It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and thought I’d update with how I’ve been.
AF was wonderful for me, because it kickstarted me on a new journey and clarified certain basic ideals I should strive for mainly appreciating and enjoying this moment of being alive AND being happy and harmless (or like they say Dont be a Dick).
I feel better now than I ever have - not that I feel great all the time, or even most of the time - but that I’m more accepting of the ups and downs of life.
Like the 9th Buddhist fettter says about restlessness - this arises from an underlying dissatisfaction of inability to fully settle into the present moment. And reflects a not so subtle clinging - often to doing, achieving, fixing or resolving something.
And the natural human tendency to try to suppress it, indulge it, or distract from it only perpetuate the cycle.
Buddhism states that the path to liberation isn’t about suppressing restlessness but about allowing it to arise without resistance. And when restless is met with open curiousity, and understanding that it’s not personal, but a conditioned response, and like all phenomena is impermanent, and when fully accepted as such, it loses it’s power to dominate experience and I’m no longer bound by it, even if it does arise and it WILL.
And when I stop trying to get rid of this restlessness and settle into a radical acceptance, it ceases to dominate, and even if it arises, it doesn’t cause agitation or compulsion and to sit with it naturally without seeking or fleeing.
Over time, this restlessness becomes just another passing sensation, no more significant than any other.
It’s about embracing restlessness as part of the human condition, and allowing it to rise and pass without resistance.
This is easy to say, but maybe for me at least, the goal is to understand that I’m living God’s perfect plan, and even my most wonderfully Perfect life isn’t anywhere near as good as God’s warts and all naturally Perfect plan.
I got things wrong before, by trying to feel good all the time and ‘ruthlessly address what’s not making me feeling good’ with lists, setting systems in place and reviewing them.
This only meant my present moment came second best to some arbitrary future moment, where I have ALL my shit shorted out, when whatever I aimed to achieve or did achieve would pass in the impermanence of all things. Whatever I aim for and get WILL pass no matter what I do.
Sure, feeling good is a worthy goal - but feeling good without trying to fix, fight, or free should be the way. And feeling good can often be nothing more earth shattering than gratitude and appreciation of the now.
And the frustration, restlessness and self judgement that arises from failing to meet impossible standards is more likely to entrench my suffering than alleviate it.
And to feel good all the time, goes against the very nature of the world against life’s natural flows that have good, and not so good. There’s beautiful sunshine, but even the rain, storms, snow, and even natural disasters have their value.
Snow teaches me stillness, rain teaches renewal, wind teaches impermanence, and disasters as painful as they are, teach resilience and perspective. And each moment, no matter how challenging, contributes to the tapestry of life’s perfection.
The world operates in cycles, light and shadow, growth and decay, pleasure and pain and to try to step outside these cycles is to deny their intrinsic value and beauty.
It’s like the zen idea of ‘just sitting’ (shikantaza) restlessness or not - all experience is embraced without resistance.
Even single celled organisms have sensate valency - and it’s simply unnatural to expect a life where I feel good ALL the time.
Maybe my escape key isn’t to feel Good all the time, but embody good aspects like goodness, kindness i.e. happy and harmless and don’t be a dick.
And as regards getting rid of the ‘self’, there is no self to get rid of, there never was. And who is the ‘self’ getting rid of another ‘self’. That seems like a tautological fallacy.
Even if I attempt to delete the social construct or identity, because even after years of psychotherapy it might be impossible to uncover AND dissolve the thousands of ‘programs’ I might be running, most set up before I was even 5.
Social conditioning might include allegiance to a football team, a country, religion, philosophy, family, job, money, survival, a gazillion other things I will never ever have even the slightest clue about and even shame can hide my ability to even notice them.
Rather than striving to erase every trace of conditioning, perhaps the answer lies in trusting the divine dance of Leela and embracing life as it unfolds—while striving to be kind, compassionate, and harmless.
The futility of chasing a ‘problem free life’ has been replaced with a reframe where I’m seeing challenges and restlessness as integral parts of a fulfilling life rather than barriers to happiness.
Maybe life isn’t about solving everything all at once, or achieving some final state of perfection, but gradually cultivating gratitude, kindness, and presence, all while being comfortable with discomfort and impermanence.
As regards my unhappiness, I can’t be unhappy with myself for doing or not doing anything, because everything set out at the beginning of time and can’t be unhappy with anybody because there is nobody in there to be unhappy with.
And emotional discomfort for me is the most magical route to feeling good ironically.
Short term feeling good leads to long term feeling bad.
Short term feeling bad i.e. exercise, working on stuff can lead to long term feeling good.
I shouldn’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.
Maybe what I was previously seeing as bugs, are actually features of a perfect system.
Valency, whether sensate, emotional or instinctual isn’t an obstacle to overcome but a fundamental driver of life. To help us navigate this world, form connections and survive. And stripping away this ‘valency’ would strip away the very essence of aliveness.
Life’s spectacularly beautiful as it IS. Warts and all. Better than my wildest dreams could imagine. Why, why, why do I have to keep fighting God’s perfect plan?
And it’s about living life fully, not escaping it. This warts and all life is more perfect than any utopian fantasy that my peabrain could ever imagine, and I realise when I stop resisting and idealising, life becomes an adventure rather than a problem to solve.
The sun feels warmer, the rain more refreshing, and even the thorns in my side carries meaning when embraced with curiosity and openness.
As long as I don’t forget, life, warts and all, is already Perfect. 