John's Journal

Journals
1

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum.

I thought I’d give journaling a try to see if this is a good way of getting established with better doing the actualism method.

I recently had an experience where someone accused me of something and I could see how it clearly kicked me out of feeling good. There was also a specific point where this happened which was when I read a pm this person had sent to me where they accused me of lying and generally being a bad person. It was clear that they were writing from anger and what they wrote was clearly written to make me feel bad and cause some kind or response rather than trying to work out the situation which from my side was simply a matter of misunderstanding.

I tend to avoid conflicts like this since they it almost feels like it hurts when I get kicked out from feeling good and going about with my life. I can see how it’s a silly thing to feel bad about, but it’s almost like that feeling has a life of it’s own and it’s difficult to let go of it and go back to feeling good when it’s strong and pulsing with power at that time.

When you do the investigation, does it help to have a spreadsheet or something where you write down the triggers that kick you out since it seems for me that what I have left is a few strong parts of me that keep coming back over and over. But not all over the place but rather some reoccurring topics that might be useful to map and clearly see to help let go of them.

I’m not much of a reader, especially on the screen but I’ll try to look at some of the other journals to see what other people are experiencing and have that help me see the same things which are probably occurring in me as well.

2

It definitely doesn’t happen automatically the first time, it can take some practice and determination to get into the habit. I’ve found that it helps most to just be happy when you do catch it and get back to feeling good, whether that’s 2 hours, 2 days, or 2 weeks later! And then you can get down to the business of analyzing/understanding and seeing the silliness of it so it doesn’t have to bother you the next time.

With some success with that process/pattern, then you’ll find that you catch these things a bit sooner over time. But it definitely doesn’t help to give yourself a hard time for ‘taking so long’ or worrying that it’s not happening fast enough - that’s just another way that ‘you’ the aggressor or ‘you’ the worrier wins out. Be gentle but determined, and you’ll find that it changes over time.

Couldn’t hurt to try! You might notice some themes. Make sure to be feeling good while doing that investigation, have fun with it! I’ve done a good amount of writing and analysis myself in all kinds of forms and the mistake I made repeatedly was that I was overly serious with it which ultimately only leads in circles and as I mentioned above only reinforces that identity.

The method is ultimately very simple - rememorate the PCE via enjoying & appreciating, and investigate (while feeling good!) anything that leads you away from that. So when in doubt, just enjoy & appreciate - it really is that simple! And if you find on the way that you want to do this or that form of investigation, go for it! There are no rules with this thing.

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3

Thank you for this, it’s been very helpful. I’ve been focusing on the enjoying part of my experience more than the part of not feeling good (which is often more in your face)

It’s been working pretty well the last few days and there’s a feeling of an upwards spiral rather than a downwards spiral. Instead of trying to kick myself out of feeling bad I can feel that I’m more focused on feeling good and seeing how I’m being kicked out of that if it makes sense.

I have to say that I don’t fully understand investigation. Is there a good description of what it is and in what ways one can do it?

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4

The best way to think about investigation is, ‘the process of learning more about yourself.’ This can take many forms, but the most important is simply watching with interested (even fascinated!) attention all the different ways that we operate. A ‘normal’ self is frequently working overtime to hide, so just doing this will illuminate huge amounts. The same thing goes for closely observing others around you. You could add to this doing things like reading more of the actualism site or if you find yourself stuck on certain issues you could search the site or the forum for any related topics or discussions, there is almost always something! In addition to this researching and learning about psychology and history, even the news is frequently very educational with regards to how we operate. It is good to remember with these you’re also exposed to many assumptions that are baked into cultural belief systems, so remember not to just credulously believe everything you read. In fact Richard strongly urges people not to just believe him as well - you must go find out for yourself, this is what investigation is all about. That is also why firsthand experience is always the most useful.

In that sense, what you describe above as “working pretty well the last few days, with a feeling of an upwards spiral” is already excellent investigation - you tried a certain way of doing things, and found encouraging results. That’s great! Similarly, other past life experiences that haven’t gone as smoothly are also useful sources of information which inform your understanding of things.

