I take it by the length of your post that this must be the genuine thing! I’m glad that you are writing more as it’s helping me get off my backside too. The past few days ‘I’ have definitely regained control, before it was phasing in and out of long periods of excellence where perfection and purity was right on my doorstep. The last few days though there has been some big changes in terms of ‘in the marketplace’ type stuff. I am in talks about purchasing a BJJ/MMA gym and taking over the works, at the same time changing my current working situation etc.
It seems the complexity of this situation has made ‘me’ go back to the ‘grumpy old me’ as a MO. It is not so much that I experience any intense emotional upheavals but rather it is as if now ‘I’ as the doer have found so many things that ‘I’ apparently need to control and account for. Really most of the time though ‘I’ am just going around in circles in my head and not actually doing anything productive anyways, when the next obvious thing is knocking at the door I simply do what is sensible. But certainly this is a ‘good excuse’ if there ever was one.
I can see now that the way forward is certainly not do be doing any more investigation, in the sense of trying to intellectualise this whole thing and make sense of it, the thing to do is action, and funnily enough the action, the doing of it, is as you say, the realisation that ‘I’ am not in control anyways.
It seems I have never been very good at going first, but I am very good at going second! As I have way too much FOMO to hang back when you are blasting forward haha. So I am dusting off those cobwebs again but also with an intent to square in on this ‘perfect excuse’ that I have used to go stagnant again.