I just started saying to myself “you don’t deserve to be abandoned, disrespected”
Set up some YouTube I like and went back to my old tactics. Watch my favourite guy rescue old cars with his friendly and funny banter.
I felt horrible for hours. Could not sit down. But those words, and remembering how many years I have otherwise survived on my own…
I can see that being on my own was never easy. I would tell myself I could do it, but I was always filling up those hours with actualist chat, or video games, or YouTube. Or whatever. Just being here, now, has not been on the agenda.
I feel ok. I remember that I don’t have to achieve some spectacular success right now. I need to feel ok. To feel good now.
I see the potential of this moment. This situation I threw myself into.
My morbid optimism may well pay off.
Thanks again @henryyyyyyyyyy and @edzd. Knowing that other actualists are out there, and examining life, informed by this amazing discovery; well, what a time to be alive!!!
I realise that like Nick spotted, I ‘put myself down’. Something like that.
I can learn to enjoy a solitary life. I am a month away for a motorcycle licence, already found some new friends there, I have a great job, with people who value my experience and who I am. I have an apartment, in an otherwise very difficult rental market. I am not sinking into oblivion in a run down old house, surrounded by the debris of my various defunct hobbies.
I am here. Now. I feel good. I got an hour more of my favourite guy to watch. I am going to take myself out to dinner. Eat a steak, probably.
Fish. I ate fish. I am in a pirate bar now eating peanuts and chatting about life with a lovely french barmaid. I could get used to this enjoying life stuff.
Everyone I talk with at depth, will comment how hard I am on myself.
it’s this invisible thing to me, that I can now see the edges of.
the facts are that I am genuinely (as far as feeling beings go) very kind. Very thoughtful. Giving and generous. As far as feeling beings go, I am pretty darn great.
The harshness is rooted however very deeply. In the persona of compassion. Suffering with others. Taking on the world’s suffering as a Christ like figure.
I lack, as they say in psychology, “boundaries”. I don’t recognise that other people are factually responsible for their own lives. I will crucify myself to try and save them emotionally. Not in an actualist ‘self sacrifice’, but that will come.
Not to say I haven’t move someway from the extreme of this. But not enough to differentiate myself from others in terms of what I am responsible for…
I’ve been making the “Be your own best friend” phrase come to mind as a habitual reaction whenever I see that ugly “goodness, I hate myself” feeling rising up like a venom symbiote, black gooey tendrils and all. “We are hungry!” For some reason seeing “me” as that symbiote parasite helps. Lol!
I had one of the most amazing psychic experiences of my life last night.
I had woken up at 2am, and decided to do some calm-abiding meditation. I started to notice the same visuals as when I start to have hallucinations. I also noticed a really lovely sweet feeling in my breath.
After not very long I was sleepy.
At some point, I was as far as I knew, I am standing outside a building. Completely awake. Indistinguishable from actually being awake.
At that point, I pushed of from the ground and was flying. It wasn’t until a few moments later when I noticed a building morphing somehow that it dawned on me I was asleep. However, I continued to fly. Later, not only was I still flying through a crowd, but I was “star wars” lifting people up with me just by reaching my hands towards them.
Yeah it would be nice to have more calls all round, I always come out with something new that clicks or some other thing to explore after and plus it’s fun.
