12|23|21
What’s up, Tiger Lily?
The actual is the only thing that can be happening
This moment is the only thing that is happening
I only think that ‘this’ is better than ‘that’ because I am an emotionally-generated being.
I’ve already seen this move with my realization at the ski resort.
Not to mention the thousands of past realizations which have changed me.
It’s just a matter of getting down the essential realizations between me and freedom.
I can see that I still experience some suffering/fear when anticipating my partner sleeping with someone else.
For some reason it’s less with the guy she’s already seeing.
He is a friend (again… what is a friend? Someone who I assume is ‘good,’ who ‘cares about me.’ That is a belief in the end…).
Which means the situation in general is belief-based
It’s definitely even more threatening if I imagine her sleeping with someone I don’t know, and especially if I think that they are so awesome.
Me vs. them status.
I’ve seen me flexing status most obviously in the past when I’ve had a belief that the girl on my arm is super attractive. I want others to see me with them in that situation.
I feel safer with the guy she’s already slept with because there’s a ‘stable situation’ where she sees him some of the time and me some of the time, but that’s a belief too: there is no stable situation in actuality. Things are changing all the time. There isn’t security in that.
She could begin to find him much more attractive than me and decide I’m not worth the trouble. Kaput.
Ok, I’ll humor myself.
Let’s say that in this situation she’s more likely to want to run off with the new guy, leaving me in the dust
The real issue here is that I think he’s cool, so when I project onto her I believe that she believes he’s cool.
This is threatening because obviously if he’s cool I must be not as cool, meaning my position is in danger.
In many ways I believe it’s already a lost cause.
It may well be. Love makes people do all kinds of things…
By seeing my own insecurity-fantasy, I can see ‘me.’
They hit it off
She visits him at a later date
They have a magical time traveling around somewhere
They proceed to ditch me and have an amazing life together
I am lame, left-out, and love-less.
Which is already what I’m feeling, right now lol.
Ok, time to reset to feeling-good.
I’ve noticed that the smallest, stupidest things can reset ‘me.’ Like, just looking at something that I like for 2 seconds. It’s convenient for actualism.
Ok, back in a good space
Let’s look at that again.
They’re off having an amazing time without me somewhere far away
It’s on an emotional scale because ‘I’ feel that amazement in that moment for a split-instant, and wish that I was feeling ‘amazement.’
That means that the operation of it is the same as my own moment of fantasy, it’s just that I have no problem projecting it on another person whereas I can’t project such things onto myself anymore because I’ve gotten too discouraged with life to believe it.
Wow ok that’s much bigger than expected
No wonder I was feeling so bad about this lol
I believe that I am a lost cause…
I’m just trying to use actualism to hang onto some shred of happiness… by that I mean girls…
Wowwwww
I’d even given up on “having an amazing time with girls.”
Like, I’m taking it for granted that it won’t be that great of a time
This is blowing my mind
This also means that I don’t genuinely think I can be free. Because ‘amazing time’ is one of the steps on the way to ‘free.’ I’ve been just holding some mediocre freedom substitute in mind.
Well. It’s good that that mediocre substitute was something I could lean on enough to get me this far to figure this out!
This is so much bigger than I thought. The actual potential.
I can have an amazing time. Of course I can have an amazing time! Every day can be a ball. There is no reason why not.
That means: start right now. Right now can be an amazing time.
Still a bit of resistance with that one. What’s the resistance?
Some part of me thinks something is wrong with what is happening
I don’t like where I am and what is happening
Where do I think I should be?
The projected fantasy involved traveling somewhere tropical.
I’ve had PCEs in tropical places. So it’s my own memory, re-projected onto them, and then it’s “I wish I could have that, I can’t have that.”
I’ve seen in myself sometimes a sense of ‘trapped’ in where I am.
It has to do with my parents, I’m worried about what they’d think if I went somewhere else.
All of this is so inter-connected.
Once again there have been psychic bonds placed.
What do the psychic bonds consist of?
“you are hurting us.”
That is what they tell me. Directly. With suffering etched on their faces. They believe it, and then I believe it.
I’ve danced out of this one with nifty ‘actualism intellectuality’ in the past, with ineffective results.
It has to be experiential.
Those psychic bonds are currently my ceiling on experience.
I can use the anger as motivation. That is what is needed here. This is my life. So much wasted life. A ceiling on life.
They were trying to manipulate me into leaving my partner earlier. She / the situation is “too chaotic” for them.
