It pleases me that nothing in the PCE and nothing gleaned from asking HAIETMOBA (when asking with naïve or pure intent) is irrational. I don’t have to reevaluate my strong support of logic and reason. Nor do I have to question anything in the PCE or my answers to HAIETMOBA. Iow, the actualism method is logical and an infinite and eternal universe is logical but only the experience of actuality will truly convince anyone.
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Interesting. Can you please point out few of their fallacies?
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Agreed, that had a big part to play in why I picked all of this up in the first place.
Richard describes the universe happening as, ‘magic as in stage magic / prestidigitation.’
What this means is, we are all ‘in the middle’ in terms of: seeing the magic play out, and understanding* some of it, and not understanding some of it.
To be free is to be sitting in the metaphorical audience, watching this magic play out, not understanding all of it, but with no ‘being’ in the way interrupting the clarity-of-seeing.
This means there may still be misunderstandings/misattributions/learning-over-time, but it all happens from clarity.
Where the ‘being’ adds a tremendous amount of obfuscation/jumping to conclusions/confusions.
That is what I see.
*‘Understanding’ really means, ‘seeing/recognizing the pattern’
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12|13|21
Things are moving all the time
12|14|21
Some discomfort whenever I think about my partner
Just had a magical week meeting a new girl, talking about everything, and this seems to be one of the side-effects
It led to my partner (for lack of a better word) feeling jealous, though not in an extreme way. Just jealous.
And now I’m experiencing this aversion.
It has the character of, ‘why put up with this discomfort?’
I have some imagination that, if I was with someone else, that it would be easier. Maybe it would be, I don’t know. In the past I’ve tended to dodge out of this situation with a little ‘actualist morals’ (of my own invention) / overthinking.
I don’t really know what should be done or what the best thing to do is. No need to pretend that I do.
I’ve experienced these kinds of waves of moods before. One day I’m so attracted and appreciative, another day I’m filled with dread at the thought of the person.
I’m pretty fed up with going through that all the time. It’s no fun for anyone.
As @Andrew said, I’m choosing the drama I have until I’ve had enough.
My drama is, “is this the right person? Where is the right person?”
It’s like that children’s book, “are you my mother?”
“Are you my soul-mate?”
I can see sincerity in almost everyone. Everyone has their moments.
Maybe for some their clear moments are all in the past. But you never know. There’s not a way to know for sure.
That’s part of what is giving me trouble, ‘not a way to know for sure’
So I’m trying to ‘figure out’ something that can’t be known and at the very least I don’t know the relevant patterns well enough.
I’ve given myself some freedom of movement with having a non-exclusive romantic arrangement. That has helped. It’s illuminated a lot. But in most ways I’m still playing the same game.
The thought for me of splitting up with someone is hard, because I can imagine them suffering. I imagine them being sad and it’s sad for me.
And, I seem to conceptualize it as, ‘me missing out on future potential excellent/clear times with them’
Which has repeatedly been my reason to not split up.
These last couple of months, with my partner out of town, have proven to me that I can/will have an excellent time by myself. I’ve been alone for about as many hours as I ever have in my life (in a similar period of time). I’ve also had loads of lovely independent social hours with others. ‘Alone/lonely’ no longer makes sense to me / has been significantly weakened.
That makes all of this much easier. Far, far easier.
Maybe I’ll tackle that ‘fomo toward future clear moments’ first.
Well, yes, anyone-everyone can/will have clear moments.
Yes, she is more clear than most.
Yes, if we’re not around each other then I won’t be there when those happen.
I’ll be doing something else.
What is, “something else.”
It could be anything.
The problem is, I ‘highly value’ time spent in a woman’s company / in conversation / physical intimacy. I seek that out because of its high value to me.
So then ‘anything’ can’t compare to ‘company/conversation/physical.’
I’m always trying to arrange that to happen. That means I’m never willing to ‘put down the stick’ (like, when throwing a stick for a dog, sometimes a dog won’t put down the stick. Which doesn’t allow the stick to be thrown, either.)
Interesting. That is running in my mind at all times. “I can’t put down this stick. I’d better not put down this stick. I need this stick.”
I’ve been here before. Another girl pointed out to me that I wasn’t sincerely considering ‘splitting up’ as a valid option.
Especially interesting because in the past I have broken things off with several people. But for whatever reason, now, I don’t allow the possibility.
I’d rather talk with / be with her than with lots of other people.
But there are also some people that I’d rather be with, than with her.
And then I try and ‘arrange/set up.’
I suppose I’m allowed to do that. There’s not exactly any security in it.
I remember Peter points out to Vineeto, ‘you don’t have to be here. You have a car, you have your own apartment.’
She and I have history of difficulty in those moments. ‘I don’t want to hang out right now’ and then there’s suffering. I experienced suffering too.
That narrative still has weight for me.
I still anticipate the suffering in that. That’s the ‘sad’ part from above.
“I don’t want to hang out right now.”
“I’d like to hang out with her/him, instead.”
I’m still living inside fear of that interaction.
I don’t seem to think that it’s ok to do that.
I was raised to ‘include everyone.’
This seems similar.
What if, I don’t include everyone?
What if, I just do my own thing?
Seems pretty cool. No one has a right to my time/attention.
