Elgin's Journal

Journals
45

First thank you @geoffrey for your friendly welcome and the very helpful and informative explanations regarding my opportunity/event.

I really had to understand you first to respond adequately. Reading your response for the first time was not really clicking with me, but I thought a lot about it. I went back and read all the reports of becoming actually free again (but I didn’t find the one with the office chair) to then compare it with my own notes and experiances. I misunderstood several things completely!

This was definitely the problem I was facing. The push for me was done before the pull!
So in my mind I had done ‘my’ thing, my deed, all I could at that time. The single-minded focus, my whole attention before the pull was dedicated to end me.
I was absolutely dedicated. Nothing could take away my attention at that time. I couldn’t think about anything else, even if I wanted to. I was indeed surprised by myself and thought back then: “So I really, really want this!? Ok!”

The thing was now happening and I was “ready”. The pull was so damn strong that I could’t believe for a second that it was not strong enough to outright “kill” me. So I just took the ride/slide. I was sure, this is my end. It will kill me. That’s it. By folks!

It was after that first pull decreased in intensity that I, well, panicked a bit. I understood that it can fade again, that my death was not certain. It became a bit desperate later on. I just didn’t know what to do, how to reach it again. I’m not to sure if I was not ready then, because I was so damn ready! It felt so true and honest to me. I could’t conciously detect any resistance from me back then.

But I got it wrong. Completely wrong. This was “just” the pull and I did, well, nothing. I didn’t push at all. I wanted it to go faster, to die faster, but that’s not a push by any means. What for? It’s game over, man!

At that time I was under the impression that only Richard was actually free, while Peter and Vineeto would probably take forever. I knew that there would be a last resistance. That “resistance” for me was the moment I realized that this pull was not something PCE-related, but that it unmistakably pulled me straight into oblivion. It sure came as a shock, but I could within just a few seconds adopt and take that slide. From there on it was maybe the best time of my life. I have never experianced something so thrilling and exciting. I wrote back then: “I am shitting my pants while feeling exellent.”

And then I read this:

And yeah, I was absolutely not experiencing this.
All this happend for you while the pull was already happening. It was the last step, the last decision which never, ever occurred to me. So I was dancing with death, but I never faced it in the end. That’s a bummer for sure. It makes so much sense now. I was hoping for an easy way out I guess.

This is so good to know. It solves so many problems I was facing. I just couldn’t understand all of this. Now it all makes so much sense to me. What a great and helpful post goeffrey :slightly_smiling_face:

After that event I was pretty down. Like a dog licking his wounds wanting to go home. It took me quite a few weeks to completely recover from that “loss”. But all that isn’t important anymore. It happend. I learnt from it. I still don’t know if I could do it this time around. I’m much better prepared then in the past though. I went back to the basics after that and managed to feel even better than before on a constant basis.
I’m going a softer route this time around. I don’t push myself that hard anymore. First feeling good, feeling harmless, feeling energetic. I want to have this stable. I’m looking to care more for people around me, to share my attention and time with them. To have more intimicy with them. This will take time, but I really don’t mind. I want to have this link established. I’m taking an overall broader approach and I think it suits me quite well.

Thanks @FrankN.

I thought about it, but no. I don’t think so. I think it was a major catalysator for me back then. As far as I was concerned back then only Richard was free. I made links to the selected correspondence of Richard, Peter, Vineeto and the Glossary. That’s it. Nothing else. The rest of the site was just confusing and too disordered for my taste. My search for answers started after that event. Then I was looking deeper into this whole stuff and there I learned that Peter and Vineeto and other people were already free. I was pretty much dissapointed about it, because it meant that I had failed. I wanted to be the first free human beeing after Richard to blow up that psychic web for good. I saw myself as some kind of special, the one who could actually do it. The others were just talk no walk. I was pretty cocky back then. Honor and pride were very important to reach that step for me. I had this experience were I saw that I was directly responsible for all the insanity in the world and I couldn’t stand it. I had to do something about it. That let me into this whole gritty-serious phase and then to the super clean and clear phase.

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46

Hummmm just something I noticed in myself. I often feel intensely bad and upset after a particularly nice EE or PCE ends. Or maybe sometimes when self immolation didn’t happen.

But what I’ve come to recognize is not that im feeling bad I didn’t succeed. It’s that I’m pissed off about what my true nature is - a rotten insubstantial feeling-being that really has to go. So it’s like a digging in my heels. Like “fuck I guess I really can’t somehow survive this self immolation business”. I wonder if it’s the same for you but you’re misinterpreting the direction of the emotion?? Just a thought :slight_smile:

47

Hi claudiu: the above statement means what?
Like “I” hope ( digging in my heels ) to be able to self immolate and still keep “myself” intact ?

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48

Yes exactly. Then I see that I can’t and that spoils ‘my’ plans (to keep existing). And thus the being pissed at first lol. Of course the ‘me’ not existing part is the whole point so it’s only a temporary setback.

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49

Lol, good point Claudiu! :smile:

Yeah, there is definitely something. If I were to look deeper I may very well find something like that, as Geoffrey implied as well. I mean logically it doesn’t make any sense. Why would a self be dissapointed by surviving another day? That’s what I basically am - a survior. It doesn’t add up, but I still need a direct seeing of it. It’s not like I can just paste an answer over it. I have an extra light lit up for this thing. But it’s suprisingly difficult to get behind it. Like I would be cool to admit a defeat, but backing out? No way! There is still this honor/pride thing which is swirling around. I basically want to pet myself for my “achievement”. “You have done good boy. Wuff, Wuff!” :smile:
But yeah, it would be really shitty when this pops up in the wrong moment. I see you doggy!

