Chrono's Journal

[Vineeto]

@cross.chrono

@Vineeto

I do understand your confusion because in the paragraphs before the above quoted words I was talking about caring for Peter –

Vineeto: Peter and I compared notes about our respective processes of becoming free and, making sense about it in hindsight, have determined what makes the process replicable for everyone. (…) (Direct Route, James, 17 January 2010).

However, in the last paragraph I was referring to Richard, describing who the most obvious person was to facilitate and trigger my transition by giving “all of ‘me’ to another person” to then understanding (in hindsight) that it was “to give them (Richard) what they want most” which resulted in ‘my’ immolation.

See, in actuality the actual event happens first and the sorting out of the whys and wherefores comes afterwards. You will be able to observe this yourself, when you naïvely dare to let go of the controls, and allow the universe to live you, then you can experience, each moment, what actually happens without concept, and sort out the whys and wherefores afterwards.

Chrono: Hi Vineeto,
Ah thank you I understand now and I also understand why I was confused. I think I was trying to find a “map” of sorts in your description, but your suggestion to sort it out afterwards cleared it up.

@Vineeto

I am pleased to read that you see things you did not grasp before each time you go back to the ‘addiction correspondence’. I would warn though that the expression “I must also abandon conditional enjoyment and appreciation” sounds rather like the tenant of an ascetic, as if any and every conditional enjoyment was addictive and therefore leads to suffering. Why not keep it simple and watch out for the ‘good’ feelings, like love, compassion, pride, honour, loyalty, virtuousness, pacifism and the like?

Indeed, feeling felicitous and appreciative being alive is “more simple and easy” and that’s how you can always tell them apart from ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feelings, which always have strings attached.

Chrono: It did sound rather odd thinking and writing that too but at the same time it also seemed like it is the choosing of the unconditional enjoyment and appreciation which is going down the unknown path. But in practice I suppose it would amount to suppressing if I were to try to abandon the conditional enjoyment as well. Perhaps I am only going down the unknown path once there is no longer any choice to go back to the known.

Hi Chrono,

Ah well, this thinking out beforehand in a logical way in that either-or way is not very practical. You just talked yourself into waiting to be more naïve until “there is no longer any choice”. Yet only three days ago you made this observation –

Chrono: I noticed in everyday events that ‘I’ am indeed a mediator claiming what is happening. I see how “matter is not merely passive”.
I noticed how this moment is consistently reliable. I can feel good because it is this moment. Being here at this moment is dynamic. As opposed to ‘me’. It’s like ‘I’ am trying to be in a state of stasis. Always trying to crystallize ‘my’ self in whatever way to show that ‘I’ exist. Whereas this moment which is dynamic requires no effort. I noticed the objects in my room, the trees outside, the light shining in, the sound of cars driving by. All dynamically existing. Matter has arranged itself in this way and is constantly re-arranging itself. Further to that, without ‘me’, matter as this body is here aware of all this, in this dynamic moment of being alive. This awareness of being alive is here effortlessly. (link)

This is possible now, you don’t have to wait, it is always this moment.

Vineeto: “I must protect this body” is more than merely a belief. It is the very identity formed of the instinctual survival passions. As such it won’t work to try and abandon this as a ‘belief’. What you do instead is diminish the ‘self’, the identity. (snip quote)
When you say you are going in circles, it might be that you are asking the wrong question, or thinking if only you find the correct belief to dismantle you can solve the puzzle of ‘me’. Whereas the direction to weakening ‘me’ is to gradually relinquish control and naïvely allow what you have already experienced on occasions, that the flesh-and-blood body combined with your native intelligence, as unsullied from ‘good’ and bad feelings as possible, can take care of itself – and enjoy and appreciate.

Chrono: I think perhaps it is because I am trying to find the correct belief to dismantle to solve the puzzle of ‘me’. I actually had this realization yesterday that if I’m trying to “push” or “pull” myself or try to “figure it out” (which pretty much always is dampening or blocking any felicitous feelings), then I am being insincere. If I am feeling anything other than feeling good, then that is what I am feeling. There’s no reasoning around it. I can name that tactic as denial. It’s simply a ‘how can I get back to feeling good’ and asking why I felt bad. So there’s the feeling of impatience. To get to the end and to side-step what I viscerally know/feel will be ‘my’ end. It’s another case of being split in two in that one part of me desires oblivion while the other part (hiding in the shadows) acts in a way to avoid it. Also to keep in the context of caring, I cannot care for others or humanity if I do not care for myself. And if I am feeling bad and allowing myself to feel bad (or good feelings), then I do not care for myself. Diverting, impatience, trying to jump to the end, etc. are all instinctual cunning in action. (link)

Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ knew that impatience well.

‘Vineeto’: I started my investigation about the feeling of impatience. Impatience has always been one of the driving forces in my life and kept me going, counteracting the innate inertia to get me back on the track of what I wanted to achieve. But the more I am actually here and enjoying life, the more the feeling of impatience becomes a nuisance and is, in fact, preventing me from enjoying what is happening here in this moment. (…)
The main fuel for this feeling of impatience comes from the notion that there is something better ‘out there’, in the future – that magic ingredient that will then make life as perfect as the ending of children’s fairytale – and then they lived happily ever after. And yet it is this very feeling of impatience, that particular bit of my ‘self’, that prevents me from the sensate-only experiencing the perfection of this moment.
Impatience is the ‘self’ telling the ‘self’ to go away in order for life to be perfect thereafter. What a furphy! Who am I trying to fool? This is what cunningness in action looks like. It is fascinating to see the self splitting itself into two yet again in order to pretend that there is change happening without really having to change anything. Seeing through the charade, I experience the thrill that accompanies the shift from a furphy to an actual experience, from ‘feeling impatient’ to actively dismantling the ‘self’, from stepping out of the ‘real’ world to arriving here. I understand that the only way to approach self-immolation is by welcoming the death of ‘me’ with free will, open arms and a full YES. It is a magic formula, that turning around 180 degrees again, a yes to immolation rather than a no to life as it is.
When death is welcome with the same thrilling anticipation as a sexual playmate then I know I am on the right track.
So impatience gets replaced by an understanding of redundancy – the more I experientially understand about the human condition the more ‘I’ become redundant because life in the actual world is utterly safe and already perfect. ‘I’ am not needed to stay alive. The more I understand the chemical, psychological and psychic programming of the brain, the more I can see that this programming is outdated, faulty and redundant in every single aspect – ‘I’ am not needed at all. Virtual Freedom is the ongoing increasing experience of ‘my’ redundancy, kind of getting used to not interfering with perfection. (Actualism, Vineeto, Alan-d, 21.5.2000)

‘She’ had most things right – impatience being a way to re-introduce ‘me’ into the picture when everything is going well without ‘me’. Impatience, despite its appearance is nothing noble or virtuous, it’s a spoiler of allowing the enjoyment and appreciation of this moment – just like all the other feelings ‘I’ throw up to remain in existence.

Cheers Vineeto