Elgin's Journal

Journals
65

Lately I have been approaching different ways of overcoming my single-minded attention on me - and me alone. I saw at some point that this method has served me quite well, but that it is reaching it’s limits. My inspiration was that I would be something like a superhero “me” who would save this body for the sake of everyone else. I knew that I would die, but the thought of this body reaching it’s full potential motivated me. I wouldn’t be there to see it unfold, but I had the hope that the body would at some day look back at “me” and say: “Well done my friend. You did an incredible job. You are my hero.” This hero fantasy gave me the necessary impetus to reach for the “impossible”.

I realized at some point that this is super-selfish and cannot bring the goods. I can’t “activate” altruism with that approach it seems. At first it was just logistics: come to the point, to the brink, then activate altruism - finished. But I slowly begin to understand that there is something very valuable in caring, closeness and friendliness I have overlooked all the time. For a few weeks I’m running a particular question in my head:
“Do I really want peace on earth for everybody?”
“Like really?”
“For every single individual on earth?”
“Everyone and everybody?”

The results are quite interesting and show me exactly where I stand at the moment. At some days I want it, while on other days I just don’t want it. There are certain persons in my life where I have difficulties to imagine peace on earth for them. I sometimes just feel they don’t deserve it. Certain persons have done so much damage, created and still create so much suffering for other people that I have a hard time taking them on my boat. There is a clear reluctance in doing so and I sometimes wish I could somehow bypass them on my way to freedom.

Just yesterday I had a little conflict with a co-worker which is my superior. She is not the my boss, but still a higher up. She was somewhat criticising my pace of work with a “funny” remark. I was pretty cool and asked her if she even knows what I am doing right this moment, because from her position she can’t even see what I’m doing behind my desk. A few colleges started to laugh about my comment and I felt a bit validated. But then she returned the favor and suggested that she may start controlling me form behind my desk in the future. It was not funny at all, with a very serious tone of voice. After she went a few co-workers approached me started to talk bad about her. I had no interest in joining them, but what I gathered is that most people absolutely hate her guts. After reflecting upon the situation I realized that even with all my good intentions I feel the same. I don’t like that woman at all. She is callous, vicious and always angry. She creates so much problems for all the co-workers while not even being needed. When she is on holidays everything works just fine. The atmosphere is much more relaxed and fun and everything gets done anyways. Now what about her? Can I include her in my boat? I have a hard time doing that. I can understand that she may have a miserable life and that her past hurts may have caused her to be such a shitty person, but… is it really my problem? Why do other people need to suffer for that? Why do I need to include such a person in “my” intimacy, my closeness, my friendship, my harmlessness? Sometimes I’m quite repulsed by it to be honest.

That question was a good question. It shows me exactly what I have to work on.

2 Likes
66

This is an interesting one that I have also been looking at. On one hand I want to say - Well not all people know about actualism and that it is actually possible to be happy and harmless so we cannot use the same standards to measure everyone against.

Yet there is many well meaning people who have no clue about actualism and still manage to not be complete assholes so how do you excuse those shitty people? Do you excuse them?

I think ultimately what makes this an issue for me though is that those people expose a morality within me, as hard as it might be to accept this for an actualist :stuck_out_tongue:. Perhaps they expose the fact that some of ‘actualism’ is currently being carried as a moral/belief system. With nothing to defend I have no need to attack, and yet to project moral blame onto someone is a form of attack.
As always it seems the problem is in ‘me’ (oh why can’t it ever be someone else that should change, at least my angry boss! :laughing:)

3 Likes
67

Actually the 1 thing that demonstrates this thing in me is driving. Driving to me is always a perfect demonstration of the human condition all around, there are certain streets here in the UK where it is like I have entered a jungle, utter madness :laughing:

People parked in all sorts of places that cause congestion and potential accidents, constant beeping to ‘stick it to them’ for actions which could easily be rectified with cooperation instead, a general disregard for any sort of rules of the road which are there for smooth running and safety for all, just a free for all instead, every now and then the speed racer, whizzing in and out of moving traffic and thus putting himself and others in danger and so much more :laughing:

All these actions which are done from the anonymity of being hidden inside ones car, really show the fundamentally inconsiderate and self-centred nature of individuals and haven’t I worked myself up about it enough times :laughing:

Yet there is some sort of morality/resentment there which is getting triggered in me, hence getting emotional about it. This is what I was referring to in the previous post.

1 Like
68

Yes, it is a form of morality. I’m not quite sure if it is a actualist-morality or a common morality (get your shit together, your grown up). I can see that many people are stuck within reality-mode without any way of escaping their fate. They live their life without any alternative. Just jumping from one belief to the next one. We are in a very privileged and “blessed” position here, because we have found a alternative to this mess. Maybe I can look at all that from this position, of having had damn luck in finding it thanks to Richard and his efforts.

