvious views of the pernicious effects of same, both on me and on others who I care deeply for. I can see it in everyone and in me. I’ll likely write about it in my next journal entry.
I’m inching toward being done, but so far I can see that I’ve been pushing myself a bit too fast as well and I’m needing a more direct-experiential route. Slowing down somewhat over the last 18 hours has helped me. But that’s something that’s changing all the time.
I can say this: connecting directly/intensely with CARE as an emphasis with my partner has illuminated a ton of things, including the above observed pernicious-outcomes-of-love.
It’s exciting times for me, and for her. I’m speaking with her almost every day about all these observations, and mutual sweetness has been increasing (almost) steadily.
@Andrew Yeah I think charisma can make sense as a temporary motivator (let me put it this way: my partner, a twenty-something attractive girl, has said that Richard, a seventy-something man, can ‘get it’), but in terms of crossing the finish line it becomes a dead-end.
I can connect a few dots here.
Becoming free is about feeling good, not about good feelings (lots more about this on the AFT which I can’t track down rn)
The moment that Richard re-starts his search for freedom after being enlightened for 11(?) years was because a woman came to him and was begging him to be his follower, a system which Richard had always found ‘sus.’ He realized that he was ‘putting out’ something which led to others organically desiring to be controlled by him. What he was ‘putting out’ was love & compassion…. He had ultimate charisma, a characteristic shared by all enlightened beings.
So what I can see is, the charismatic individual is using emotion to make the other experience emotion which has an inherently seductive-manipulative character… completely antithetical to freedom. For my freedom (I am clearly wanting something emotional if I’m manipulating others) and even more obviously, their freedom.
Going back to the top (temporary motivator) I have found charisma a seductress, I suppose because I want things (love-sex, money, etc) and I am aware that charismatic folk can get things. It just so happens that that way-of-getting is inherently manipulative, and requires two un-free beings: Me, and the other.
And I have these obnoxious PCEs and pure intent that just won’t shut up about what’s possible!!!
12|29|21
Ok… what’s up?
An interesting few days…
Intentionally put myself in direct line-of-sight and close-range of my partner canoodling with another man with whom she has been sharing increasingly intimate relations over the last several weeks.
This experience I found at the time quite traumatic… it had the character of being hit over and over by waves larger than I could handle… each time trying to gasp for breath and being hit by the next wave before I had properly breathed in… and inhaling sea-water, to boot.
I told them that I was experiencing those waves because I was a bit concerned about over-traumatizing myself (idk what the ‘correct approach’ is here (?) but that’s what I did / what I was ready for, and they received it well and the next day we were able to eventually have a direct conversation about the experience.
I can’t say I’m 100% clear since then or that I’ve remotely ‘figured it out’ but it did make it stark-clear the emotions that I’m experiencing with jealousy-possession-love.
The overpowering strength of them is apparent.
Putting myself in that intense-polarizing situation served me as it cast the emotion into exceptionally sharp-obvious relief. Looking back I am glad that I didn’t fully spiral into out-of-control traumatic compartmentalization.
Hm…. I may be fooling myself with that somewhat… “I am in control.”
No matter. That is where I am now.
In any case, the next day hiking back from camping (all of this occurred at a cabin in the woods… just the three of us!), it became clear that what I was afraid of was, ‘being locked out of sweetness.’
I associate making out / female company / love with sweetness, so in other words as long as I ‘possess her’ / there are only situations where she is canoodling with me / staring deeply into my eyes etc. then I like it, but when that is threatened then I VERY DON’T like it.
There is also hypocrisy in this that I can see, which is that when she DOES do all those things with me for a little while, then I just start desiring all of the above with some other woman: she is obviously not enough.
The being just wants more… and when it’s threatened then, it’s, well, a threat.
But this observation gave me something obvious to look for: sweetness.
OBVIOUSLY, she is not the only source of sweetness. I have had many of PCEs, most of which were in my own company with no woman present. So it’s just a question of bringing that home to ‘me.’ I can increase the sweetness of any non-partner situation, reduce the fantasization of love-situations, and continue to cultivate sweetness in her presence as well - making it unconditional.
This is my mission at the moment.
I won’t get into details with this but later that same day her and I had a very bumpy conversation which further verified the strength of all the possessive-jealous-love emotions, the effect they have on her, as well as the strength of the overall emotional dynamic/whirl-pool that we create together.
I’m happy to say that both my motivation and the way forward in this issue are very obvious at this juncture.
I can see: ‘I’ REALLY LIKE that moment where she is gazing into my eyes with a look of deep love.
And that that ‘REALLY LIKE’ creates the whole rest of the mess.
And that that ‘REALLY LIKE’ only comes because of the misery that my daily life consists of and ‘me’ trying to escape into the arms of the beloved.
