Claudiu's Journal - #166 by Kub933 - continuing this one. It seems that at some point in the past few days I pulled back from excellence due to this sense of ‘what have I got myself into’. Initially this is how I was experiencing this whole endeavour with buying the BJJ/MMA business :
So essentially things were being allowed to just do themselves, and it was all happening so easily and so marvellously, in fact I was shocked that I was doing all this without a care in the world it seemed. But it got to the point where this momentum was starting to put ‘me’ into new territory where ‘I’ have not been before. Then I remember this ‘oh shit’ feeling, like I am out of my depth here, it seems this is what made ‘me’ slam on the brakes.
It’s funny because I was always afraid of allowing actuality because I thought ‘I’ was needed in order to ‘perform at a high level’ whatever that means lol. But it seems ‘I’ have slammed on the breaks because things were happening too well without ‘me’ in the driver’s seat. So well that it seems ‘I’ have experienced some kind of stage freight, this reminds me a little of Devika pulling from the out from control virtual freedom she was living, this sense of no longer being able to live up to all that she wrote and spoke about. I thought to myself “am I really going to naively step into this new situation without a care in the world?” This seemed too ballsy, like “who am I to operate like that? Will I be shown to be a fool after all?”.
In fact this is exactly what the fear has been all along. I can see when in excellence that this perfection and purity allows life to be lived so magnificently, so magnificently in fact that ‘I’ am afraid, it’s all too smooth, too delightful, too magical, too carefree. ‘I’ dive back for control because it’s all too marvellous ahead, it’s too far from ‘my’ MO.
It was the same the other day when I got to the hen party job and I pulled from excellence, ‘I’ just couldn’t allow that ‘I’ could be in such a professional setting but experiencing life so marvellously. Like ‘I’ would be sticking out like a sore thumb, or doing something I am not meant to. So in short it seems that the fundamental feeling is one that says “living in perfection and purity is taboo” a sort of ‘we don’t do that around here’ kinda vibe.