I want to do it for everyone here. You know anyone can do it if I can do it after all this time.
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I came close today. I was right there and only had to make the decision. It didnāt seem like I backed off. It was more like I stopped. I feel confident that I will be back because I am committed this time. I have never been committed before. That is the difference now.
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Hummmm why did you stop then?? 
Being confident you will be back (when you didnāt do it when you had the chance) ā isnāt this a tricky way of not being committed? Or else you would have done it thenā¦
@claudiu Good question, maybe I am not committed. I was right there again this morn and it was more like not proceeding instead of stopping. All I had to do was make the decision to do it and I couldnāt make it. I know there is nothing else left to do. In fact I am there right now. Why canāt I make this decision? What is stopping me? Still looking. I have to want to make it for others. I have to make it for humanity.
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Iāll reiterate what Geoffrey told me - the only reason you arenāt doing it is because you arenāt doing it! No further reason . You donāt do it because you donāt want to do itā¦
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Interesting @jamesjjoo ,
I was remembering today something I has seen or read about when people suicide (actually kill themselves, not what we are talking about)
The person who had decided to suicide would feel extremely happy in the time before when they planned to end it. There was the sure knowledge that their suffering would end.
Perhaps you are enjoying yourself so much that any choice to end it doesnāt make sense. Something other than being committed is needed, something else I have no idea about!!!
A real moment of seeing how your sacrifice will benefit everyone including you?
I am writing way above my pay grade here. 
Perhaps seeing how it will benefit one person will help me to see how it benefits everyone,
ā There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was āmeā, āhumanityā. The contrast was simply hilarious. I canāt describe how hilarious this contrast was. What weāve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all Iāve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No āweightā, no dramaā¦ just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.
I was walking on a dirt path, in the shadows of the trees, a few hundred meters from home, with a big smile on my face, when everything stopped.ā
It has become apparent to me that I donāt want it bad enuf. I need to ramp up my want,
I have a vivid memory of an experience I had about 6 years ago when everything stopped. I still have a golden thread to it.
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I just realized that what works for me is to see things in their most simplistic sense. Hence, to see the actual is the most simplistic way that I can see what this is all about. The most simplistic way I can see whatās actual is to see the actual physical world. For example, flesh and blood bodies is the most simplistic way to see humanity. The real world (psyche) is not actual. Only flesh and blood is the only thing actual about humans and the actual physical world is the only thing actual about everything else.
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This has caused me to question the pain I am having in my back. Is this pain actual?
It is a very appropriate question because the pain can be actual at the same time that the suffering could be just real to a large extent.
Several have reported that Richard experiences severe back pain and toothaches.
Richard: It is bad enough to feel pain, why make it worse by adding an emotional suffering like āI feel terribleā? To feel terrible, emotionally, on top of the physical pain is simply silly when it is possible to disentagle oneself, emotionally, and still feel good about being alive, about being here. This is being sensible, is it not? To feel good, if not happy, all the time?
It Is Either Silly Or Sensible
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Hey Jamesā¦I recall something like this from Richardā¦
āRichard :When you see ā one of these days ā that infinity and eternity are as actual as your toothache then life will become all of a sudden so much sweeter that you may very well pass out from the shock of so much pleasure rippling throughout this flesh and blood body.ā
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@Miguel, @Shashank Yes, I think I can see what you are saying. The pain hurts but it is not actually unbearable. When I first got up it seemed like I couldnāt make it. Now, after some food and pain med I can go to the store and I will take it from there.
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Richard is on very strong pain meds, which he forgets to take! Vineeto had to remind him of them.
His back condition is similar to the one my brother had from years of brick paving and digging soakwells.
The lower discs get partially destroyed and bulge, the bones and discs press on the nerves.
Very painful. Richard also did the damage sometime in his twenties if I remember correctly.
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So, everything we read about his life story, and everything he wrote on the AFT was done whilst managing a lot of back pain.
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He told a story about driving a tractor and clearing malli roots (a type of tree) from pastoral land. Hundreds of acres of back breaking manual labour. That and clearing forrests when he was young, and 6 years in the army, and whatever else he did for work.
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Yes, I think itā important to keep on record some of these biographical aspects, as they undoubtedly serve (and will serve) the personal journeys of many actualists.
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