Where… I imagine that I will simply melt into her arms and stay there forever and ever and ever and it will just be so great.
So long as she or I don’t get antsy/big-headed and decide that maybe someone else’s arms sound more appealing lmao. Which is… only a matter of time really. Especially when you consider that we’re two young humans.
Sweetness: it is always. Even when people are being pretty silly.
One other thing: I do think that she and this man were being pretty careless with me, knowing that I was sensitive about that situation. But it is human. It’s not a surprise. I’m certainly being silly about a lot of things.
It’s interesting to consider, ‘what I accept / what I don’t accept.’
What I can do is, make sweetness unconditional. Then I don’t have to ‘sell out’ for those love-situations anymore. I can see that I do it, over and over. The internet has a word for it, ‘simping.’ I simp.
And it doesn’t work. She still goes her own way. Sigh sigh sigh. Sweetness.
Usually it’s ‘how can I move the target so I can still get what I want / get a sliver of what I want,’ ‘how can I manipulate her somehow.’
Anyway, enough theorizing for now. Just have to live the sweet perfection that this moment consists of.
This theme of sweetness got me to thinking of what exactly brings about that profound feeling. The context of love that you experience it in, specifically when you are in the intimate company of your partner, reminded me of those occasions in my life where I felt that same supreme sweetness. I recall experiencing it many years ago when intimately interacting with the girl I loved – adored, really – and who loved me. It was sweet intoxication. I love her dearly to this day although our lives long ago went in different directions.
Looking at it again, the sweetness resulted from the union we manifested. So the sweetness that pervades when making out, embracing, gazing into each other’s eyes, etc, is the result of no longer experiencing yourself as being a separate person. It comes from losing yourself, dissolving your individuality, in her:
Ordinarily we instinctually and reflexively draw a boundary between ourself and not-ourself. As you melt into her arms you are no longer individuated, no longer self. And how sweet it is.
As you’ve realized it’s challenging to stay dissolved in that sweet bath of intimacy with another human. Life pulls you apart from each other. Separated again. You are once more a distinct entity. Is there a more dependable and direct way of bringing about the sweetness of dissolution than either love or fentanyl?
I feel a sweetness as the universe gently draws closer to me, like to a lover’s kiss. Can all that you are melt into the universe? Afterall, the universe is already thinking all your thoughts. It sees everything that you see. It is very, very close.
Thank you for sharing your life experiences with us here.
Thank you for this, @rick.
It came at the right time and I experienced it as ‘flanking’ me, as in ‘from an unexpected angle.’ I have emphasized the ‘autonomy’ aspect of freedom to such a degree… it has been one of the main attributes ‘I’ took away from my past PCEs. And I have been missing the depth of the intimacy that is there.
Of course you are right. The dissolution of self is intimacy. Dissolving into closeness with the other is freedom.
All I’m experiencing is a crystallization into ‘love’ rather than the full-monty intimacy.
We are all alive here on this earth at this moment and only this moment. It is not to be missed. Any boundary, any distance, is to miss it.
(cross-post)
12|30|21
Tracking sweetness
Placing sweetness and perfection together as the emphases of my current actualism practice.
Sweet intimacy is suddenly open to me as a ‘passage,’ for the first time since 2015, thanks to recent investigations and catalyzed by Rick’s comment.
It has the character of, “I have discovered a room in my house which I had forgotten was there.’
I have been closed off from it because of associating it with love (re-translated by ‘me’ in an “Actualist-moralistic” way), and because of past traumatic experiences (going back to late 2015 and 2016) which resulted in a psychic ‘barrow’ being established to protect ‘me’ from being harmed by the bad feelings.
I was about to type out a very short version of the events of 2015-2016, but I’m realizing that if I am to get into this, it must be done slowly and sweetly. There is no rush. As Vineeto said… we have all the time in the world…
The last time I passed out, (as in, physically passed out) it was because someone reminded me of when I lived in Seattle, when the above events occurred (and subsequent psychic barrows were built out of necessity).
This requires careful archaeological work… a stomach of vibranium (shout-out to @Srinath … the sci-fi references strike again)… and the necessary tool-kit to permanently dismantle a demon.
The excitement of this moment finally arriving is providing the requisite enjoyment & appreciation: there are perfection and sweetness both here.
I’m not sure how much I will be able to type so this may be confusing for readers. No matter.
Following the loss of love and associated loss of connection to sweetness in early 2016, I did SOMETHING to protect myself.
I developed a new identity as a poet as a way of processing the trauma… I remember it started out as, ‘what do I like doing?’ and I wrote a poem. It was sweet. And it didn’t take long for the poems to be about the trauma itself.
By coincidence(?) last night I read the poem which hit at the deepest point of investigation (over a year later) I’ll paste it here.