You can see it’s pretty open ended, and I think that is for the best - it is for you to go find out for yourself, as you best know how to or learn how to. The main thing is to have some connection to pure intent, and then to chase that. Investigation is just a tool in service of that pursuit.

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5

Pure intent, that is another part of the practice I don’t fully understand.

If I understand you correctly. Investigation, is about seeing how being a feeling being is inferior to living life without the feeling being who reacts to everything and controlled by it’s feeling. I see that more clearly in people around me when there is conflict or they feel they don’t get the attention they want and then they create drama. More and more that just seems like an incredibly pointless and silly thing to do.

The more I’m enjoying just being here, the less it makes sense to get upset by others getting upset.

It is easier to not get carried along with others when they feel scorned and less likely for me to feel mistreated even though it’s harder to not follow my own bad feelings than others.

So investigating would be to see in more and more instances how life is better without a feeling being inside us who controls us if I understand it correctly?

This is one part where I don’t quite understand what you mean? Could you talk a bit more about this?

Another interesting thing is that when I looked at the way Richard wrote in the past with highlighting certain things others say and then addressing them directly felt almost like he was attacking them. But I’m more and more seeing how this is simply a useful way of holding an online conversation. Most likely I felt triggered by what was being said and therefore I felt this way before.

6

Hi John,

I’d recommend reading more about pure intent here and here.

Pure intent is an actually-occurring stream of benevolence which connects ‘you’ to the actual world. You can use that ‘golden thread’ to trace your way back to the actual world. Have you had any PCEs that you can recall?

You bring up a few examples of this in your reply:

It’s always easier to notice the silliness of others’ emotional reactions than one’s own, because we are frequently in denial or defensive of our own emotional reactions… they always feel important or necessary in the moment. This denial/defense is one way that we hide. Another way is by dissociation.

I think this is a good definition. A more expansive definition might be ‘learning about all the different feeling-states humans are capable of, their outcomes, structures, and functions, as well as exploring and learning about the actual world via PCEs, excellence experiences, pure intent etc.’

This is very encouraging! Similarly you can begin to note how your own reactions/moods are counterproductive to peace and enjoyment of life.

Yes, this is a common perception. For me it was put to bed when I met Richard in 2018 and it was apparent by his lack of vibes and his friendliness that he was not attacking anyone. He was being exceedingly direct and precise about what he was talking about, and he was not avoiding any topics normally considered too sensitive to discuss. This frequently means calling people out for their nonsense, or not playing the normal games that we identities play. I will never forget sitting on Richard & Vineeto’s couch and making some self-effacing joke and getting absolutely no response from them. In the normal human ‘game,’ people are expected to laugh at such jokes, if even only faking it, to honor how ‘life is a bitch and then you die’ and other such sorrowful nonsense. I had never felt so exposed - it was apparent instantly that I was only making that joke to get some verification from others that it was ‘ok’ that I was miserable. Of course they had no interest in verifying that!

This is another example of how an identity is trying to hide, to verify and be comfortable in a life of malice & sorrow. Richard can see clearly the deplorable outcomes of allowing that to continue, and thus very directly points out the illogic and harmful effects of that continuing. For this to be pointed out to an identity can be very painful! So of course many identities will feel attacked when it happens. However, it is worth it because it gradually reveals that ‘the emperor has no clothes,’ if even only in a small percentage of cases or to someone else that might read it much later. All of this material can only be valuable to someone willing to be a bit uncomfortable and admit that one is not perfect ‘as-is’ and who is willing to put some significant effort into changing.

On a related note, it is a common outcome of good investigation to feel that one is quite ridiculous, or maybe even a bad person! It’s good when that happens to not get too ‘down’ on oneself, as of course that is just diving straight into another emotion with another narrative attached to it. It is inevitable that we will be pretty silly as an identity - in fact, it is the starting-place of a normal person. However, it is very revealing and useful to see the ways in which that ‘normal person’ is far below the standard of what is possible. In fact, that moment of seeing one’s own ridiculousness is a wonderful opportunity to do better! But one has to skip the defensiveness and denial for that to happen. It really is an incredible journey to embark on.