When I was in Australia, it was very clear that Richard and Vineeto didn’t have to see me; they were happy to, but they also had their lines: they were happy to see me for a few hours every day. And they would say, “ok, that’s enough for today.” Very directly. Sometimes I would still want to stay, but obviously that is reasonable for them to decide that.
Where I live, passive-aggressiveness is the norm. People will sit in discomfort, ‘putting up’ with others, and then later complain to someone else. The funny thing is, since it’s such a small town, often the word will get back to the original person. Feelings get hurt a lot. And, little groups are formed. “Us against them.”
Why not just say, “I’d prefer to not hang out right now / I’d rather hang out with her/him” and then there’s no need for discomfort. The ball is in the court of the other, how do you respond to that? And, I don’t have to ‘put up with’ any unreasonableness. I’d rather be alone. Everyone is a little unreasonable, but given the choice I’d rather hang out with more reasonable people. Of course.
And then the unreasonable people get offended because I think they’re unreasonable / because I don’t want to hang out.
And then I don’t hang out with them because there’s more evidence of them being unreasonable. Seems like a perfect arrangement to me, honestly!
So anytime there’s an interaction, it’s an opportunity for the other to show ‘where they are at.’
This investigation has been helpful for me. My ambience around it is considerably lighter than it was earlier this morning.
–
I’m reading through Andrew’s Journal as I write this
I survived in a weird twilight between being extremely egotistical, and pathetically dependent.
This is ‘me,’ as well.
I feel like I’m dependent on others to prove my value
So, ‘I’ am valuable! I am great!!!
But, ‘I’ need them in order to have verification that I am valuable/great.
Which makes me pathetic, especially if there is any threat to their attention (toward me).
Because my narrative about what makes ‘me’ valuable, is that ‘I’ must have many friends & lovers.
That is what makes a person great, to me.
There are many, many points of origin for this belief. It seems to me that everywhere in ‘humanity’ is agreement with this belief.
The ‘many lovers’ is more split between the ‘monogamy people’ and the uhhh ‘adventurous people.’
But the many friends one seems to be universal.
Some people say, ‘better deep friends than many’
And I’ve responded by doing both:
“Ha! Checkmate! I can ‘get deep’ with anyone, instantly! I am great!!!”
But it doesn’t have a solution for rejection. Rejection still happens - and usually the more I’m rejected, the more important they seem to me, which deepens the existential hole I’m in.
“I have all these friends, but that person over there doesn’t like me and because they don’t like me, they must be important. Meaning I’m not important, and also implying that all the people that I’ve had success interacting with aren’t important.”
There are some/many people that don’t like me and I’m ok with that / not impressed by them. It’s a ladder in that sense.
I’m not willing to put down the ‘stick’ (aka, ‘attractive person’) unless I see another ‘stick’ (aka, ‘even more attractive person’).
I guess there’s no particular issue with this. I don’t have to ‘include everyone,’ and there’s no real sting with not hanging out with someone in the actual. Rejection isn’t even really rejection in the actual. The vibe-rejection doesn’t have to be a part of it.
‘I’ am still existentially rejecting, while also moralistically trying to paste over, ‘it is bad to reject, so I won’t do it.’
The best thing is to allow myself to not hang out when I don’t want to. To direct my attention toward other things or people when I want to.
Something interesting happened while this other girl was in town, which is that there were points where she wanted to not hang out with her friend (who she was visiting), she wanted to go do something else. And it was sort of offensive, to the friend.
“How can you do this, you are here to visit me, aren’t you???”
But it’s bigger than that. She is her own person, she goes where she will, different things are interesting to her at different times. She is operating in the world.
And that’s the same as me: I am operating in the world. I change my mind, I go here, I go there, different things capture my attention.
I’m not setting out to offend/hurt/inconvenience anyone, but I am rambling the world.
I’m only 32, and I was quite the wallflower for a lot of my life. I am still ‘learning the ropes’ in social engagement. That involves a certain amount of exploration. I’d be lying to myself to say anything otherwise. And I can just tell people that when I meet them: I’m still exploring. That’s what Henry is doing.
If they want me to be doing something else, that’s a bit silly of them. That’s their desire. Because, that is not what I am doing.
What a funny thing that is: we point at someone else, “you are doing the wrong thing. You need to do what I want you to do. Hey, stop. Do this, instead.”
And then we get mad at them because of it. Often it works, too!!!
“Oh sorry! Ok, I’ll stop!”
How often have I been totally confused by why someone was upset, but still changing what I was doing (often in drastic ways) because of their upset?
The depths of illness.
And then the vibe is: sulking. Fearfully skulking in shadows, still trying to get ‘my’ crumbs but terrified of ‘getting caught.’
‘Getting caught,’ wow that one is telling. It’s like I’m afraid of someone eating me.
–
This is me, too.
I never realized it, but I was raised essentially puritanically. I thought it was atheistically, but there are deep roots in the moral-emotional way I was raised of the Puritan religion.
The mommy’s boy observation rings true for me.
Richard and Vineeto informed me in no uncertain terms that ‘I’ had to do it. They couldn’t ‘give it to me.’
And I, too, find myself attracted to those that self-identify as, ‘damaged.’
I feel that I must ‘help them.’
And then, I feel ‘trapped by them.’
That’s what all the drama above is about.
