Claudiu's Journal

[edzd]

@claudiu

Basically just due to habit and what I am famíliar with, it’s natural to take on actualism as a set of things I should or shouldn’t do. I should feel good … I shouldn’t feel angry … etc. i already thought I knew that actualism wasn’t this … no “shoulds” in it. But I feel like I have now observed it at a deeper level that I have been taking it as a set of shoulds.

Is there a paradox here of some sort? I’m not an expert in logic or the such. But technically, if things are going well then you should feel good. It’s just that you shouldn’t carry the attitude that you shouldn’t feel bad. Something like that… Maybe this is what the spiritualists mean by transcending.

Put another way, in basketball you should score baskets. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do so and attempting to avoid missing. That’s the point. It’s when things cross over into moralistic territory and perhaps this is what you mean when you’re saying moralistic thinking is a layer above the actual?

@claudiu

I can feel bad if I want. It feels like there is no reason not to feel bad. I think before I would avoid this because it meant I’m a bad actualist. Of course there is a reason not to feel bad … … isn’t there?

I suspect this is a trap people fall into over and over. I have taken to reminding myself that I should be a feeling being first so I don’t fall into the trap of being too dissociated from feelings to fully recognize them.

@claudiu

it’s not that there’s a moral or set of rules question of that I shouldn’t feel bad and I should feel good

I tend to think morals are perfectly fine if they’re fully appreciated for what they are: a set of quick and dirty rules for understanding life. Kind of like a tutorial for life that can provide shortcuts but is no substitute for thinking for oneself.

[edzd]

omg @claudiu, think faster and be pretentious with me

[claudiu]

@edzd

@claudiu

I am at a point where it seems tricky to talk about actualism without seeming pretentious.

you’re telling me I think it has more to do with society not appreciating someone applying their own intelligence unless they earned the title of authority. what say you? do you think you personally sound pretentious when thinking/writing about actualism?

I think it’s more like, I’m talking about something I haven’t fully actualized myself, so who am I to be writing about it? And it feels like anything I say, it will come off as if I’m certain, even if I’m writing that I’m not certain (it’s a common ploy for people to be like I dont really know, but… and then write as if they know). So instead of all that… it seems better to just contemplate it more!

@edzd

Is there a paradox here of some sort? I’m not an expert in logic or the such. But technically, if things are going well then you should feel good.

It’s using ‘should’ in a different way. Here you’re using it as “it naturally follows” or “it makes sense to” or “it’s sensible” etc. But I was using it in the sense of “ought to” or “be obliged to” or “have an obligation or responsibility to”.

There’s no obligations in actualism. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again but when I wrote this post here it just seemed to sink in in a newly deeper way than before. At least it is spirals, not circles .

[claudiu]

Elgin's Journal

I have experienced a strong pull at times, though not as intensely as you describe here. Or maybe it was and I forgot lol. I experienced it like a “sweet spot” (as in a Goldilocks zone) of pushing/pulling. If I’m out of the zone and I push too much then I don’t get anywhere, it’s me pushing me and I fall in on myself — I finally realized this won’t really work about 2 years ago but I did it a lot leading up to that. If I don’t push enough then nothing happens of course. But when I’m in the z…

[claudiu]

Things seem simple. My experience of pure intent is that it’s always constantly there in great abundance, underlying everything. I experience it much more closely than before. Before it was like a sort of far-way yellowish tinge that maybe I could peek at. Now it’s like an abundant field of cool colorless blue and breath of fresh air that is always evident.

But even so it’s not always active! I stress about the house buying and work. But I don’t feel bad about being stressed. I don’t feel good about it either - it’s just what I am experiencing. I’m allowing myself to feel things more fully than ever before. And I feel a lot of things! But it’s not a regression. I always was this way it’s just before I would kick myself for feeling things. Now I don’t so I’m free to feel them. And feel them I do! And overwhelming they can be haha. But this lets me see myself in action more clearly.

It’s clear that waiting for the purity to do anything won’t work. I have to activate it. But I see it doesn’t make sense to force it. I can’t pretend like I want it in order to get closer to it. That would just be fooling myself. So I don’t pretend anymore.

Instead it’s about sincerely wanting it. And contemplation does wonders in that regard. Everything really seems so simple once you have a bedrock of benevolence and benignity “supporting” you, and you remove morality from the equation. The simplicity is immensely pleasurable and very drawing. I don’t have to worry! How amazing is that?