As I’m searching for the relevant poem I’m scrolling through all the others I wrote during that 2 year period. There was a tremendous amount of flowing psychical energy and barrenness. So much life. I had no idea what I was doing but I was alive.
Waking every morning
Waking every morning with the sour aftertaste of the life I should be living in my mouth
Where are you? What part of me
isn’t good enough for it
I’m left lying with the glow of your recent presence in my dream
before the sun burns it away.
What is the heart but a wound? And if I sail out
to the middle of the sea will it still tune to you every night?
My body drawn up through the ceiling straight across the ocean at great speed
to you,
greeted every time with the warmth of
The only true thing in the world.In the day I can almost forget that
the most inner part of me is made of yearning,
a hungry flying swallow turning
in the sky, its split tails casting an invisible wake I’m left following.
But at night I am a thing of flight, finding my brilliant way
through the keyholes in between us to a place
that I have known of for so long. I feel often that
it is the place where I lived when I slept in
the womb of my mother, waiting but in many ways
already there.
And not beginning to suspect that
I’d spend the rest of my waking life fighting my way back howling
for someone to hear and set things straight again, knowing both that no one will understand and
that this is the only language for it.Where are you?
The most tender thrumming piece of me walks the streets while I sleep, piecing constellations into stories night-traffic only a tear of light in the dark and I’m aloft, crossing the great black wildernesses of this world.
If I could lay my head against your chest again
and sleep,
what dreams would there be left to dream?
This encapsulates where I wound up.
And actually on the night when my current partner and I ‘fell in love,’(2018) I read this same poem to her and the other friends present. The sorrow and love - and sweetness - of the poem attracted her and them.
Not long after I wrote the poem (end of summer 2017) was the darkest period I have ever experienced. It had the character of, ‘nowhere to go.’ Nowhere in reality was safe. I saw no way out. That’s when I began to have many PCEs.
Somewhere in all of this the barrows were developed.
What did they consist of?
Protection from the memories of sweetness
Because the rememoration was painful for me.
Because I was unhappy. Very unhappy
Because I felt cut-off from the sweetness.
The same cut-off sensation I experienced the other night at the cabin.
‘I’ can’t have sweetness (I tell myself) because I am being excluded / because she doesn’t like me / because they don’t like me / because I am not being embraced / because she is not looking into my eyes / because she is not “looking into my eyes correctly” / because she is the wrong girl for me.
What Richard told me was: ‘I’ am forever sorrowful because ‘I’ am forever locked out of paradise. ‘I’ cannot come, and on some level ‘I’ know it.
I seem to think that it’s the lover’s arms (the right lover’s arms) (In the right situation) is the sweetness, is the paradise, is the perfection. Because it happened that way. I was there. But it wasn’t all those things, it was that I wasn’t there. I wasn’t in the way.
There was no longer a barrier.
So the barrows I later constructed to protect me from the pain of rememoration have become another barrier.
The last years have been distanced because of that.
It’s ok to remember because I’m not locked out of heaven anymore. [edit: ‘I’ am, but the opportunity to be free is there] I can be free, if only I step down. It’s right there as an option now.
It’s not about the girl, it’s that those were the conditions that ‘I’ needed to step out of the way
There is pain here. Sweet pain.
I’ve never been 100% with my current partner because of this.
Sometimes there have been PCEs but not during intimacy/sex.
I could only get to a certain point and then it would stop. The intimacy would be cut off every time. That is clear.
This explains why I took ‘autonomy’ from my PCEs moreso than sweetness/intimacy. I couldn’t even approach intimacy.
Our entire ‘relationship’ has been built on ‘mutual autonomy’ at the exclusion of intimacy-sweetness.
Any intimacy-sweetness was in SPITE of me… the sweetness of the universe was sufficient to push through at times. But it would always be cut off before it could do much.
I’m receiving a rush of distant memories, always a sign of territory I haven’t been to in a long time. That is very encouraging.
Actually liking life. Actually savoring the taste of the sensations.
I’ve been so intellectual, this is your regularly scheduled reminder that enjoying & appreciating this moment of being alive is IT, everything else is far less necessary. Enjoying & appreciating drives everything.
I was ready for a drag-out fight with a demon, but all there was was a low, sorrowful howl. Sweet-sorrow. So much pain there.
I thought that I could just attract another woman and ‘run it again’ and that that would work out.
I was critical when I only had little glimpses of sweetness with the next girl. Then the same pain started again. That’s why it ended with her. It ‘wasn’t enough’
I still thought I needed a girl somehow
That’s the belief/reality part
I had already been looking for a girl since a long time before any of this.
I blocked off sweetness when I couldn’t sustain it with the girl(s).
I thought it didn’t exist outside of them and I was heartbroken.
