Contemplating self-immolation

[claudiu]

Things have powered-down yesterday and today - its like i am letting the daily life things allow myself to get upset and resentful, and down the old patterns yet again. this is way less good than the amazing thrilling nearing-the-destiny way of living !

[Kiman]

@claudiu

I saw that a missing component was a desire for intimacy. just on my own, i didn’t recognize this lack, but once she came back I saw that this is above and beyond just for me.

Can you explain what “I saw that this is above and beyond just for me” means?

[Kiman]

@claudiu

the “lack of caring” looks like it is a big reason to go away from safety. this is like the “forgetting” about it that i mentioned (a few weeks?) ago , it’s sort of like an ‘eh whatever’ and then not putting the effort and energy into getting back to safety. and its like why ???! lol . caring is key , this thing i am doing / we are doing does actually matter

By “lack of caring”, do you mean “lack of commitment”?

[claudiu]

@Kiman

@claudiu

I saw that a missing component was a desire for intimacy. just on my own, i didn’t recognize this lack, but once she came back I saw that this is above and beyond just for me.

Can you explain what “I saw that this is above and beyond just for me” means?

Sure, the grammar is a bit wonky cause I was writing off the cuff. I meant that I saw that this - self-immolating - is about way more than just being for the benefit of ‘me’ or this body, or doing it for myself. It is about doing it for every other body as well.

@Kiman

@claudiu

the “lack of caring” looks like it is a big reason to go away from safety. this is like the “forgetting” about it that i mentioned (a few weeks?) ago , it’s sort of like an ‘eh whatever’ and then not putting the effort and energy into getting back to safety. and its like why ???! lol . caring is key , this thing i am doing / we are doing does actually matter

By “lack of caring”, do you mean “lack of commitment”?

No I mean literally a lack of caring. As in apathy, like not wanting to consider it or to take action to solve a problem. As in letting things lie, letting things be as they are, out of a lack of any want desire or motivation to change the state of affairs even though the state of affairs is terrible.

[claudiu]

I think I see the key of out-from-control-ness

Any attempt ‘I’ make to ‘plan this out’ e.g. to say “I’ll just do this until it works”, is setting oneself up for failure because that means you are still operating under the illusion that the future exists, or even the present exists (and continuation of the present → future)

The key is to ‘break’ the static-ness , the only way it will work is if you’re in an unstable/dynamic way of being, because that brings the opportunity for something new to happen – and this is what out-from-control is, and this is why it is inherently thrilling, because that ‘anything’ can happen.

it’s not unstable as in will-have-a-psychotic-break of course… it’s just not predictable … but you need the firm target (actuality) to ensure you don’t go off the rails

so, my new “alarm bell” – if i’m not feeling the thrill it means i have reverted back to normal and something must be done !

[claudiu]

So whenever I have gotten ‘close’ the last few days I always have this burst of like “just do it!!”

And now I recognize that is insincere - it’s me telling myself to do it, which means I’m not all on board.

There is a deeper part of me - not gotten to before - that still has to agree and get on board.

So I ‘start over’ in a sense, build up from there, to reach a deeper level of sincerity !

This happened before too, but each time I experience myself as being further than I ever was before - so it is spiraling not circling , closer each time

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@claudiu Catching that insincerity in myself has led to me asking: “Really? After all this time, I’m still insincere?” And then I want to see why.

A friend of mine told me something useful awhile back: Look for the answer, even when it’s not flattering. It’s usually not flattering with these things in my experience