They were feeling bad / scared and they placed that bad feeling on me, as “the one who is causing the bad feeling.” That is their reality. I could see through it when it was her but not with me.
They don’t like the way I live my life and they try to manipulate me to do it differently.
It’s an interesting situation because my house is built right in their driveway so they see my comings and goings
And I go to them when I’m freaked out by money things. That has to stop. That’s part of what gives them that power.
When my partner is in town my psychic energy is directed toward her, but when she is out of town a large amount / most of it is directed toward family.
I owe them money too, that is part of where their power comes from.
I don’t have a counter to that in this instant. Time to get back to feeling good
I’m this little animal scrabbling for safety
I’ll suck up to anyone to feel safe in whatever moment.
In this case it’s with my Dad. He has power over me.
Beyond any money involved, the psychic power-control is there.
If he doesn’t like something, I ‘jump.’
I don’t allow myself to think, to fully operate.
To be happy.
He can’t actually hold me down and make me do anything.
That’s the final control. Anything less than that doesn’t exist. If I really choose to do something, I can. No one can prevent me.
I psychically believe he can stop me still.
He can shout at me. He can wave his arms. He can stamp his feet. He can threaten all kinds of terrible things. But it’s up to me what I do.
I’ve been through that before with someone else. I know I don’t have to be manipulated that way anymore.
It was a little easier because I was able to just ‘break things off’ with them, it was with a partner. There’s a socially-approved way to do that which isn’t frowned on too much.
With parents it’s a little trickier. But, people understand cutting them out when they’re really unreasonable.
Which means, my issue here is that I think my parents are ‘good,’ ‘reasonable.’
Which. Is just not true. As can be demonstrated by their emotional responses even tonight. It’s obvious that they’re in their emotions, that they’re not thinking clearly. They’re acting from pure fear. They think that by manipulating me they’re averting disaster.
So I can continue to skillfully divert their fears, which I was able to do with little trouble tonight - and with more practice I will only get more proficient. And, should they choose to escalate things beyond reason, yes I can in fact leave them. I don’t have to stay. I can, indeed, “break up with my parents.”
And I can energetically break off my dependence on them, tonight.
This seems to be another domino falling from the realization at the ski resort: I can’t keep my partner “within my influence.”
By the same stroke I have been living within my parent’s influence.
I take their feedback so seriously. I take their psychic waves as important, at face value. I feel that I have no choice. I feel squeezed. But the door is always there for me. In fact there never were any walls or door to begin with. Just this open world.
My belief has been that my parents were between me and, ‘awesome.’
When I was a little kid, I had to ask their permission to go spend the night at a friend’s house. That was my definition of ‘awesome.’ So, I had to have their approval. There was more than one tearful night of bum-out when my parents shut me down from doing those things that I wanted to do. They ruled my life. And I just never realized that I never turned that off!
I don’t want to hurt them just to hurt them, but I also can’t live my life half-way just because they’re scared for me.
I don’t know how this will be resolved. I can see that I’m on a precipice.
I get ‘shut down’ by my parents, and my ambience is like a whipped dog. And then my partner sees me that way and she is not attracted to me. And insecurity is sown. She would be attracted to someone that does not have that psychic bond. As well she should, lol.
How do I break out of this?
My identity is, ‘child.’
All the rebellious music & posturing lives inside of the identity ‘child,’ it isn’t freedom from it.
My intention in 2010 was: the best life possible. For me and for everyone I know. We all die one day.
I can’t sacrifice that because my parents are sad about how I’m living.
That’s what I did in 2010. I remember. I was starting to really live, and they ‘reeled me in.’ It was the exact same narrative.
Now I have a blueprint. I know what I have to do. I know how to do it. I know I’m not a threat to society, to myself, or to them. I’m just living.
I know that I can’t avoid hurting their feelings. It’s not worth it to live halfway in a vain attempt to avoid hurting them. One more human life wasted.
Awesome. Perfection. I connect well with the word, ‘awesome.’ I know that word well. I can feel it inside myself. I can be awesome. I can live awesome. Why not? Because it’s too scary for someone? OF COURSE it’s too scary for someone lmao. Most of what I’m doing is too scary for someone. In this case, too scary for my parents.
They are just two someones. I’m not scared. I’m just alive, right now. Life is just happening. I don’t see a problem with doing this or that. The security comes from ‘now.’
One more step toward ‘insane.’
What is ‘awesome,’ for me? What am I blocking?
