Chrono's Journal

[cross.chrono]

Also a reinforcement in regards to feeling good, it’s the tracing back to the trigger (and before) which can restore feeling good and not going into the feeling to fix it. The trigger sets off the feelings.

Thank you Vineeto and Claudiu for your guidance and clarifications. I have been reflecting on your responses and re-reading some correspondence.

@Vineeto

It’s excellent that you identified this obstacle as “loyalty” and more so “the loyalty to the Human Condition itself”. You probably remember Richard saying that –

Richard: The hallmark of ‘peasant-mentality’ is, in a word, loyalty. (Richard, List D, Claudiu3, 28 May 2015)

So there you have all the ingredients in one, the loyalty in regards to “what others feel”, who are not only the people who you are in contact with, but in the end all of ‘humanity’. You realise with startling clarity that if you continue you will be a traitor to humanity and its addiction to suffering. Everyone has the same genetic make-up of the instinctual passions and of their social identity and everyone desperately wants to remain within the fold. But when fully understood that ‘I’ am ‘humanity’ and ‘humanity’ is ‘me’ you really are a traitor to your ‘self’ by your endeavour to leave your ‘self’ behind.

@Vineeto

Here is a poignant paragraph from Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty on what ‘humanity’ means in the real world (I recently read that article again and found it extraordinary in its eye-opening brilliance) –

Richard: One’s psychological existence is so precarious that one needs constant endorsement, so as to feel that ‘I’ am alive, that ‘I’ still exist. When the ‘whole’ accuses one of being selfish – which it relentlessly does by extolling the virtues of duty, obligation and responsibility – one can then chastise oneself, thus maintaining one’s sense of being a social identity. With suitable remorse, one has then been coerced, cajoled and shamed into having one’s usefulness to the community restored … and one feels needed again. Nonetheless, one is actually crazy to chastise oneself because ‘I’ am selfish by ‘my’ very created nature … and ‘I’ will always be self-centred. Self-castigation only serves to crystallise ‘me’. It is essential to the community’s ‘well-being’ that ‘I’ remain selfish. Because the ‘whole’, having created ‘me’ so as to perpetuate its own existence – and being utterly selfish itself – desperately needs self-centred members. ‘I’ readily invest, morally, in the community for there one recognises one’s ilk … ‘I’ am a lonely soul and it is essential that ‘I’ have a sense of belonging to the like-minded ‘whole’. It is an illusion of togetherness designed to assuage the feeling of aloneness that both oneself and the community experiences … ‘I’ and ‘humanity’ feel lost and lonely in what is perceived to be the vast reaches of space and time that make up an empty universe. The search for extra-terrestrial life is but one outcome of this feeling of separation. (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty).

@Vineeto

Here is something more to ponder at a quiet moment –

Richard: … in order to successfully escape one needs to abandon the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods, so that the energy one is frittering away fruitlessly is available for the unknown path, the unfamiliar path, the path that does deliver the goods.
James: I don’t know if the unknown path delivers the goods because I don’t know what it is.
Richard: Is not the reason why ‘I’ do not know if the unknown path delivers the goods – or why ‘I’ do not know what the unknown path is – none other than because ‘I’ will not abandon the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods?
James: I only know that the known path does not deliver the goods.
Richard: And why will ‘I’ not abandon the known path that does not deliver the goods … even when ‘I’ know that the known path does not deliver the goods?
James: The known path is ‘me’. That is who ‘I’ am.
Richard: As ‘I’ am suffering and suffering is ‘me’ then ‘my’ path is the path of suffering … which is humanity’s path is it not? And, as humanity is suffering and suffering is humanity, is it not equally true that humanity is also addicted to suffering?
And further to that point … have you ever noticed that humanity reveres its addiction so much that escape is taboo? (Richard, List B, James3, 5 Nov 2002).

Richard: As ‘I’ am suffering and suffering is ‘me’ then ‘my’ path is the path of suffering … which is humanity’s path is it not? And, as humanity is suffering and suffering is humanity, is it not equally true that humanity is also addicted to suffering? And further to that point … have you ever noticed that humanity reveres its addiction so much that escape is taboo?
James: Interesting. It does make sense that humanity is addicted to suffering but I am still not sure if it is addiction to suffering or if it is fear of not surviving. The fear of ‘me’ not surviving could be causing the addiction to ‘me’ suffering.
Richard: I should have put scare quotes around the word humanity as the word itself can refer to two different things: in its all-humankind meaning it is a more comprehensive word for what the word group refers to (which ranges through family, band, clan, tribe, race, nation and species) and, just as the group’s survival traditionally takes precedence over an individual’s survival, the group’s fears of not surviving have priority over an individual’s fears of not surviving. When fear comes into the picture, however, the word humanity no longer refers to all people collectively but takes on a life of its own, as it were, and becomes an entity in its own right in the same way ‘I’ am an entity inside the flesh and blood body.
And just as ‘I’ suffer because ‘I’ exist (suffering is ‘my’ very nature) ‘humanity’ suffers because it exists (suffering is very nature of ‘humanity’) and thus a virtue is made out of suffering because the survival of ‘humanity’ is at risk … hence the taboo on escape.
Yet ‘humanity’ has no existence outside of the human psyche. (Richard, List B, James3, 7 Nov 2002).

