One of the things that I thought I had left behind but popped up again to trigger a strong reaction within me, is the habitual/instinctual panic when feeling disconnected from my partner (in this instance from being falsely accused).
So I was nicely aware that it happened and went into not suppressing nor expressing, and by being aware of what was going on throughout I took away some good understanding, some reinforcement to things already seen and some new.
Within moments of being triggered there was the flooding of physiological effects and those effects (burning sensation, tense abdomen, crackling energy, scattered thought, drive to express) took some time to ebb away, maybe a minute or so. So in this case I was unable to go from 10-0 in an instant, which meant that I kind of kept pinging off myself every few seconds in a decreasingly powerful round; a decaying feedback loop. Good to recognise this.
During this I was standing still, not engaging further in the invitation to drama, noticing and paying attention to the world being as it is (not collapsing, no danger, peaceful, friendly) as well as what was going on within me - I was (as instinctual being) feeling in great danger. Reinforcement.
When I was back to feeling good again, it was so wonderfully clear that the whole day would have been as calm and peaceful as it always was had I not allowed the period of panic to take away from my experience of it. This was new.
And afterwards there was no need for any further drama negative or even positive (no need to go into a recovery period, no need to be heard or understood, no need to soothe myself, no reconciliation of misunderstanding, no need to give it further importance (aside from curiosity)) just back sitting on the couch with the stillness of the day continuing as it had prior to and (in actuality) throughout the period of panic. As if nothing had happened. Also new and really excellent to have noticed.
This was great because it disarmed a secondary fear; ‘if I decide to feel good again then that means I am not important - (what about me?)’. Because it was clear again that it is safe, that nothing bad happens…otherwise, if I was to fulfil my importance there would be a continuing drama which is not only unpleasant but unsafe, my suffering and the suffering of the other person would both continue. A combination of new and reinforcement. The fear of not being important enough to myself had been a stick in the spokes in the past but not this time.
So it was another moment of confidence that happiness and harmlessness is safety, and that I don’t need to be concerned with whether I was doing myself a disservice by not validating my self importance/feelings and just feeling good instead, and that as always the world continues uninterrupted in its peacefulness.