Going out at random hours is a big one. I’ve done it some, but I do always feel guilt. I know they worry.
I still do it, though. So all that’s happening is guilt. And maybe I do it less than I would otherwise. And then I feel lame… because I’m blocking awesome… and feeling like a whipped dog. Lame.
I am the only one that can ‘awesome.’
I can only do my own awesome. No one will hand it to me. My parents will never, ever give it to me. They want me safe, not awesome.
They don’t want me to live the best life possible. They want me to live the safest life possible.
Safe…
Never taking risks.
Damn, this is big
Chaos.
Intelligence.
My own intelligence.
I figure for myself out how to live. They don’t tell me.
By living-actually, the facts are paramount, there is no doubt, which means that their doubt holds no water. It has no weight. There is no reason at all to be scared, of anything. No fear they can generate counters that basic fact.
If I am doing something I am not sure about, and they offer a viewpoint, that is different. Perhaps I can learn from what they say. But if they offer me a fear, and I am not afraid, and I can see the facts of the situation, there is no amount of their fear that can dissuade me. Because the fact is there.
That doesn’t mean I completely disregard their fear. I care about them. I don’t want to trigger their fear needlessly. But it is no longer a prime directive of mine.
I’m going to need more motivation to finish the job on this one.
–
I’m in an interesting spot: my usual prime directive is no longer there the way it was (girls/sex). I find lurking beneath it, ‘awesome.’ And then it turns out ‘awesome’ was being blocked by my progenitors (picked that word up from Richard! Thanks, Richard).
So here’s lil ol me, destined to be forever ‘not-awesome.’
A life of non-awesomeness.
Sounds kinda… lame. Those are the poles:
Awesome ---------------- Lame
^Henry
(this is the precise amount of awesome that my parents allow me to have)
So you’re telling me, that there’s a whole world of awesomeness out there, and I’m going to not awesome it up to the utter maximum, because of my parents?
Sounds like something a lame person would do.
You don’t want to be lame, right?
Want to be awesome, right???
Wouldn’t it be awesome if I was free of my parents?
If I was autonomous on my own two feet for the first time in my life???
I have a good friend who was born in a cult and had to figure out for himself how to get out of it. I find that very impressive. I see that my current situation is quite similar to what he must have experienced.
Everything that I have lived my life under for my whole life.
I ventured out a few times to ‘explore the world’ and then ‘had my face kicked in’ by the world a few times and then would return home with my tail between my legs. So I ended up feeling pretty discouraged about my own autonomy.
That’s more or less where I find myself today. I’m really happy that I’ve done all this actualism stuff and built a house (80% of a house?). That’s pretty neat. But my overall ambience is still pretty nervous. I know they’re ‘over’ me still.
Walking around, just waiting to be beaten by them. The interesting thing is I’m never sure when it’s coming. I remember having a really fun time of life and then they’d come in and attack me. They thought I was doing the wrong thing.
The wrong thing, that’s a funny one.
I suppose I should just do the exact same things as them
As if that was possible lmao
It’s literally impossible. This is amazing
–
Still not done. It has to be experienced. Freedom.
What is, awesome?
There can’t be anything more impressive than becoming free.
Building a rocket to mars is basic compared to becoming free.
Someone actually enjoying their life is unheard of in humanity.
That’s what I’m doing. Becoming free.
I’m sitting at a computer in the dark in the middle of winter in Alaska, unpacking and watching my own psyche to remove all obstacles to freedom.
Am… I … awesome???
My parents certainly aren’t going to stop me becoming free. They could lock me in the basement and I’d keep going.
It no longer matters if anyone else thinks I’m awesome. They don’t understand because they can’t understand. The actual is invisible to them.
It no longer matters if my parents are scared. They can’t understand either. They probably never will.
–
Ok… so going back to the initial fear that started all this
What if she hooks up with him because she thinks he’s awesome
Travel is neat. It’s interesting. It can be awesome. But it’s just not as awesome as becoming free. It’s nowhere close.
I’m on the edge of perfection now.
If she can’t see me, she can’t see me. That’s ok. That’s just where she is. She is attracted to what she is attracted to, because she is she.
I’m locked in now.
I’m gazing down at all humanity.
Living their fears
Chasing their desires
I want them to be happy. Most of them won’t be happy much. That’s what it is, to be a human. A struggle most days. A bit of happiness and harmlessness sprinkled in there. But just a sprinkle.
