I think @Kub933 is on the right track with this one.
Being ‘me’ is really a burden – and what ‘I’ am is a combination of all those various identities and personas (it is a myth that ‘I’ am ‘one’ persona, ‘I’ actually chimerically shift between different personas without even realizing it, and this seems to be common to everyone though perhaps some to a larger degree than others. I have a distinct memory of my usually very stoic, commanding, and consistently-persona’d business partner, watching him interact with his wife on and be flushed with a very obvious love and affection that suffused his whole demeanor.).
The startling freedom that makes joy readily available is from no longer having to maintain or ‘be’ any of those identities. When it all disappears as in a PCE, the difference is so palpable and tangible.
When a feeling-being, I can “see” that on the “other side”, once I am no longer having to maintain those identities, will be that palpable freedom and joy.
So why not “just do it”? What obviously stops ‘me’ is fear – fear of what will happen when ‘I’ am not around to control things.
So it seems the prudent approach is to accept the goal (self-immolation) and commit to doing the very best next sensible step I possibly can, which depending on where I am will either be: get back to neutral, get to feeling good, enjoy & appreciate feeling good, get to feeling great/excellent, increasingly allow the purity to operate, allow myself to let the controls be let go of, … and that’s as far as I have gotten so far 