And in the heartbreak I developed the ‘barrow’ / psychic-seal to prevent immanence/rememoration of the sweetness itself
I tried to be impressive to attract someone ‘better’
In hopes that there would be sweetness there
Sometimes there was. But it couldn’t sustain, because of me. Because of my fears and my desires.
That’s why I leave sweetness. Fear and desire.
Wanting things to be otherwise.
In 2015 I was so confused by reality. I was always trying to get elsewhere. I’m sure that was hard for my partner. It was hard for me.
There was sweetness but it was all conditional, in a bubble. Once something started to happen that ‘I’ didn’t like, it was only a bitter memory.
That’s what the beatles said: “what’s sweet now turns so sour”
That’s how it went.
That’s what the barrow consisted of, a wall of sourness.
“waking every morning with the sour aftertaste of the life I should be living in my mouth”
I used to wake up every day and be immediately hit with how much I hated my life. ‘my’ life.
And then the identity / coping mechanisms came in to protect me from that
I can find that barren space again. I know it’s still there.
The gap between what I wanted as part of my reality, and what was happening ‘in my reality.’ My emotional experiencing.
The gap between my desires and the ongoing moment of suffering I was experiencing (and indeed am experiencing, now).
“How to be happy” on the human level has never, ever worked.
All the ‘wise ones’ of the past say it can’t be done. Because it can’t, as a human - or as a God.
All the darkness is here in me, now.
I was just reading some really dark stuff (look up unit 731 if you’re looking for motivation to become free - warning, it is basically the worst that humanity is capable of)
And that’s the same for me. The same drives for control and chasing desire etc.
And I’m lucky to be on this edge of where sweetness is. Not far at all.
It’s insane that I’m here.
It’s estimated that 107 billion humans have ever lived, which means it’s a less than 100 billion chance of being one of the free ones (1 in 137.5 billion).
I have the opportunity of being 1 in 137 billion. It’s right there.
Even among humans living now, it’s 1 in 1 billion.
In between me and freedom is, ‘heartbreak,’ ‘girls.’
‘barren,’ ‘sour.’
The fear of remembering the sweet time in the past
I just remembered that in lotr, it’s Tom Bombadil that saves the hobbits from the barrow-wights. That’s a funny alignment.
The ‘impressive’ thing relates back to charisma
Beliefs are that, “if I do ‘x,’ I’ll get the sweetness. But it’s not backed up by evidence.
–
A bit bumpy rn, what am I missing?
I think I haven’t recovered from the above horrifying reading
I realized a few weeks back that I was using ‘fear’ as ‘clarity,’ because most people avoid scary things so it’s an opportunity to look into ‘dark corners’ / things that are usually hidden from view
And that happiness + harmlessness provides greater clarity than fear. So I could drop fear as a crutch.
So I can do that right now.
Many horrifying things have happened in history and continue to happen because of the human condition.
That is how we have arrived here.
A farm-boy in australia figured out an alternative 30 years ago.
Which means, it doesn’t have to just be a rotating morass of suffering forever and ever anymore.
And I get to be a pioneer, I get to be part of ending all of that.
In me, I can end it permanently.
I can’t stop all of them but I can do something about me.
The sweetness that is everything actual.
Everything that is. Not the fantasies and dreams.
It’s not me making the sweetness unconditional, it’s that the sweetness is already there and already inherently unconditional, it’s just a question of meeting up with it. Meeting it.
It’s bigger than ‘girls,’ but girls are part of it. They exist. They are half of the humans that exist. 4 billion girls and women on the earth.
–
My psyche is trying to reject what it doesn’t like, that’s why there’s nausea in these disturbing things. But in that nausea-rejection (disgust), I miss the actuality. Because the actuality is everything that is.
And that’s what happened in the past with girls too, something would disturb me or her and rejection would happen and the sweetness would dissipate
All the murders and rapes are happening in the actual world, but because of the animal passions and rather unfortunately-derived psyche-thereof.
Just a coincidence of evolution. What a bizarre chimera we are.
A meta-entity arising out of layered remembered emotion, and then socially-realized.
When I am disturbed/horrified, I experience nausea-rejection. I’m rejecting my experience
That rejection of experience blocks me from experiencing sweetness.
When I remember my childhood PCEs / sweetness it’s because I wasn’t rejecting my life so much
I wasn’t rejecting being alive
I started to distance myself when I was scared. I’d fake being asleep
‘islanding’ as protection
Aka, dissociation. From others.
But sweetness comes from, ‘no boundaries.’
Because anything can happen. Because that is the fact.
What is sweetness?
Apperception is sweet
Richard describes the actual world as sweet
Every PCE I have ever had has been sweet. Though that wasn’t always the characteristic that jumped out at ‘me’ the most afterward.