But again, why don’t they do something about it, anything? We all came here, because we wanted to change, to find a solution. Why don’t they? But I guess it’s where ‘I’ come in. ‘I’ can do something about it. ‘I’ can’t wait for them to make a move and they don’t need to. That’s the tricky part of it - they don’t need to! :smile:

2 Likes
69

If they were free, they wouldn’t be ‘themselves’ anymore, aka the ones that caused the damage + suffering

Additionally no one particular person can cause suffering, it’s our imperative to suffer as well as to cause various dramas in our antics. Some just cause more dramas than others, but we all do it

1 Like
70

I think this morality may be going both ways, as in “what is wrong with them” but also in expecting ourselves to act in some angelic way

It’s a different thing to ask, “what is the best thing to do?” And it can look very different than the various loving actions that have been ingrained into us.

Sometimes really the best thing to do is to tell someone what for. For everyone, and even for that individual. Richard pointed out that fighting back makes sense if an aggressive country is invading and threatening death and destruction. The same can be true on the individual level. This ‘turning the other cheek’ is a spiritual-Christian injunction which does not work in the real world (let alone the actual), it just enables such aggression to continue forever and a day.

It’s very strange & interesting to genuinely ask, “what is the best thing to do right now?” with regards to whatever situation.

Yes I want her and whoever else to become free, but for her to become free would mean a fundamental change in her entire character. She would not act remotely the same as a free individual. She would no longer be causing such dramas out of insecurity. I want her to become free because she IS the suffering, the sufferer, the authority, the victim, and all the rest - just like me.

2 Likes
71

Yes, you are right. I guess my problem is that I can’t even conceive such people to be ever free. There is so much standing in their way to even make a move towards freedom.
I guess these people trigger a fear within me. The fear that humanity is forever doomed as long as these kind of people exist. Which may point towards my own fear of never achieving it myself.

Again, you are on the point here. I try to be the best possible in these situations which often translates as being kind, forgiving, looking away from it while secretly harboring malicious feelings towards them.
There is again fear in that. The fear of further escalating the situation (endangering my security) and failing to be a “good actualist.” That smacks of spirituality with it’s love and compassion snare.

Good points Henry.

3 Likes
72

It does seem unlikely that that particular person will become free in their lifetime, and I would add to that most other particular people. Luckily you & I have the ability to control what we do with ourselves, so we have a pretty good chance!

There’s something a little circular in feeling discouraged about one’s prospects of becoming free: We have some internal reason why we don’t think we can do it, which we don’t want to investigate because we’re feeling discouraged. But what if you did just get up and investigate it? The issue can only be settled one way or another by looking into it, not by sitting on the curb.

1 Like
73

Today I had one of these magical moments I encounter sometimes. It’s not a PCE or an EE, but a memory, a remembrance.
Often something I experianced in my childhood. It is not a “normal” memory of some happy times. It is much deeper and potent then that. I mostly don’t remember the specifics or circumstances, nor do I remember the people I was with at that time. There is very little information conveyed, but what is conveyed is an atmosphere, a fragrance of that specific moment.

It is very difficult to convey it, but it feels like I’m standing on a fountain of gladness which encompasses my whole beeing. It feels truly remarkable. Like everything is lightening up around me, like my bubble dissapears and I can see that perfection always was, is and will be. It’s like actuality is penetranting me through an unknown device. What is it? I don’t know, but I’m perfectly happy and content.

7 Likes
74

That’s very cool, I’ve had many similar experiences with these special memories being unlocked but I never know quite how to describe this!
They are like memories of perfection experienced in my childhood, they always have this magical atmosphere to them.
There is one that came back just now - of me, my brother and dad going to a forest in Poland to collect conkers. I remember the vivid colours of the forest all around, we were using the conkers to make little figurines out of them. I remember being so amazed by these conkers, they were infinitely interesting to me, their shape, smoothness, colour, the spiky outside shell, the word wide eyed wonder describes it perfectly!

3 Likes
75

It is very important to remember and communicate such childhood experiences to people because, with very little room for doubt, they were PCEs (or at most EEs).

When people believe they have never had a PCE and claim they cannot conceive the actual world, it is an invaluable tool to share childhood stories such as those. VERY often they will say “Oh! I experienced something like that when…”. It is a very valuable gateway that suddenly opens to the AF theory/framework.

4 Likes
76

Lately I’m thinking a lot about agreeing, permission, and allowance in general. What does it even mean in regards to oneself? How to do it? Who is asking and who is responding?

