Ian's Journal

[Ian]

This exploration is becoming even more fascinating and fun, I am bit by bit actually making proper progress into being a social identity, instead of getting stuck in the intellectual understanding… I am enjoying the discoveries and uncoveries…

I noticed my partner had wished shame on her sister for ‘not learning to cook properly’, so that she would learn to cook and then ‘we (her family) can be proud of her’… to which I noticed I felt a defensive position and the beginning of a response to call out (shame) her for shaming her sister…instead I prompted a discussion where we came to understand she ran a more ‘tough love’ code, and I ran a more ‘compassionate understanding’ code…but also she was much more open about the goal (to shape the behaviour of the loved one), and I realised that is the goal of compassionate understanding also…maybe surreptitiously…also she was open about where she saw herself in the position of the family - as the older sister, she feels like she is the authority, even to her parents now…which results often in frustration of not actually being able to control the other members of the ‘group’, but sometimes yields satisfaction when they do what she says…whereas I try to exert control by validating and understanding the other so that they would ‘see for themselves’ what behaviours must change…

also, my code to use empathy and understanding is a protective measure - I believe that if I default to empathy, validation, understanding of the people I interact with, then they will be less likely to attack me because (in theory) they will be disarmed…

also also, leading on from the discussion about the goal of morality and love to influence another perceived member of one’s group, being cunning is something that my partner openly admits to being, saying sometimes you have to be a little bit cunning…whereas I would ordinarily have felt that to be against my ‘rules’, I recognise the cunning in compassion to kind of ‘fly under the radar’, deflect from accountability.

also also also, she said that if she is called out on her cunning then she will automatically start to deflect or defend, add cunning to the cunning as a way to keep it hidden (cunning is deceit, which only works under camoflage)…

it’s a real can of worms, but so fun to open it up and really start looking at things…

[Vineeto]

Ian: This exploration is becoming even more fascinating and fun, I am bit by bit actually making proper progress into being a social identity, instead of getting stuck in the intellectual understanding… I am enjoying the discoveries and uncoveries…
I noticed my partner had wished shame on her sister for ‘not learning to cook properly’, so that she would learn to cook and then ‘we (her family) can be proud of her’… to which I noticed I felt a defensive position and the beginning of a response to call out (shame) her for shaming her sister… instead I prompted a discussion where we came to understand she ran a more ‘tough love’ code, and I ran a more ‘compassionate understanding’ code…but also she was much more open about the goal (to shape the behaviour of the loved one), and I realised that is the goal of compassionate understanding also…maybe surreptitiously… also she was open about where she saw herself in the position of the family – as the older sister, she feels like she is the authority, even to her parents now…which results often in frustration of not actually being able to control the other members of the ‘group’, but sometimes yields satisfaction when they do what she says… whereas I try to exert control by validating and understanding the other so that they would ‘see for themselves’ what behaviours must change…
also, my code to use empathy and understanding is a protective measure – I believe that if I default to empathy, validation, understanding of the people I interact with, then they will be less likely to attack me because (in theory) they will be disarmed…
also also, leading on from the discussion about the goal of morality and love to influence another perceived member of one’s group, being cunning is something that my partner openly admits to being, saying sometimes you have to be a little bit cunning… whereas I would ordinarily have felt that to be against my ‘rules’, I recognise the cunning in compassion to kind of ‘fly under the radar’, deflect from accountability.
also also also, she said that if she is called out on her cunning then she will automatically start to deflect or defend, add cunning to the cunning as a way to keep it hidden (cunning is deceit, which only works under camouflage)…
it’s a real can of worms, but so fun to open it up and really start looking at things… (link)

Hi Ian,

A very perspicacious report of your joint explorations by putting the issue on the table, so to speak, where neither is accusing or blaming the other for having a particular approach/ belief/ attitude. And it worked really well in that each person could uncover their particular modus operandi and moral compass!

This is fun indeed and so fascinating.

Cheers Vineeto

[Ian]

ok so finally finally finally I have been able to ‘see through’ another tenacious belief…to where I am now different to what I was before seeing it through and better for it…

The belief in authority as an external force - since recognising myself as the source - has been popping up over and over (it’s been the dominant part of my day to day existence for most of my life, so entrenched and unquestioned - exactly like an indoctrination) and yet diminishing each time I get that recognition…the more it sets in that it is all me - the ruler, the rules and the ruled - the freer I am…

This morning I was sitting at the table feeling it again as it had come on strong overnight with the running in my mind of all the tasks ahead of me…and then at the same moment again the awareness that I am the authority was there, contrasted against the empty room…there was no other possibility for an authority anywhere in my vicinity…

So I was just contemplating further what was holding this feeling…examining the belief in being a good employee, which has roots in being a good boy, which I had realised not only is rooted in fear of punishment but also in desire for reward, whether that is popularity or praise or both, and also somewhat in nurture…my loving nature wanting those I loved to feel good and not be upset or disappointed…I feel responsible for their happiness and wellbeing…I seek to be harmless but actually cause myself harm…

I have been feeling more like a person standing on their own two feet and not like a well trained puppy careening here and there performing tricks out of fear and desire…

I have lost that moral manipulative motivation to work hard and go the extra mile - for the greater good.

I felt so different at work today, no anxiety - although still some stress and grumpy feelings here and there, but this time not associated to authority or fear of not doing good enough or being told off or failing or looking stupid or incompetent…

It became clear to me that my workload is more than the allocated hours - literally the laws of physics mean that I cannot do all my tasks all at once with no errors…a beautiful fact to see at one point, as I was standing beside a photocopier using a stapler on the most menial yet unavoidable task - there was no way I could speed this particular process up…it was wonderfully locked in physicality…

So with this seeing, I realised I could start voluntarily tracking my tasks (funny to me because I used to dislike having to do job tracking time sheets in previous jobs) with a free web app (clockify) that would give me a great picture of what I could do and what I couldn’t do in the time I was given - all the interruptions, all the tasks…very easy to track and grounded in that facticity when I look back on my day and it all made sense…I couldn’t do any more than that, and not in any obviously different way…

The important thing was I had changed from being fearful, stressed and anxiety ridden, with inner frustrations against my own fictional authorities - to being happy to take charge of my workload in a new way and see what was factually reasonable…

So based on today I feel like I have actually changed myself…seen through an idea and identity I had absorbed and lived by for years…

It took the initial recognition of being the programmed identity, the falsehood of that, the way I am society, authority, I am just doing it to myself…and slowly weening myself off it, always querying for more detail, the web of identity that holds a belief together…in the past when I have seen things I have felt happier or more relaxed, this time I feel more free, free as myself on this planet… I have dropped some chains…

Again it’s worth reiterating that it’s not a philosophical way of thinking, or psychological reframing or self-trickery…just seeing the facts - I am the being of this body formed from the instinctual passions, I am the social identity formed and woven from them through experience…and as such I am all the layers of that identity… and when I pay attention to and become familiar with these facts, I can become free of my own twisted branches…immediately in the moment, and more consistently over time…

[Ian]

Also I really really really wanted to make a big change…to actually do this and pick a big belief and see it through…I couldn’t keep going with just the bits and pieces here and there…little tastes, glimpses, realisations and understandings…I wanted to actually cut something substantial out and become different…with what I already had seen and knew I was wondering why I wasn’t changing…but I had to deeply almost stubbornly want to change…I think recently I realised I had nothing to lose if I did…nothing of me is important enough to miss if it went away…