Chrono's Journal

[cross.chrono]

@Vineeto

Hi Chrono,

Let me stop you right there. Where you are going with this is that you can never “be in accord with the fact” until you are actually free. This is called a red herring and stops you from even starting. To be sincere, i.e. “in accord with the fact”, means you don’t deceive yourself when a good or bad feeling interferes with enjoyment and appreciation. Therefore you are as honest as you can regarding the feeling which is happening at this very moment of writing this – for example something like “ahh, I can never be sincere, it’s too difficult, I rather stay as I am”. Sincerely acknowledging what is happening you’ll eventually sort it out with the intent to being happy and harmless – and you have demonstrated many times before that you can do that excellently. If you notice imagination happening like creating future scenarios, you sincerely acknowledge that knowing something imagined is not a fact.

Hi Vineeto,

Ah I see now how what I wrote can be construed that way. What I was trying to convey with the phrase “to be in accord with the fact” was “imitate the actual” (by being happy and harmless). That is, from the perspective of the actual, the identity is an illusion and not actually existing. But that doesn’t change the fact that it does “exist” (this reminds me of “drawing the line between feeling and fact” all over again haha) and ‘I’ can align with the way things are in actuality by imitating it (thus being in accord with the fact). So I was communicating improperly by saying “to be in accord with the fact” when “imitating the actual” would have been better. It seems I was using the word sincerity incorrectly.

@Vineeto

Of course, if you want to arrive before you start it’s a clear indication you are “jumping the gun” … and sincerely inquiring why you are going on this side-track will inevitably provide the answer and then you sort out what it right in front of you. Remember to get back to feeling good first.

Yes I do seem to have that tendency to want to viscerally “jump over” issues. Basically not looking at what’s right in front of me right now but instead trying to jump ahead to know what it is and consequently having the opposite effect. Or the other thing I try to do sometimes is force the seeing and that also has the unintended effect. Very cunning I think. But I’ve been slowly bringing each one into light and these discussions are helping me see what I have been doing. Once again seeing that there are no shortcuts. And I ask myself why I would want to “jump over” and I can feel an angst and agitation continuously operating. Perhaps it will come more to light the more I question it and allow it.

I recently became more aware of a belief operating under this which goes like “there’s no way that this is possible (actual freedom)”. When I ask myself why, it felt like then that would mean I have been suffering my whole life for no reason. This is like some sunk cost fallacy and I know that’s how it is for everyone but I really believed that to be the truth (that life is supposed to be grim). It occurs to me “life could have been easy this whole time?”. I’m embarrassed because I have been serious my whole life and I didn’t have to be. Now I see that the belief morphed to a “I wish my suffering meant something” along with a strange feeling of running out of time.

@Vineeto

Excellent. What about the “feelings of warmth and belonging” – are you game to boldly go where you haven’t gone before and naïvely explore intimacy between fellow human beings in lieu of “warmth and belonging”?

I am indeed and the adventure part of it is that I turn away from all that I have known and take a step in the direction that I have never gone before. I can feel an automatic reaction then that to turn away means that “it’s a cold and lonely world out there” but I won’t fall for that this time.

@Vineeto

To ease the pressure of what was originally repressed may take some persistence because repression happened not only because of the “feeling of guilt” but also because it is something unfamiliar to be explored/ experienced as to what happens when you lift the lid, so to speak. It helps to be a friend to yourself and be gentle and consciously enjoy the adventure, without back-pressure from yourself. Richard’s second part of the quote explains why it has never really been allowed to be explored naïvely.

Chrono: And also this section from Article 2 in Richard’s Journal I am able to see in operation:

Richard: Yet I discover that this actual world – in which this body is living – easily fulfils all the longings and desires that are commonly channelled into the Spiritual Realms. (…)
Why then would people rather be Sacred, Spiritual, Holy … not actual? Because their only alternative is to be vulgar, worldly, pagan … which they associate with the Diabolical, the Demonic, the Sinister. Enmeshed in a world-view wherein everything is divided into opposites, nobody is able to consider a third alternative: to be actual. In the divided world-view, the actual is never seen, and the physical is perceived to be uncivilised, anarchical, and hedonistic … and categorised by them as being profane. My intent is to find a way to continue to live in this undivided and indivisible actual world as ascertained sensately, instead of the ambivalent world-view of opposites with its necessarily discriminating groups, its opposing camps. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Two).