It may be that the sweetness was invisible to me, because of the psychic barrow-mounds.
Sweetness is inherent to what is apperceived.
Experiencing without me.
I am the one in the way
I don’t know what’s coming because I can’t know what’s coming. It’s wide open
All my schemes are merely kowtowing to an abusive being.
All because I’m so heartbroken and worried about outcomes
Apperception can be always
It’s inherently sweet. That’s the flavor. And it’s always now, that it happens.
The closest ‘I’ come to it is the enjoying - appreciating, the perfection… the sweetness. Benignity.
Everyone else is running around murdering, raping, generally causing a ruckus, but I don’t have to. I can be the sweetness.
No rejection anywhere.
This is ‘far-out.’
Humans are not supposed to be happy, harmless, sweet. It’s considered wrong.
We’re not supposed to apperceive. We’re not suppose to become free.
They’re all, ‘wrong.’
Freedom is on the other side of that, ‘wrong’
Outside of it.
The universe doesn’t care about my/our ‘right,’ ‘wrong’
We are semi-hairless animals running around the surface of a small, rocky, watery planet in a large-ish galaxy.
A bunch of plants around, too
It’s becoming the universe experiencing itself being alive
It’s not about humanity.
I’m humanity still.
All my thoughts, all my desires, all my drives and fears, are humanity.
Vineeto: You allow it to happen as much as you can bear, gently, again and again, and if you find any hang-ups, look at them and let them dissolve. Infinitude is big, really big, it also takes time to get accustomed to more and more of it.
This is referring to full-freedom (Vineeto in correspondence with the newly-free man from Sydney), but I can do the same with sweetness.
I still have resistance to it in some contexts, for example rememorating the experience at the cabin from the other night.
Because I see her as the beloved rather than a fellow human being, because I experience sweetness as conditional on what a girl (‘the beloved’) does, then that situation generates fear and offense, it is completely shut off from sweetness.
The sweetness is not because of anything anyone else does, but because of what I experience, what I ‘am.’
What this universe is.
‘no sex,’ ‘no girl,’ ‘rejection by the other,’ are all sweet too.
I’m walking alone through a frozen desert to the edge of humanity. And it is sweet.
All these beings suffering, and I am one of them.
–
My instinctive pulling-back is what is blocking perfection-sweetness
Maybe she will wiggle her bits with someone that isn’t me
And maybe she’ll enjoy that more than she has with me
And maybe she’ll fall in love with that person
And they’ll have a super sweet time together.
These are all unexceptionally human things to happen. Quite unsurprising things to happen.
So ‘I’ am hanging myself out there, basically setting myself up to be hurt over and over.
Since I don’t consider those outcomes to be sweet
So I reject my experience
Richard was more literal than I thought when he said that becoming free required intestinal fortitude lol. This is intense
Sweetness irrespective of the attention/love I’m getting.
Basically ‘Mr. Brightside’ stuck on repeat in my psyche rn.
They’re insecurities bc they interrupt my sense of ‘safe.’
I have a pretty limited capacity to direct events, so all kinds of things can happen.
So there’s not ‘safe’ in that sense.
There is safe in the ultimate sense and once again it’s a question of connecting to that.
Inching toward perfection.
12|31|21
The last day of the year.
‘I’ am always looking for trouble
Making other people’s business my own
–
A bit of concern around the new year bc my partner is going out and I don’t really want to, at least at this moment. Perhaps that will change. But right now it doesn’t sound attractive.
And I’m anticipating feeling alone/lonely/insecure at home. So I can take care of that one in advance.
Really it’s because I’m tired, I had a fun night last night and I’m a bit over-stretched. So this body does not want to stay up late. It doesn’t make sense for me to.
So then the move is like, ‘early bedtime.’ That’s what will be nice for the body.
I don’t really have any complaints about that actually. I can make coffee in the morning tomorrow. All of this sounds nice.
The other ingredient is, ‘insecure.’ She’ll be doing her own thing without me.
I remember there was a time when she was moreso the insecure one, and I would be stoked whenever she went and did anything by / for herself, because it showed her independence. And now I’m scared of it because I’m scared of her leaving. It’s funny.
The sweet experience is, she’s her own person, this is the flavor of what she likes to do in her life. She likes to dance way more than I do. It only makes sense that she goes and dances. I don’t have to.
"Some Other Guy " The Beatles at the Cavern REMASTER Take one and two. - YouTube
“has taken away my sweet desire, yeah, some other guy now”
It’s really wild that all the media, songs, etc out there are by feeling-beings. A big whirlpool of desire keeping everyone in the middle. Everyone WANTS to get to the middle.
I’m trying to have it both ways, I want to give her full independence but I also want some guarantee that she’ll be around for me.
