I’ve been focusing on the last two months on naivete. Perhaps this is the missing element in my life. And I did have an experience of it. First I saw that it was behind my debilitating doubt about how the world and humanity knows something that I don’t as I wrote on further back. The notion or thought of challenging this made me feel like a fool or embarrassed. I just watched how this manifested in many areas of my life. From work to relationships to all of my interactions and all the dots started connecting. There’s an entire edifice that conveys the feeling that I would just be stupid to just enjoy life right now simply for being alive. It manifests as a rampant cynicism. I can see it clearly now in myself and others being reinforced on many occasions. It has quite an oppressive quality.
I took note of this and kept it in mind. Also as I followed along everyone’s journeys here, I allowed myself to feel embarrassed anyway instead of turning back. Actually I feel it right now as I’m writing this because of sharing it here, like maybe I should doubt my own experience haha. But I’ve already been down that path and it just leads back to the same old same old. When I did allow myself to feel it I had a glimpse into seeing the world in an almost magical way. It immediately reminded me of so many things from my childhood. I had completely forgotten it. I’m not even sure how to very accurately convey it with the proper words on just how wondrous the world looks. It’s like being on the edge of your seat and like you are about to explore something new. I’m just so glad and full of appreciation that this is the world that I live in.
I’ve had the longest streak of feeling good since perhaps ever. I’ve only dropped down to feeling bad may be a few times but even when I did, it wasn’t quite the same as before. Like it doesn’t quite have the hold it does as before. I’m not willfully ignoring the exit sign from it. The states of suffering that I felt prior felt like I would never get out of it.
It feels more like I am now standing a little more outside that edifice of doubt. When I visited my parents again with all of this in mind, they no longer had the same effect on me. It became clear that they were the first authority from which the edifice of authority was built on. I could clearly see how they were operating and that they were operating the same way. Trying to instill the same fears in me, but this time it seemed just flat out silly. I knew these fears were of no substance. What a relief! This is like a breakthrough for me.
So to continue from where I left off, I can now see an alternative path from my usual modus operandi of how I interact with my partner and with others. A highlight being an alternative path from the road of sexual desire. A soft intimacy which was blocked due to the belief that I will be alone if I did not continue down the path placed before me by Humanity. A path supported with the belief in a ‘man’ and how that identity should be with his partner (a ‘woman’) and to society. Now it’s starting to become easier 
. I had the thoughts after my pure intent experience before like there’s ‘no way that this is possible’. Now it seems possible!