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7

Thank you for that link, I’ll check it out. Pure intent sounds like something I do, but the way you describe it as an “an actually-occurring stream of benevolence” sounds almost like it’s that energetic happiness I feel when I feel I’m loosing myself and getting more into seeing the world as it is. I’ve had numerous PCEs throughout the years but haven’t worked much with trying to recall them as a way of getting back into that state. I quite regularly have periods short and long where the world seems sparkly and colors popp a way they don’t normally do and everything feels peacefull and quiet. Which I wouldn’t consider full PCEs but maybe something near that.

I don’t think I have this issue. For me it’s rather that I can feel them clearly and see that I don’t want to experience them. But at times I can’t make the shift into letting them go. The phrase “I am my feelings and my feelings are me” does help many times.

So basically becoming familiar with how we work as human beeings and then comparing that to the PCE.

I often do, but there’s a lag between them happening and me being able to let go of them if I can.

This makes so much sense!

When you say it like this it makes perfect sense. One thing that I don’t understand in regards to how he wrote to people with rather harsh words at times which would sound like scoldings of those people. Do you think that is because that’s the vocabulary he has and he used to talk like that before. After Actually Free he doesn’t feel the anger but still talks to people he finds acting like idiots the same way he did before?
Or could it be that when you loose the feeling behind the words then it’s dificult to express oneself in writing without being missunderstood by someone who is a feeling beeing? I find that I enjoyed the video clips because they clearly showed how open and just there he was while answering questions.

8

I experience it primarily as a memory of the flavor of the PCE/actual world, which then I can access at any time. I can tell immediately when I am going away from it, and similarly when I remember to go towards it, it is familiar, and I can go in that direction. It is like a smell that I recognize.

Can you say more about what this lag usually looks like?

I think it is because if someone is acting like an idiot, to coddle them and be very soft with them (remember this is the prescribed christian/spiritual advice) is to give them free reign to continue to be an idiot for as long as they want to. Sometimes people need to be ‘shaken out of it’ as it were (another way of describing this: calling a spade a spade).

Also, it would be a bit different if Richard were going onto the street and haranguing passer-by in a similar manner, but this is in the context of email-lists expressly set up for those interested in understanding the human condition and possibilities therein. So now you have someone acting like an idiot and broadcasting their idiocy to all the other seekers as well as ‘clogging the airways.’

All of this behavior acts to delay or distract from the potential peace-on-earth, so you can see the utility in again being very direct.

I found an example from the Actualism site: Richard describes Noam Chomsky as the ‘wankasaurus of the century.’ This seems a bit out of line, especially coming from someone professing to ‘be’ peace and harmony, no? But here is his explanation:

The name-calling without substance came from (for example) the editorial departments of The New Yorker, The New York Times, and The Guardian (“The New Yorker called him ‘one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century’; The New York Times called him: ‘the most important intellectual alive’; The Guardian declared that he: ‘ranks with Marx, Shakespeare, and the Bible as one of the ten most quoted sources in the humanities’.”) and not this keyboard … do you really think I would write something, on a mailing list specifically set-up to discuss peace and harmony, I was unable to support?

For just one instance of Mr. Noam Chomsky’s contribution to global peace and harmony one needs look no further than, when the National Liberation Front was trying to take control of South Vietnam, him telling a forum in New York on December 15 1967 that [quote] ‘I don’t accept the view that we can just condemn the NLF terror, period, because it was so horrible. I think we really have to ask questions of comparative costs, ugly as that may sound. And if we are going to take a moral position on this – and I think we should – we have to ask both what the consequences were of using terror and not using terror. If it were true that the consequences of not using terror would be that the peasantry in Vietnam would continue to live in the state of the peasantry of the Philippines, then I think the use of terror would be justified’.

The all-up ‘comparative costs’ of the political terror unleashed under the leadership of Mr. Nguyen That Thanh (aka Ho Chi Min) – which terror Mr. Noam Chomsky rationalises as being justifiable – was of the magnitude of 1,670,000 citizens of Vietnam being murdered by their government.

Do you really want to pursue the topic of which one of us has ‘complacent blinkers’ on … or would this be an opportune moment to do an abrupt about turn and discuss what is on offer on The Actual Freedom Trust web site?

