Wohoo well last night had a PCE, it didn’t take so long after all 
It came at night after a full day of highly sensuous experiencing. I was nearly always at that forefront where there’s a pureness of experience yet not fully pure (‘me’ still present) . At the parked car waiting for my partner, I took out my laptop and worked on the sidewalk, and even the laptop screen itself was experienced senuously. Even though it was a day I did a lot of computer work, nevertheless my mood was generally one having a lot of fun
At some point during what would normally be a stressful situation (going from car to hotel with dog and baby and luggage), I was nevertheless having a ball, and perceived that I was really close, on that cusp of it. And then there was the experience of the purity being everywhere, including in the ‘center’ where normally there was ‘me’! I remember a distinct joy and gladness at perceiving the palpable absence of ‘me’
A few days ago while wondering what prevents me from having a PCE I noted I felt like ‘I’ had to stick around to ensure ‘nothing goes awry’. I was very suspect of this being a fact, but during the PCE I took the opportunity to check this out and saw that there was simply no possibility of going awry! In other words I know experientially now (rather than just thought-out/intellecutally/from-having-read-the-AFT-site) that ‘I’ am not needed to be sure things don’t go awry. Nothing quite beats the experiential knowing
It wasn’t super long (15 mins maybe?) and it does kind of go in and out. I saw if I sort of went to a more ‘pondering about it’ mode it would end, but then if I just went for the experience I’d be back in it. Similar to the first PCE I had after coming across actualism. But immediately after there was not any backlash, I was just still having fun even though I noted ‘I’ was back
Later that night I was reflecting on the PCE and I realized the perfect way to describe is: “Instead of ‘me’ there was just the purity”. I noted an immediate attempt to intellectually reframe it as “I was the purity” (but not ‘I’ thinking it) and stopped going there. It was more accurate to say : “Instead of ‘me’ there was the purity” (not a direct quote of my thoughts at the time lol). But in any case… then I felt the backlash haha. Like a wall of emotion and feeling, that is sort of so chaotic and strong that I didn’t even directly feel it as fear (although it’s certainly fear)
But it was odd, so even though I now felt this fear I simply could not find anything to ‘connect’ it too. What exactly was I afraid of? I mean, nothing I had just experienced was in any way something of being worth of being afraid of. I found it really strange and it was almost like “eh cmon do I have to keep pretending I’m afraid of this?” However then I grew suspect of this distance from it and said ok if I’m not really afraid.. why not allow another PCE right now? Haha what wonders that works-- that same fear was clearly preventing the way. Ok so I do feel that fear (obviously), but… still I don’t see a reason to take it seriously
In the past I’d normally sort of ‘enshrine’ this as a ‘special’ experience (which it is!) but then not try to have a PCE for a while and sorta slack off… but instead I’m like well let’s have another haha. By today morning backlash was already basically gone and was another fully day of near-sensuous experiencing. Quite fun!!
My ‘plan’ is the answer to the ‘why am I afraid still tho?’ will just be having more PCEs haha.