Since yesterday the importance of feeling good has really got through to me in a way that it hasnāt before. Itās all I can do to make anything make sense.
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Iāve been focusing on PCE walks for ages - but what about just feeling good at the most basic level. That is a better goal, because without feeling good a PCE isnāt going to happen. Right now Iām on a āPCE walkā and I feel good, and thatās already an achievement I can pat myself on the back for.
Iāve not been giving myself the stability (through feeling good) to then be able to explore further without getting lost. Feeling good is the rope to follow .
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The door to feeling good is back open!
After the last PCE, itās almost like I crumpled up like a dying spider once I came back. Seriously. Like I started clawing my nails so deep into being that I could not figure out what was happening.
Something really just hit me about feeling good yesterday - I canāt remember the wording Richard uses - something about experentially drawing a line under feeling good or something like that (can anyone remember the quote? 
- pinning it to the mast or something? Haha ). This was somehow very deep, like a deep ārealisationā that feeling good really is the answer.
Itās like this whole portal has opened up now. Everything that seemed impossible yesterday seems possible today. I had an EE type experience earlier this morning and there is a great excitement within me now - like I can see feeling good in the world around me. Im no longer projecting my usual feelings. Im just open as anything, and letting the senses sense.
I cannot control this. Nothing that has happened so far has been under my control. I feel so drawn to feeling good Iām like a moth to a flame. Everything just looks amazing.
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These crazy tangents are liking exploring the landscape of awareness, deep sea diving.
I am spotting a lot more in my inner workings that maybe I never gave much attention to before. The current time awareness still with affect in play throws up some weirdness too at times.
As I said, I noticed like two meās having a conversation at times, but also there is just the one me, narrating, like I am David Attenborough, narrating my life. āAnd now the homosapien is tapping on the keyboard, and now he is trying to explain how this narrator works in himself to convey the absurdity of his own inner dialogue. Oh and his nose is itchy, he is going to scratch it.ā I donāt quite talk in the third person, but it is still absurd. Like I have to mentally articulate and log everything that I do, observe or realise.
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If your two selves start arguing heatedly and yelling at each other to shut up as it happened to me, I can try to locate and introduce you one of my old psychiatrists. But until then you are fine. 
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Now I want to know more lol.
How sweet of you lol. I will keep that in mind 
I am hoping my days of needing mental health help are over lol.
This post isnāt designed to sound cryptic or anything, though I imagine maybe it would.
I want to make a few notes:
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getting out of the way is the only way to feel good. I have experimented a thousand ways and it is the only thing that works. There is only one way to feel good in my opinion, a way that āIā am extremely reluctant to choose.
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only that sincerity or that understanding^, of my own suffering, is what seems to allow me to penetrate beneath the usual feeling of being. Practising self awareness etc as Iāve practised for millions of hours does not do the trick. Awareness is not enough - and neither is simply wanting to feel good - because there in that there is no admitting of oneās own nature. Whereas actually truly going into oneself, into the cause of suffering, becomes the door to actually getting out of the way. Only then does it become clear what it means to be naive.
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I am starting to truly explore this route because Iāve come to see that there is literally no other way. Itās not my āburnoutā and itās not my personality and itās not ADHD and itās not my life situation thatās the problem. The problem goes so deeply to the core of my own functioning that itās the last thing I am willing to see. But by exploring every dead-end eventually it seems to open up a new possibility
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i go through a kind of process to arrive at this seeing, which is what seems to unlock this hidden mechanism. The sincerity/key thing finally makes sense.
The progression starts with my typical everyday suffering and then eventually leads to a deeper psychological journey.
Something like:
suffering ā distraction ā desperation ā awareness ā sincerity > single-minded determination ā innocence ā wonder
- My diehard way of following actualism up to this point has yielded a lack of results, and not for want of trying. Iāve tried extremely hard in a real world sense, but this has only perpetuated the usual suffering: a resistance to the genuine process. Itās like my whole orientation has been of wanting to succeed - just another goal - so my obsession with actualism has been more of an identity issue than anything else. I turned actualism into my usual thing of having an impossible goal to stress over and exhaust myself with. I think my problem has been not having the understanding/sincerity (which to me are one and the same) to penetrate deeper. Actualism goes far beyond a typical life goal - it sees the absolute limits of the human condition - whereas couching oneself within an aspect of the HC, the way I unwittingly have, only keeps one in the locks.
^^^^
This approach is what allows a seeing into āmeā - to actually see those ripples which are otherwise completely hidden. Surface-level awareness, no matter how diligently and persistently practised, will not result in ābeing the key*ā
*without which the actualism method is extremely difficult and in vain
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Not sure what I was smoking when I wrote the above sorry 
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Iāve had some kind of reckoning week with actualism. Sincerity has catapulted me into a deep determination to feel good. Iām suddenly way moreā¦factual about things. Itās much easier to feel good.