–
Something that has helped me a lot in understanding the above was seeing the mechanism of ‘disgust’ (a form of aversion).
In ‘disgust,’ the signal I was getting was, “I don’t want to eat that.”
But the beauty of existence is, I don’t have to eat it! If I choose not to, I simply don’t eat it.
So, all these situations where disgust is arising, and I ‘grin and bear it’ and eat it anyway, I didn’t have to do that.
When disgust arises I can notice, “ah, this is one of those disgust-situations!” Recognize that ‘I’ don’t like something that is happening, and try to come to a sensible/experiential decision, rather than an instinctually-derived decision.
With all of the above, my ‘disgust’ was, “I have to hang out with this person.”
Recognizing that, I can say: No I do not. Also, the disgust is clouding my judgment. What is really going on?
To use the food metaphor, I could say things like:
“This apple is rotten, I will not eat it.”
“There is another not rotten apple over there.”
Maybe,
“This apple is rotten but it is the only food I have, so I will drop ‘disgust’ and eat it anyway.”
and:
“This apple has some rotten spots, but I can cut them out and enjoy the parts of the apple that are not rotten.”
By not grinning and bearing it, I am sensitive to information.
Something I have been doing with some frequency lately, is biting into an apple, being aware of a subtle moldy flavor, I know from experience that it won’t just ‘go away’ if I keep eating - that ‘moldy ambience’ tends to permeate the whole apple- and so, with no second thought or even disgust, I throw that apple away and perhaps try a different one or eat something else. It’s quite easy.
So, with all this romance stuff, there’s so much emotion that it’s difficult for me to be loose about my decisions, everything is weighted by ‘import.’
It’s almost as if I’m faced with literally throwing a human being into a garbage can, or faced with literally taking a knife to another human being and physically cutting out the ‘rotten bits’, by force.
Not exactly a pleasant image! And, sometimes, in a break-up, people will respond as if I was literally stuffing them into a garbage bin.
But, I am not. I am freely going my own separate way, and the actual world is right there if only they could see it in that moment.
But they can’t/couldn’t, because ‘being’ was in the way.
Because we are all born with ‘being’
Because it’s what evolutionarily got us here; it is quite literally in our DNA.
This has really been sinking in this year for me.
I am a SOCIAL identity. The clue was in the name the whole time. 
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‘I’ am ‘humanity’, and ‘humanity’ is ‘me!’
These words have tremendous subtlety and significance 
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(Cont.)
I’m remembering Richard saying people thought he was crazy for risking his relationship again and again for the sake of freedom.
That’s what I’m doing, too. I’m being happy & harmless & direct even when maybe it will result in her not wanting to be with me anymore.
I have some morbid curiosity of what will happen…
In the past, every time I’ve stepped into a more free space, she has followed.
“Where go the men-folk, the women-folk follow”
Not as like a law, but with becoming free first it was Richard (boy-from-the-farm/adventurer), then it was Peter (a male play-mate), then it was Vineeto.
And now it’s Henry… what is Henry ‘being?’
Obsessed certainly… a snot-nosed kid, out to prove himself… a bit distracted by ‘girls…’
Discouraged by the social reception of ‘free…’
‘I’ want them to like me, to love me.
I’ll have to settle for, doing what’s best even though they can’t recognize it / don’t like it / are threatened by it.
That’s what’s happening for me in this moment. I’m afraid of what will happen if everyone rejects me / what I think / what I am.
Why settle? It can be the best. I just have to get there.
(edit: “a bit distracted by girls” is the understatement of the century. That’s ok… I’ll be fascinated by whatever is in front of me, up to & including ‘girls’)
Curiosity of what will happen against morbidity of status quo*
I can feel morbidity. ‘Me’ dying
Distraction is a nature’s bait for sexual intercourse. We know that. If there are no/fewer emotional needs, it gets far simpler. But the need for validation, love, security, a tonic to loosen up ourselves and freedom from hostile emotions that drain us make this whole mating game complex.
Working out by removing the parameter emotions for the time being–
If there are no emotions, would you want sex as much as you do now?
If there was an AI sex-robot with all the relevant variables including temperature, moisture, texture, and their unpredictability/predictability as you’d fancy which can give you much better physical sensations, would you desire that more? If not, why?
Would masturbation be a considerably less a pleasurable activity than sex?
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Hmm… certainly not as a ‘must.’ Ironically that might result in having sex more. Guess I’ll just have to become free to find out.
It’s not the same… something I frequently experience when I’m in a PCE is a vast sense of ‘context’ that I can’t seem to ‘keep track of’ when I’m ‘me.’ Intimacy with an actual human is experientially different than with a robot of some kind, no matter how ‘realistic.’
Physically it could still be enjoyable, but not the same. The same goes for masturbation. I might still do it when I’m free, I’m not sure. But obviously not because of lust.
–
I loosened up my sense of ‘neediness’ for female company last night somewhat, and my drive into work today was experientially-noticeably more open, I was thinking about more things, I was open to more possibilities, not everything was about girls/sex. It was nice. I can see that becoming free is very, very large. Still more to go, but I’m circling the drain at this time.
12|15|21
‘Feeling perfect’
As a center to my contemplation, right now.
What I’ve always wanted: to be perfect / to be doing the perfect thing.
