It has really struck me and dawned on me experientially that I am nothing but feelings
For past few days while working I’ve noticed feeling of being driven, of pushing, this has felt different from working in the past where I would just be working and not noticing this feeling per se. Now I wonder if it’s not that anything has changed in terms of what I am feeling, but my perception of it has changed, as a result of the latest PCE on the rock face. IOW that which had been more subconscious is now conscious. I would certainly know I’m driven in the past too but it felt different now
And as I sat and contemplated about it yesterday I realized that this is literally who I am, I am these feelings, in this case the driven feelings. I am just one feeling after another, this is it, there’s no me that is separate or different from the feelings, no me at the center. In other words it is only an illusion that there is a me different from the feelings – I know you wrote @Vineeto that this is confusing me but I’m not sure entirely how it is the case?
It’s different than in the PCE of course, in the PCE there just never was a ‘me’ in the first place. I do feel myself to exist now, but I am seeing that I’m just the feelings one after the other, nothing besides this. It is taking a bit of time for it to sink in but I can already see the benefit, there is nothing really at stake if I am nothing other than these feelings. Another way to put it is everything is at stake, these feelings is all that I am haha… but what I mean is it seems it will become more clear that nothing of value will disappear when I disappear, no one will die, it will only be an illusory death, so there is more confidence to proceed (have to go with where I am at even though in the PCE it was all perfectly clear to actual Claudiu lol)
The upshot is I can fuel all this powerful and passionate affective energy into the propitious direction towards felicity and naivete. Instead of trying to stop or calm down this drive, it’s more about redirecting this same energy with equal (or even more) potency into being felicitous and naive, this is clear now.
Cheers
Claudiu