The passionate ones usually become deluded and/or dull.
Some people come across actualism, and discard it, not understanding the words their eyes are passing over.
And then there are a few people beavering away. Sometimes people ask me ‘how many actualists are there?’
Well, on the forum there are like 5 lol
There are definitely more out there that aren’t on the forum, but it’s still not many people. I would guess less than 100 that ‘get it’ or care enough to get anywhere with it.
I can’t imagine ‘getting it’ and not doing anything with it. People forget, though. I’ve almost forgotten a few times. But I haven’t. I’m here. It’s way too late to forget.
The last of the obstacles are dropping away. I’m not sure there are many more bigger than girls and family.
I know a lot of people whose greatest fear is the loss of friends and family. So to become free of those is big. Good work, Henry. The result of a lot of focused work. A lot of figuring-out. A ton of naivete and sincerity. That’s what I have done. It’s really wonderful. I’m really happy with and for myself.
What’s left to do? Are there any more objections?
Is there anything here that isn’t perfect?
My house is a bit messy. That’s ok, I can clean it. Right now, it’s messy. Maybe someone else wouldn’t like it but right now I don’t have to care.
I may have the long covid. That’s ok. It’s a fact of what’s happening. This is what I’m doing. Having the long covid doesn’t keep me from becoming free.
My partner may experience someone else as more attractive to her.
That’s still spicy for me.
Why does it bother me?
I’m still insecure about, ‘awesome.’
I’m not quite experientially all the way to ‘awesome.’
It’s still a bit too theoretical. I have to get there.
“my life is awesome and I do awesome stuff”
I’m still depending a bit on others for verification about ‘awesome.’ So it will never come. Or if it does it’s for something stupid
And I miss freedom because of that.
What happens if I’m not awesome to others?
They reject me.
So maybe it’s freedom = rejection. Worst-case scenario.
I’m already being rejected all the time. Is perfect happening now? No, but it’s because of ‘me.’
It’s not rejection preventing freedom, it’s me.
Because I’m bothered by the rejection.
I’ve been down this road a couple times but couldn’t finish the job before
I have the framework for not experiencing rejection: they are not in my sphere of influence. But I haven’t experientially completed it.
It’s interesting because the realization was so clear. There was the EE. But for whatever reason it didn’t fully wipe things out.
The good feelings don’t stick around. Like, I hang out with some people and say some stuff and they think it’s smart and maybe they think I’m hot and I feel good about it but then later I’m back to my baseline.
And then from my baseline I’m still down to fantasize about girls and by the same stroke be afraid of their rejection.
‘I’ keep coming back over and over and over.
It’s not possible to position any girl or girls in such a way that I don’t return to feeling bad. ‘Me’ is always still there. It actually doesn’t matter if I’m rejected or not rejected because I return all the same.
I’m always there.
I make others the objects of my fantasies and then get upset when they don’t play the role according to how I imagine it should go.
I have a whole fantasy-life I’m holding onto as if it will happen if only I hope hard enough
It’s never going to happen. Never, never, never ever.
What is happening is the actual world. And I’m still ignoring it. Even right now.
Why not jump in now?
The actual looks just enough like my fantasies that I keep the fantasies going. “Maybe I will still be able to get what I want.”
But they’re all generated from my or someone else’s memory/experience/imagination.
It will never happen that way again. It can’t.
Everything is a one-off.
Everything that happens is only now. The world is only happening now
That’s what the actual world is. This is it.
Pure sensorial.
Enjoying and appreciating this sensorial world, now.
The fantasy just doesn’t exist at all outside of my imagination.
And yet I’ve been invested up to this point living there / visiting it quite often. I guess the investment has been because I thought I could get it.
It just doesn’t work that way. The fantasy isn’t there
Living in my imagination, because I’m in sorrow, thus missing what’s actually happening.
That’s what I’ve been doing.
What is the sorrow there for?
To make me have sex and to make me be ‘pro-social.’
Wait, why is the sorrow there?
It seems to be unconsciously triggered by past memories of sorrow
The original sorrow was there instinctually but it has no useful role to play anymore in my life. It’s just happening out by habit now.
So the actualism (eatmoba) is there to remove all the sorrow. Because the unconscious is reset when I don’t feel the sorrow when the trigger occurs.
When there’s no sorrow there’s nothing there for me to do anymore.
Nowhere I have to go anymore.
I don’t have to ‘go over there’ to be happy or awesome or perfect anymore.