Obviously it is not perfect, to be making a big fuss when someone doesn’t like me, or chooses someone else over me. That is an expression of their interest, and it is not for me to question that. That is theirs.
It is not perfect to make a big fuss when something in this world does not go ‘my way.’ Of course it didn’t go ‘my way,’ the world is larger than I am. It has things going on that I know nothing about. Most things going on are far outside my purview.
And that is the situation. How can I complain about, ‘outside my purview?’ It’s what makes this universe the wonderful jungle-gym that it actually is.
And, it is simply how things are. For me to complain, is to miss what is happening. What is actually happening, now. And there’s really no one to effectively complain to: my fellow human-beings can’t change it anyway, and there is no ‘Big Man’ out there who can.
How funny that is, we twist our little child-instincts into asking some imaginary sky-being for guidance. The height of delusion-comedy, really.
On top of that, it’s common to then get so serious about one’s ‘purpose,’ ‘chosen aims,’ that they/we/I roam around with a scowl, daring anyone to ‘get in my way.’ Really I’m in my own way…
The normal alternatives being, wander around sadly-pathetically, hoping someone or something will ‘come along’ and ‘save us’ from ‘the sad…’
Another alternative, puffing up one’s chest, insisting to all and sundry that we ‘have the answers,’ that we are ‘awesome,’ surprised in a day or a week that it didn’t hold up
All a facade.
–
To be replaced by naive hope-less-ness
Present-time awareness
Enjoyment, appreciation, of what is
Perfection, ‘feeling perfect’
–
I’ve been getting glimpses/re-memories lately of some moments when I was FAR more aware-naive-feeling-good than I am at this moment, which are opening my eyes to how far I have to go, that I am missing something.
It is a good sign that I am remembering these things, it means I’m close enough / naive enough TO remember them
And now I understand (better) the inter-plays of how these things work, too. It’s no longer random to me.
But weirdly the gap seems largest (?) when I’m in something of a clear-aware space… I can see how NOT clear-aware. Maybe because the distances involved are so great
It reminds me of interstellar distance, you can have your mind blown by how far away the Moon is, but then you jump to like “how far away is the Sun” and be mind-blown by that for awhile, and then you can think about Saturn, or Pluto, sit there dumbfounded for awhile, but then it’s like wait…. Proxima Centauri!!!
I’m being a bit too analytical/intellectual to properly see what’s happening. Having a fun & interested time, though.
I’ve been getting glimpses/re-memories lately of some moments when I was FAR more aware-naive-feeling-good than I am at this moment, which are opening my eyes to how far I have to go, that I am missing something.
Yes, the ‘ceiling’ is way higher than I can normally see… even as a human…
I have these stacked up psyches/beliefs which get in the way of pure experiencing now
Can you please explain what you mean by “context”? For me, I lacked context in PCE/EE. As in, there was nothing to get a high or depressed about, whereas “me” tends to contextualise activities and feel good or bad about them.
I think it’s the re-emergence of my actual memories, usurping the status of ‘my’ normal priorities. Normally, as you say, everything is referenced back to feelings, and on top of that we tend to obsess over perseverate on just a few select thoughts/concepts. For me it’s been, ‘girls-sex-friends-fun-money-work.’ The mental ‘space’ is pretty small, and heavily clouded by emotion.
In the actual, my mind is free-wheeling and picking memories, thoughts, and facts from all kinds of surprising parts of my brain that I haven’t accessed in a long long time, and taking associations in surprising non-habitual directions. Vineeto describes it as one of the first characteristics she notices when she becomes free:
For instance I noted that sentences were now coming out of me as if from nowhere – there was no causal sequence of thoughts preceding a conclusion (such as because A there is B and therefore C) but my thoughts/words were rather emerging from a surprising overall all-encompassing awareness that then voiced results out of a reservoir of my accumulated knowledge and experience on a particular topic.
This has a similar character to what I’m describing.
I experience this as a much larger ‘context,’ everything I have ever learned is accessible/flowing, rather than things being indexed back to sex or money or whatever it may be for you. It may be related to the experience of infinitude as well, rather than the well-trod highways of ‘humanity.’
12|16|21
Feeling a bit of rejection today as a past & prospective partner is seeming reluctant to see me
I’ve been getting glimpses of the possibility & simplicity of not centering/prioritizing ‘girls,’ and this is one of the moments where this gap is apparent
Over there, in the actual, is ‘easy,’ ‘nothing matters,’ ‘no problem,’ ‘actually, this is an excellent state of affairs!’
Here, is: ‘me,’ ‘I want,’ ‘why doesn’t she,’ ‘I’m not good enough.’
And the subtle & not-so-subtle pressures that come along with that.
–
She’s experiencing fear, doubt, hope, etc. etc.
As well as, she has her own intelligence informing her of what’s best to do.
And equally for me.
That human activity is what got us here, and what got all of us here.
That’s the current state of things: the world as-it-is, with people-as-they-are.
I remember how confusing it was for me a few years ago, before I went down the rabbit hole. Trying to succeed at, ‘normal.’
That’s where she is, trying to balance ‘normal’ and some hopeful version of ‘doing well.’
She’s not sure how I fit into that. I probably seem a bit strange. Very understandably, ha.