Ah I’ll give a re-read of that chapter and also the correspondence again. Just reading this section I understood and “connected the dots” more than before. I realize that each person I am talking to in the real world is an emissary of Humanity. I was able to identify the “walls” where feeling good gets halted due to that self-castigation. But I also saw that I am likewise the same. I too am “Humanity”. But when I look for “Humanity”, it does not exist on its own.
I see ‘my’ path has been chasing the Good (feelings). Humanity’s path (the known path) is an eternal battle against the “Bad”. In every instance that I don’t feel good, it seems to be the case (in the background) that there’s a belief or expectation from the chasing after the Good feeling.
In staying with this, I realized all of ‘my’ escapes were conditional. By chasing the ‘Good’ (unwittingly and inattentively), I always end up back to where I was at. And what if I didn’t chase the Good? Then I experience a barren and stark reality. I feel this as ‘my’ foundational reality as it is the reason that any Good feelings need to be chased at all. Yet I do as if I have to make sure that the “Good” really does not deliver the goods. But when I acknowledge that I have been going in circles, the fear becomes more intimate. Staying with the fact that it is this moment, I experience sometimes a sudden pull and then a backing off. Why I back off I don’t know, but there’s a feeling behind it.
It’s like there are 2 ‘mes’. Going from a stark reality to a sweetness. It’s like oil and water that never mix. There’s a secret here that I can’t seem to fully see into. Literally in the blink of an eye, from stark reality to that sweetness. I think ‘I could just enjoy and appreciate this all the time’, but in the background I feel ‘others’ pulling me down. Now perhaps I consider that ‘others’ are really ‘me’. This persistence of ‘me’ is very related to myself and others.
But the stark reality persists only where there is no seeing that it is this moment. There’s a disbelief behind it. Like it can’t be true. Why? Because then everything I have ever known is false. And I wonder what are the ramifications of that?
When I experience the delight that it is this moment (which experiencing is occurring as I am typing), I feel that I could just sit here and do nothing forever and never get bored. I am almost fixated on “this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive”.

@Vineeto

Chrono: I’m finding that standing on my own two feet in the sense of feeling good come what may is bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel. Others meaning everyone in my life and even what I read on the news. Maybe I should return to the question “can I emotionally accept that which is intellectually unacceptable?”. Or perhaps it’s a storm to simply weather?

A while ago you were wrestling with guilt of being selfish, and it still seems to linger, as in “bringing up feelings of doubt and anxiety as I am doing it irregardless what others feel”. It is pertinent to understand that the goal – and the method – of actualism is to diminish the ‘self’, i.e. the inherent ‘self’-centricity of being a feeling being –

Richard to Martin: Do you see how almost all of that paragraph you wrote as a lead-up to your query about being harmless – as in “but do you simply mean it as an absence of malice and sorrow?” that is – stems from or revolves around that hoary religio-spiritual practice of putting each and every other ‘self’ before one’s own ‘self’ (a.k.a. being an unselfish ‘self’) so as to counter selfishness?
Yet the topic on the web page which Claudiu linked to (Richard, Audio-Taped Dialogues, Putting the other before Oneself). is essentially about being self-centred – with especial attention upon that term referring to each and every ‘self’ being both ego-centric and soul-centric – and not about being selfish.
As being harmless does not feature in religio-spiritual practice – peace-on-earth is not on the religio-spiritual agenda – then the sooner that nonsense about being an unselfish ‘self’ is abandoned the better. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, Martin, 2 Aug 2016).

This whole specific correspondence is worth re-visiting.

So when you understand, really understand, the difference between “being an unselfish ‘self’” and being happy and harmless (aiming to be less and less ‘self’-centric) then your “feelings of doubt and anxiety” in this regard may fall by the wayside.

