One thing that’s become increasingly clear to me is that I can’t be feeling something without me “really” feeling something, if that makes sense.
For example in the past I would feel annoyed at a person. But I would say I’m not ‘really’ annoyed at them, I just feel annoyance but I ‘know’ it’s a silly reaction so I don’t “intent” the annoyance even if I experience the feeling of it.
Or with desire, like… I feel a desire for this person or that thing, but I don’t ‘really’ want that, I don’t pursue it, therefore I don’t ‘really’ desire it.
But what I come to see is that this is just denial! If I am feeling annoyed it’s because I am annoyed, whether ego-me wants to be annoyed or not. If I feel desire it’s because I actually want that thing, whether I want to be wanting it or not. Desire is how I as a feeling being want things!
So when you write this about aversion here — it’s not (just) that you feel this aversion (that you don’t wanna feel). Rather it’s that you are actually being averse to something! It’s not clear specifically what you’re being averse to, but nevertheless you are.
When I write it out here it sounds kind of like an obvious thing but it has had profound implications for me. I’m not sure if it’s helpful, would be curious if it is!