This was my first and only self-immolation situation so far. I never experianced something alike. I had some weird ego-dissolution experiances in my spiritual days, but thats it. So I don’t know what reactions are normal or to be expected. For me it was, ahem, surprising that the method… well, actually worked! It was just a theorie, some kind of distant thing I had ideas about, but I could’t grasp it until it actually hit me.

With PCE’s its different for me. I feel very light and good when they are over. The atmosphere and energy of the event lasts for days, weeks and sometimes even months. But of course I often craved for a PCE or an EE. It’s when I felt to be in a rut or somehow disconnected from pure intent. When the clouds don’t seem to move away and I’m on my own again. In such moments I like to read about PCE’s to remind me what is “out there”. Then I’m pretty soon back to: “Hey clouds, nice try, but you can’t fool me!”

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50

I wonder if you could use that desire for achievement to push yourself over the line toward becoming free? What could be a greater accomplishment than that? That way it’s less of an obstacle than it gives you additional momentum.

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51

I think so too Henry. But I have decided to take a slower and broader approach. I have to acknowledge that I was not ready, that I “lost energy” on the last mile. There has to be a reason for that. Since this event which happend about 7-8 months ago I haven’t had any PCE. When I feel I’m near it I can feel a split-second resistance. It’s there. I feel it very precisely. There is a pushback.
I think the reason is that this whole event scared the shit out of me. Sure, I was able to adjust and enjoy it, but still. I feel I came to close too soon. This may also be a clever trick to waste more time, but it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes I even think this event did me a disservice. Sure, I have learnt a lot since then and feel better on a constant basis, but it’s like there is a new fear I have to tackle now. Something which was missing before. I guess it’s the knowledge that this “stuff” really, really works.
I couldn’t get behind it so far.

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52

You’re ringing bells for me, something similar happened for me/has happened for me after every PCE I’ve ever had, which is that I’ve had niggling doubts around desires for girls… those desires were not yet settled.

I spent maybe years trying to myopically focus on becoming free while all the long I had a powerful current of energy toward sexuality. I think I made a mistake by doggedly trying to ignore/repress that energy (desire isn’t actualism, right? Wrong!!!). In the last couple of months I’ve been allowing myself to use that energy, explore that topic which I sincerely desire in my very bones, and hitch it to actualism however and whenever I can.

What I started to catch onto was that I was generally quite dissociated and discouraged in my life, and this made it very difficult to generate the necessary energy to do actualism well, let alone to become free.

I knew I needed to generate more energy, and this has proven just the ticket. Now all that’s left is to bring up the sincerity & naivete to match.

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53

I’m realizing I skipped over the specifics of what you describe, that that fear is related to it ‘really, really working’ and not being ready to cross that threshold.

Maybe that’s something that having more PCEs could answer? You have to ‘try before you buy,’ to have the confidence that it’s worth it.

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54

Sure, but a PCE could lead to my demise, you see? :smiley:

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55

Maybe there is some security in knowing that ‘you’ are still the one that has to make that choice? No one can make you do it, but you

56

You are still hanging around this board also… you know that could lead to your demise too… :cowboy_hat_face:

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57

Oh, that is a good one Henry. Thank you for pointing it out. :smiley:

There is this this absolute “hate” of being pressured into something.
I want to have it in my own pace. I feel like I have put way to much pressure on myself in the past.

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58

You could have 20 more super-clear PCEs and still decide not to become free. But at least then you’d be making a very informed choice. From where you are now, there’s doubt in both directions

My take in this is always, go in whatever direction you’d like! But do it boldly. You are the one choosing what way to go. What success can we have with weak knees?

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59

What is it you notice emotionally in terms of resistance when approaching? I can relate to you quite a bit as I try to approach PCEs. My situation may be different than yours, but as I notice I am starting to feel better and better, and be more sensual, little pings of fear or pushing pop up.

Same.

Hell yeah

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60

It is fear I guess. Hard to spot, because it arises in a split-second and vanishes as fast as it came. There is an interval before a PCE, a short build up until it happens. Sometimes you notice that colors/objects are more vibrant, you begin to smile for no reason etc. In that interval I feel something like a startle response near the plexus. Like when someone slams the door the next room. It’s a little scare. It feels like: “No, not yet. Not now” kinda thing.

I’m not entirely sure if my event was the cause, but it makes logical sense. At least I wasn’t aware of this before it.

61

This resistance has happened to me many times, just as you describe, so I doubt that it was a product of your experience but rather that you never noticed it.

62

This mirrors my experience, though for me it often happens before the stage you’re mentioning. Once or twice I’ve gotten to the point where things become more vibrant or I’m smiling for no reason. But those have devolved for other reasons. More often than not, I’ll be feeling better and better and then become excited / fearful for a split second.

Please let me know if you make any progress here. I’m wondering if there’s a way to lean into the thrilling side of it as Richard says, and keep progressing anyway. Seems like that ‘thrilling’ element would need to subside before a PCE could happen. But maybe it doesn’t have to for immolation?

Elgin seems pretty sensitive and aware to me. I think he’s simply correlating his experience of almost immolating to this new fear that seems to be popping up now.

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63

Of course; as he said, the event could be the cause (i.e., something new).

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64

Great you point that out @Miguel. It is very probable that I just wasn’t aware of it before and became super sensitive to it afterwards. One can never be too sure if there is no direct seeing of it.

Good to know that I’m not the only one who noticed it or became aware of it.
There are at least three people now who experienced something similar, which is a great and helpful information in itself.

Absolutely. I’ll write something about it the moment I have new information. I’ll link it with your username for sure. I’m observing it at the moment with a good dose of naiv curiosity.

Sensitive for sure, but I have quite often connected the “wrong dots” in the past and came to false conclusion as a result. Logical conclusions are just not good enough within “our job” I guess :smiley:
I always stay open for inputs from everyone here. You are welcome.

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