I will re-visit again. Yes I am thinking now that “being an unselfish self” or “putting the other before oneself” encapsulates the “Good”. I think I’ve explored the “Bad” without entirely seeing its opposite face. I see now that the purpose of the “Good” is to battle the “Bad” and that is what is happening in all interactions with ‘me’ internally and externally. The (inherent) belief behind it is that the “Good” has the power to bring about peace-on-earth. And I find it’s a matter of power itself. The belief is that it is the power to influence (through vibes and currents perhaps in that psychic web) which can bring about beneficial changes. So when I think about not ‘being’, does ‘my’ absence have any effect on this psychic web?
I find this reservation quite funny because chasing the “Good” has never worked in my life and only has served as a source of self-aggrandizement. First when I reflect on my relationship with my partner via the bond of love. Relationships themselves everywhere seem to have behind them the deep desire to be affirmed, acknowledged, admired, and/or adulated. It is there in all interactions. It’s the “carrot” to assuage the foundational reality. Not chasing after this “carrot” is backed by accusations of being selfish.
Hmm actually I think if I can be happy and harmless with everyone that I come into contact with, that will be the “proof” I need.

@Vineeto

Chrono: Another feeling that is coming more to the fore is this feeling of weariness. I’m wondering what its cause is. It’s almost like the complete opposite of that sweetness. Now I’m thinking that this feeling is because I’m not able to get past the “storm” of doubt mentioned previously. I am now thinking that this goes back to the previous post where the wall of it is that ‘I will go insane’. And when I look at what this “insane” is composed of, it’s imagery of me not being able to take care of myself or being put in a state of danger. Not having any control.

Yes, in other words, fear.

What you are aiming for – an actual freedom from the human condition – has been classified by professionals in the field as insanity because it lies entirely outside the human condition and is entirely new to human consciousness. “Insane” is the only category the denizens of the real world can think of when they encounter something which does not fit into their paradigm. Just look up Cognitive Dissonance and you will see that far less radical and subversive innovations have been vehemently opposed by the majority of people for centuries until it eventually trickled down that it might be beneficial.

It does indeed require nerves of steel to be a pioneer in human consciousness – but you already have experienced excellent results and insights, and are feeling much better than before, which can give you the courage to persist. Plus, there is the experience of the PCE, of the already always existing actual world, which has guided you to this point.

@Vineeto

This is excellent. You might discover that the “storm of doubt and anxiety” might lose its power when you explore remnant or lingering morals of a “religio-spiritual agenda” regarding being an “unselfish ‘self’” and finally throw them on the rubbish heap where they belong. These ideals had 5000+ years of implementation by people trying to live those unliveable morals and ethics, and yet all the wars and rapes and murders and suicides and child-abuse are still going on unabated.

Regarding your “richness” or excellence experiences they are not triggered by ‘you’ but happen whenever ‘you’ step back and allow them to happen, whenever you are felicitous/ innocuous and more naïve, less serious. With the same happy/ harmless and sensuous naïveness you can experience them when you are with your partner and they can be contagious.

I am pleased to hear that there is “a renewed invigoration” and “an increased willingness to divulge what stands in the way”.

Ah and behind that accusation of being selfish is the fear of being insane. Yes I think that was right on the ball with the doubt and anxiety being related to those lingering morals of spirituality. Again I am confronted with the ubiquity of spirituality.

@claudiu

Good! The main advice I’d give you is to recognize – sincerely recognize – that whatever ‘obstacles’ are coming up, is nothing other than you & your very own doubts, fears, and anxieties about the situation.

What I mean is just to sincerely accept that you are the one resisting, being doubtful, anxious about it, weary, fearing insanity, etc.

The reason I say it is that from reading what you write it sounds like you’ve somewhat detached ‘responsibility’ for these things – you’re keeping them at arms distance, hoping they subside on their own and go away so you (the ‘real’ you?) can get back to making progress

But that’s the point, all of it is you! Sincerely accepting and coming to terms with it, as soon as you can, really makes the whole thing much easier, and feels very good once you are able to do it!

That’s a timely reminder as it’s really only difficult if I’m being insincere and my approach unwittingly operates from a place of having ‘taken a step back’ when the thing I am taking a step back from is itself me. This leads to the experience of not having any control and being a ‘victim’. Usually when this happens I am fighting against myself. Something may have triggered off a “good/bad” feeling and instead of seeing the trigger or returning to feel good, I end up approaching it in a ‘I’ trying to “purify” ‘me’ way.

@claudiu

It’s basically seeing what you are ‘caught up’ with, and freeing yourself from that, to allow yourself to enjoy and appreciate more smoothly.

But it can feel and be rocky especially as you get to more and more core stuff. Pure intent is key here, as well as rememorating the PCE, the experiences of “richness” you describe, and even, just rememorating a time you were feeling good, I find helps as well.

So, doubts and fears of insanity are totally par for the course, the key is that there is safety on the other side of it, as you have now experientially seen. So you know the destination (or at least the direction from ‘here’ to there) and you can use it as your compass, it’s safe to proceed even if road seems rocky or waters churny.

This made me think that if a large portion of people were virtually free or actually free then maybe there won’t be any rocky or churny waters. But someone has to pave the way (me) haha.