So I am currently injured and unable to train, also work is quiet so I have more time to do some writing The below is just what has been going on for me recently.
Lately a lot of my experiences have been centred around the experience of becoming gradually more anonymous, no longer striving to be a ‘someone’.
It is interesting that this is actually what ‘I’ have always feared the most, all of ‘my’ energy is usually directed towards being a ‘someone’, and more importantly with ‘being’ in general.
‘I’ want ‘my’ outlines to be as strong as possible so that ‘I’ can be real and more substantial, this is how ‘I’ generate ‘my’ security, of course this never quite works to produce anything resembling actual security as ‘I’ am a fake, the security ‘I’ generate is more of a constant shuttling back and forth from hope to despair.
No longer being a ‘someone’ is initially seen as undesirable and somehow wrong and dangerous. This is where memories of PCEs have been useful in reminding me that living sans identity is actually a blithe and benevolent state to be in.
Lately a new understanding is developing, I am starting to see that in order to be completely free from sorrow and malice ‘I’ need to forsake being a ‘someone’ and also to give up ‘being’ in general.
When I am being anonymous there is an instant ease that is bestowed upon me which ‘I’ as identity never reach.
I have been seeing more and more clearly that the very essence of what ‘being’ is, is rotten to the very core. ‘being’ itself is the root cause of suffering.
This has been becoming clear because more and more time is spent with ‘being’ dissolving away to whatever degree and allowing purity.
There is still a resistance, it is actually like a constant back and forth that I have been going through. It goes like - ‘being’ taking a step back → experiencing purity → something happens that triggers ‘being’ back into action → this ‘something’ is looked at until it is seen as silly → ‘being’ takes a step back again → back to purity.
However this is not just a going round in circles but it does seem to be more of a spiral, each time purity is easier to find and I am drawn closer and closer to it, as well as towards seeing the actual/factual nature of things. This has been expressing itself primarily in seeing that ‘me’ along with the ‘real world’ and ‘humanity’, are illusionary constructs, they have no actual existence, so what is all this madness for?
What has become clear recently also, which I never saw clearly in the past is that the ‘others’ that I have been relating to and taking as genuinely existing entities, also have no actual existence. Those identities are manufactured by ‘me’, they are a projection, this has been really fascinating to see, it’s also given me more confidence to continue going towards purity, to contemplate abandoning humanity by seeing clearly what it is ie a vast illusionary construct causing untold suffering and conflict and all centred around ‘entities’ which have no existence.
Other than that I have been in a lot of constant pain recently (which is slowly going away now) due to a bad neck injury and more recently a torn ligament in my knee, it’s been really cool to see how I have not gone down the path of continuing to feel bad though, not for long periods anyways and when I was feeling bad it was nothing like what I would have been like prior to actualism.
Mostly I observed that ‘the victim’ or the ‘poor me persona’ is largely minimised which means that the intense pain could be dealt with without the additional problem of continuing to feel sorrowful/malicious on top of it.
Mods if you think this sort of post is better for the Journals category, feel free to move it.