One has to go
Really it’s just that I want some stuff and I’m whining, wheedling, hoping I can get my way. Pretty rotten actually.
Awhile back I was like, “I’ll just up my social skills, and then I’ll be able to get what I want.”
But really a lot of that was manipulation-charisma stuff that I’m working to get away from now.
And I was taking for granted, “getting what I want.”
There’s not really any problem with the wanting part. Sure, sex is nice. Company is nice.
Part if it is I’ve put so many moralistic rules and conditions on how I operate with those. My family background is rather puritanical and I can see that coming out with how I think about romantic partners especially.
As well as prospective interests. That’s an outcome of my morbid fear of rejection, too. I’m definitely not 100% done with that one, might be useful to dig into.
My fear generally runs along the lines of,
“I’m attracted to all these girls, and if they knew then everything will be awkward and bad so I’d better not allow them to know”
Not the most conducive to meeting anyone!
And then I trap myself in loneliness.
Interesting, interesting!
Well I can look for that the next time I meet someone I’m interested in. Right now I can say, it’s ok however it goes next time. I’ve opened the door. Right now there’s no one right in front of me so it’s quite literally immaterial. It’s not something to worry about.
It’s definitely not for granted that they’ll experience it as awkward and bad. Some people live in ‘awkward, bad,’ but that’s just where they live. I probably won’t be interested in them in the first place.
Maybe they will experience awkward, bad, but that’s ok. That’s a completely normal human emotion. Not anything I need to be sour about.
Fear says that their awkward-bad will spread like wildfire and that in no time, “no one will like me,” I will be a ‘weirdo.’
Which. Fair enough.
But also, so unlikely at this stage! Happiness and harmlessness has been so stable in my experiencing over the last few years, and people have met me there just about always. It’s been easy.
I guess there is an element of ‘risk’ there, but nothing is gained without risk.
There’s sweetness in all the pretty girls out there! They’re just out here, living their lives same as me, chasing this or that desire, trying to feel good, trying to ‘be good.’ It’s neat. They’re just as manipulative as me too, just as sneaky. But that’s just how we are, us semi-hairless apes.
It’s really sweet. It doesn’t really matter if they sleep with me or not. It’s ok. The sweetness is bigger.
So I can experience that sweetness when apprehending rejection, when apprehending ‘left-out,’ because that’s what we people are doing. It’s very big and very sweet. So clear, it is a different sweetness as @Miguel and @claudiu point out. Love has this stickiness that can’t be missed, but this is clear like clean, cold spring-water.
It reminds me of the ‘streak’ that @Srinath describes when he becomes free, but this isn’t pungent, it’s completely clear.
‘Me’ is pungent, but not this sweetness.
It’s interesting, my consideration from this ‘point-of-view’ has nothing to do with me, nothing to do with ‘my’ ‘plan for them.’
It’s just, it’s neat that they’re wandering around the world.
And sometimes we hop into bed! And it can be such a sweet wonderful time, it really doesn’t even matter if they reject me at that stage because of some insecurity, or if they have a bumpy time, I can be there for that. It is all part of the human drama, and I don’t blame them for their humanity. It is what they were born into… they never saw it coming.
And all the manipulations it’s the same thing… of course they manipulate, they manipulate for the same reasons that I have: to be safe, to try and carve out some control, to not feel lonely, to not be left alone. Of course they will do that. It’s ok.
This is so wonderful. I feel more alive than ever.
My normal instinct at that stage of sweet closeness is to generate codependency because I am supposed to protect them, I’m supposed to hold them close, I’m supposed to prevent their insecurity, I’m supposed to act in certain ways so they never feel bad. It’s all forced, and it doesn’t work of course because their insecurity is still there. Their insecurity is deep, just like mine has been deep. It actually makes it worse to try and placate it.
And part of the whole thing is my own insecurity of being alone… the only reason to engage with all of that silliness in the last paragraph is because I think that if I’m alone that it will be a bad time. Which I clearly still think as demonstrated by my initial reaction about staying home on NYE.
That’s the difference in charge, my background negativity vs. my high rating of the ‘meaning’ of hanging out with some pretty girl.
I’m alone right now, and I’m not having a bad time. There are little vortices of bad feeling. I can keep removing those. But it’s far from a bad time.
And for that matter half the time that I’m hanging out with this or that person I sort of wish I was doing something else lol. I guess that’s what makes it a belief and not a fact.
Q: Now I can look at a person and see such a normal person and I wonder how can such a person be so attractive to one who is in love. This is something I would never see when I was in love; I would never see that aspect.
R: Love covers up what the person actually is like and presents them in a good light.
Q: Oh yes a fantastic light … not just fantastic; love can make that man into the most perfect human being. Into a god.
R: Now what about actual intimacy? In intimacy you see the other as they actually are … ‘warts and all’ is the expression.
