Andrew

Journals
1069

I have been learning to ride a motorcycle for a while now.

It’s a big challenge.

The relationship with my partner feels as dangerous as the roads.

I keep thinking that if I did things the way she does there wouldn’t be a relationship.

To echo my previous post, that is the terror that I am. Letting the bike ride itself is a big part of it. I just change gears and follow instructions.

That i

If I was truly selfish, in this moment, which is what enjoying this moment appears to be to me, that everything I feel is important will end.

However, it’s a factual selfishness which keeps one alive on a motorcycle.

And indeed, that seems to line up with what I have been reading all these years; I end.

I had an amazing motorcycle lesson today. Driving down the coast and back with my instructor. Such an amazing experience.

It’s weird that all of my fear counts for nothing on a motorcycle.

One is simply operating the machine with whatever skill and knowledge one has, muscle memory building each moment.

Edit: I mean to say, fear is clearly what I am, however riding a motorcycle or being with someone is a series of events in which there are decisions being made. The more I simply follow the instructions, the more I can enjoy the ride.

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1070

So, what if I try it her way?

That is, think only about myself 90% of the time?

It seems so very wrong, but I have tried it my way forever with ordinary results.

1071

I feel cynical and vindictive.

Yet, isn’t the alternative simply trying to get her to do it my way?

So what if it ends?

I have ended plenty of relationships.

It’s worth a try. Just do what I want. Well, not what I want, but whatever seems to be the most selfish and enjoyable.

I can’t help but feel that it’s wrong. However, it’s something different.

I always likes the saying “If you do what you have always done, you will get what you always got”

1072

It seems what you describe as your way is some form of ‘putting the other before oneself’ and her way is ‘putting oneself first’.

Putting the other before oneself is considered the less selfish way and in a sense it might be but it is still self centred, it’s just a round about way of getting what ‘I’ want anyways. It always ends up in resentment and other issues so it does not work.

Putting oneself first is at least more straightforward haha but in the end it is also problematic as it’s equally self centred, just more direct.

The thing to locate would be the third alternative to both options, not being outright self centred (‘me’ first) and not being self centred in a roundabout way (others first so ‘I’ can have it ‘my’ way).

I think the key to locating this each moment again is focusing on that which is sensible. Because this bypasses both of those ultimately self centred ways, it brings the focus back to the facts of the situation.

Is it sensible to put the other before oneself? No. Is it sensible to put myself first? No.

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1073

There’s always a sensible answer for a situation, which considers both people (eg not leaving yourself out of it either). What’s the best thing to do to get the best outcome?

1074

Thanks @Kub933 and @henryyyyyyyyyy .
Obviously been thinking a lot about this and your answers.

The actualism angle I have only the obvious problem with; that is I agree but still have no PCE to truly know what it means in experience.

What I am considering is what is sensible, vs whatever reactions I have about the situation.

Which is the cunning bit about me, I do hide myself behind a lot of sensible sounding ideas.

Honestly, I have not reacted so much and so strongly in a relationship before which has led to very clear realisations along the line of what actualism talks about. Like spine tingling realisations, lucid dreams and nightmares.

Contemplating my reactions, and the sensible sounding reasons I give them, leads me to really examine how sensible they are.

I don’t what to turn this into a “dear diary” post which was my old habit by getting too specific.

What I am seeing is how radical the changes would have to be in me to make sense of actualist advice, first hand.

4 Likes
1075

I haven’t posted for a while, like I used to. After so so many years, it seemed that it was all a crutch, “spiritual bypassing” as one sociopath once termed it.

I am posting this to record just how amazing and startling it is; the whole actual thing.

It never hit home just how radical it really is to go against the grain of reality. It feels absolutely and completely WRONG.

The fact is I really do love the woman in the room I can’t enter, because I “lost my shit” about what a selfish child she is.

Ok, “dear diary” it is then. :rofl:

I am so so so entrenched in my conditioning and morality.

