The pain and pain meds are taking their toll on me but underneath that I am ok. I can still enjoy and appreciate being at home and mostly staying off my feet.
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Iāve been seeing how nothing really matters. For example if I had done this or not done that then things would be different with my pain. That doesnāt really matter because Iām at where Iām at right now and thatās what there is to deal with.
In my long ago discussion about addiction with Richard on a K list which @geoffrey has alluded to I think he (Richard) made an important distinction. He said that what we (humanity) are addicted to is suffering. The distinction he made is that he equated suffering with āmeā. Iow, we are addicted to āmeā which is suffering. It helps me to see this because then I see that it is not sensible to perpetuate this āmeā which is suffering.
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One way I am perpetuating āmeā is by wanting someone to like my post.
Haha, I shall unlike it then!
It is an interesting topic. I emended my thinking on it as itās encouraging to have someone like a post.
The challenge is to go ahead and take action on what we post. If validation without action is happening, then itās up to us to spot it.
Which brings up the main issue of whether we need the validation to take action. That can lead to a lot of missed opportunities.
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Good you pointed this out Jamesā¦I agree with this !
What I realised is that from the position of feeling good and having a good time, it matters lesser and lesser whether I get likes for my post or not. Itās only from a place of feeling bad/ insecure/ lonely etc that the need for post-likes is more.
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It was nice listening to @geoffrey talking considerately about this and his own āapproval seekingā and āsearching for likesā back then. And that at the first stage of practicing AF is not a problem, it gets you engaged.
Of course, he also observed that the building of an āactualist character/identityā here becomes a problem later, for sureā¦ But the realization of it is part of the next phase, so you are on the right track @jamesjjoo! 
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Haha nice I must be on track also! 
- Approval seeking
- Building an actualist identity
Yesterday I was driving along and I had the thought that I havenāt had a flat in a long time. Today I had a flat.
The State DEA has passed a new requirement that the doctors have to give a drug test before they can give a prescription for a narcotic. I tested positive for cannabis so my dr wonāt prescribe me anymore sleeping pills and if I test positive again he wonāt prescribe me anymore testosterone. I can live w/o the sleeping pills but I need the testosterone because I have hypogonadism and if I donāt get it I am facing premature aging and early death.
I think itās my identity that doesnāt want to give up the cannabis and so I am justifying it and trying to figure out how to beat the drug test. It doesnāt sound sensible to keep using cannabis and do w/o the testosterone although I do think cannabis has saved my life because w/o it I would have been an alcoholic.
āIā want to keep using cannabis and get the testosterone too. āIā donāt want to give up the cannabis. āIā am thinking that my body also needs the cannabis and not just my identity.
Do you really think this is the case or youāre saying āyouā want to believe it even though you donāt think itās true?
I think it could be true but I donāt know it to be a fact.
I think this is a great opportunity for you to find out by stopping at least long enough for the test to come out negative.
You will start to see if you really feel a difference in your body and, at the same time, if cannabis itself has not become a problem similar to the one it prevented you from having with alcohol.
If you still donāt want to go through this minimal suffering, it is most likely your identity which really needs to keep consuming.
@Miguel Yes thank you, this sounds like sensible advice. I need to stop the cannabis at least long enuf (30 days) before the next test to get a negative result. This could help me take the next step to af by not being dependant on a substance.
Who I am: An old dope addict.
What I am: A flesh and blood body.
Can I interest you in some magic mushrooms? 
Far better than dope.
Yes, shrooms are the best. I was looking at the facts of who and what I am.
I expect my back to get well and the pain to go away.
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I have stopped taking prescription sleeping pills and am now taking an over the counter one. This one has caused me to dream prolifically. While sleeping early this morn I dreamt that I was sword fighting with Tom Cruise over a beautiful woman. I donāt know if this prolific dreaming is good or bad but the sleeping pill does help me to go back to sleep after getting up to leak.
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I feel like iām losing hope with depression lurking in the background. The never ending pain is wearing on me. The pain dr wants to try one more injection so Iām waiting on that. If that doesnāt work then I will need an operation which he says I donāt want. My best hope is for the last injection to work which the other two havenāt. The best I know to do from an af choice is to face those facts and expect for the last injection to work.
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