I’m not about to change. Not in that way. I’m remembering the people leaving the convivium in the fear-fuelled-flurry. And that was right before Peter & Vineeto became free. There’s something in those contrasting events that’s very interesting to me. They’re related.
If she’s not quite sure how to exist around me, or she has trepidation, that’s ok. It’s very understandable. I might even go so far as to say, I understand. I appreciate everything she’s done. I think she’s a little misguided in her approach, but so is everyone. It’s no insult, it takes nothing away from her. Where she is.
I have that recent ambience-experience-surprise from last week. Some of the closest connection I’ve ever had with anyone, no need to hide anything, just saying what came to mind, just being the outcome of everything that has come before, each-moment-again. It was being supported by the understanding-connection-support that was being given from outside of me. But now, I have to give myself that, because I can’t count on it coming from outside. If anything, I can count on it NOT coming.
I’ve been noticing the ‘gappy’ nature of ‘human,’ of ‘me.’ ‘I’ leave the actuality for some fear-fantasy.
That’s what everyone is doing all the time, leaving now. Leaving perfection. I guess that’s normal. The chasm that ‘I’ create.
It’s not even ‘leaving,’ because I was never there to start with.
I’m in the way.
I’m in the way of her perfection, too.
I’m still in, “I want” and then wanting to complain about what she’s doing.
The world is a perfect situation, I’m just stepping in.
It’s literally great that she gets to decide what she’s doing, it’s literally great that she gets to delay/stall/determine what she wants. She’s feeling me out; that’s what people do.
She has her own fears & emotional traumas, and that’s not something I can like ‘argue away.’ It’s what’s happening. I can’t unwind it via willpower or something.
By removing my own objections, I’m creating the clearest & cleanest environment/ambience possible.
That means, “I have no objections to any outcome.”
That means, “I will not attempt to influence you on the psychodynamic plane.”
I will say things. I will do what I view as, ‘the best for me, her, and everyone.’ But, it cannot come from ‘me.’ I know what that leads to. I don’t want that anymore.
I don’t have any integrity in myself in that situation, either.
It’s coming from insecurity. It’s obvious. I’m just so used to swimming in those waters.
There is a ‘human logic’ in, “I feel bad” = “I bet if I had a girl / the right girl / that girl over there, I would feel good” = “I got the girl! I’m having fun!” = “I’m no longer having fun, this must be the wrong girl” = “She is doing the wrong things” = “I’m alone-lonely, I feel bad, because I don’t have a girl.”
It makes perverse sense. I could chase that the rest of my life.
–
I did something neat last night: I could see I was afraid of rejection. To the point of, fearing death. Somehow, it was energetically connected.
And I just replaced that image (“Death”) with, sitting at home on my own, drinking tea.
That’s what ‘being alone’ actually is. A nice cup of tea. The sun streaming in the window. Cozy by myself. That is what will happen when, “alone” happens. Rejection loses its sting.
It helped a lot.
–
That’s relevant with that situation, today. “She doesn’t want to see me,” = “Tea.”
So sweet. Especially if I put honey in it! Yum!
Usually that moment (“Alone”) turns into, “wallowing.”
When “wallowing” is happening, I don’t even think to make tea for myself, or to look out the window. Perhaps I could muster gazing out the window despondently. That’s what seems interesting to ‘Henry.’
Seems like a silly bloke tbh, this ‘Henry’ fellow!
–
This unraveling is far beyond what I could see or expect. It’s happening so rapidly. I never predicted it would be like this.
It’s coming out of what I saw maybe a month ago, the sweetness that is intimacy with now. The sweetness of connecting with another without ‘cerebral,’ ‘being right’ in the way. The outcome of that is the loss of love. The loss of ‘insecure.’ I’m surprised.
I’m so bold, too, now. It was a little odd experiencing with my partner yesterday because I’ve never been this bold with her before. There was always some hiding. I had an anxiety because I wasn’t sure what would happen with being that bold, but I was doing it anyway. I couldn’t not anymore. And it’s only led to more closeness-intimacy.
My objections are dropping away! I’m like Srinath was. There are so few objections anymore. It could happen at any time, now.
I had some emotional-insecurity things come up last night, and I uncovered & removed them so quickly. It was stark, too. Loneliness was right there. And I just took it away. And then I moved on to the next thing.
And then today, ‘insecurity’ came up, ‘rejection’ came up, but it is perfect. She/it/the situation/I really (actually?) am perfect. Just as things are going.
The entire process of becoming free hasn’t gone how ‘I’ imagined it would.
So, how could ‘I’ know what she is going to do? If she will become free (or even more free)? Or what that would look like, if she were to? It’s nothing but a pressure. ‘Me’ placing pressure. Which…. is an obstacle to freedom. ‘I’ throw some traffic barriers in the road because ‘I’ want something. Wow. That is what is happening.
It’s so cruel of me! It’s so selfishly cruel.
All because I feel insecure.
She’s a person, she was a child before. Trying to understand what to do. Trying to live. And I have to show up and throw obstacles in the way for her to deal with.
Because I’m so important to myself.
And I’m just being human, too. It’s not even anything to feel bad about. It’s what it is, to ‘be human.’
But I don’t have to do that anymore.
Why not become free, right now? It’s right there.
It’s like everyone I’ve ever met is cheering me on. They want me to be happy.
