If everything was lined up 100% then it would be happening. So ‘I’ can get 99.99% ready and then it seems it is not possible for ‘me’ to align that last 0.001%. This reminds me of the Q and A from Australia, about the last piece of pizza that cannot remove itself, ‘I’ the controller cannot be the one to fit that last piece of puzzle in.
I was contemplating on this modus operandi yesterday, that it is a normal thing for an identity to want to have 100% certainty before proceeding forward, essentially ‘I’ want the step to have already happened before ‘I’ take it. I realised that this is simply at odds with the facts. That even in actual freedom things don’t operate like that, rather things happen and then one can find out the outcome. The outcome cannot be known for 100% prior to the event happening. For an identity this can be scary because ‘I’ do not have any genuine safety and security and so ‘I’ try to manufacture a feeling of safety/security by being 100% in control before things happen (or at least trying to lol).
In actual freedom there is no longer a need to generate a feeling of security (as there is an actual safety and security) and as such one can find out with delight each moment again.
But it’s clear that the step into the actual world cannot follow that logic of knowing the outcome before the action has taken place. This is a logic that can only have ‘me’ procrastinating forever. It seems that ‘I’ solve the puzzle 99.99% and then that last piece of the puzzle comes from something outside of ‘myself’. I think the way Srinath described it is on point :
I tried to get rid of ‘me’ somehow but could not do it. It seemed that something would happen and I had to now lie in wait and stay focussed on the ending in rapt attention. How that ‘last piece of pizza’ would go I didn’t know. I thought of that scene in the film Hellboy where the creature with the wings heals Hellboy and tells his girlfriend ‘I have done what I can… now give him a reason to live’. (Hehe what is with all these sci-fi movie references with this new bunch of actually free people!) I thought that I needed a reason to die. Not a fake or artificial reason. I needed something authentic that felt true to the core of my being. It would have to come from left-field.
In some ways it is not too different for any of the discoveries ‘I’ made along the way. In that ‘I’ would do what ‘I’ could to clarify the situation and “set the ground”, but in the end it was a seeing that was not of ‘my’ doing that would resolve the thing for good. It was always this delicious surprise when the fact was finally seen and the belief dissolved, and ‘I’ was never quite ready for it, ‘I’ never could plan it in advance or manufacture it somehow, which made it all the better when it happened! But even with a belief it makes sense, in that ‘I’ cannot know the answer to how the belief would be resolved as long as the belief is still in place, I don’t know until I know lol. The belief is a truth until it is seen to be a belief at which point it already disappears haha.
So ‘I’ can prep the ground quite marvellously for self-immolation to take place and then it’s over to the universe, and indeed how could I miss when the reasons to self-immolate are everywhere.
Thank you for your replies. It is a continuous probing until it happens and that can be the fun of the mystery solving
For the first time I am now seeing it like this, that it is a fun and marvellous adventure, how will it happen… ‘I’ could not possibly know and yet ‘I’ know it must/will happen. It does make the whole endeavour so thrilling, that ‘I’ will not know all the way until it is happening (then of course it’s known!).
It does feel like a huge relief, it was something you wrote to me a couple of days ago that made it click @Vineeto :
You must like being in the corner. I don’t see that you are in a corner. It’s a wide-open playground to dance and celebrate
It clicked that all the hard work in getting to where I am now has been done, initially I was still habitually hanging onto the same MO. But since then it flipped from this somewhat serious and strenuous task to a thrilling adventure. Also something where ‘I’ am not straining forward but rather ‘I’ am somewhat awaiting/anticipating for the mystery to resolve itself, with ‘my’ full concurrence.