So the last few days have been really interesting for me. Since the PCE I have been in a weird in-between. On one hand the couple of days after the PCE my days were almost like an ongoing excellence experience, like I was on the verge of entering a PCE at all times. The world was magical and ‘I’ was so minimised as to almost be insignificant, definitely causing very little trouble of any kind. I was working in York on Saturday which is a popular tourist city in England and I was walking through the little cobbled streets in wide eyed wonder, I remember thinking to myself that this is as if I am in a scene from lord of the rings and I am taking a stroll through middle earth haha.
There was a very significant sense of all vibes being minimised or not in play at all. I couldn’t feel people out but instead I was experiencing them directly along with the sights and smells of the surroundings. Everything had that magical, fairytale like quality.
On the other hand I have been stuck in a fear fuelled drama about my physical death which comes and goes in intervals along with that experience of excellence. I have had a few illnesses lately, nothing actually serious however I have been blowing it out of proportion and convincing myself that I am dying and that I will physically die before becoming actually free.
It is all really bizarre because it is ‘me’ being afraid of dying before becoming free and yet ‘I’ have to die anyway in order for this body to be actually free.
This I can see pretty well from that ‘observation from a PCE’ that I wrote about. I can see that it is really the end of the road for ‘me’, complete extinction. I can see that ‘I’ never get to complete ‘my’ quest then taste the fruits of ‘my’ labour. Because that place exists where there is no ‘me’ and in order for self-immolation to happen ‘I’ need to become extinct, not just going into abeyance as in a PCE. ‘I’ cannot test the waters and see what actual freedom is like, to an extent that is possible via pure intent but not the irrevocable part, that seems to be the unknowable. The only way to know it is to already have disappeared into oblivion. It seems this is what pulled me back during the PCE, it was not so much fear of death but more an inability to comprehend/allow the irrevocable part, the part which ‘I’ cannot know in advance.
It’s crazy to look back on just how much I’ve gone over in the last year and a half, to have arrived at a place where it seems I am sincerely contemplating a possibility of self immolation. When I started this it was only possible as an intellectual exercise because I had to clean myself up first. I could not have been genuine about disappearing back then because I was too involved with the real world drama. It seems I had to get to this stable plateau of feeling good where a possibility of something else is now being contemplated as an actual possibility as opposed to a fantasy or just ‘wishing for it’.
Still it seems the most bizarre riddle to solve but things are happening for sure, things are shifting and I know I am moving towards that place that I have had glimpses of.
It seems for now the only thing I can do with this fear fuelled drama is to continue becoming aware of it and see exactly what it is all about then continue finding my way back to that magical wonderland.