Forgive the enigmatic post.
Just wanted to say that today my entire place in the world has shifted
It’s like I reached the very limit of my solutions, and being all out of ammunition, I could only give in to the ease and delight of being here.
This feeling good state arose so naturally, and had no airs or pretence. There was no neediness to it, or doubt, or self castigation, or frustration, or burn out, or anything else.
I stood there and questioned, from this point of view, my whole orientation towards life. Not in some mindfucky way, but just a kind of “noticing” of that feeling good quality. Why couldn’t this be my default state?
This was very matter of fact, not having to “reach” for something ethereal or divine. Clarity and sensibility came in and cleaned up a lot of stuff. I realised this actualism thing is not so damn serious. My life isn’t so damn serious. And I did not have to be the absolute genius of the world or climb a metaphorical Mt Everest in order to just be here. I saw it was more like a subtle shift in adjustment that was needed.
Not a big deal…no need for pressure.
Now some whole other process is happening, a process I didn’t think was even there or available. I can’t really write more because I have to see what happens haha.
But it’s something like….i am becoming the instrument of feeling good. Or I am allowing feeling good to take over me. Something like that.
Some of my biggest issues that I have struggled with for YEARS are seemingly just gone. Issues that made life deeply painful. Even the pursuit of actualism itself was immensely exhausting and fraught. I reached ultimate burnout even when I was “doing all the right things”.
I realise now my whole orientation was wrong. I’ll try to explain more later
Ah Richard you were right, thanks 