Chrono: I am understanding now that the shift to intimacy is a different game altogether from the one that gives sexual desire a central role. That is, my focus on getting rid of it won’t work.

Indeed, half the job is to sort out what doesn’t work. The process of getting accustomed/ familiar with naïvely and gently shifting to intimacy in practice, might sometimes appear a balancing act between “holy” and “vulgar”. Don’t fall for either, keep looking for the fun and benevolent way (to yourself and your partner) – the third alternative.

I can see how it can be a balancing act between “holy” and “vulgar” as I have noted on many occasions that libidinal feelings flip into feelings of deep revulsion and disgust. And perhaps that’s all because of how I’ve approached sexuality. I’ve noticed that I actually do have this belief of uninhibited sensuality and sexuality being “vulgar”. Even writing this I am getting doubts whether I should because I am saying something I shouldn’t be saying. I’m being animalistic by considering it. It’s most likely ‘my’ way of interpreting where I have not gone before and intuiting what would happen were I to lift the lid. But I am aware of this now in a way I was not before and as you suggested I will not fall for either and look for the third alternative.

@Vineeto

You can find some more on intimacy and caring in Vineeto, Selected Correspondence, Intimacy. I also found ‘Vineeto’s’ correspondence with Tarin on being harmless instead of merely feeling harmless useful. (link ).

I related a lot to what you wrote here:

VINEETO: I understand that well. Particularly in the first years of practicing actualism / attentiveness I wanted ‘time out’ from somehow not being here as the very things I noticed when I did apply attentiveness continually rocked ‘my’ world. But then again I had to understand that the method of actualism is to pay attention to being alive and only when I don’t enjoy being here then there is something to look at and to sort out and I came to see that my ambition to speed up the process by looking for problems (and resultant guilt when I didn’t) was only another way of not enjoying being alive. Eventually, the more beliefs/ attitudes/ opinions I questioned and dropped by the wayside, the easier it became to be here instead of retreating into ‘my’ familiar world of dreams and feelings.

Also here you wrote:

VINEETO: I remember well the first evening when I looked at Peter and saw him as just another human being – not as a partner, a mate, a member of the other gender, a lover, a sexual object, a valuable addition to my circle of friends, and not as someone who would approve or disapprove of me – simple another fellow human being. Suddenly the separation I felt was gone and there was a delicious intimacy, as ‘I’ was no longer attempting to force him to fit into ‘my’ world.

As I was thinking on this, I noticed that I have some belief that to see my partner as “just another human being” makes them not special. And I am wondering what makes them special if they are just another human being. I realized that it’s the fact that they want to spend time with me and I want to spend time with them. And I am able to appreciate this fact much more now. Everything else is about ‘me’.

@Vineeto

The reason the described PCE (now snipped) was such a consequential event for ‘Vineeto’ because ‘she’ realised that every and all authority people assume stem’s from some god’s authority – god is the ultimate source for what is right and wrong, bad and good (=heaven and hell). All the values by which humans are socialised originate from the ‘Tried and Failed’ legacy of enlightened beings, gods and goddesses. Hence to realise that there is no room for god in an actual infinite, and perfect, universe, and the justification and ultimate origin of right and wrong disappears.

The same applies to your “authority of Humanity” and “the idea of caring”. While being caring and considerate are aspects of being harmless, the word “caring” in the real world is generally synonymous with feeling caring, i.e. giving out affective vibes of caring, sympathy and compassion, together with or even instead of practical caring. This is because humanity’s idea of caring is tightly linked to “putting the other before oneself”, being compassionate and self-less.

@Vineeto

Ha, the role of being a ‘victim’ at first appears more virtuous but it is only the other side of aggression inherent to the instinctual passions in each and every feeling being. If you can recognize this and affectively acknowledge it, then neither repressing nor expressing the feeling might allow the third alternative to hove into view.