It’s so light and sweet
All the argumentative edgelords in the world will keep arguing with me because they have to prove themselves, just as all this time I’ve had to prove myself to them.
That’s ok.
People will still try to manipulate me.
I can become unmanipulatable. Nothing to manipulate.
I’m trying to ‘imagine’ that, but it’s unimaginable.
I think it was Geoffrey that said, after he was free, that the idea of ever not enjoying & appreciating becomes ridiculous. “Enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, is what I do.”
It’s as simple as that. Always enjoying & appreciating. Always free, always perfect, always peace-on-earth.
It’s always perfect and it always has been perfect.
I don’t have to wait any longer.
‘Humanity’ doesn’t have to be me any longer.
I’m like the little kid on christmas morning again, delighting in playing. In a new place each moment again.
–
Some subtle objection still… what is….
I want others to agree with me
I know they won’t
I want them to be nice to me
I know they won’t
Normally when those things happen, I ‘jump’
I don’t have to jump
It can be perfect
There’s a part of me that’s disbelieving
But I can never know ‘for 100%.’
There’s always that leap of faith aspect.
I allow it to happen, not knowing for 100% what will happen.
That makes me shiver existentially
A leap of faith. But I’ve already been human, ‘me.’ I know that discomfort. And there are already loads of people being human, ‘me.’ That ground has been covered. There is pioneering to be done in the actual.
I originally wanted to be come free because I could immediately see that it was the best possible. That’s what I want, the best possible.
Do I want it enough to make that leap? To ‘close the gap.’
The gap is the chasm
I existentially hang over the chasm when I take that leap
I’ve been depressed before. I can do it again. I’m not afraid of that as an outcome.
Reading reddit, someone reported struggling and I had a pang of compassion
I’m afraid for him, I sympathize-empathize.
I already know where that leads. Perfection is right there as an alternative
–
Exhaustion, combined with being overwhelmed by others’ high-energy chaos.
Could use a nap
What can I do with this situation
It’s a lot more tangible & visceral than it has been. This situation is happening, I’m choosing suffering over perfection.
I’m worried over others’ experience
Feeling responsible for their suffering, too
They’re interested in chaos right now
They’re existing chaotically
There’s overwhelm there, too
Their chaos-overwhelm-anxiety is threatening to me, why?
I think I’m going two directions with it, I’m repulsed by it but it has seduction for me too, it sounds “fun” and then I’m afraid that maybe I’m a “stick-in-the-mud”
But I’m also afraid of oblivion, of being ‘out of control.’ Of ‘hurting someone’ from being so ‘out of control.’
I don’t have to be either, just do what’s sensible
The best of all worlds
Chaos & order aren’t really opposites anyway, they’re human inventions. It’s all just flying around at all times. That’s the infinitude. There are patterns, but they’re not really of ‘my invention’ anyway.
To someone else I’ll look like a stick-in-the-mud, to someone else I’ll look chaotic. There’s no getting around those labels coming from others.
And really the problem is that I seem to ‘have a problem’ with their chaos… of course they’re chaotic, that’s what they’re doing. People are chaotic sometimes. Whatever that means. That’s what they’re doing. I don’t have to.
I’m tired of propping myself up like some authority on how to live. I don’t know. I know some things from experience but I don’t know everything. I don’t need to always be telling others what’s what. It’s just as well that others are living different lives than me.
–
Wow, this is big.
Any space can be explored, I can go anywhere.
I had whole aspects that were ‘off limits’
I’d decided they were too scary (“too chaotic”)
But it’s only because of some ‘bad experiences’ I had awhile back.
And the only way I know they’re ‘bad experiences’ is that I felt afraid / feel afraid.
What does it look like without fear?
What is it like, to exist there, as a free man?
What is it like to exist here as a free man?
I don’t get to be an authority anymore
I don’t get the perceived security of being an authority on how to live anymore
The ultimate security comes from being this body
There’s no security in ‘reality,’ ‘humanity.’
Maybe I’ll change my mind, be ‘a hypocrite’ in the eyes of others
This is so wild to me right now. I can see how tightly I’ve held myself. Trying to be ‘in control,’ trying to find ‘the formula’
I’ve made people uncomfortable. I threaten them: “Henry knows best”
I remember my dad has done that a lot. “I know best”
All for my own security. I’m afraid of what could happen.
Everything can happen. That’s what’s happening: everything. That’s the infinitude, too: everything.
Seems a bit big, haha
Just a touch big
–
Why not, freedom?
Because I’m scared of infinitude.
Well… that’s what’s happening. I’m scared of what’s happening. I’m holding back from experiencing it completely.
That’s the life-well-lived that I’ve been after. I can’t back down now.
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12|20|21
Extremely eye-openingly bumpy time the last few days with relationship / insecurity / ‘rivals.’
Anger, sorrow, misery in full swing
Lots of believed imagination of ‘what is happening’
Freedom / eatmoba far away
Luckily was able to remind myself to get back to some semblance of feeling good before attempting to decide anything or to understand the situation
Morality has made the situation more difficult going backward in time because I’ve severely limited my own options / been dogmatic about what the options available are. Loosening that up brought an obvious sense of relief that then allowed me to see the situation considerably more clearly
Still plenty of emotion behind anything that comes up.
Treading with a degree of caution right now.