Q: That is not only better … it is far more interesting.
R: It does not make you repulsed. One is neither attracted nor repulsed.
Yes the lack of repulsion is key. I know the exact taste of the nausea now. I can watch for it.
Warts and all, I like that. It’s genuinely seeing someone. For the first time, each moment again.
We do indeed have warts. Just as we have some graceful swoop of the nose, we have warts.
That, too, is sweet. It’s a part of the fact.
R: In actual intimacy, when you are with another person one hundred per cent – and there is neither attraction or repulsion – and you see clearly what other people would call attractive or repulsive … what does that do?
Q: Oh, that’s delicious! That’s delicious because that is freedom. Then I’m free from the grip of emotions.
R: So, seeing the other for what they actually are, do you see ‘the good’ in them? The potential?
Q: There is good and bad in everybody. I am aware of what humans call good or bad. I can see them with either eye, as it were; I can see them with intimate eyes or human eyes. I am aware of that and I don’t take much notice of the human measurement. In intimacy this whole moment, everything, is magnificent.
In intimacy I can respond, taking the whole scenario, the whole situation, into consideration. … the identity goes from identity to identity.
Yes… everything is ‘rote,’ there are always certain beats to hit… it’s like a connect-the-dots drawing. Everything is planned out / set up in advance. There’s no artistry in it. And it’s not sweet either, because the way ‘I’ know where to go next is the love and desire and the hate and the fear.
I’m thin… what is going to happen next?
Peter: ‘a sweetness that was palpable rather than feeling based. I heard the words ‘This is not only for me, this is for everybody’ as I was literally being bathed in this sweetness.’
This sweetness always accompanied an experience (…) that I was close to my destiny and an awareness that what I am doing/ longing for is not merely for my ‘peace of mind’, but that it is for everybody, for every single man, woman and child on the planet – for peace on earth.’
This experience of sweetness is about being close to one’s destiny (actual freedom) whereas a PCE is a glimpse into the actual world that can happen anywhere/ anywhen on the path/during the process to one’s destiny.
–
Contemplating rejection further - I can see that I am afraid of being ‘cast out’ due to having taken too many risks, and being rejected by all.
So it’s interesting because I’m afraid to fully explore freedom because that is hanging over me.
What if I am ‘cast out?’
Ostracism (Greek: ὀστρακισμός, ostrakismos) was an Athenian democratic procedure in which any citizen could be expelled from the city-state of Athens for ten years. While some instances clearly expressed popular anger at the citizen, ostracism was often used preemptively. It was used as a way of neutralizing someone thought to be a threat to the state or potential tyrant though in many cases popular opinion often informed the choice regardless. The word “ostracism” continues to be used for various cases of social shunning.
Shunning can be the act of social rejection, or emotional distance. In a religious context, shunning is a formal decision by a denomination or a congregation to cease interaction with an individual or a group, and follows a particular set of rules. It differs from, but may be associated with, excommunication.
Interesting, greek ostracism required a quorum aka a minimum number of assembly members to vote for a specific person to be ostracized.
It required 6,000 athenians to all agree that the person should be ostracized. That shows how extreme it is for that to happen.
It happens with a much lower bar in a relationship or family setting, though.
I’ve been here before: if my family decides to reject me, I’ll be ok. There are already small rejections every day and that’s ok.
If my partner rejects me, that’s ok. That’s part of her freedom. Again, there are already many small rejections.
And then it’s just the same for anyone else who I could meet. Of course they can reject me. That is actually sweet… that is their freedom to operate in action.
So the extra-spicy version is, ‘everyone rejects Henry.’
6,000 people all agree to kick me out.
Because I asked too many girls on dates.
“There’s Henry… he’s creepy af.”
That’s the fear, right there. I’ve seen girls say that about other men, the disgust-disdain dripping from their voices.
In fact I’ve seen it so many times that it’s almost certain that someone has said it about me. Actually I am certain.
And it was ok. I’m sitting here typing this. It’s quite light.
I do have the stress from this anticipation/memory, though. Ok.
Really it began in like Kindergarten, being taught how I’m supposed to operate in relation to girls. We were sort of taught to hold them at a distance. To be super careful.
Somehow it was ok to relax more around people of our own gender. I guess because of all the sex problems that people produce. It’s a human-conditioning coping mechanism for a thorny problem.
That is no longer relevant for me.
I don’t have to keep being careful like that.
A woman is not a fragile vase.