Also the question ‘why do I need power’ may be interesting to contemplate. Personally, I have no power whatsoever.

Yes I did note that God had been the ultimate authority for ‘Vineeto’ and I can see it all come together for me right now. This need for power, authority, and caring seem to be linked and it has clicked for me in the last week. This is because as I’ve noted before that I’ve unwittingly been applying the “putting others before oneself” injunction. It’s actually related to my being a ‘victim’. It does appear that being a ‘victim’ is more virtuous in the real world and gives the false feeling that I am ‘powerless’. I am actually also exerting power by being a ‘victim’ but just not in an overt way. And I noticed that inherent to being a ‘victim’ is the belief that one is then worthy of being saved from harm and suffering. Almost like that by choosing to be a ‘victim’, I am being humble. And an extension of that is the belief that one can be saved by some Higher Authority or Savior. It is odd because I’ve never seen myself as believing in some Higher Power but I am acting and being as if there was. Perhaps there is more to unfold here.

I can see how pernicious “putting others before oneself” is because it takes all eyes off ‘me’ and ‘I’ can wreak further havoc. I was wondering “why do I need power” and the answer was only in relation to me being a ‘victim’. Where I am not a ‘victim’ (or an aggressor), there is no need for power. I can fully see what it is to be harmless now. And the subsequent discussions on it have clarified a lot. I can see how setting the bar as ‘no malicious feelings present’ does not necessarily mean that I am being harmless. It’s self-centricity itself which is the issue. And in practice I can already see how much more ease and harmony there is. Making harmlessness a top and first priority easily allows happiness to follow because I am considering both myself and the other.

@Vineeto

Can it be that you notice indignation more because you discovered how much ‘‘my’ whole point is to survive” ? You may find this familiar –

Richard: Speaking personally, the feeling-being inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago instantaneously rid ‘himself’ of the bulk of those school-age hurts and slights—whilst sitting out in the sunshine one fine morning, putting pencil to paper in order to finally record those dastardly events for posterity, as per a long-held and cherished ambition to do so at length—via seeing-in-a-flash that, as it was simply not possible to ever physically be a child again (and thus juvenilely susceptible to not only those bully-boys and feisty-femmes but any enabling teachers and principals as well), there was absolutely no need whatsoever to continue nursing them as a carryover grudge. It soon became increasingly apparent, thereafter, how those childhood hurts had been vital to the maintenance of the righteous indignation which fuelled ‘his’ plaints of injustice (a.k.a. ‘unfairness’) and, thus, ‘his’ mission to bring justice (a.k.a. ‘fairness’) to the world. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Aggression, 21 Jan 2016).

It does make sense now that I think about it. It seems much of my childhood hurts have been held on passionately deep down and are the source of much of my railing against “the system”. I was on a trip with my partner this past week and we finished watching “Mr. Robot” and I related very deeply with the protagonist especially towards the end. I felt his hurts as my own and the indignation and hurt reached fever pitch. This post from Richard is indeed very familiar and timely as it helped backing out of it. I find myself sometimes thinking that I am supposed to hold onto these hurts and slights, otherwise I will let people walk all over me and take advantage of me. But I am an adult now aren’t I? Something further to unfold here which I will come back to.

@Vineeto

A reminder before you are getting too deep into thinking about the serious problems of life –

Richard: You need to have a keen sense of humour. This business of becoming free is not – contrary to popular opinion – a serious business at all. Be totally sincere … most definitely utterly sincere, as genuineness is essential. But serious … no way. Humour is essential – it is inevitable in an actual freedom – and one has a lot of fun along the way. An actual freedom is all about having fun; about enjoying being here; about delighting in being alive. All that ‘being serious’ stuff actively works against peace-on-earth. One has to want to be here on this planet … most people resent being here and wish to escape. This method will bring one into being more fully here than anyone has ever been before. If you do not want to be here, then forget it. (Library, Topics, Humour)

Also a great timely reminder haha.