So the feeling-response-as-habit thing seems to work. Especially at the moment around being worried about saying the wrong thing, not communicating clearly enough, being misunderstood, the worry that the other will not see me as who I am intending to be seen as. Anyway, it’s a habit. The trick is to see what happens if I don’t go down the usual path. Be willing to see what happens. Worry to unease to happiness. The foundation that makes it possible is knowing I don’t need to be here and the ability to relax because of this. Am I my feelings? Well they are not anyone else. They don’t come from anyone else or anything else. Ah yes, I am feeling, that is the way I am experiencing. As feelings. Thoughts and feelings but the experience of thoughts is thinking; an activity that happens, the experience of feeling is being; activity that ‘is’. Here I am again, trying to plot my way through the maze of myself to touch the actual. Not necessary. Here I am, sitting in a chair, contemplating and bringing attention to the experience of being alive right now. It’s cool. Buzzy. Silent. I mean, it’s a cool experience, being alive. Everything is going on. Seeing, smelling, hearing, heart beating, distance, weight, discomfort, comfort, thinking. It’s pretty rad. On a planet. The only one I can be on. How cool is life. Very. So I’m feeling really good, great. Bloody marvellous. Went for a walk in the bush, great colours, smells, sounds, heat in the air. Back to feeling like I can give this up. I’m not needed anymore. I don’t even matter anymore. Not trying to give up, or get somewhere, or figure this out, just bouncing gently off the realisation that I am not needed so letting go happens. A release of the mental grip. Here it is on, here it is off again. Me trying… move into just being…from being I can relax further…I don’t belong to anyone, but why would I, how is that even possible.
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