I’m clearly clinging extremely tightly to love, relationship, & sexual desire
I don’t know what it will take for me to drop them but it’s obvious the suffering & unreasonableness that they produce.
& the pain. Experiencing a lot of pain.
The other day I stopped my friend from consoling me for something. I could see that the consoling was preventing me from seeing what my emotion consisted of. All the consoling and compassion keeps everyone in humanity.
All this pain is what she was trying to protect me from.
I was alone with my partner’s dog and I could see that my suffering was effecting the dog. The dog didn’t know what to do, it was confused. It probably thought it was doing something wrong.
Need to get back to feeling good somehow for this to be productive.
I can already see clearly the pain, I don’t need more of that at this moment lol. The evidence is there.
I’m actually reminded a bit of the dread Richard experienced when he became free… during the period he was Enlightened he was protected from the dread. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt pain like this. I’ve had defense mechanisms built up for some years. Maybe ‘smart’ was doing some of that protecting. And suppressing anger for so long kept the fullness of it from expressing. I never let myself go down that road, I’d make myself feel bad instead. Which ironically protected me from really big fear. That’s pretty interesting. I guess I was blaming the world for my problems instead of taking it on fully myself.
I’m still blaming her a lot. That’s making less and less sense. She’s suffering too. And most of the things that I’m mad at her about are in my imagination. They literally never happened.
Another aspect is that it’s ok for me to express that I want something to be different. I’ve not allowed myself to do that much, in the name of ‘her independence.’ But I can see now that it’s a different thing. It’s ok and necessary for me to express my preferences.
A lot of nurture pulling at my heart. Literal pain from it.
The core of my suffering has to do with my beliefs about what my partner should be doing in relation to me, what I’m allowed to do, and my fears of possible outcomes of those things.
Obviously there are a ton of different possible outcomes, but the scariest one would consist of: she doesn’t like me / she is just using me / I am useless / no one will be attracted to me / she will go be with a rival instead
Especially interesting because of the huge amount of possible outcomes, like really there is a bunch of life happening that has nothing to do with her or ‘relationship,’ or me for that matter. So then I’m obsessing over not only this specifically, but also with trying to prevent one particular especially scary outcome.
And being so afraid of that particular outcome makes my ambience not fun at all to be around. Actually painful. The dog was feeling it and it’s the same for people.
And I’m still blaming her for my problems. It’s really not her fault that I’m having a bad time.
Overall the last few months have been really good. Certainly not flawless perfection all the time, but really good. It seems whenever she’s in town my emotional tone goes off the rails. I guess that’s the love at work.
When I’m by myself I’m pretty focused on becoming free / perfection, but when there’s a girl in the picture so much of the energy is directed toward romantic love. I wonder how long I’ll keep up this drama. It’s always been there in the past. I even remember feeling love for a girl in my class in Kindergarten. And actually now that I remember back there was a girl that lived in my neighborhood when I was even younger.
And obviously it’s the game that humanity has been playing since time out of mind. Just about any media you can find out there is love-positive.
It all feels very nice until she starts doing things that I don’t want her to do. Then everything shifts to hyper-fear.
I could just say fear but it is intense.
Can I be more interested in fascination of what is happening / what will happen / “how it works” than interested in being afraid?
Somewhat. Right now I’m definitely very fearful of those outcomes.
Maybe I can become free of it by looking at it as directly as possible.
This has been tricky for me because so often in the past it was an intellectual process that didn’t always ‘stick.’ I wonder how I could make it as actual as possible.
Maybe by listening to Richard and getting back to a good space first haha
I’ll have some decaf coffee as a treat, maybe that will help.
There wasn’t time at the cafe for me to get my drink before I had to be back at work, so I’ll have to go back there
I could see that as ‘time was running out,’ that I was feeling some panic
I remember working at a cafe and trying to work through the line (the girl was alone as well) and that sense of panic infecting because everyone had their own ‘time is running out’
The whole day I’d be rushing here and there because I was trying to be fast for everyone
But all I wanted was a treat so I could feel better and that was enough reason for me to panic. And thinking I had to perform in some certain way with work. It’s ok. Nothing bad is really happening.
It’s obvious too that my overall anxiety-vibe was what created my fear in that situation, too. Usually I’m way more patient than that. I’ve seen that a lot, once fear is the overall state it takes over just about anything.
Starting to get pretty sick of myself!!! But it takes more than just ‘sick of myself’ to become free. It can be motivation to do what needs to be done though.
It’s funny too, I am feeling better even though I haven’t gotten that decaf coffee (yet!). Because I noticed that vibe thing. It was enjoyable to make that connection. There’s inherent satisfaction in noticing things.
It’s just a question of noticing things around these really thorny, difficult, painful emotions and beliefs
Only for me are they thorny, difficult, painful. In the actual world they’re none of these.
For me, right now, I still experience those emotions in conjunction with events and anticipating certain events. That’s what belief is: these events are bad. These events are good.
Making out is good, attention is good.
Though. I’ve been in situations before where I didn’t want to make out, and in situations where I didn’t want someone’s attention.
So then it’s about, if I desire it. Desire is good. Well, that’s just a circle.
I know it’s good because it feels good
When a pretty girl looks at me it feels good, I like it, so it’s good
When a pretty girl ignores me / looks at someone else, it feels bad, I don’t like it, so it’s bad.
