Claudiu: My experience really was different than usual lately. I experienced it as that I was the senses / the sensate experience was much more immediate. It is also like full-blast wondrous purity was available essentially ‘on demand’, like I would just wonder about it and experience would instantly become more pure and magical. It also seemed very obviously clear that time does not move, that the past doesn’t exist, and it’s always now, and there is no other moment. […]
However I experienced some uncertainty as to whether I had done it, and it seemed like it was a feeling of self-doubt somehow. […]
But then I realized that I could easily solve the uncertainty, I didn’t have to be uncertain – I could just apply the same contemplation and pure intent towards this topic, and find out what the actual answer is, if I was actually free or not. I thought about describing it all to Vineeto also and realized that Vineeto would not be able to figure it out for me, actually, I had to do it myself – and it just made sense and was so obvious and straightforward. […]
I also felt and experienced a deep pang of like “Ahh I just want to have done it already and gotten it over with!!” And I found it so strange. (link)
Hi Claudiu,
This is a great experience in itself, and you are getting exceedingly confident in venturing into the actual world for the nonce.
You are right, I could not have sorted this one out for you and appreciate that you are so meticulous and careful so as to not to fool yourself and others about what is happening. Here might be a clue for you.
Richard: The act of initiating this ‘process’ is altruism, pure and simple. (Richard, AF List, No. 60, 3 Dec 2003)
To spell it out: Altruism, an instinctual passion for the benefit of every body, can be evoked for a once-in-a-lifetime action to overcome selfism, the generally predominant instinctual survival passion. Being a passion to overcome the imperative passion for survival, it needs to be deeply experienced in order to be activated for ‘self’-immolation. ‘Me’ must fully comprehend the fact that there is no other solution but willingly and gladly giving up ‘my’ existence “for peace-on-earth to be apparent”. It is to comprehend the fact that all other solutions tried by ‘me’ and other feeling beings have been tried and failed and were merely ‘fiddling while Rome still burns’.
Richard: Thus when ‘I’ willingly and irremunerably ‘self’-immolate in toto – both psychologically and psychically – then ‘I’ am making the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for this body and that body and every body … for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. (Richard, Abditorium, Altruism).
Here is Geoffrey’s report how altruism played a vital part in ‘his’ last moments –
Geoffrey: There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing. (link)
Alternatively, this deep caring about the ubiquitous malice and sorrow of all feeling beings, and wanting to do the only thing one can do about it (i.e. to give all of ‘me’ “for peace-on-earth to be apparent for every body”) can be centred upon a deep caring for one particular person turning into a near-actual intimacy, which with pure intent can change into “a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster.” Viz.:
Richard: As Vineeto’s reports/ descriptions/ explanations of a near-actual caring are scattered throughout her ‘Direct Route Mail-Out’ emails some background details presented numerically will aid clarity in communication.
- When feeling-being ‘Vineeto’s everyday feeling of caring first shifted into what has since become known as a near-actual caring the qualitative difference was so marked in its effect ‘she’ initially mistook it to be an actual caring (as per ‘her’ memories of PCE’s).
- This shift occurred when ‘she’ transitioned from ‘her’ pragmatic, methodological virtual freedom into being out-from-control – a dynamic, destinal virtual freedom – for the remaining four-and-a-half weeks of ‘her’ life (albeit with a melodramatic three-day out-of-control interlude towards the end).
- Due to ‘her’ naïve intent to be as intimate and without prejudice as possible – which, in conjunction with the absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity that is part-and-parcel of being out-from-control had resulted in the actualism method segueing into the actualism process – ‘her’ cheerful and thus willing concurrence allowed pure intent to dynamically pull ‘her’ evermore unto ‘her’ destiny. (Hence the “dynamic, destinal virtual freedom” nomenclature).
- This moment-to-moment experiencing of a caring which is not self-centred/ self-centric provided ‘her’ with the experiential convincement that actualising such caring, via ‘self’-immolation, was the only solution to the human condition; this ‘hands-on’ understanding as a dynamically present feeling-being – an impressively distinct contrast to having been abeyant during PCE’s – left ‘her’ with absolutely no choice (lest ‘she’ be forever “rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic”).
- Since a near-actual caring is, of course, epitomised by a vital interest in the suffering of all human beings coming to an end, forever, as a number one priority, then ‘her’ single-minded focus was essentially centred upon the most immediate way of ensuring this long-awaited global event could begin to take effect the soonest … to wit: bringing ‘her’ own inevitable demise, at physical death, forward into a liminal imminence.
- Because the means ‘she’ elected to utilise towards these ends was the near-actual intimacy which goes hand-in-hand with a near-actual caring (per favour that afore-mentioned absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity which typifies being out-from-control) it is apposite to defer to what Vineeto herself wrote on the 20th of January 2010, only fifteen days after her pivotal moment/ definitive event, as its refreshingly simple directness speaks for itself. (Richard, List D, Srinath 2, near-actual-caring). Viz.:
• [Vineeto]: “(…). Further it was obvious for me that it would be Richard who would facilitate and trigger my transition into an actual freedom because he was the most obvious person with whom a near-actual intimacy would change into an actual intimacy – simply because Richard had been my guide and mentor for the last 13 years and particularly so for the period since I stepped out-from-control. As I have written to No. 5 recently –
‘The final clue was again about caring, a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster. Only when I cared enough to give all of ‘me’ to another person, to give them what they want most, was I then ready to give it to the one I cared for most, the one I was closest to, and then I was able to leave all remnant concerns and inhibitions of my identity behind.
And that’s what happened”. (Direct Route, No. 20, 20 Jan 2010).
I am aware that you care deeply about your fellow human beings, yet this might presently being overlaid by “I also felt and experienced a deep pang of like “Ahh I just want to have done it already and gotten it over with!!” A rare admission of a tenuous yet still cunning ‘me’.
Cheers Vineeto