Like , I am morality. I am conditioning. I am the OG. Like really. If you were to have the universal dictionary and looked up either term, there is a picture of me.

I have no idea whether this latest drama will resolve.

I actually love just how insanely selfish this woman is. I mean, not that I think it’s the answer, al la @Kub933 . We both are ‘selves’.

Like I may actually grow some balls.

She is without peer in her ability to think only of herself. It’s like the perfect storm for me.

Does that sound like complaining?

No. I really mean that. I may actually grow the balls to go against my "oh so sensible moral and ‘rational’ self. I am having a ball. Not an enjoyable one, but a drama that seems to go somewhere somewhat close to seeing just how much reality must end. How if I am to enjoy anything at all, I must put myself first.

I was literally hallucinating the other night, as I was so overtired, and that happens to me, calling out for help. I knew she heard me. Or at least I was hallucinating she heard me.

Zero.

I actually like it.

Right now, my public housing neighbours are being the scum of the earth. Right up there with Northrop Grumman and Blackrock. Absolute scum.

I record videos of them.

I spent 17 years in the “worst” suburb in Perth. There has been more absolute mayhem in the month here, than that entire time. That’s not hyperbole.

1076

Ok.

Down to brass tacks; I rely on compassion.

That is my MO. My go-to. My grand plan.

It feels both extremely scary and exciting to go against my most precious ideal.

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1077

Especially when it concerns someone I truly “cherish”.

1078

Just because I know of the answer, doesn’t mean I know the answer.

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1079

Talking with my mate, who is my best friend these days, I realise just how much “spiritual bypassing” I engage in.

It’s really lovely to know I can buy that brand new triumph, and it’s not something I need to feel guilty about.

I can buy it. I can leave it.

Obscure juxtaposition, I know, yet, I am seeing the enjoying of whatever I want to do, doesn’t need to be justified in some morality or even be logical.

It’s a moment where I get to be free.

I watched myself being convinced that I should have this bike because of how much safer it is. Yet, it’s just a really great bike. So much better than what I have. The quality of absolutely everything about it is light years beyond what I have.

I always bought second hand. Hiding myself behind the delayed gratification that is built into being a the version a of ‘man’ I was conditioned to be; Sacrifice.

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1080

Is it ironic that all these years later, I miss the old front page of the AFT?

The one that said one starts by dismantling the social identity?

I was so adamant that it was back the front, one can’t start there, but here I am fuelled by those instinctual passions shaped so completely by my social program.

1081

I really need an actualist friend to talk with right now. Is anyone available?

1082

I am in Tenerife at the moment but I will be back on Monday, would be cool to chat face to face if you are interested :+1:

1083

I would really enjoy that. I assume you mean video. Face to face would be awesome if I could spare the time and money too.

1084

I may also join depending on the time

1085

That would be awesome.

1086

It’s really helped just knowing you guys are there.

1087

Judging from my own experience this sounds like the feeler doing its thing. This is a good time to look at ones feelings (haietmoba) and see what is at the root of it.

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1088

I may as well write about it while it’s happening, besides talking seems to ease the feeling.

I feel like I am suffocating. The air seems to be too thick to breath.

I self diagnosed that I am on the spectrum of Dependant Personality Disorder. Simply a good way of summing up my MO.

I simply can’t do anything much on my own. Every place seems to be another reminder of this feeling.

I think sorrow mixed with dread.

Been here before a few times, this time however I am taking responsibility for it. That’s it is my reality. I am the only one who can do anything about it.

I enjoyed chatting earlier with @henryyyyyyyyyy briefly (I had to cut short due to a motorcycle lesson) and @edzd . Nick and I had a lot to share, considering the similarities in our situation.

I am determined to feel through this situation. As it’s clear that whilst going into the fear isn’t sensible, being fully aware of it is, and staying mentally away from blame and rather running over the facts, the facts of this room, this breath, this opportunity to be something entirely different.