Claudiu's Journal

[claudiu]

Now it is my turn to have dreamt that I did it, haha

While falling asleep last night, after I wrote my contemplating-infinitude message, I was in a really remarkable state of wide-eyed wonder and appreciation. The hypnagogic state was quite interesting, I experienced weirdnesses of like multiple ‘me’ each agreeing to self-immolate and then cycling in to the next ‘me’. Compared to the rock-solid rich PCE, it was not like it at all and so I know not to put too much stock in it, but at one point I had the experience like “Ah it is happening!” and I fully agreed to it – but then the part of ‘me’ that agreed still remained after ‘it’ happened, so I knew it was not the real thing.

Then when actually asleep I had the dream again with the nightmarish physical sensations growing in cacophonic intenseness (see Claudiu's Journal - #272 by claudiu), but this time I succeeded in going to the “other side” of it. I was no longer resisting it, and I had the distinct sense that I got to the other side of it. In the dream I likened it to Richard’s 30-months of excruciating neuronal-agitation – moving around in the bed (in my dream), everything I touched was shockingly excruciating, and yet, “ok” at the same time, I was not in physical danger. I don’t know whether this has anything to do with actual freedom per se (just because in the dream I thought it was like something newly-free Richard experienced, does not mean it has anything to do with it), but I took it as a good sign that I am no longer afraid to go forth, whatever may come.

So now it really just seems to be a matter of allowing it to happen, letting the universe “take over” completely, being completely ok with abdicating myself in my entirety. One shocking insight was that I saw one of the last-minute reluctances was that I would be so different from everyone else, who am I to say that this is the way to go? And I saw that this question stemmed from a reliance on doing what other people think and feel is right to do, what the communal “Wisdom” is. Yet that wisdom is totally rotten! The etiology of it is very clear, too: you’re born into this world, not knowing anything. Other people tell you what they think is best. You do it, and see that it is sorely lacking, of course it is, this is obvious. You figure you must be doing it wrong, so you confer with other people and see that you are correctly doing what they told you to do – and that they just agree it sucks but that there’s no other way! Eventually you accept it and don’t even try to buck the trend, and you try to prevent others from escaping too! But all based on what? It’s just utter silliness, literally a “well I can’t do it cause the other guy wouldn’t think it’s a good idea”, repeated ad infinitum in a carousel of madness.

The other thing was thinking about Twitter/X, how there’s all these hot takes, and interesting topics there, I always find it remarkably engaging and interesting to read what’s on there – but none of it will lead to actual freedom! It’s all firmly within the human condition, no one is even trying because they don’t know lol. And this is not even to rate it all as “worthless”, or anything like that. It’s indeed interesting to learn this fact or this idea about how such and such trend in media has evolved, for example. The purpose of that post is not to free oneself from the human condition, so one cannot even fault it for that. But it’s just that even with the half a billion Twitter users, that entire force of concentrated relentless flood and torrent of information, not a drop of it anywhere will lead to the actual world.

Another core thread that appears to be key and is running through these contemplations, is just how sorely lacking I am – and not in a self-flagellating way, but just in a matter-of-fact way. Like ok, I am resisting self-immolating to preserve myself, and what do I do with it? I have a snippet of a tiny exchange with someone else and become mildly peeved. Like, what on earth!!! This is what I am preserving? I can’t even talk with someone without getting a little ruffled? I am so far below what an actual freedom would be like, and there’s simply no way I could be that. If I could be as good as that then I would have been already, but that’s just not my nature. But actually free Claudiu would be, and effortlessly! So indeed it’s a matter of giving myself up so that that which is superior can eventuate.

I feel like any final phrase in the journal entry here would just be hokey so I will leave it here for now

Cheers,
Claudiu