So far I am about 1/3 of the way through the book and it is super fascinating! The eery thing is that I can actually relate (in degree) to a lot of the qualities that the writer describes. Whether this is a sign of a degree of sociopathy or more intrinsic to the nature of ‘self’, I am not sure about.
Nowadays the way I am and the way I feel I cannot relate at all, but I do remember when I was younger, experiencing alot of similarities.
I remember when I was younger observing myself do all sorts of manipulative and sociopathic behaviours and wondering whether I might be a sociopath myself.
From a young age I was always pretty perceptive of people around me and also very malicious. I got very adept at being cunning and manipulative.
Then when I moved to England I was completely removed from any social interactions during my teenage years which meant that I observed that whole world from the outside.
When I began trying to integrate I very much had the sense of not really buying into the structures of society but rather doing it to create an appearance of being normal and I got pretty good at it.
I would say between 18-24 I lived a life of appearing normal and yet being extremely deceitful, playing the game whilst not completely believing in its rules. Life was this enormous construct of stories and lies that I prepared and practiced then enacted.
For example I was acting towards my friends in a way I observed a good friend would act, even though what was happening on the outside did not integrate at all with what was going on inside.
Interesting to think about, the cool thing is that ever since Actualism I can confidently say that those qualities have more or less disappeared.
Nowadays my day to day existence is mostly marked by sincerity, consideration and an assessment of what is silly/sensible.