Part Three
CrossChrono: I also had some insight into authority. I’ve been seeing that very clearly that no one has any idea what they are doing in regards to living happily and harmlessly. I had been reading up on social identity and saw that there’s a semblance of peace in the world but not actual peace. No one was acknowledging the root cause of why there has not been any peace in the world. They are doing anything but addressing it (the same as I had been). So there is a widespread insincerity. Everyone is playing pretend and I also had internalized this and pretended like everyone else. By choosing to feel good irregardless of circumstances, I sometimes feel I am standing up to all of Humanity. How dare I feel good while the world suffers (or something like that)? Yet I feel more authentic when I am feeling good than at any other time. It’s the doubt casted by my internalizing of Humanity’s many ways of being that pull me back every time. By choosing to be how Humanity is, I give up being authentic. Now I see all of this is because Humanity has not actually addressed the root cause of there not being any peace.
It’s excellent that you more and more recognize the insincerity in ‘humanity’s’ morals and ethics because that will let you it shrug off more easily when you feel that ‘humanity’ is shaking its finger at you. There really is no such thing as humanity, it is a collectively felt phantom – there are only flesh-and-blood human beings (albeit all subject to instinctual passions and the identity formed thereof). As such the feeling that humanity is pulling you back is felt as real (as in you should obey the moral and ethical rules) but it is not actual. “Humanity has not actually addressed the root cause of there not being any peace” because it cannot – only individuals humans can do that – and it is delicious to slip out from under ‘humanity’s’ internalized yoke and devote one’s life to something really worth-while that can result in the perfection of actuality becoming apparent.
CrossChrono: So I had a unique experience after that. Unique because I had not experienced something like it before. So seeing as how Humanity does not know what it is doing, were there any real rules? Could I just become actually free if I wanted to? I had been contemplating this at home and then when I was at work as well. It was a particularly slow day at work so I just reflected on it more. As I was feeling somewhere between neutral to good at the time, I thought of this moment and how it has been this moment this whole time. I became aware of a ‘bigness’ or immensity. Not quite sure of how else to describe it. It grew and it was as if my awareness was drifting into outer space without any central focus. My normal way of being I’d describe as ‘indolent’ in the sense of I stayed the same fundamentally. But now I was electrified, invigorated, and exhilarated. It felt like something was performing surgery in my head. As awareness ‘grew’, I saw all of ‘me’ as a point and felt the sensation of it at my navel area. It reminded me of the ‘pale blue dot’. Except all of me was this pale blue dot. I felt all of sorrow and was on the verge of tears but the tears would not come. I’m not quite sure why after that, but I came back down to earth. I was back to normal and felt kind of frustrated after that. I felt frustrated that I couldn’t allow it to proceed further. The following days I allowed myself to slip below neutral. Then I once again gathered sufficient intent to feel good again. […]
To me it sounds like a description of having made a connection with pure intent. The contrast to being normal can be quite overwhelming so your pulling back is a natural reaction. Let this awareness grow again via fascinated attention and reflective contemplation all the way to apperceptive awareness.
Richard: Apperceptive awareness can be evoked by paying exclusive attention to being fully alive right now. This moment is your only moment of being alive … one is never alive at any other time than now. And, wherever you are, one is always here … even if you start walking over to ‘there’, along the way to ‘there’ you are always here … and when you arrive ‘there’, it too is here. Thus attention becomes a fascination with the fact that one is always here … and it is already now. Fascination leads to reflective contemplation. As one is already here, and it is always now … then one has arrived before one starts. The potent combination of attention, fascination, reflection and contemplation produces apperception, which happens when the mind becomes aware of itself. (Library, Topics, Apperception)
What an exciting adventure it is to be on the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom.
I really enjoyed your whole report.
Cheers Vineeto