Hunterad's journal

[syd]

@hunterad

@Kub933

Are you able to give some examples of what the dirt is? I am assuming it’s various social identity motivations? For example for me I notice there is a investment into the good feelings of being powerful which relate to my identity as a martial arts coach/athlete.

@Kub933

I guess that would be the goal but in the meantime it seems the “what that will look like or how people will respond to it” is the place to look. Is that the ‘dirt’ that is spoiling feeling good?

Yep, that’s what I mean by dirt…

To put it all another way that makes the most sense to me right now… It’s like there is an emotional tentacle reaching out to comprehend and influence how other people see me. In relationships of all sorts both friendships and ‘work relationships’. [1] The pure intent to be happy and harmless (in action) feels like relaxing that tentacle and letting whatever happens happen.

The ‘dirty’ intent is when I am trying to be “happy and harmless” in a way that serves the purpose of that tentacle. Which is really trying to appear happy and harmless.

Heya - looking at your journal, it seems to me that somehow experientially locating or discovering a third alternative to these ‘good feelings’ would be most beneficial.

Your ‘dirty’ intent of “really trying to appear happy and harmless” was also what I was doing for most part in the name of actualism. I talked about it here:

@syd

I misled myself because I was oblivious to the ‘good feelings’ (plus hope) operating underneath to arrogate it. You may remember that back in Ballina I did it even with “happy and harmless”! Which is but yet another reason why I’m so keen on PCEs and establishing golden clew. T

In your “really trying to appear happy and harmless” I recognized my own “did it even with “happy and harmless””.

Speaking personally, both an affective awareness of current feelings (esp. good feelings) as well as the memory of a perfection experience seems to play a vital role in this.

@hunterad

As for PCEs, I have generally opted for upping my baseline rather than going for PCEs. Part of that has been frustration with trying to make PCEs happen many many times going back as far as 2013. I have certainly had EEs that were potent enough to orient me, but never a clear experience that involved absolutely no sense of self. I am intending to start going for PCEs in addition to upping my baseline. Not sure why it seemed like an either/or thing to me before. I think part of the reason was that with upping my baseline I could deceive myself more about making progress whereas having PCEs or not was pretty binary success/failure.

You wrote the above about 4 years ago. Are you still going for PCEs (in addition to upping your baseline)?