Hunterad's journal

[hunterad]

@Vineeto

What you thus found out that it is not the worry about certain subjects or topics that you are presently addicted to but worrying itself. Living without the feeling of worrying is unfamiliar and therefore deemed unsafe. A daring is required to cut the umbilical cord, abandon the apparent mantle of security which paints the world dark and dangerous, and take the plunge to being more and more naïve and carefree as an entirely new modus operandi.

This is interesting, I actually don’t think I drew that connection myself, but it rings true.

@Vineeto

Perhaps you can instead rememorate how you were experiencing the world during your PCEs, or how you were when you were genuinely naïve and the world was a wondrous place to explore and appreciate? It’s enjoyment and the very appreciation of it which has the capacity to enhance feeling good, and then feeling better and feeling great. When you feel great a lot of imagined/ anticipated problems reveal themselves as phantoms – but this is not the outcome of rational thinking alone, it comes from feeling good first.

Part of me wants to dismiss this as a tautological/circular suggestion. It seems like saying “try feeling good, then the worries which are preventing you from feeling good will fade away”. What’s funny is I know it has actually played out this way many times in my experience, so I’m sure it is actually a great suggestion.

I think that combating the worry itself rationally is probably a lost cause indeed. It’s me arguing against me and we are both equally intelligent (or unintelligent). Definitely a major reframing to look at this question of ‘am I actually addicted to worrying itself?’

What does worry do for me? Why do I ‘hold it close to my bosom’? I know my brain and my ability to think doesn’t go away when worry is gone, so am I really just uncomfortable with the experience of being unworried for extended periods of time?

I’m imagining a world where i continue sincere efforts to solve the problems my job throws at me in a cheerful and naive way. I’m realizing I don’t actually think I’ll be less capable. It’s more that I think I’ll be taken advantage of or underappreciated. But right now I’m feeling ok with that idea, if it means I keep getting paid and getting to be happy and harmless.