Felix’s writing a few days ago about the “basic resentment of being here” resonated strongly with me. I remembered a scene where I was driving home when I suddenly felt intense anger, or rather, frustration arising. I was inquiring, but didn’t get an answer. Just the pure feeling. I felt somehow offended by something or someone I couldn’t locate.

I tried to let it go. Later, a rather cynical sentence popped up in my mind: “Nobody asked me.”

I was rather amused by it. Nobody asked me? What does it even mean? I’m the one doing this stuff all the time, no? I thought it was some kind of stupid trick. I “laughed it away”.

The other day, while driving home, I tried to refresh this memory, this feeling again. I knew something was amiss. A few minutes later I found it again. It was there. I was angry and pissed at myself. What followed was an inner “conversation” that surprised me.

This is it in a nutshell:

  • I asked myself for permission, sure, but nobody asked “ME”. What about “ME”? Did I! agree to this actualism stuff? No!

  • What about my family, my friends, all my memories, my beautiful childhood?

  • What about all the things I’ve done, all my deeds?

  • What about MY feelings?

  • What about MY fate?! Have I deserved this? Death? What could I possibly have done to deserve such a cruel fate?! Have I killed someone? Are you crazy? Is this just a stupid joke for you? Has someone brainwashed you into this?

  • Why are you such a piece of shit? Always pushing, pushing, pushing.

  • So what if I’m just an illusion? I couldn’t care less.

  • I’m not ready. Leave me the fuck alone.

At the end I had tears in my eyes. I haven’t cried for ages.

I realized I was just running over “ME”. But then again, this is not entirely true. I remembered the day I decided to change my life. I was in a very bad place back then. My love, my life, my destiny had to leave me. My girlfriend, a refugee from ex-jugoslavia had to go back to her county. The German state decided this over our heads - a cruel fate. I lost touch with my reality and couldn’t believe what was happening. After a few months of immens misery, I went into the bookstore to look for self-help books. I bought dozens of them, but nothing helped. It was hopeless. Then one day I casually stumbled over the book “Freedom from the Known” by Jiddu Krishnamurti. This was it! Freedom from me. Freedom. Absolute and total freedom. A new state for human kind. It blew my mind and completely transformed my life. I wanted this like nothing else. Freedom became my top priority in life. This was “MY” decision. It was “ME” and no one else. I can’t just ignore that. This was not an ego-thing. I wanted it with my whole being. Somewhere along the way, I lost that part of myself in an attempt to push forward. That part which needed more time. Now I understand.

It was the right decision to go slower and broader. I knew something was wrong, not ready, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Now I feel it. The part of me that is standing on the brakes. I could never sense it out before. Now it’s “visable”.

It is shy, it doesn’t trust the entire process. A few hours of perfection versus 41 years of intense knowledge of how to deal with the world. Not a fair game by any means. I personally know that purity, but can I trust it the whole way? I’m not entirely convinced yet. Can I like it? The world as it is with the people as they are? I need to go slowly here. Can I allow myself to let it happen? To let pure intent guide me? I’m on it with fresh and new eyes. Back to basics again.

4 Likes
77

Wow Elgin, the way you wrote this; I feel like I have read a whole book, so wonderfully and
genuinely relayed. The way you and others on this forum keep “peeling the onion”
does not stop to amaze! And you don’t even have to be an actualist to benefit from reading
the posts on this forum. I am very glad to be exposed to this practical wisdom.

78

I saw a very intersting thing the other day.
As long as I’m not entirelly me, as long as there is a split, a gap, a whatever between me “and” my emotions “I” am safe. Nothing can touch me. Whatever I do, as long as I don’t do it as a whole, there is not enough energy to bring me to an end.
This dawned on me like never before. I as a whole “versus” the actual world. There are only two “whole” things, a half-baked thing is doomed to fail, forever.
The contrast has to be stark, as clear as night and day.

I’m slowly becoming friends with me again. This can only been done “together”, as one movement. I feel really, really good and reliefed since beginning with this approach.

5 Likes
79

Becoming friends again is my main theme.

It works wonders. I have learned so much in these past few days. I know see how I made actualism into a system, a set of rules.

But how can a system free itself? It doesn’t make any sense.

Like a vulture, I was circling around me, ready to attack myself at any moment if I showed any volnurability. And then, when I would stumble or show any signs of weakness, I would attack, kill me, and feast on my cadaver. I waited for this moment, and I was afraid of this moment.

I know see that I tried to become free with my ego. A very bad call. I see now that the self is the energy source, but the ego is merely structure.
It has no power of its own. It’s barriers. It cannot do the job.

But both together are an entirely different ball game. Ego goes out of its way most of the time and only provides assistance when figuring out how the structure impacts emotions and feelings. Most of the time, it’s still. Most of the time, it’s not necessary.