By being factual I can look clearly at the nature of my experience. I can see that I am my feelings, and by looking over and over I can see clearly, without any personal judgement, that all there ever is in me is resentment in some form or other. And I can see there is only one person who can fix this. It all looks so doable, and so commonsensicalā¦
Iām no longer scared to look - and no longer scared to feel. I can feel myself fully, without dissociation. And Iāve stopped judging myself as a failure every time I donāt feel good. Letās just be factual about what we feel. How about that?
This morning I determined that the human condition would just keep pulling itself back in. That nothing else will work except for me to choose to change, and choose to feel good each moment again.
Iāve committed to that. Iāve thrown off the swaddling clothes of resentment and cynicism that I was so wrapped up in. I feel good. The world looks colourful and bright, music sounds amazing - I donāt feel in control. I feel naive; like I can genuinely trust this universe to take care of things.
Also - for once I donāt find fault with what is written on the actualism website. How could it be clearer?
- feel good each moment again
- enjoy and appreciate
- say yes to being here
- have fun
- delight in being here
- this moment is the only moment (the only moment you can change anything)
- choose to feel good
Of course the human condition will pull actualist concepts into itself, into its misery - and make it something to be bored with, frustrated with, defeated by.
Iāve struggled with all of this stuff. Nothing has created a turnaround like being completely sincere about how I feel and going from there. By finally giving up on blaming others, or situations, my body or even my personality or upbringing, for how I feel - then it becomes obvious that the problem is truly me at my core.
Itās very freeing to stop blaming external factors for how I feel. If how I feel is not the fault of external things, then it means I am also not reliant on situations or people in order to feel good either. Then suddenly itās in my hands, in this moment, and Iām not a victim of the HC any longer.
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Im finding a big component of feeling good over a sustained period of time (e.g an entire day) is the sensuosity part. This is important if I donāt want to have a high of āfeeling goodā that goes away again. It has to be sustainable.
Once Im in a decent mood, by tuning in to my environment (including what I feel) I can start to take pleasure in what is happening in the physical world as a sensory experience. Personally I remind myself of PCEs or of Richard saying the universe is perfect and not built for humans to suffer - just helps avoid falling back into helplessness.
At first everything looks and seems normal but as I start to tune in to what is happening, away from the usual neuroses of life, then I can start to appreciate more. Once a bit of enjoyment is there it makes it easier to appreciate. R&V once told me appreciating the initial enjoyment (and each feeding into the other) is what allows a PCE to happen.
Rn I can feel the enjoyment of being here building, but itās really sustainable - not like a high that Iām anxious will go away. Itās quite still and serene, because Iām not making waves affectively any more.
ā-
Speaking of anxiety - something thing to watch out for is if HAIETMOBA causes anxiety (which I know realise has been the case for me in the past). Is your first impulse to feel guilty or afraid that thereās a feeling there? Or like you already failed because you feel?
Well you didnāt haha. In fact the opposite. You have to be willing to clearly acknowledge how you feel. You canāt steer yourself in an affective sense if you donāt have your hands on the wheel to begin with. Feeling what you feel without too much judgement is so important.
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Ah nice I realise this is what I have been doing recently when I was driving. Enjoying and appreciating feeling good, and it builds on itself.
Itās like having a delicious meal, there is the experience of the taste buds being stimulated, the colours, textures etc and then on top of that there is the enjoyment and appreciation of the sheer fun of getting to do the thing!
It is like I am savouring the fact that I am feeling good and this savouring is the very enjoyment and appreciation.
Actually I really like this metaphor, to want to savour something is to want to enjoy and appreciate every bit of it!
Although gotta watch out for shades of gratitude or desperation seeping in.
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Tip of the day:
When you feel good - you want to keep it going. This is key. Enjoy and appreciate each moment again.
Itās much easier to keep feeling good (by enjoying and appreciating) than to get back to feeling good after being triggered. Much much easier.
If you feel bad about something, realise how it feels - how detrimental it is. Next time you feel good, look back at what it was that you were triggered by. Are you really going to let yourself āgo thereā again?.
The thing is that when an emotion triggers you, itās because you thought it was justified at that point. Once you feel good itās easy to see that was just a powerful illusion.
Once you are feeling good and can see that negative feeling/belief pairing wasnāt justified or valuable - in fact it was detrimental - decide that youāll never let it happen again.
Feeling bad happens when you think itās justified to feel bad - and so you are willing to give up enjoying and appreciating in order to let that belief speak.
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Iām writing a lot, but things are progressing so well Iām inspired to write and share.
I feel so good that Iām just crying with feeling good right now. You can cry and feel good at the same time haha. Itās such a relief I can feel myself just healing and healing every moment of the day . Also itās so easy and simple to apply the method 
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I honestly canāt even understand what Iāve done the last few years. How did I make it so hard when it literally isnāt. I think my main issue was running away from the brutal emotions I was feeling - it felt like stress was going to kill me - and as a result not being in a calm enough state of mind to get appreciation up and running even in a gentle/mild way. Gentle/mild appreciation is enough!
The key thing is to be in a half decent mood already, and then decide that you will appreciate this moment and keep that going. Itās like an ongoing endorsement of this moment - being mindful of the fact that certain triggers might cause you to deviate - donāt let them. Itās up to you and no one else if you decide to stop appreciating this moment.