More on shunning:
Social rejection occurs when a person or group deliberately avoids association with, and habitually keeps away from an individual or group. This can be a formal decision by a group, or a less formal group action which will spread to all members of the group as a form of solidarity. It is a sanction against association, often associated with religious groups and other tightly knit organizations and communities. Targets of shunning can include persons who have been labeled as apostates, whistleblowers, dissidents, strikebreakers, or anyone the group perceives as a threat or source of conflict. Social rejection has been established to cause psychological damage and has been categorized as torture[1] or punishment.[2]
Interesting, “established to cause psychological damage”
So that’s the instinctual response I’m having to it, “psychological damage.”
This memory keeps popping into my experience as I contemplate ‘ultimate rejection,’ of walking by myself on a beach in the winter. I remember I was interested in this girl, I was very infatuated with her, and she was shutting me down subtly but I was having a little trouble taking the hint. But I remember walking around with this sense of devastation, total barrenness. So I’m getting the flavor of that as I wander in this arena.
Normally rejection is super coddled, like completely taken for granted that it ‘feels bad.’ People will comfort you like no tomorrow. I remember when a girl-friend of mine was broken up with, another one of her friends pulled out all the stops, set up a ‘girl’s night,’ bought tubs of ice cream.
Because of comforting to prevent the devastation-barrenness.
And actually that’s the same wound I carried after my two major breakups later on. I remember that barrenness.
Now that I’m getting into it I can see that that feeling has characterized / kick-started all of the darkest periods of my life! Ok, well it makes sense that I have a bit of skittishness around it lmao
I’m having a great time with all this. It has the same high-stakes thrill as riding a skateboard super fast or riding a motorcycle
Barrenness is definitely pretty antithetical to sweetness. Certainly not perfection. It has a stark quality… stark reality maybe.
R: I remember you talking about some of the negative things that can happen. You spent the best part of one day experiencing panic … we are looking for some negative things. For as far as I can remember, that was four months ago. Then there was that time you experienced everything as being stark – barren was the word you used.
Q(1): Yes, I thought that I had gone back into that spiritual stuff that I used to experience.
R: You said that in the middle of it that you remembered something that I had written that was important to you. Where I have written about traversing a barren wasteland … about needing nerves of steel whilst in durance-vile. You realised that back in your spiritual days this was where you would have gone for hope, so as to avoid falling into despair. To come out of despair one must enter into hope. And you said that you were sitting there, up on the hill over-looking the ocean …
Q(1): … and I realised that I couldn’t go into hope again.
R: … couldn’t go into hope again … and you sat there and realised that you were to simply sit in this starkness, this barrenness, and not move in any direction whatever. Not move psychologically, I mean. That is; emotionally or mentally. That is very, very important – not to move.
R: I remember well, you saying that. I thought to myself: ‘Well, that’s good’. Because that indicated to me that something was very strongly happening to you … no matter how unpleasant. Not that I wish a panic experience upon anyone – but if it happens it is part of life’s experience. That is where the ‘unknown’ of it comes in. That is where you think: ‘Oh, my goodness, what am I doing to myself?’ Or: ‘What is going on?’. I consider that is what lay behind you coming in the other night giggling and saying: ‘I don’t know for sure what’s going on’ – not your exact words, but something similar. The sense I got of it was: ‘I’m not too sure what’s going on, whether this is a good thing or not, but it’s happening!’ But, you are doing it.
Q(1): And I remember that it was very much to do with … like looking at my hand and realising this is the hand of a human being – and a human being obviously lives on this planet. And I could see it like a claw … I could see ‘chicken-skin’ … and also that it was getting old … that this was the end of a 49-year old man … and that’s it.
R: I can relate to that from seventeen years ago when I first started getting into all this. I too looked at my hand, wondering why I had never seen my before – it had a stark quality to it. Stark is a good word but it unfortunately has negative connotations – for it was seeing stark reality for the first time. I remember being fascinated, despite my qualms, and then one day it shifted through to an actuality in which the magical qualities of the intimacy of directly experiencing the actualness of my hand became apparent.
Yes, it is barren, it is stark. This cannot be rushed.
It’s the facts of my reality, stark reality.
Staying in this experience, the rejection is firmly in my view, it is no longer something I’m avoiding. Because of this, I’m really looking at it stably for the first time. The previous couple of times were always fleeting (though still full of insight).
Similarly, whenever I’ve been in barrenness in the past I’d be looking for a way out of it asap.
I can use fascination as a tool for attentiveness without leaving this.
So tired. Unhappiness. Mopey.
Hungry. This physical body requires food.
My whole reality is barren. I can see the barren, dead nature of it coming from every direction. And the actuality is sweet. It’s behind, ‘barren.’
I haven’t even wanted to look at reality for a long time because of ‘barren.’ That’s the wound I took, was from those barren experiences. I moved away from the city because I never wanted to experience that again. But it wasn’t the city. It was me.
Nothing safe or warm anywhere, just cold dead walls.
It’s all the same reality under there, it’s just been hidden from view. Dissociated.