The discussion here about integrity by @Andrew , @claudiu, @Elgin and others has caused me to question my own integrity. I stated that I was committed to becoming actually free yet I haven’t followed thru on that. First, I had a cold which sidetracked me from feeling good and then I have been down in my back with a lot of pain. If I am actually committed to becoming free then these things wouldn’t sidetrack me. Can I stay committed no matter what as @geoffrey said? That would be integrity in my understanding.

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Are you confident that you’re 100% sincere in your determination to becoming free? Are there any small parts of you that are holding back?

I have low confidence right now. I am not feeling sincere. I feel beat down by back pain which has not responded to treatment or pain meds. I would be happy to get back to feeling good.
How about you? Where are you at with your quest to become free?

Don’t be too hard on yourself - as many have pointed out with my semi-recent breakup, the ‘normal’ in such situations is to be feeling terrible for awhile, so even feeling ‘okay’ is an accomplishment. Pain & suffering have been closely linked throughout human & animal existence - it is unsurprising that you’re having difficulty.

Once you don’t chastise yourself so much for being stalled, perhaps it will get easier to feel good. I’m interested to hear how that goes.

I’m having an interesting time, I found @JonnyPitt and @edzd’s recent visit very productive as well as revealing the areas I was falling short on. I’m also recovering from many late nights and now having to wake up early for a regular workday again :sweat_smile:

It has become apparent to me that I’ve created a very large narrative of failure over the last 7 years, which only this year I’ve been able to notice significantly. I found @Elgin’s recent description of the psychic apparatus very useful in putting those connections as well.

It seems that no matter what I’m doing as a human, I’m plugging myself in somewhere in the psychic battle, whether as a winner or a loser, authority or follower. I’ve been existing as something of a loser for some years, with some battling to prove that I’m a winner sprinkled in there as well.

This explains why I’ve had strong reactions to ‘winner’ themes in movies & sports events recently.

It’s useful having a view of the larger situation.

Much of how we know if we’re ‘winning’ or ‘losing,’ has to do with the reactions of others. But it’s not 100%. Sometimes others believe in us, but we don’t fully believe them. Or, others think we’re a loser but we believe that we’re secretly awesome and they just don’t understand. There’s some kind of superposition happening here, of being in both places at the same time. This likely has to do with the ‘yin/yang’ situation, where the light contains the dark and the dark contains the light.

I’m still putting it together :slight_smile:


It seems there is integrity in being honest with myself about where I’m at now instead making up stories about where I want to be. The good news is that I’m getting good health care and am confident that I will get better. Also, I have been steadily losing weight. We are lucky that we have access to good health care.
I have bought into your narrative about being a winner. You have struck me as a winner and have been helpful to me.
How long was your meetup with the guys? What was the best thing that you got out if it?


This seems like integrity itself, to me.

You are where you are, with an intent to accomplish something.

Another area to check integrity is finding out exactly what your intent consists of, what are you really trying to accomplish and why?

Ha, it’s all made up anyway. This makes me realize that it’s more useful to pay attention to function - how is what I’m doing successful or unsuccessful? What am I trying to accomplish? How can I accomplish it?

They were here for a week!

I think the biggest thing was that I made a substantial shift in how I related to fantasies toward women/desire

At one point I fully went into my own fantasy and discovered to my surprise that it wasn’t experientially pleasant, there was a lot of ‘dark energy’ swirling around. It was clear that if even the fantasy wasn’t pleasant, than any love I could get wouldn’t be ultimately pleasant either.

In other words, as long as ‘I’ am still there, as long as affect is still there, there will still be a gap. And I could see that it would never be as good as the actual world.

It also made it exceptionally clear that everything ‘me’ is internal, where the actual is way bigger than me. The actual is everything - the infinitude itself. It’s something ‘I’ achieve, but what ‘I’ achieve is the removal of myself. This realization was accompanied by an (affective) breeze of fresh air. All really is well.


Yes, all really is well. Sitting here now there is no pain. It only hurts when I stand or walk and I’m sure that will be getting better.
Then I will be back to feeling good.
Are you getting closer to af?

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That’s good! Guess it’s time to chill out for a bit then.

Ha, who can say? I’ve figured out a few things, I have more to go until I’m free. I just take on whatever’s in front of me.

Right now, it looks like the move is a nap and then maybe play soccer. After that, who knows!


For some reason it was always women and the desire to want to attract others that damaged my integrity. My honesty with others and myself would always be impacted.

I still do it with my wife. Try to control the narrative and how I am perceived. Starting to stop the same old same old though.

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@son_of_bob Yes, that sounds like integrity: Once you realize what you are doing then stop it.

@henryyyyyyyyyy It sounds like integrity to deal with “whatever’s in front of me” instead of avoiding that and doing something else.

Now that I’m aware that the usual coping mechanisms are only addictive circles… yes.

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Funny thing I realized about coping mechanisms… you only need them to ‘cope’ with something that sucks. But actually now is always perfect, now doesn’t suck!! So you don’t need to cope at all haha. You just have to see that the fact of the matter is that things don’t suck now.


I have come up with what I call 3H healthy, happy and harmless. One needs to be healthy to be happy and harmless.

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I expect to be 3H health, happy and harmless by morn. A precursor to af.

Yep, all that is required is to wake up in the morning and the universe is already amazingly benevolent.


After some crisis and a period of depression, I’ve learned that the most important thing for a healthy body is sleep. Sleep well your full 7-8 hours (maybe less if you are that kind of people but only experience can tell). Then nutrition. Then some cardio excercise each day (don’t need to become this sport Billy guys with impressive goals, just something to sweat).


to allow yourself to feel good.

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