[claudiu]

@geoffrey

Geoffrey: I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born

This is really doing it for me. Not only the ‘done’ part but then especially the felt part. Give up all I’ve ever felt, really ??? That struck home in a way that made me recognize just how much all I essentially am is feeling. I am the act of feeling, nothing more or less than that… I am nothing else (not the body, not thinking, not sensations, not the figuring-out of things, not physical matter like the birds & the trees). That’s all I am! It’s not even that I am “feelings”… rather I am the act of feeling. A feeling is itself the motion of the feeling. No such thing as a static ‘emotion’. So I can never be still because I am this motion of feeling

[claudiu]

Latest is experientially asking “How immaculate can a mind be?” The answer so far is “amazingly so” with no end in sight yet ! !

[claudiu]

It’s strange but I want to say that the experience of experiencing perfection and purity , is a fact. It doesn’t make sense for me to think of an experience as being a fact, but that’s the word I wanna use. It’s a fact, it stands on its own - that’s the way things are.

And it’s also just obvious it’s not worth it to be missing out on that fact !

[cross.chrono]

How often do you have PCEs now?

[claudiu]

I don’t keep track per se. Not daily. But the way I wanna answer is to say “whenever I want to have one”. But I guess that has always been true

I have found many ways to get there. Like I can ask “is actuality still there?” and that will reliably get me very close to actuality. The flip into a PCE doesn’t always happen. It is easier to firmly keep in mind the facticity of the PCE tho even when not in a PCE. So that is cool

[cross.chrono]

Oh that does sound nice. When you say “whenever you want to have one” is that like a passive happening or an active choosing? If active, then why not always have one?

[claudiu]

@cross.chrono

When you say “whenever you want to have one” is that like a passive happening or an active choosing?

active

@cross.chrono

If active, then why not always have one?

Because i don’t always sincerely want one so the process is about getting myself to choose more and more, felicity and happiness and harmlessness and PCE, vs anxiety or stress or worry or desire etc

[son_of_bob]

That sounds awesome @claudiu. I have had the same realisation recently but for me being felictious rather than a full blown PCE.

[claudiu]

John

One thing that’s become increasingly clear to me is that I can’t be feeling something without me “really” feeling something, if that makes sense. For example in the past I would feel annoyed at a person. But I would say I’m not ‘really’ annoyed at them, I just feel annoyance but I ‘know’ it’s a silly reaction so I don’t “intent” the annoyance even if I experience the feeling of it. Or with desire, like… I feel a desire for this person or that thing, but I don’t ‘really’ want that, I don’t pur…

[claudiu]

I wrote this ~9 days ago:

Currently I am finding that desire is a big one for me. I’ve come to realize I like the feeling of desire, of chasing after something. I am realizing that this is because it gives ‘me’ a shape, it validates my existence. But as I don’t substantially exist it’s very tenuous. Meeting the object of desire provides a feeling that this accomplished feeling could be infinite and eternal, even though I simultaneously know that it absolutely is not.

It’s actually pretty silly because there is the actually infinite and eternal right under my very nose. I think the reason Enlightenment is so appealing is because people actually are looking for the absolute — whether in philosophy or religion (God) or eastern religion (Enlightenment) or finding the “correct” code of laws or moral behavior etc. What people don’t realize is the actually existing absolute - the universe itself - is right here already!!

I realize it but I still find myself chasing my desires. At the same time I am seeing how I don’t feel good when I’m doing this. And contrary to what I thought and experienced before, it’s actually ridiculously easy to get “back on track”. It just takes me wanting to do it, to getting back to that feeling good (which for me is suffused with pure intent now), and then within a few moments it’s happening again. But there is this strange pull back that I continue to feel in the background, to follow the desire again - and I realize the pull is me / is not ‘outside of’ me - but there it is regardless.

So this pull then , is the next (maybe last??) obstacle.

And this ~5 days ago:

I was able to see that what I was trying to do was stop desiring — while what works better is to continue desiring, but desire something else (namely actually freedom instead of the usual ultimately-fruitless pursuits). After all, I am a feeling being, the way that I want things is by desiring them! Somewhere along the way I picked up that desiring is ‘bad’ (not only Buddhism but from how I was raised too) and so then I thought I couldn’t ‘use’ desire to become actually free, despite it being explicitly said in many places that it certainly can be/must be.

After this I could no longer use this excuse of chasing desires. It’s clear it’s a matter of choice – choosing what to desire. I choose either way, whether I am aware of it or not.

After choosing to go further further in the actual freedom direction I’m finding things are a little strange. It’s like I’ve become a different person. Or more like there are two 'Claudiu’s (both feeling-beings), one is the senseless-desire-chasing Claudiu, the other is the sincere-naive Claudiu, who is writing this, and I feel like I’m on the “other side” of that senseless-desiring, I can look at it and it’s like somebody else was doing it (though I know it was me), and I can easily see how simply silly it is!!