We were conditioned to fight each other, to be enemies. We are indeed two separate identities. Now I see it for the very first time.
Now we both go hand in hand, helping each other. It works like a dime.

In some sense, I figured out that I really have to do it my own way.

3 Likes
80

What do you think about:

‘I’ am naturally enemies. ‘I’ am unhappy and hate everything, including myself. I create enemies everywhere

Perfection is an entirely different paradigm

81

That’s too simplistic for my taste Henry.

I’m part natural, part artificial. I as society created a second identity to restrain myself, but I “forgot about it”, am not aware of the split. I made an enemy out of myself, the villain. That isn’t true at all. I did nothing to be born that way, it’s not my fault.

I am incomplete, limited, broken, but not the villain in the movie. There is no such thing.
I do the thing I was “programmed” to do, survive at any cost. Since experiencing purity, a PCE, a time without me, I know that I have to do something about it. But without being entirely me, totally me, knowing me thoroughly, I cannot do anything. The Ego was trying everything to stop me from knowing me - for good reasons. But with pure intent I don’t need a structure anymore. It is there, giving me a stable trajectory.

I can just be while learning about me. I create a landscape of me without any superimposition. Otherwise it’s merely following a pattern, a structure, heresay. It is really meaningless.
That will never do the trick. A pattern cannot free itself. I see this like never before.

How could I ever make a decision without knowing me entirely. There will always be a gap, a free space, some unknown element which could potentially bring in the goods.
Until then I cannot sincerely decide.
Who or what should decide to do such an enormous thing? A partial me can never do it. I’m ready to do it when I see it with my “own eyes”. Not before it.

I treat myself with respect, with friendship, with sincerity, while being aware of my true nature. Never again will I put myself down for being who I am. It never made any sense.

To make things short: Be friends with yourself. It works :slight_smile:

4 Likes
82

Ooh Elgin, that is so “eye opening”. I am so glad to see this now, otherwise I could be “patterning”
for years without getting anywhere much.

I probably still will be “patterning” to some extent, but at least I am more aware of “me” doing it,
so hopefully I can catch “me” sooner and sooner each time :sweat_smile:

83

The last few days I have noticed a change within me. I feel better then ever before. Life is getting more easy, though my work life is more challenging then ever before.

I’m very rarely concerned about the future anymore. It is much more pleasant now. I’m more in the moment not concerned about much to be honest. Things are working out.
Old triggers which used to bother me a lot seem to rarely touch me anymore. If they do I feel them through and they quickly subside. Sometimes I label them and inquire about them, but most of the time I don’t need to. I know them, it’s clear what is going on. It’s like they become boring and uninteresting with time. Like catching them mid flight without returning them.

Just yesterday I sat at a Cafe and talked with my friends about life in general. It was very funny and lighthearted. Then we moved to more difficult topics, like living with our woman, living with kids etc.
Allmost everyone had something to share about a difficulty in their life. I guess I was the only one who was really at peace at the moment.

And there it was: I felt envy. Envy!
About having no major problems?
Of course I checked this to be sure.
Yes, it was envy, because I didn’t have that.
Nothing to contribute. But not only that.
There was a deeper disappointment about having nothing to get angry or upset about.
It felt like I have lost something very important and valuable.

I needed to know what this is and inquired almost the whole day about it.
The best I came up with is a lack of stimulation. The bad feelings really stimulates me, pushes me to think, work and do things. But this quietness, this being at ease is accepted, but only so far. At one point I must do something about it. Solve the problem of being at ease. Incredible.

I wondered if there is really no stimulation.
What about the body and the senses?
I went for a walk and I could take it all in.
The stimulation is there, all around me.
The air, the sounds, the colors…
I was completely at ease and I understood that it’s not enough to shrink, but that it has to be replaced with something better, the actual world. The joy of being here as this body. After that I had a beautiful evening with my girlfriend. Being alive is just so damn good. So damn good. That was all I could say when going into sleep.
“So, so good.”

4 Likes
84

Awesome! I was saying this very same thing to @Sonyaxx yesterday :smiley:

My mum messaged me asking something about my dog, like how do I think it is going to go when I bring him to my dads (he has a kid and a dog) and the only answer I could muster (genuinely) was - I will see :joy:.

I noticed right there and then that this investment into creating stories about how the future will go has largely stopped, I have lost interest in that. Like I could finally see that I just don’t know how it is going to go until I am there, how could I possibly know. When my mum asked me the question she was essentially asking what theories do I have as to how the future will pan out and whether I should worry or whether I am entitled to feel secure in the future. And in that moment I realised that I had 0 interest in that game anymore. And man this one took a LONG time to click!

2 Likes