And then all my closest friends and indeed most of humanity all agree with me about that, so I guess it’s just reality. Destined to suffer forever in those situations.
That’s where I am right now… I can only barely see a way out. It’s like looking through a keyhole. For some reason, I keep seeing this snow-covered mountain through the keyhole. There are a lot of mountains where I live. I bet I had a PCE and was looking at the mountains, once. And so I’m comparing: my girl-centric reality, and this perfection as demonstrated by this wonderful perfect mountain. And actually everything is wonderful and perfect, just like this mountain. But I’m still inside this room, locked in here as ‘me.’ But I am peeking out, too. I wonder what it will take for me to open the door and leave forever.
I really do care about her. Earlier I was getting so mad and I caught myself because I was worried about her dying, but then here she is actually alive, and actually a really pleasant person to be around her, and I choose to be mad at the currently-alive her. The fear of her dying is for ‘me,’ just as my anger is for ‘me’ and my desire is for ‘me.’ It’s all for me.
And as long as me is there, I’ll keep feeling mad toward her. Which makes her feel bad. Just as a matter of fact, it does.
And I’ll keep trying to control her.
The very thing that I can’t stand when other people do it to me.
I want her to be free and happy! What am I doing?
I’m stuck because I’m still afraid of those certain situations.
They still automatically feel bad for me. They’re still there as belief.
I’m somehow constrained in how I’m thinking about this. I keep trying to use the same strategy over and over and I keep running into a wall. Maybe it’s a good time to read over the method again.
–
This seems to be my trouble right now:
Peter: A willingness or intent to make freedom from malice and sorrow one’s main ambition in life – to become happy and harmless.
That is not currently my main ambition in life. My main ambition in life is still, ‘talk to / impress / sleep with pretty girls.’
Somewhere along the way, I lost the thread. It must have been years ago. I’ve been a fake actualist this whole time.
Luckily I was faking just enough to make actual progress. Convenient! Maybe lucky? Just enough pure intent to make it this far. Thank you, actual world. The benevolence is indeed palpable.
For that matter, ‘I’ did quite a bit of work in terms of getting myself off my ass and wanting to connect with the actual world, even if it did end up being quite a bit about that particular goal.
It’s interesting, when I was in Ballina Richard didn’t try to discourage me in this. He saw that it was my greatest motivator. He encouraged me. “That is the most attractive Henry. Go become the most attractive Henry.”
And then now I’m here. It’s pretty neat.
More powerful than I’ve ever been, more chaotic than I’ve ever been, and with that view through the keyhole. And with a human being that I do care for and that I am motivated to be peaceful with and who just by existing constantly reveals ‘my’ hypocrisy to myself. I’d be very embarrassed about it if I didn’t have some context. ‘I’ am by my nature a hypocrite. But I don’t have to keep being a hypocrite.
Hm hmmmmm.
I’ve started noticing how long these entries are. I remember in school it seemed like such a chore to write a paper. And just now I’ve banged out 9 pages and it’s a joy, in less than 2 hours. There’s nothing I’d rather be doing than this. I guess I feel some pride about that. That’s ok, I can pat myself on the back. Good job, Henry! Very studious. Once again, it’s gotten me this far. Neat.
–
Ok, how can I redirect my ambition at this stage? What does it take?
I’m such a hypocrite for being mad at her. I want her to be free. Is that enough?
I’ll do it to the next girl I see, too. I just know it.
Unless I stop now. Now, is the only time I can stop. (Thanks to @JonnyPitt for his reminders!!)
Well my ambience has already shifted considerably since an hour ago / 2 hours ago / 6 hours ago. Massively, actually. That is encouraging.
Why not keep going?
I want to be certain that I will stand up for myself. It has a similar character to what @Kiman was pointing out: not being walked all over by others. In this case, by her. I constantly sell out because I’m so worried she’ll leave.
The selling out via worry leads to the anger. The anger is connected to my sense of powerlessness, because there is no way I can keep anyone from leaving. It breaks my heart.
The anger also scares her, too. It makes her feel weak, powerless, threatened, depressed, anxious. She gets angry in response, too.
It’s so tumultuous.
Another girl asked me last week, in response to that tumult, “why are people like this?”
–
More to do, but for now it’s time to take care of errands. Questions still running.
I think the currency that any pleasure or fantasy command is based on the difference between the present state and the emotions that fantasies can create. It’s like the electric force between positive charge and negative charge. The stronger either of the charges, the stronger will be the resultant force.
So the more you enjoy present, the more will the fantasies pall.
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This is a fantastic analogy, it makes a ton of sense.
I used to frequently do this little mind-escape mini-fantasy where I would have a blip of thinking about playing soccer or hockey, like dribbling the ball for 1 second. And with your example that situation makes perfect sense, I’m momentarily exiting my ‘bad’ affect-charge to escape to whatever happens to look ‘good.’
And then larger charges drive our actions all the time. The ‘normal background’ is that building negative charge, and there are bursts of energy into the positive. The negative creates the escaping toward positive.
‘Selfing’ can only happen when there’s a sufficient buildup of fear-charge, without any buildup there are no electrical impulses into the positive, and the whole thing just stops when more charge isn’t being generated.
This is great, thanks!
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