Brief update: I found that what really works to cut through any possible complications or hurdles or obstacles or whatnot, is seeing that I actually deep down do want this, to self-immolate, more than anything else!
In other words it isn’t a desire I have to conjure up or manufacture or get myself on board or whatnot. At the root, underneath it all – I do actually want this. This immediately orients me towards enabling just that to happen. All my passions line up for this purpose – aggressively pursuing it, desiring it above all, thrillingly going into it, for the benefit of this body and every body. It feels like endless layers of ‘me’ just slough off in a sense in the face of this unified sincerity. This really appears to be key, placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.
Going for intimacy has been really beneficial as well as it automatically orients me to something outside of myself (other people) and makes the target much clearer.
Today this led to whilst walking across a rock face, finding that the experience was now a PCE, an experience of actual Claudiu expertly clambering over the rocks. I was nowhere in particular as evidenced by the experience that the rock face, a sea cliff with the water undulating at the base, could be on Mars or anywhere in the universe at all as the experience would be the same whether it is there or on ‘Earth’. There was no past or future or even a present per se, there was just this moment. This was arrived at as a smooth transition, no ‘gap’ was discernable in hindsight during the transition from feeling-being to apperceptive consciousness. I clearly existed. Was I the universe? Well, I noticed that I am not this rock in front of me… but I am the experience of this rock. The immediate is the ultimate – I experienced this directly. There is no other way for experience to be. This what I experience as a flesh and blood body is the ultimate of what can be experienced. Here and now is all there ever is or was or will be. I am not a “part” of the universe, separated out… I am the universe, experiencing itself as this particular flesh and blood body! How simple and perfect!
And then I thought to contrast this with regular feeling-being experience, and now suddenly ‘I’ was ‘me’, experiencing the rock through ‘my’ senses – an immediately recognized shift, although again no discernable gap (very interesting!)
Following it was a common after-effect I’ve had after PCEs in the past sometimes, a feeling of… I don’t know exactly how to put it, but a negative feeling for sure. It had something to do with the comparing of ‘me’ the feeling-being vs how actual Claudiu was experiencing himself. I realized this was a ripe avenue of contemplation – what indeed, is this feeling about?
I saw that it has to do with ‘me’ viscerally knowing that ‘I’ was indeed completely absent, and, everything was far better off without ‘me’. In other words, not only am ‘I’ completely unneeded and superfluous, but ‘I’ actually make everything worse… and through much pain and striving (as ‘I’ experience it) and burden, too! In other words ‘I’ put in all this effort and it is seen to actually be for nothing at all
Then I realized just how very strange it was for this to be a negative feeling! I saw there’s really two components to it, one is the above, and the other is seeing that ‘I’ have to really go away, go extinct, ‘die’, in order for that to be the permanent experience. But all of this actually readily coincides with that deep-down desire, for extinction! The fact that ‘I’ am superfluous and it is better without ‘me’ is wonderful news because it means nothing will be lost. And that ‘I’ have to die for it to happen – well that is the whole point haha.
I would say it seems I have not fully come to terms with it yet as if I did it would all be wondrous fuel for the fire, but, something about seeing it so distinctly still has hit ‘me’ in a way…
The other overall thing I’ve noticed is that my experience is basically the same since going out-from-control, there is no shift into or out of it, and I distinctly experience it as different from ‘normal’. There is never any decision to make whether to self-immolate, it has already always been made. I would say it seems that when some issue comes up, I can feel like I am experiencing myself like I would in the past, but this is always seen to be a chimera, sort of a ‘pretend’ forming myself back into that way of experiencing. I have wondered if it’s just always been like this my whole life and I never noticed haha, but there was a distinct difference after going out-from-control so I would have to say it wasn’t. In other words it’s not just an intellectual re-framing of experience or whatnot, the experience is actually different.
Ok that’s all for now!