It wasn’t his comment that wasn’t clear but in the previous paragraph it sounded to me like there were two different people that you were caring for. You first cared enough to give all of ‘me’ to another person (which I understand as Richard) and then you were ready to give it to the one you cared for most. Or maybe you are describing a process rather than two separate people. I may just not be reading this correctly.
I have been reflecting again on this addiction correspondence and it’s interesting how every time I go back to an article later, I can see things that I did not before. My current thinking on this is that every time I choose the conditional enjoyment and appreciation then I am choosing suffering. Could it be that to abandon the path of suffering, that I must also abandon conditional enjoyment and appreciation? The only way “out” of the real-world then is to exclusively choose the unconditional enjoyment and appreciation.
‘I’ do not like being ‘me’ but ‘I’ instinctually try to escape being ‘me’ through ‘good’ feelings. Which is more of ‘me’. ‘I’ am instinctually charged to survive. But what I can say from where I am at is that I prefer the quality of felicitous feelings over good feelings. I enjoy them more than I do the good feelings. It feels more simple and easy. I do want to be like that always.
It is strange that ‘I’ need so much reinforcement to give credence to ‘my’ existence. The good and bad feelings compel because of ‘my’ instinctual charge to survive.
To continue on with this contemplation, I noticed in everyday events that ‘I’ am indeed a mediator claiming what is happening. I see how “matter is not merely passive”.
I noticed how this moment is consistently reliable. I can feel good because it is this moment. Being here at this moment is dynamic. As opposed to ‘me’. It’s like ‘I’ am trying to be in a state of stasis. Always trying to crystallize ‘my’ self in whatever way to show that ‘I’ exist. Whereas this moment which is dynamic requires no effort. I noticed the objects in my room, the trees outside, the light shining in, the sound of cars driving by. All dynamically existing. Matter has arranged itself in this way and is constantly re-arranging itself. Further to that, without ‘me’, matter as this body is here aware of all this, in this dynamic moment of being alive. This awareness of being alive is here effortlessly. A stark contrast to ‘me’, who is unsure of ‘my’ existence. This being here like this, this seeing, is unconditional enjoyment and appreciation.
I’ve been wondering what prevents me from allowing this experience more consistently. There are varying beliefs but I think it may be one belief that keeps changing. Maybe I have not seen what it really is. My belief that it is not possible (for me) is what pulls me back. It is made to be a fairy tale. But I think this is also cunning. Because by doing so, ‘I’ can perpetuate my existence. It is after all ‘my’ whole drive. I then became rather sorrowful when I realized just what it was that I was holding back (everything this body is aware of without ‘me’). It is of a precious nature. My belief morphed back to ‘I must protect this body’. I immediately remembered that this is not true and how ‘I’ only care about ‘me’ surviving and not this body. And that remembrance instantly got rid of that feeling. I was feeling it rather deeply as it was like there was a locality in the body to it. My whole head was focused on it in a visceral way and there’s the sensations of crackling inside of my head. There are some varying psychosomatic symptoms that go along with this when I reflect on it. It gives the impression ‘I’ am deeply embedded somewhere in the body.
I now have come back to the same feeling and the feeling of it not being possible is backed really by that ‘life is a vale of tears’ belief. Because of so much suffering in the world. And I cannot find the reason for it. I feel that I am going in circles. It’s why I had previously asked if ‘my’ absence would affect the psychic web. I’ll have to come back to it.