I think you have to want it with all your life, to not feel bad. That takes the sincerity to understand the human condition in yourself, without judgement, obfuscation or hubris. Maybe it takes pain and suffering and the ādrama you had to haveā to get to a point of realising that how you feel is the definition of your experience of life.
I wish I could find words that were different to the website!!! Iāve always wanted to kind of disprove the website and find the ārealā secret of making the method work. And here it is working in me exactly as advertised.
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There are two things that dawned on my last weekend.
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being alive is its own thing.
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being conscious is it own thing.
The later requires the former, and the former doesnāt require the later.
That is, as my FWB friend said when I talked about it; perhaps consciousness is a by-product of intelligence.
Which means itās actually a free ticket.
The drama is a reflection of natural processes, which when no one is conscious of them, cause no suffering.
The conscious awareness of natural processes somewhere along the way involved itself and incorporated a āselfā.
Never required.
A vestige, of a by-product.
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Is this relating to stuff Ive said in my diary? Canāt say I follow the point you are making there Andrew
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This reminds me of Richard mentioning to Vineeto in the DVD - āItās that easy and itās that difficultā, although he is talking about self immolation but Iāve found it similar with applying the method.
Similarly Peter mentions in the virtual freedom DVD that looking back now he doesnāt understand what all that resistance to feeling good was all about! Yet when the drama was playing out it was all so very substantial.
I find it funny sometimes, yesterday for example I found myself swimming in purity one minute, where itās all so easy and from there thinking āhow could this ever be difficultā, then a few seconds later momentarily drifting back into some drama and somehow forgetting all that I was experiencing just a moment ago haha. In that instance seeing the shift was enough to get me back towards enjoyment and appreciation but itās a funny thing that happens. I always think this shuttling from the depths of ābeingā to purity is like this dementia like condition - of continually re-discovering that all is well after all.
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This has been my experience for almost one week now. Due to me not being able to compartmentalize well, the strong connection to pure intent has weakened. But I still have a weak connection. The signal still comes through. And as long as maintain that connection, I notice the shifts early and go back to enjoying and appreciating (at a minimum) quite easily. Personally, I go back by pressing the button to reconnect, waiting for the connection to take hold and then get back to E&A.
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Right now Iām in a state of much deeper awareness like I remember from one particular EE/PCE.
I can feel that awareness-wise Iām finally āon topā of me (almost no dissociation) - whereas usually itās always an attempt to control myself against the very strong power of feelings. Itās like Iāve been actively running away from this state.
I feel more calm and stable right now than Iāve done in a long time.
Itās so weird because from here I can say - wow this isnāt so hard - why have I always been running from feelings? Itās so nice when everything gets this still - especially my brain.
Usually my brain is like a torture machine lol. And following the actualism method has felt like having to control or battle this BEAST, and lose time and time again.
I actually think I do have a problem with the actualism method. I actually want to take back whatever I may have preached about the actualism method.
Of course - I feel good now - and it makes sense to keep this going. But this state is particularly naive and there is a high degree of awareness going on - to facilitate that feeling good.
I think at this point telling regular people to feel good each moment again is setting them up to fail basically. Maybe thatās the point - by having this impossible goal the feeling being eventually has to acknowledge that itās impossible without really going deep on naĆÆvetĆ© and awareness.
A lot of it depends on where that person is at, which aspects of the actualism website they have latched on to in particular, how they interpret actualist nomenclature and what psychological difficulties they come up against.
Iām not saying the AFT info is poor or advice/coaching from AF people doesnāt help - but I feel like there must be better ways to get people to understand what one has to do. Of course there may be idiosyncrasies about my own psychology/personality and/or my approach/interpretation of actualism that come into that. Cunningness may also come into play -
Iāll see how it looks retrospectively, later.
For example Iāve always tried to just enjoy and appreciate - but have definitely not put enough attention on being my feelings (and developing apperceptive awareness) to facilitate that. Now that I think back to one PCE in particular (the ābubbles in my cokeā one) - itās so obvious this is what I had to do. Repeat that.
Ultimately - at this point I trust my own intuition - and see that the only progress I can make is on my own. This has taken my application of actualism from an ongoing failure to align with ideals and behavioural standards, to finding a way that works personally and makes me more deeply motivated to change.
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Post script:
The key thing seems to be that it goes from a surface-level application of the method (which is no match for the instincts of this body), to something that becomes much more fundamental and changing at a deeper level of experience.
It could be that my ambition, determination and drive (plus survival instinct and whatever else) have kept me on that surface-level - as if this were a rational exercise and becoming free was just a real-world goal to achieve. Ultimately that has just put me up against my feelings time and time again - only to lose. Whereas itās become clear enough now that that has not worked, and that failure is giving me the courage and motivation to go deeper and discover the solution to the human condition for myself - not because I read it from a website or someone told me to do it.
It seems that that more fundamental awareness suddenly opens doors that were tightly closed before and clarifies what actualism is conveying.
I found this part particularly interesting, could you expand on what itās like to be your feelings and how it differs from what you were doing before?