So I am running into some difficulty getting back to feeling good from a state of stress. Over the last week I observed myself moving from happy and harmless, to good feelings, and now to stress. Although I saw the good feelings replacing naivete as it happened, I basically didn’t have enough motivation to stop it. It basically manifested as taking credit for naivete, congratulating myself, and imagining a future where I was praised for my naivete. Now that the good feelings are replaced with bad, the motivation is there and I am definitely keeping this whole cycle in mind in hopes that it gives me more focus the next time around.
Anyways, stress is what is here now preventing feeling good. The stress is about work (as per usual) and specifically fears about how I am replaceable and ultimately at the mercy of the whims of my boss. I’m also seeing that I’m embarrassed about having this stress, partly because I think it suggests I’m incompetent, and partly because I’ve dealt with it so many times in so many ways that I think I should have really figured it out by now.
Anyway, I don’t think I’ll solve this right here and right now, I’ve been contemplating it while writing this post for a while, but just wanted to get something into my journal while I’m in this spot.