Thought I’d write an update
Funnily enough I was thinking it’s been ages, weeks and weeks, since I wrote any update – and now I see it’s only been 5 days lol
It’s a bit of an odd period though. There is certainly something preventing me from continuing, but have not figured out what yet. The evidence there is a blocker / an objection is that the pristine purity is not shining forth as powerfully as I know it can!
Perhaps it is my drive related to work coming to the forefront. I set myself a goal for Dec 31st to finish, which I did and put lot of effort into – and there was no felt ‘reward’ for having done it, which was interesting! It just seemed like it was pointless to have set that arbitrary emotion-driven goal haha.
There’s still much work to do that I would like to get done since it’s been a few months on this task that I felt should not have taken so long – but OTOH rather than being driven I’m more feeling driven but also seeing the futility of feeling driven. It doesn’t necessarily make the work go faster! Actually the contrary, I get into a somewhat hyperactive state and although that is effective for a time, eventually ends up that I need more stimulation to maintain it, and the brain is too tired to work effectively so ends up being X/Twitter or something like this
But even so it’s not like I feel stuck in terms of progressing to self-immolating. It’s more like there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do, or latch onto, to ‘make it happen faster’. Anything along those lines it just seems like it wouldn’t be what delivers the goods
And at the same time, any self-flagellating for ‘falling back’ or ‘not progressing’ is also completely absent! It just makes no sense to do that.
In the past (before going out-from-control) probably what would have happened is I would self-flaggelate and then ‘try harder’ and keep doing this meanwhile being driven and sort of spiral away, until eventually I stop. Now the experience is more like I’m seeing the elements of this recurring – which is normal, it’s an ingrained/conditioned habit – but my experience of it is different, it’s more like it is puzzling to witness it happening haha.
What seems to actually work is to contemplate and reflect on what is happening and piece together how I am ticking and why, and contrast it to the purity I know so well now, and just the act of doing this, is what clears the field.
It seemed strange for a while (“a while” haha has just been 5 days since I last wrote anything) but thinking about it now it seems more like I’m on the right track. There is no forcing of anything, the only thing preventing me from self-immolating is me, and it’s a matter of figuring out what it is, the answer is obvious that there is only one way this all ends (self-immolating) and there’s no question of whether to do it (the answer is ‘yes’), so, just a matter of… doing it!
It is strange not feeling like there is some sort of ‘progress bar’ or ‘momentum’ that I have to maintain. It comes down to not ever having been in control in the first place, perhaps!