It is your call.

The original source includes additional links/sources as well.

You can see how the ‘harm’ done by ‘name-calling’ is completely eclipsed by the harm done by justifying millions murdered by their government (which behavior is celebrated by multiple newspapers of note!).

And again in the context that Richard had zero animosity behind such statements… they are descriptive statements of Chomsky’s actions.

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9

Thank you, this helps me make more sense of what is meant with pure intent. Someone shared a link I think to something about pure intent, will read that one aswell.

an example would be that I am in the kitchen and turn around and accidentally tip over a glas of water standing there. I’ll feel the desire to blame someone else which would be my partner who put it there. When infact it’s my fault I didn’t have spatial awareness enough to not tip it over. But there’s this feeling that I should be able to blame someone else, that I don’t want to have the uncomfortable feeling of having done this.

Before I could carry on with this for quite a while, and would express that feeling and create conflict. Now I’m mostly able to not express it even though I am sometimes sneaky and change my mood so that she will notice that she did something wrong. Laughing writing this because it seems so childish and silly when I write it down! But the feeling of this shouldn’t happen to me goes away rather quickly since it really doesn’t help. I still need to clean up the water, or I can ask my partner to do it which ofc makes little sense if I tipped it over.

Interesting perspective and it makes sense even though I don’t see myself doing that. I guess ones life exeprience and knowledge creates a different response from everyone when they become actually free and I can’t know what my response would be if I didn’t feel the need to be polite or politically correct when carrying on discussions. There’s a light giddy feeling thinking about that now, how I would react if I was in a similar situation and actually free.

Also thank you for going into such detail to explain your understanding of this behaviour.

10

I’ve had some experiences last few days where I feel I’m dissolving and the world takes on that glowing beautiful way of existing effortlessly and the stillness within that comes with that. Reading other peoples experiences here on the forum and also interacting has been more beneficial than I thought it would be and my days are more and more becoming light and happy.

My main issue with Actualism has been not quite understanding what to do even though it always felt close to how I try to live life anyways. But discussing and being able to ask questions has made it clear that some parts of the practice is much easier than I thought and I have been overcomplicating or overthinking many things.

Whenever I have time in the mornings I try to start with reading someone’s journal and even though I don’t read fast I take in parts of what they write and that helps me see those things in myself. And consequently better understand how to face them and not be tricked by my feelings or make excuses as to why not to let go of them.

I had an interesting experience yesterday evening when I went to bed. I was falling asleep and was just at that edge when I felt like I dissolved and I was lying there in complete and utter contentment. There was a glow to existence and it had that familiar feeling of safety and outside of time. I had full control over my body but it felt like it wasn’t my body, not that it was someone elses body or that I was some other body. The body just existed in this most effortless way without any input from me.

There was that strong spiral upwards of feeling good and I leaned into that and felt how I felt even better lying thar just enjoying how nice it was to be alive. The more I leaned into it, the more “I” disappeared even though the experience itself was crystal clear and there was no fogginess or sense of it not being real. Reality was still and solid.

I’ve also had more experiences than normal where the Actual world feels close and the world sparkles. I’ve seen people use terms as excellent which kind of makes sense but to me it’s more of a scale of being here as a feeling being and being here in the actual world and it doesn’t matter so much what we call it. Even though I can see the advantage of being able to share and discuss. I think I’m not used to discussing these kind of things with others so I am more focused on how it feels.

If I break any untold rules about where to or how to discuss things feel free to point them out. I feel that I’m all over the place gathering inspirations from reading peoples journals and holding discussions without considering where I’m at in the forum. I’m enjoying the practice and doing it this way has been a lot of fun :slight_smile:

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11

It seems you’re already catching onto your own tricks, this is already self-awareness/investigation in action, and you can see how you’re gradually changing your behavior!

Even with intent and awareness sometimes it takes time to change a habitual behavior. We have an entire lifetime of experience being sneaky and blaming others, so it is no surprise that the initial habitual reaction is what you’re describing.

