Jesus Carlos Journal

[JohnE]

@jesus.carlos

Let’s say that feeling good was becoming my baseline. But after a while, I began to notice that I was returning to a neutral feeling as a baseline.

This is interesting. I see myself doing this quite often and I attribute it to meditation where one would look at things coming up only to see them go away and after that you were done. The idea of continuing into enjoyment and appreciation of being here seems counterintuitive from that perspective sometimes.

@jesus.carlos

The film ends. I’m not in a PCE, but in a kind of IE/EE, experiencing a lot of sweetness and intimacy. And I tell my partner what happened. Tears run. And I’m incredibly grateful with her for having the courage to tell me what she’d been noticing these past few days about my way of withdrawing from being here, as a defense mechanism. And that reminded me that what is the most important for me is to truly give all of myself to her, and to the rest of living human bodies.

I’ve found over the years that quite often feeling bad will lead me to feeling good again because the feeling bad sucks so bad and is uncomfortable that not doing it just makes sense after a while and pushes you in the direction of feeling good again.