So I’m not sure what to call it. It would sound like I’m describing a dissociative thing, but I know it was ‘me’ in the past too. The interesting thing is that even though ‘me’ as ‘being’ is very different there is still a consistency of consciousness. I know I’m not actually a different human being, it is just ‘me’ shaping ‘myself’ differently. […]

Anyway, it is much more enjoyable to be the sincere-naive Claudiu . But I am not out of the woods yet. Anything I could say about what I will do or won’t do though, I can’t see how I would say in a way that would hold water. It’s all up to me, there’s no outside force at play here. So it’s just a matter of continuing in this direction! Whether I will or not — I don’t know! I know 100% I don’t want to give up – this much is certain. Which means I either stay in limbo or go forward. Although my “limbo” keeps inching forward anyway haha. At a certain point it’s just a matter of going forward to what was previously unknown, come what may … …

Now I’m not that sincere-naive Claudiu, I haven’t been consistently, though I find my way back from time to time. It seems like I can just agree to be a different person haha, and leave the rest behind. It is a scary prospect – what will happen to me socially? – but I can’t stay in limbo forever.

I’m curious @Srinath @geoffrey if you experienced any such thing and/or the strangeness of this ? ?

[Andrew]

I was only just thinking about this very point, the place of desire, and specifically “what do I want?”

It sheds a different light on desire. Normally, it’s seemingly a “bad” thing, like you said about being brought up like that. It’s also a clouded thing, being the main focus of morality and social adjustment.

Then what is desire really? Considering that it’s essential for success in actualism!

It gets a bad rep.

[Kub933]

This is really cool to read I have had similar experiences lately, it’s always odd how these things synch up.

I have been observing this limbo too, it’s like there is not much more do to, no other direction I can travel anymore because they are all directions within myself.

Then at times (one happened yesterday) there is a genuine/sincere me that gets very close (it seems) to going all the way. In this case it eventually faded and now it’s back to the limbo. But I also observe that each time I am back to the limbo I build up even closer to the next ‘attempt’ so I am no longer dissuaded by this happening.

Yesterday when it happened I was driving my car and it became very clear what I need to do, there was very little drama around it, there was sincerity in the face of that which needs to happen. A seeing that setting myself free is to break that bond/agreement which keeps us all bound and in doing so it is demonstrating to others that we no longer need to remain within the human condition. This was clearer than I ever saw before. I could see that this is what all the actually free guys are doing all this time, that is their contribution, demonstrating by living example that this bond can be safely broken, no need to remain a being anymore.

[Andrew]

@Kub933

is to break that bond/agreement which keeps us all bound

Interesting. I am experiencing this talking with a woman. There is an expectation, a “bond/agreement” which I keep having to politely push through. Perhaps it’s the same with everyone; politely breaking this bond.

But as Claudiu ponders; where will that leave me socially?

[Kub933]

@Andrew

But as Claudiu ponders; where will that leave me socially?

I guess those fears of what will happen socially need to be fully explored and eventually put aside because where it will leave me is far superior, to turn this into a problem of how others will see me means there is more to look at first.

[henryyyyyyyyyy]

@claudiu

So I’m not sure what to call it. It would sound like I’m describing a dissociative thing, but I know it was ‘me’ in the past too. The interesting thing is that even though ‘me’ as ‘being’ is very different there is still a consistency of consciousness. I know I’m not actually a different human being, it is just ‘me’ shaping ‘myself’ differently

I was just thinking about this same concept yesterday

It’s about ‘who’ you’re ‘being’

So for me I’m used to ‘being’ a ‘lonely guy’ (with everything that comes with that). I realized I could ‘be’ something else. There are lots of ‘beings’ I could be, but as an actualist what I want to be is happy & harmless, aka a ‘naive guy’ (in the sense of ingenuous & delighted).

So it’s still Henry, but it’s naive-sincere Henry now

We’ve had hints of what that looks like in the past in EEs and IEs, it’s just about making the commitment to be that all the time

edit:

It occurs to me that another crucial element is that it’s always now, so the confusing situation you describe of there being a ‘sensible’ and ‘senseless’ Claudiu that seem to inhabit the same body is quite simple: when certain structures within the brain/self are triggered, the ‘senseless’ is occurring, and when they are not, the ‘sensible’ is able to operate. There is no contradiction in ‘you,’ it’s just that different ‘programs’ are operating at different times. During a PCE, ‘I’ am not really operating at all.