All you can do is have the intent to pay close attention to your emotions and actions, and when you find yourself being silly - sometimes it can take a week or more to catch something(!) - don’t be hard on yourself, you can laugh about being so silly, unpack as much or as little as necessary, and go right back to feeling good - and now you have one more bookmark of habitual ‘John’ things to keep an eye out for next time. Now when you spot yourself sneakily changing your mood to blame someone else, you can say “ah! There I go again…” and that will stop it pretty quickly. In time, you’ll arrive at a place where you won’t be able to remember the last time you did something like that. It is a gradual process, though with intent and determination it can go quicker than you might think!

This is very encouraging - it’s a bit of a meme among actualists that we frequently overcomplicate it - the method is not ‘too hard,’ it is ‘too easy!’ You are right, it’s very simple!

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12

This is wonderful to read!

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13

I had a a breakthrough in regards to understanding investigation yesterday.

I had a disagreement, not argument, just reoccurring disagreement where my partner wants to change things that cant change. Ex. the sofa doesn’t fit in the living room so instead she suggests we open up the wall to make it fit. Instead of choosing between our available options. It’s not that it’s impossible its just that it’s rather unreasonable at times.

I used to pull back and put it all on her and we’d get a bit moody with each other. Yesterday I went back and said I pulled back because of this behavior in the past and I could see how she’s right in that it would look better that way but it’s just not an option to rebuild. It was freeing and liberating. It wasn’t that I couldn’t say my thoughts about it calmly and without emotion it was that I wasn’t emotionally engaged and struggling against her as a separate entity that needed to be combated.

It might sound like more of the same as what I did before, but investigation makes more sense now. It’s similar to what I’ve been doing for a long time, even before Actualism, but more complete and deeper.

I’m almost feeling giddy realizing that I have so many things like this that I can work with and the feeling of not holding onto those feelings of being right and giving up the struggle is liberating.

The complication with it is ofc, how do I balance that with making choices. If I want to buy a new car, but we don’t have the money. I can’t just buy the car without the money since that will cause a cascade of other issues that need to be dealt with.

I think maybe what clicked is that I can clearly see how this is erasing me as an identity. And I can see the scary part people talk about as in who will make the decisions on what to do, or will things work out if I don’t feel bad about this.

If anyone has any tips or thoughts about how to deepen this part feel free to share since this is getting more and more fun.

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14

We’re used to answering these questions via some combination of pure feelings (“it just feels right to do ‘x’”) or logic (“I’ll do ‘x’ because y and z”). However, both of these are flawed, feelings for obvious reason but logic because it also relies on feelings (this time about how x, y and z fit together).

When actually free, and during PCEs, you find yourself inhabiting a world where neither make much sense. From this place, you may find that you have to learn a completely new way to make decisions that doesn’t depend on these feeling-based strategies. In the meantime, you can do your best by trying to make decisions based on experience and what you know about the world, and by being thoughtful about possible outcomes. You may find that these decisions change over time as you learn more - this only makes sense, as over time you learn more about the world.

Richard describes this way of making decisions via ‘silly vs. sensible.’ Is doing ‘x’ thing silly to do? Or is it sensible? Finding out what is silly vs. sensible often require its own investigations! That’s part of the enjoyment & sensuality of living completely.

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15

This is an interesting perspective. I’ll try to spend more atention on it next time I have a PCE (unless that breaks it : )

I’ve found making decisions when I’m in a PCE or close to the actual to be incredibly easy. There’s no drama, no worry it’s just a choice. I haven’t thought much about it while actually there.

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16

I’ve been spending time simply sitting and feeling my way into feeling good. It’s helped to hear people here mention that it’s not about directly experiencing a PCE or even something excellent. Just moving towards neutral and then more enjoyment is enough and over time that builds on itself to become more.

This makes it easier to sit and enjoy without the need to get somewhere which ofc is counterproductive in and of itself.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that as I feeling better becomes more the norm lately then feeling not good hurts even more. It feels so bad to go around and have a bad feeling inside of me.

I’ve also been looking at how I judge other people and how there is a me in there thinking I’m better than them. Observing this and instead treating them with kindness and understanding which comes rather naturally when I don’t feel the need to be superior or more knowledgeble than them has been a good help in my practice aswell.